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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zarathustra View Post
    My recommendation: stop worrying about and trying to control other people's behavior, and start worrying about and controlling your own.

    Good advice from an INFJ:
    What the hell are you talking about?

    I am looking for advice from people who tend to think a little bit like me,
    who have dealt with similar behavior, so I can .. get ready.. are your ready???
    Do you need to sit down?
    SO I can better control my own behavior.

    Wow.. thanks for the laugh Zar.. I needed that big time..

  2. #12
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    And I offered you an excellent link that is 100% related to the topic at hand.

    Maybe you should get over thinking that only an NF can offer you any sort of advice whatsoever.

    From what I've seen of you, that seems to be a significant problem of yours.

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zarathustra View Post
    And I offered you an excellent link that is 100% related to the topic at hand.

    Maybe you should get over thinking that only an NF can offer you any sort of advice whatsoever.

    From what I've seen of you, that seems to be a significant problem of yours.
    The link was not the problem..

    It was the idea That I was somehow unaware of my poor behavior and that I should seek to correct that, instead of the behaviors of others , statement.. when even a Chimpanzee could see that is exactly the purpose of this thread and my very intention.

    Your advice I welcome.. Your redundant insight, I do not.

    The link you sent me.. Thanks!! I am well aware of those scriptures and what they imply.

    Anyone can offer me advice Zar.. I am not closed to learning from anyone.. What you are seeing is only that NF's offer the kind of advice I tend to be able to listen to. There is a difference. It's often not the message, but rather the delivery which speaks to me.
    So what you are actually seeing is a difference in communication styles.. It has nothing to do with me consciously rejecting people's advices.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
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    Don't mind Z, hell, he goes to the cemetery every weekend so he can have the last word with the corpses.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaguar View Post
    Don't mind Z, hell, he goes to the cemetery every weekend so he can have the last word with the corpses.
    Thank You Jag.. that was very useful advice.. And well delivered to boot.

    Zar.. Does that mean Jag is an NF??

  6. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    The link was not the problem..

    It was the idea That I was somehow unaware of my poor behavior and that I should seek to correct that, instead of the behaviors of others , statement.. when even a Chimpanzee could see that is exactly the purpose of this thread and my very intention.
    My irony detector doesn't know what to do: its gauge doesn't measure high enough for your behavior in this thread...

    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    Thank You Jag.. that was very useful advice.. And well delivered to boot.

    Zar.. Does that mean Jag is an NF??
    Actually, about a week or two ago, I did publicly claim that I thought Jag might be an ENFJ, or ENxJ hybrid-type...

    Quote Originally Posted by Jaguar View Post
    Don't mind Z, hell, he goes to the cemetery every weekend so he can have the last word with the corpses.
    And you, Mr. "Who gives a shit?", could also use a lesson from that great NFJ brother of yours...



    (God, how I wish Jesus was winking...)

    /derail that was never meant to be a derail

    http://hubpages.com/hub/Carl-Jung-an...n-Introduction

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    I notice a lot of NFJs (and others as well) talk about expectations.
    Especially in the sense of how having expectations, ideals and how reality getting in the way, can have devastating effects both emotionally and the mental loops that almost always inevitably follow.

    I am empathetic to this because I live it. I have spoken with a lot of people about this and how it affects our behaviors , perceptions and further expectations.

    But...Has anyone ever actually figured out to deal with this (besides door slamming, altering history or withdrawing)??

    How do you deal with this? Because I am stumped.

    Help please, if you can.

    Arc
    I'm going to throw everything I can think of at you, sort through and discard as you please!

    Practical advice I can offer is to:
    - regularly connect with reality by being in the moment and out of your head;
    - accept that there is no such thing as 'fair';
    - let go of being in total control, (which is an illusion anyway, as they say).

    Being a successful idealist requires checking in with reality regularly so that one doesn't stray too far from the thing that can come along and kick you in the ass. :-) It's like managing two streams of information. I think very idealistic people need to LEARN how to be in the moment. It doesn't come naturally.

    I advocate regular, exhausting exercise for people who are in their heads a lot. It bleeds one of excessive mental energy. Nothing I've tried works as well as yoga. You can also let go of being in control as someone is guiding your steps. There's no jumping ahead in one's mind, no planning the next move. It's so nice to get a break from that tyrannical, anticipatory mindset. It's like hitting a reset button.

    I think a lot of NFJs carry around an idealized image of themselves to which they/we constantly aspire. It obscures our real selves and the positive things we already possess. I try to notice when I'm becoming disconnected from my actual self, who I am at this moment, which is often preceded by lots of planning, dreaming or engaging in self-improvement. Then I try to stop and do something fun and non-goal oriented. (Bike riding, swimming, something physical and transitory).

    Learning to be ok with mistakes is important too. NFJs can be perfectionists due to being 10 steps ahead in our minds and having high standards for how we want our lives to be and a very complete vision we want to impose on the world. That is UNreality when it only exists in our heads. Things don't ever roll out IRL as they do in our heads. Just acknowledging that helps. When mistakes and disappointments occur, process whatever it was quickly, impose a deadline for that and let it float away. Don't pick at the scab.

    Be careful about hope, hope can be very addictive and also blinds one to reality. Ideals and visions are great but not when they interfere with the ability to be satisfied in the moment - our lives are only made up of moment to moment. And go easy on yourself too. It helps.

  8. #18
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zarathustra View Post
    And you, Mr. "Who gives a shit?", could also use a lesson from that great NFJ brother of yours...
    I don't have an NFJ brother, Diaperman.

  9. #19
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    I actually think Z made a very good point...the only way to deal with the emotional or mental devastation that follows failed expectations is realizing the only person we can control is ourselves becuase...it's true.

    You can't change other people, and when they behave differently than what we expect we can be hurt and confused by their behavior. Something an INFJ pointed out to me in vent is to look at the various reasons a person can be doing something...it often may not be the reason that you think, and sometimes you're upset because you're convinced they're doing it for the reason that you think, even if their motives are different. It's much easier for me to do this with other people's relationships though, then my own. Ha ha. Always is.

    But yeah you can expect other people to do this or that and when they disappoint you the only thing you can change is your own expectations, and if you feel like compromising your expectations isn't worth it, then the only thing you can do is walk away. Of course the first course of action is to talk with someone and tell them how you feel, and then come to a compromise or understanding hopefully, but if that doesn't work really the only choice you have is to manage yourself and your mindset, or to completely remove yourself from the other person's presence.

    Manipulation, pleading, screaming, and crying don't change a person who doesn't want to change.

    The only thing we have control over is ourselves.

  10. #20
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    I also agree with Thessaly's advice about keeping a sense of humor.

    Mocking people who have disappointed us always works when all else fails.

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