[MBTI General] Romance question for male INFPs

[Athenian200]

It's good to see you back, Economica. Have you been well?

Uncharacteristically, I found myself moderating my behavior to fit what I sensed he wanted to me to be blush which was... more F! As I perceived it, logic, detached irony and my major (economics) all elicited mild disappointment, whereas enthusiastic warmth and soft looks made him more eager.

That makes a lot of sense. I have weird habit of doing something similar around some NT's. I've noticed occasionally in reading posts I write in response to a group of strong T's that there's less emotional expression. In fact, I've noticed that in some groups of strong NT's, I'm almost ashamed to admit that I have emotions, and in some groups of strong NF's, I'm almost ashamed to admit I use logic. It can feel weird if someone I didn't expect reads something I wrote for someone else. And it can feel strange noting how different my responses were between the two groups, even though they both seemed like good responses at the time and I still identify with both.

The odd thing about it is that only some members of each type elicit this from me... some of the more balanced ones don't create this reaction or tension in me. ENFJ's and INFP's seem a bit more likely to do so, but not always (so I especially understand your response to an INFP being this way).

And you say that it's uncharacteristic for you? Why is it you don't you do this normally?

(I should mention that I told him early on that I was not available. He still wanted to talk, and I wanted to talk to him for a reason I will not divulge here. )

Don't worry, I'm sure we can come up with guesses and rumors that are far worse than your actual reason.

Anyway, I've noticed that the responses from INFP's on here have varied a bit... some of them appreciate F qualities more like the person you interacted with, but others seem to appreciate the different balance introduced by a T. I suppose that's not too surprising, as INFP's often try harder than most people to be individual/personal.

 

[theshadow]

It's good to see you back, Economica.

I Have And it can feel strange noting how different my responses were between the two groups, even though they both seemed like good responses at the time and I still identify with both.

The odd thing about it is that only some members of each type elicit this from me... some of the more balanced ones don't create this reaction or tension in me. ENFJ's and INFP's seem a bit more likely to do so, but not always (so I especially understand your response to an INFP being this way).

And you say that it's uncharacteristic for you? Why is it you don't you do this normally?

ha. I relate to most of this. to me yes. of course why wouldnt you try and do this normally,but when I think of the intj's I have known.. infp's too. I would avoid saying that

curious infp's does this seem shallow to you?

 

[quietmusician]

I'll fall for pretty much anyone who shows a slight interest in me. Of course, I'd like to get to know the girl more than just fall for her looks. It's hard to say because I don't think I've met too many NTJ girls, or even noticed. I'm more drawn to ENFJ's than any other type, but I wouldn't rule anything out.

 

[pockets]

I'll fall for pretty much anyone who shows a slight interest in me.

That's very honest of you to say. I've often suspected that of myself in the past. How do these..things work out for you though

 

[whimsical]

anyone read about this?
Peter Pan syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

that's interesting. im pretty sure i have that

 

[Nameless Hero]

I have no idea what attracts me to women. At least not in terms of F or T. It is the T & A that does it!

 

[violaine]

Hmm. I have the beginnings of a half-assed idea that a sweet INFP/ISFP man's dating appeal really increases when they and the target of their affections are a little older. Especially, say, from mid-30s onward. Assuming they have found dating a little more difficult and were less popular when younger because many women seem to gravitate to outgoing, harder-driving types. (Not me personally and I hope I'm not saying anything that boxes IFP men in or is offensive.)

 

[Eckhart]

@violaine: I don't find it offensive... but well, I hope I don't have to wait till like 35 until I find my first girlfriend ^^

To the OP: I don't really know. I seem to have an easier time with F types definitely though from my experience so far, but I guess it depends on the person anyway.

 

[TheStarchDefenders]

I find myself more attracted to T types as I do not really like a mass of emotions to deal with besides my own...ummm... I think I would prefer an ESTJ but I do feel a connection to INTJ females. An ESTJ is somewhat atypical for an INFP from what I have read, but my dad is an ESTJ and I have developed fond feelings for the way they work. Definitely fond of older women as violaine said. Mid 30s sounds like my ideal.( I am 19)

 

[JivinJeffJones]

Definitely fond of older women as violaine said. Mid 30s sounds like my ideal.( I am 19)

Heh, I don't think that's quite what she was talking about.

 

[TheStarchDefenders]

I didn't mean I am targeting women in their mid 30s, about that age is just what I visualize when thinking of a future. I like that things are mostly together but not close to ending there. It feels like the summer of life.

 

[Adasta]

I'm surprised that (male) INFPs have trouble finding women. Is it that they just aren't attracted to you or that you never find one you like? I must admit that I spent my teenage years completely oblivious to any female attention simply because I wasn't looking for it (explicitly). I would kind of miss the signals; if a friend suggested that a girl liked me, I would always reply "Who? Her? No way." Having grown up (somewhat) I have to say that there seems to be some sort of intrigue surrounding me that I'm not aware of. I think sometimes girls see me (us? other INFPs?) as a "tough nut to crack" and enjoy the attempt to try and open me up. The joke's on them, though: I'll only open up after a long, long time. At the beginning stages, I'll probably just metaphorically dance about, kind of Romeo & Juliet's complicit extended metaphor but in slightly more contemporary terms:

If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: 720
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

In terms of NTJ I would say that the depth/complexity of thought is intriguing. Also, mastery of a "geeky" subject (when teamed with physical good looks!) is oddly alluring. I really like it when girls can explain complex "T" theories to me (physics, engineering, etc.) in an engaging way. I recognise their greater ability in this regard and see it as filling the gaps in my frames of reference. This allows me to deal with the bits I like: the beginning and the end, and not have to think about all that "boring" stuff - the nuts and bolts, if you will. I also see myself reflected in those introverts whose dedication to a subject fills them with a need to express. As before, I see my own reflection (Introverted Feeling), but in a different light (Introverted Thinking).

I have a male INTJ friend and one of the things that interests both of us are patterns in thought and expression. We seem to compliment each other quite well in our analysis of, say, philosophical texts. However, I can sense that emotional primacy is far from his mind and that he considers emotions to "get in the way" of the more important stuff: namely, the "figuring out" of the system.

This is where would have to "bridge the gap" of TJness and FPness. Also remember that, to an INFP, not only is the subject of the romance worthy of romanticisation, but also romance itself. Forgetting about plans and at least understanding the "emotion of it all" would be a bonus. Perhaps to express my point better, you should consider the poem below: recognise that the significance of the action overrides...pretty much everything else in life!

JENNY kiss'd me when we met,
Jumping from the chair she sat in;
Time, you thief, who love to get
Sweets into your list, put that in!
Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,
Say that health and wealth have miss'd me,
Say I'm growing old, but add,
Jenny kiss'd me.

 

[Eckhart]

I'm surprised that (male) INFPs have trouble finding women. Is it that they just aren't attracted to you or that you never find one you like? I must admit that I spent my teenage years completely oblivious to any female attention simply because I wasn't looking for it (explicitly). I would kind of miss the signals; if a friend suggested that a girl liked me, I would always reply "Who? Her? No way." Having grown up (somewhat) I have to say that there seems to be some sort of intrigue surrounding me that I'm not aware of. I think sometimes girls see me (us? other INFPs?) as a "tough nut to crack" and enjoy the attempt to try and open me up.

Well. I could observe something similar for me too in my school time. It is not that no one was attracted to me, and some girls were apparently interested in me just because of what you say, being basically a "tough nut to crack" and not really looking for anything. There was also this girl with which I had some contact with because I was working in my social practicum at some youth institution (you know, taking kids of poorer social status after school to give them some meal and helping them with their homeworks, and then they can hang around and play there) for three weeks, and hell, she seemed to be infatuated into me after few days already, probably I was the only guy who treated her adequately? But well... back then I was not really "so far" that I would want to engage into a relationship with anyone probably, and I must say while we got along well I wasn't nearly as interested. However, while there was some interest in me by other girls, it never got anywhere with me still, and I never felt sure if they were really interested or just showing normal interest.

I also fell then later hopelessly in love with a girl, but it apparently was only one-sided love too (or she lost interest in me later, I still don't know if she was interested in me but lost interest later because I didn't show affection to her the first time, or if she just liked me in a more platonic way). I didn't have any real interest in other girls in that time then since I had only eyes for her. But even if so, I don't know if I was able to reach the next stage into getting together with a girl? I really need long time to open up too as you said, and I don't know if any woman could have so much patience and not loose interest in that time?

Now that my school time is over and I am studying, the problem I have is that I don't get into contact with other people very much anymore, and probably people just don't notice me, and so don't any women. To that comes also that in my major I am studying there is a really low female/male-ratio. I just don't know how I should get to know women if I nearly don't have any contact to them? Even if there was more girls studying it, I still don't see how you should get into contact with people there anyway... I don't have there any friends either.

 

[Adasta]

Now that my school time is over and I am studying, the problem I have is that I don't get into contact with other people very much anymore, and probably people just don't notice me, and so don't any women. To that comes also that in my major I am studying there is a really low female/male-ratio. I just don't know how I should get to know women if I nearly don't have any contact to them? Even if there was more girls studying it, I still don't see how you should get into contact with people there anyway... I don't have there any friends either.

This is off-topic so I'm going to keep it short:

You need to, as we say in England, "get stuck in". Go out to all social functions; hang out with your mates all the time and don't turn down chances to go out to clubs/music venues/parties. You may not feel like it, but other people are outside, doing things they like to do; that's where you meet them! My advice would be to take up a sport or some sort of social activity. The thing with sports is that if you meet a girl who does the same sport as you, she's probably in good shape, which is a bonus

 

[Elfboy]

I'm gay so my opinion might not matter much, but I'm definitely into Feelers over Thinkers (I love ESFPs the most. they are just adorable). I usually see too much of myself in Thinking types (which being a dominant Feeler is odd, but I'm an unusually rational and mature INFP). I suppose I have a sort of maturnal instinct that Thinkers just don't take to kindly too, but feelers eat it all up and want someone to comfort them and show them lots of affection. the exception was one INTJ guy I knew in high school who was constantly saying subtle sexual inuendos that no one else got and had an air of "reserved playfulness" that I found amusing and incredibly seductive. He kept his distance, but he was also somehow warm, gentle and kind. He was probably an SX/SP and seemed like the type that would as open and affectionate as the mushiest F once he really trusted you.

 

[Lily flower]

You know, if you are adapting yourself to what this guy wants, then it is your issue, not his. Any personality is going to show positive or negative reactions to things they like or don't like. It is your strength of character if you continue to be who you are and not to bow to the opinions of others. I find this very hard, as I am a chameleon, too, so I know it's not easy, but it is not the fault of the other person. It is our fault if we let someone's opinion of us change us.