User Tag List

Results 1 to 7 of 7

  1. #1
    Senior Member ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Posts
    341

    Default ENFJs do you find it hard to make friends?

    Well, do you?

    I find it really hard to make new friends. *Easy* to make new acquaintances, but difficult to actually make real friends.

    It's easier for me to make friends with guys than it is with girls, but I think guys misinterpret my personality and think they can get lucky. . . . which leads to awkward conversations and then it gets all weird. And then I feel bad because I feel I've done something to lead them on, or give them the wrong impression, even if I'm clear that I just want to be friends. I posted something in the awkward flirtation thread about a fellow who invited me to make out with him, even though I had mentioned my boyfriend several times and mentioned that I was only interested in being friends. I suspect he liked me, but I had no idea he'd be that forward, especially because we had never touched or hugged or anything like that at all.

    So what gives?

    I find it difficult to make friends with girls, mostly because they are on a whole other plane of existence than I am. I have a hard time relating to them without getting bored. The women I am able to be friends with are typically older, married with kids, and don't really have time to hang out with me.

    Whereas men usually have great stories, and are willing to go do active things with me (like running, cycling, etc). I don't mind doing crafty things with women, but then I don't know too many women my age who sew or do paper crafts.

  2. #2
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    eNfj
    Enneagram
    2
    Posts
    660

    Default

    Can't say I relate to this now. I had a much harder time making friends when I was younger. Although I have to say that I actively avoid making friends these days because I am all stocked up and would end up being a shitty friend to everyone if I added even one more good friend.

    When I first moved back to this area, a lot of my friends from years prior had moved or just moved on. Whenever I would meet someone I found interesting, I would say, "I just moved here. Will you be my friend?" No kidding...just like that. Everyone said yes except for one girl who thought I was full of crap...fortunately her friend said yes so we ended hanging out, now she is one of my best buds and I constantly give her hell for "shooting me down"...haha.

    I have no problems talking to women or finding things to do with them. I am very much a girls girl. We are sugar and spice and everything nice

    I would be curious to know what you mean about being on a "whole other plane of existence"? I'm not sure what you are getting at there...
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
    I can't spell...get over it

    Slightly ENFJ, totally JoSunshine
    Extroverted (E) 52.5%........Introverted (I) 47.5%
    Intuitive (N) 65.63%..........Sensing (S) 34.38%
    Feeling (F) 55.56%............Thinking (T) 44.44%
    Judging (J) 51.43%............Perceiving (P) 48.57%

  3. #3
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    2
    Posts
    931

    Default

    Even though I am an I (INFJ), I totally relate to what you are saying. I find it very very easy to make aquaintences, but finding a real friend is rare. I also find it really easy to make friends with guys, but since most of the guys I know are married, it is really impossible to be real friends with them - women just don't want their husbands to have female friends. Guys are so easy to get to know - you either are a friend or you are not. Women are so complicated and moody.

    I think that ENFJ's are very seductive just as a normal part of their personality, so it is not surprising that men are misunderstanding your intentions. The guy is hearing "boyfriend," but reading your body language as "available." The only way to turn that off is to be cold or rude to men and that is just not in the ENFJ mindset.

  4. #4
    Lungs & Lips Locked Unkindloving's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Enneagram
    4w5
    Socionics
    ENFj
    Posts
    2,900

    Default

    My difficulty with making real, deep friendship connections is in my standards for them. I don't expect very many things, but I do expect depth. I want to be able to connect with someone and share common ground, even if we're very different people. I want someone who believes that their friendship with me runs deeper than surface level, and that it is important enough to communicate and be there for one another when need be. I want someone who understands the concept of having respect for one another, be it any side of the spectrum.
    A lot of what I considered close friendships have suffered from other people's definitions/guidelines of friendships and from a lack of respect for my feelings or personal time. There are a lot of people who treat friendships as something expendable, that they don't need to work through. I treat them like a certain form of relationship, and will give what I can to those who work to create a balance with me. (which may prove difficult, because I can be a bit difficult to handle at times.)

    The strange thing is that I really only have female friends local to me, but male friends who are far away. I really don't hang out with men on a regular basis, but it is for the reason of it causing some issues. The one very good male friend I had local developed a thing for me over a year ago and has barely talked to/seen me since he started dating someone a good while ago. The majority of my male friendships were formed online, so there is inherent distance, but I connect well with all of them and have for years.
    To be honest, hanging out one-on-one with a male just makes me uncomfortable in most cases if I'm not involved with them. I've meant to bridge that gap, but they make it difficult.
    Hang on traveling woman - Don't sacrifice your plan
    Cause it will come back to you - Before you lose it on the man


    .:: DWTWD ::.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]


    2011 TypeC Exercise Challenge - My Weekly Goals: Cardio 4x. Yoga/Pilates 1x. Pushups 70.

    There is this thing keeping everyone's lungs and lips locked - It is called fear and it's seeing a great renaissance

  5. #5
    Senior Member ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Posts
    341

    Default

    Hi Jo,

    I guess the whole "being different from other women" is that the only other woman I really felt could have been a great girlfriend ended up doing things that gave me the impression that she didn't value the friendship in the way I thought she did, and then she ended up moving away and we don't communicate much anymore. Not for my trying.

    Anyway, say I go shopping with my mom for shoes. My mom will spend ages and ages trying on shoes, and it will drive me nuts. She's just very particular about them. Sometimes she'll go shopping for shoes, spend hours trying on shoes, and then not buy them. I guess with me I'd rather do research on shoes I like online (hours!), order them from endless.com and return the ones that don't work out. It's just a different way of looking at things.

    It's not just my mom either. There are very few women I go shopping with.

    I love little coffee and tea places and would love to have girlfriends to go gab with at those, but I don't know. Maybe I'm not a very good conversationalist or maybe the way I look at the world is much different from most of the women I come across (and it's also different from most men's perspective as well. . . . ).

    Men are very easy to get to know, and with women I feel like there's always some social stratagem being invoked behind the scenes. It's much harder for me to trust women.

    Lily, I'm on the cusp of the E/I spectrum, although I identify more with the ENFJ personality. You're right that it's hard for me to be cold or rude to anyone without provocation.

    Thank you for your responses. I was starting to wonder if there was an MBTI angle at all, and it was all just something broken with me!

  6. #6
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    eNfj
    Enneagram
    2
    Posts
    660

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ExAstrisSpes View Post
    It's much harder for me to trust women.
    Hummm...telling don't you think? See, for me it is easier to trust women than men...I was raised in a household where I endured severe physical and verbal abuse from my father and I think it has made me (subconsciously) more leery of men. It is something that I have to actively work to overcome...every day

    Now, I know that these kinds of things don't always go back to mom & dad One of my good friends (the one I mentioned in the first post) said that she never had a real female friend before me. She moved away about two years ago, but came to visit last weekend. I asked her how she is doing in the "real friends dept" (she's great at developing superficial friendships) and she said she was doing well. She said that after becoming friends with me, that she learned how to tell the difference between a real friend and someone to have fun with. I won't get into all of that (unless you want me to). But the point is that sometimes, I think it just takes finding that one right person who you can have real conversations with, who is loyal, dedicated and is as willing to give as they are to take to change the entire perception of what a friendship (with another woman) can be.

    For me, I would just blindly give to anyone who was around when I was younger. I think I have honed my ENFJ people reading skills, learned to care less about doing what I thought other people expected of me when they made unreasonable demands, learned to ask for what I WANT and NEED from other people better (that was a painful one), etc, etc and that has made all the difference in the world in the quality and DEPTH of my friendships. The crap naturally filters out. Some people end up not liking me, some people quit calling, some (selfish) people move on to more fertile pastures. The ones left standing are women I can have real, meaningful friendships with and we can talk openly about important, deep subjects. If you don't mind my asking - how old are you?

    Oh and what you wrote about shopping for shoes sends shivers down my spine! I call myself a commando shopper - if I can't find it online, I tie my purse strap around my head like Rambo and get in and get the hell out of there as soon as possible
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
    I can't spell...get over it

    Slightly ENFJ, totally JoSunshine
    Extroverted (E) 52.5%........Introverted (I) 47.5%
    Intuitive (N) 65.63%..........Sensing (S) 34.38%
    Feeling (F) 55.56%............Thinking (T) 44.44%
    Judging (J) 51.43%............Perceiving (P) 48.57%

  7. #7
    Member Ethelred the Unready's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Enneagram
    4w3
    Posts
    82

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by ExAstrisSpes View Post
    Well, do you?

    I find it really hard to make new friends. *Easy* to make new acquaintances, but difficult to actually make real friends.

    It's easier for me to make friends with guys than it is with girls, but I think guys misinterpret my personality and think they can get lucky. . . . which leads to awkward conversations and then it gets all weird. And then I feel bad because I feel I've done something to lead them on, or give them the wrong impression, even if I'm clear that I just want to be friends. I posted something in the awkward flirtation thread about a fellow who invited me to make out with him, even though I had mentioned my boyfriend several times and mentioned that I was only interested in being friends. I suspect he liked me, but I had no idea he'd be that forward, especially because we had never touched or hugged or anything like that at all.

    So what gives?

    I find it difficult to make friends with girls, mostly because they are on a whole other plane of existence than I am. I have a hard time relating to them without getting bored. The women I am able to be friends with are typically older, married with kids, and don't really have time to hang out with me.

    Whereas men usually have great stories, and are willing to go do active things with me (like running, cycling, etc). I don't mind doing crafty things with women, but then I don't know too many women my age who sew or do paper crafts.
    This is totally me! I also find it hard to make real friends, but very easy to make new acquitances, of which I have plenty

    It's also easier for me to make friends with guys, they're just easier for me to understannd and I get along much better with men than women. I also find men more interesting as well as less intimidating and scary than women So I can totally relate to what you're saying, ExAstrisSpes...

    I'm glad to find out that I'm not the only person like that
    We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull; some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

Similar Threads

  1. [NF] Do You Find it Difficult to Describe Someone When Asked?
    By Dreamer in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 29
    Last Post: 12-19-2016, 09:51 AM
  2. [INFJ] The reason INFJs find it hard to forgive
    By KLessard in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 50
    Last Post: 02-24-2014, 10:51 PM
  3. Replies: 13
    Last Post: 02-24-2011, 12:18 AM
  4. What do you think it means to be TRULY good?
    By SecondBest in forum Philosophy and Spirituality
    Replies: 58
    Last Post: 11-06-2010, 03:41 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO