There is something bizarre that happens when an Fe user tries to give feedback to an Fi user. It appears as though we totally miss all the subtle hints being tossed out, then when finally the message becomes more overt and direct-we way over react. Typically when the message is delivered it is like this (sorry not picking on you MacGuffin ) :
Originally Posted by MacGuffin
Since Fi users primarily interact 1:1, when we get this sort of message above....we may promptly extrapolate that to the entire group. Because most of us are Fe-Blind, (not the learned social nicieties, but the ability to innately pick up on group mood), we cant seem to understand if it is just macGuffin saying we are being bad but bluffing about the others, if it is MacGuffin and three friends he chatted with in PM, or if it is MacGuffin and the other 1300 members of typology central.
Originally Posted by MacGuffin
In a thread if we start to see multiple people-say 3 to 5-attacking the same point, I suspect we start to assume it is a much larger group. It feels like you have been turned into a target for attack-like you are being singled out. ENFPs in particular are notorious for paranoia about what others think of us and assuming the worst, so to remain functional human beings, at some point we learn to just ignore the Ne negative feedback that is subtle in nature. I cant properly interpret it or trust the interpretations thus it is disregarded as it would make me a fucking basket case to do otherwise. I realize some people hate me as a result and I regret this, but I dont really have an alternate path.
I have tried a few times to suggest that if you really feel direct feedback needs to be given, and the person seems oblivious, to leave them a rep or send a PM to try and alleviate the potential for confusion and minimize escalation of these sorts of issues. The Fe response was that "It should be obvious and is a natural part of social interactions, and we shouldnt have to tell people when they are disturbing a social group." This frustrated me at the time, but in retrospect I recognized it was just Fe being projected onto others-ie the assumption we can all use Fe as well as that individual can.
The NFJ discussion style makes this even worse as NiFeTi assumes the idea is the person. So when they question the idea-they actually begin questioning the person ...how they arent really a valid originator of ideas, thus need to go work on themselves some more. I bet, when this is applied to an NTP, the NTP STFU very quickly as he has been publically censured. But to an NFP-you are attacking Fi at that point, so instead of a shameful retreat, you get Te bitchslapped at least until the NFP has a total emo breakdown because you have told them everything they hold sacred and that is self defining is horribly flawed. The feelings this evokes can be nightmarishly painful-thus the feeling of being attacked.
At the worst, you just told them the entire social group finds their Fi values to be flawed-thus they are too broken to be a part of that social group anymore. In real life this evokes suicidal tendencies. Thus the NFP message board suicides.
I suspect it has something to do with how one Fi user gives another negative feedback-one on one, directly, but gently or through gentle ignoring until the other person behaves-subtle looks and gestures. Fe seems to instead prefer a gentle rebuke in a group setting through phrases intended to induce slight shame at one's innappropriate behavior-or innappropriate sharing of ideas. Which Fi totally misinterprets.
We each insist that others must be held to the standards of our judging functions and regard alternate perspectives/judging worldviews as flawed rather than insightfully different. We also insist upon projecting our internal worldviews onto others as mandatory, without every understanding we are doing so.
(Again, sorry MacGuffin, I find you to be very thoughtful and reasonable so I dont mean to poke at you at all, your comment above was a useful starting point. Also the NFJs here are actually a really awesome group as well. )
(toddler inserted) (toddler inserted) (toddler inserted)