Quote Originally Posted by Onceajoan View Post
Hmm. I'm not sure how old you are... I think as a person gets older their relationship to conflict often changes.

I'm also not sure how "T"ish you are... I think that makes a difference. Though I test INFJ now - I used to test INTJ through most of my young adult life. And I was very INTJ! I believe that developing my Feeling side I certainly helped me deal with conflict - or at least see it differently.

BTW: I have two INTPs in my immediate family. They love to debate ideas and win arguments. It's all about the logic but no sympathy or understanding of the other person's perspective. I have some problem with this since developing more feeling. I used to love debating and arguing (I still do to some extent) but there's a time and place for everything. Debating your spouse and questioning the internal logic of their argument (whether I committed a logical fallacy or made a tautological argument) is really counterproductive to developing healthy and loving relationships. What could have been civil and meaningful discussion in my marriage turned into a logic game which was very invalidating. Pretty much destroyed my marriage.

What I've learned about conflict (but I still am not very good in this arena):

1) You really need to listen to what the other person is saying. This is extremely difficult when you are convinced by the strength of your logic or argument. There's a human and emotional component which may seem illogical , but is still relevant - sometimes difficult for INTJs and INTPs to accept or believe.

2) Don't believe that because you are speaking louder, more forcefully or are dominating the conversation by interrupting that somehow you are "winning". The concept of "winning" needs to go out the window. Competitive types have difficulty with this notion. You need to listen....AND

3) Be willing to compromise. It's not about winners and losers.

4) If you aren't making headway with the conflict, revisit. Sometimes if you step back (NTs can do this well) and analyze the situation from all angles you can come up with new ways to look at the situation and resolve it.

5)Don't try to talk about things when you're angry. This is difficult when things become emotional (even for NTs who think they're not being emotional when indeed they are). Step back and revisit. Anger will only serve to make the conflict worse.

I have also observed that if the conflict has a great deal of emotional context, the INTPs in my family will run and hide. In this case:
- I try to give them time to process their feelings (if they can, if they know what their feelings are)
- I gently try to approach them to get some reading as to their feelings (not always effective)
- If all else fails, I try to keep my discussions and logical and rational as I can. They will open up in that case (but not necessarily in the way I want them to). Hey, but at least we're talking.

I think conflict is extremely complicated when you're dealing with an NF on one side and an NT on the other. Conflict takes on different connotations.
I'm going to show my arrogance a little bit, but I do feel that when I enter and argument my answers are always more correct and I do resent not winning. That's usually why I have an argument. That's probably my tertiary Fe showing. Of course I like resolution of conflict, but I enjoy even more being right. I do usually score high 60-70% on T. I do hardly ever make choice without 'logic'. I'm 19 btw.

Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
Everything Affably wrote applies remarkably well for me.

One of my best friends is an INTP- my dad is as well- and we tend to deal with conflict in incredibly similar ways (I'm e5, so a lot of the similarity is because of that). I think the biggest difference would be- because I am bombarded with possibilities for why the conflict is there (as mentioned above), and they are not- I do a lot more 'looping' when it comes to resolving it. They tend to let go of things that don't make logical sense much faster than I am able to. I feel the need to go a step further and dissect motives until I can find some common ground to point out to everyone. It isn't that they never feel the need to do this themselves, it's just that they feel it significantly less frequently than I do- they don't ever feel the need to obsess/loop about it.
I'm a motives kind of guy, but usually I instigate a conflict to see if my ideas of them were correct. This is not only reaffirming my NTP-ness, but making question my Introversion (different thread). I appreciate the discussion guys. So I suppose the biggest difference between our needs to settle conflict seem to be that the INFJ needs to find a solution, where as NTP's need to win in order to feel as if the situation has been resolved. I suppose I didn't really think about what motivated my conflicts (I don't get into them very often to be honest) I am not always the instigator, but if it happens I don't back down until something that appears like a resolution appears.