[ENFP] ENFPs- Question from an ISTJ

[Thalassa]

No, INTP. I don't think so.

 

[INTP]

No, INTP. I don't think so.

stfu isfj

sorry im bit drunk

 

[IZthe411]

you dont even really seem to understand what he said. tells alot from istj enfp relationship.

ps. they are all mine MUAHAUHAUHAUHAU

I understood what he said perfectly. Doesn't mean I have to agree.

 

[IZthe411]

Wow I was trying to be positive. Just take it for what it is.



Not really, because apparently I'm attracted to ISFJs and INTJs. ISTJs just aren't my cup of tea, and you may have to accept the fact that all ENFPs are different - I've seen NFs who swear they would never date an SJ (any SJ!), ENFPs who say other NFPs are the best, NFs who only want other NFs, and NFs who are obsessed with NTs to the point of insanity. Then you'll have those ENFPs who want to be with an ISTJ. Take it for what it is, bro.



Ummm...nope. My grandfather was an excellent father figure and the rock of my life. He was the most stable person in our family. ISTJ males when healthy make excellent family men.



*sighs* I like introverts. Different people just need different things, that's all. You're getting upset because you're internalizing what we're saying. I've done this before in threads where INTJs were saying ENFPs and INTJs should never be together. Don't do that - don't internalize it. It doesn't mean YOUR relationship won't work - you may end up like my friend and her husband and live happily ever after, or at least the closest you can come to that in reality.

None of this was directed at you personally...it was me just rambling after reading the post.

I'm not angry, though. I'm just trying to get an ENFP's perception of how they could make the thing work better.

I can make it work with any type if it's based on love.

 

[Thalassa]

What are your specific issues that you're trying to work through?

Maybe you'd get more advice that way.

 

[ThatGirl]

As an ENFP, I hated my ISTJ roomate "Prince". That guy had such a huge stick up his ass. Always wanting to pull me to the side and "talk" about shit. Then, when I was like...no, he got pissed at me, and started accusing me of leaving dishes in the sink....

Can you spell...P S Y C H O?

So NO, I don't think we really get along well. Or that the hatred is a fun game.

 

[IZthe411]

What are your specific issues that you're trying to work through?

Maybe you'd get more advice that way.

I'm getting with an ENFP, noting major yet. It's crossed my mind.

I know there's different feelings on the matter from ENFPs out there. I just like to see where people are comng from when they say things.

 

[Lady_X]

The motivation is love for the person..........which would work if both parties are committed to the relationship. Love is bigger than MBTI, isn't it? If it's about us, not you, wouldn't it work?

I'm just asking the question....when I say ENFP blindspots, I mean being so concerned about your own needs that you forget that person has needs as well, and there has to be a willingness to compromise to make it work. I really fail to see how 2 mature people couldn't learn to work with each other, and make it work.

I'm not talking personal preference. I find on this board, though, there's no talk of if you really love this person, how much compromise am I willing to make? Just like you'd want this guy to be a little more emotionally connected, how receptive are you of the guy's wishes (whatever the particulars are, because no ISTJ is the same?) I'm just saying if you are saying it won't work based off preconceived notions that opposing functions don't work, you're missing the forest for a few trees, aren't you?

i did say that i spoke of one experience and couldn't speak for others...i did say that and i have said that there were years of compromise...like 13 years iz...it's a a whole lot of trying on both sides..and for us in the end the conclusion was that love shouldn't be so hard...and we're just two very different people...so...good luck to anyone who wants to try it...i'm not saying others can't do it and be happy...i'm just saying there's a reason we score our types and those reasons could cause conflict that will last a lifetime...or not...i guess it depends on how strongly you hold your values.

 

[IZthe411]

i did say that i spoke of one experience and couldn't speak for others...i did say that and i have said that there were years of compromise...like 13 years iz...it's a a whole lot of trying on both sides..and for us in the end the conclusion was that love shouldn't be so hard...and we're just two very different people...so...good luck to anyone who wants to try it...i'm not saying others can't do it and be happy...i'm just saying there's a reason we score our types and those reasons could cause conflict that will last a lifetime...or not...i guess it depends on how strongly you hold your values.

Gotcha. Thanks for chiming in. I appreciate the feedback I'm getting from the thread. I hope you guys don't think I'm going crazy on y'all lol

 

[MBTI Enthusiast]

I appreciate this thread and the feedback as well! I guess I will have to let you guys know if the melody stops playing and the record skips a beat with the ENFP guy I've been seeing.

I can definitely see the potential for problems, but I do agree that any two people of any type should be able to make it work harmoniously. I like the idea that was brought up though about making a pro/con list and making sure you can live with the cons. This appeals highly to my ISTJness.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Post #13

I'm asking not for personal reasons, I've been thinking about it. I think this board really blows things out of proportion, and I think a lot of N users' perception of S users are very skewed to some bad experiences, with some people, and there is a very big assumption that they are SJs, without any confirmation except a few signs that aren't real indicative one type over the other. I'm more interested in an honest assessment of steps taken to make it work because you love the person first. My assumption is that the expectation of the effort is one-sided. As if the ISTJ is supposed to change their approach, while the other party doesn't.

Post #67

I'm getting with an ENFP, noting major yet. It's crossed my mind. I know there's different feelings on the matter from ENFPs out there. I just like to see where people are comng from when they say things.

OK, so now we're at the heart of the matter. Even though you earlier denied that your motivation for posting to this thread was for personal reasons, apparently it is... which is OK by me. That's why we're all here.

I applaud you trying to think through how MBTI factors might play out in your relationship. And, there are a lot of people... especially NFs... on this forum that find it offensive to say that personality type precludes any relationship... And they are right. Two people of any two personality types can have a relationship. And, if they are mature and willing to work at it, the relationship can be generally conflict free.

Now, my Te is going to kick in while I tell you that the above statements are a load of horse shit....

Two people of any personality type can have a relationship... but that doesn't mean that they'll have a good relationship. Conflict free... after tons of work and tons of compromise... does NOT make a good relationship. I think this offends some people's belief that love will conquer all. And, a lot of NFs believe this. In fact I believe it. But love winning the battle doesn't mean love wins the war.

What is happiness in a relationship? Well everyone has to figure it out for themselves, but in my opinion, there is always a logical give and take. A sense of reciprocity. A fundamental sense of fairness that what one gives brings a valuable and great return.

Say I were married to an INFJ who is by some theories supposed to be (along with an INTJ) my ideal complement. Well, I've dated INFJs. And, boy they can be the most obstinate, overly analytical bunch EVER. Oy vay!!!!!! But learning to live with this differing point-of-view is well worth it to me because they give me something I want in return... nay crave... namely a transcendent experience. INFJs and I are on the same wavelength. So alike in how we look at the world in some ways. So different in others. But when we connect it's like magic. (And same with INTJs by the way.)

Now take the ISTJ and ENFP relationship. Can it work for some people. Well, I never say never. But IN GENERAL I would say that the pay off for an ENFP in such a relationship is rather predictable. The ENFP would get safety and stability. The ISTJ would get pizazz and romance. But here's the problem:

In GENERAL, an ENFP that picks stability in such a relationship is not living up to their full ENFP-ness. The very core, the very essence of being an ENFP seems to be finding meaning and meaningful relationships in everything she/he does. For an ISTJ, this is not what makes them tick. In fact, their worldview in some ways extinguishes this perspective. Thus in GENERAL, I would say this is a bad, though not impossible, match.

Life is so short and so hard. Why not date someone who doesn't require so much work to find common ground? If I dated an ISTJ, I would find his stability very appealing. But eventually, I'd want to be my true self. I'd want to have long, passionate discussions, and meaningful connections with people, and have tons of analytical friends. My ISTJ would not be able to go there with me. AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG OR SELFISH ABOUT ME BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF ABOUT MY NEEDS IN THESE AREAS.

Could I make a relationship with an ISTJ work? Yeah, probably. But I choose not to. I choose to spend my energies, not on compromising about all the things I'd have to compromise with my hypothetical ISTJ boyfriend. I think their are a lot of ENFPs out there that find such putting one's own needs first as selfish and morally wrong. In fact, ENFPs are so good at tailoring their approach and putting other's needs in front of their own that they can wind up in relationships that don't really work for them in the long haul. I think that for ENFPs in particular, knowing who you are and knowing what you want (rather than tailoring one's approach to the people around you) is the key to self-actualization.

So I encourage you to have fun, but be honest with your needs, too. Do you want to spend the next 50 years of your life with someone who in some ways is speaking a different language than you (S/N)... that you will forever have to translate? 'Cause never doubt that meaningful, long-term relationships is the real goal of most ENFPs. So if you decide to seriously date this girl, you owe it to her... and yourself... to be honest about what about her will bug you in 10 years. This isn't being pessimistic. This is being realistic... and mature in your pursuit of relationship happiness.

 

[Lady_X]

good post ew.

it's just that everything special about you...all of your special gifts are just not....needed...or wanted or valued...it's like being an incredible musician living with someone who doesn't really care for music...or an amazing cook and your partner prefers fast food...and a million other similar things...all day...like...you feel at your best when you can nurture someone...the other person is too self sufficient for that...you love exploring thoughts and ideas..hopping from one thing to the next and they just want a detailed plan of what needs to be done and to just get started now and stop wasting time...and on and on...and on...

 

[IZthe411]

I read both your posts. Maybe I'm not ISTJ, then. I'm just not seeing the disconnect yet, where what she says is so foreign, so hard to grasp, but I'll let you know if it does. Honestly, I will. S/N definitely does not mean you won't know how to speak the other's language. It's just an indication where you reside. Doesn't mean I can't take it there. She might take the leap, but I can follow. I know for myself, I enjoy making the leap, seeing if I can see the same thing. I don't get frustrated, or think that she's wierd. I enjoy her. She enjoys me as well. We laugh together. Our discussions have depth.

I'm not a checklist dude, either. I very aware of my blindspots, so I know where I can be a terror. I ask the same for my lady- to know herself. If she gives me evidence that she has my interests and my needs in mind, we're good. Because she'll have mines. And that means that she can speak my language too. If she can't , I hope she'll try . We're founded on a spiritual basis as well; you may not be able to understand it's effect on our lives. I was trying to avoid bringing into the conversation, but why should I? It's the most important factor in the relationship, wherever it ends up.

I do wish you had your experience with an ISTJ with a little more balance, though.

 

[Patches]

Maybe I'm not ISTJ, then.

This is the first time in the entire thread I have been in agreement with something you have said.

 

[Patches]

Maybe I'm not ISTJ, then.

This is the first time in the entire thread I have been in agreement with something you have said.

 

[Lady_X]

i just think it's something to be aware of and discussed as you two get to know each other...i would never really advocate using mbti to weed out potential partners...just...use the information to better understand each other and be honest with yourselves and each other.

 

[BlackCat]

This is the first time in the entire thread I have been in agreement with something you have said.

Have you considered all of the other various differences? Other than MBTI type you and IZthe411 couldn't be any different imo...

 

[Thalassa]

This is the first time in the entire thread I have been in agreement with something you have said.

Honestly Patches if anyone seems "not ISTJ" it's you, so I don't know how seriously I take your opinion on the matter.

 

[Chloe]

good post ew.

it's just that everything special about you...all of your special gifts are just not....needed...or wanted or valued...it's like being an incredible musician living with someone who doesn't really care for music...or an amazing cook and your partner prefers fast food...and a million other similar things...all day...like...you feel at your best when you can nurture someone...the other person is too self sufficient for that...you love exploring thoughts and ideas..hopping from one thing to the next and they just want a detailed plan of what needs to be done and to just get started now and stop wasting time...and on and on...and on...

Good post. My mom is ISTJ and this is exactly how I feel next to her. And I live with her. Likea musician but she doesnt love music... it's jut noise to her that is getting in a way of cleaning house, or doing something productive. Not the same as relationship, but I gave up on a lot of me, and my talent, during life, because my mom considered them as time wasting... so I'd imagine the same battle in relationship ...

 

[animenagai]

Honestly Patches if anyone seems "not ISTJ" it's you, so I don't know how seriously I take your opinion on the matter.

lol I think I agree. I don't think any of the ISTJ's I've met have been as blunt as Patches for starters.