What do you mean the "act" of Fe camaraderie? My Fe is more about being neutral or at the very least projecting neutrality than camaraderie. I don't think ESFJs project the life is perfect thing, or maybe it depends on what kind of ESFJs you've run across. I've actually found that to be more of a problem with ENFJs than ESFJs. I wonder if ESFJs are more confrontational (less smooth) than ENFJs. A huge complaint that I resisted for a long time about ENFJs was conflict avoidance even when something needs to be addressed, questioned, and hashed out but once I saw it happening IRL with two ENFJs I was like oh, it's real. Being conflict avoidant is not a predominantly Fe trait, but the way someone goes about being conflict avoidant indicates type/function preference I think. I found the smoothness, greasiness, the appeasing attitude to be eye-opening in dealing with ENFJs and seeing it in them made me wonder about it in myself. I ask myself to what ends and for what purpose is this beneficial?I guess the question remains, how do I genuinely keep up the act of Fe comeraderie, the sense of "life is perfect" like most ESFJs, with the other me who prefers my own distance and melancholic privacy and skepticism of the status quo. Im waiting on Jung specialists to define this polarization of Fe and Ni cause I dont have a clue as to what is the answer to this.
Thing is, if my Thinking function were anywhere as strong as my Intuition function, I think i'd be happy being a bonafide IxTx type. I'm jealous of how detached they can be and in their own world.. Fe always pulls me back so I have to keep up as soon as I fall deep into my intuitive state.
I don't necessarily see that with ESFJs...there's a staunchness, earnestness, and transparency there that minimizes the feeling like you're being like they're holding back on you. ESFJs are rawer and more exposed than ENFJs. I feel like ESFJs will get real with you faster and with ENFJs you're more likely to encounter a walled garden that blocks off access. Maybe the walled garden is the melancholic privacy you're referring to, you realize you need that space but it conflicts with Fe wanting to have open borders.
As an ExFJ I feel that need as well so I don't know if it's particularly ESFJ or ENFJ, but I don't feel bad about it or find it irreconcilable with Fe. In fact, I think that time to analyze and chomp on whatever I'm chomping on as time well spent and deepen my understanding of interpersonal relationships. It helps get past the surface.
One of the big things I noticed especially within the last two years is people's tendency to be blindly sympathetic to someone. Here's a simple example.
You have a person who recently broke up with their SO. You know both of the people in the relationship, but aren't particularly close with either of them. One day, one of them invites you out to a movie or something and you guys get to talking and they tell you all about What Went Wrong. They tell you the other person was jealous, insecure, controlling, manipulative, didn't keep their promises, etc. etc. You may be oh I'm so sorry, how could they do that, what is their problem, yeah you dodged a bullet, thank goodness you're out of that relationship.
It's so many repercussions to that experience. Since the person you went out with got to your "first" you may begin to develop a dislike towards their SO. They did nothing to you, you don't even know them that well but you feel the seeds of dislike within yourself. How would that situation change if that person were a close friend of yours? Their ex would be doubly damned.
Those times of introspection help me think around and beyond and sift out what information I receive. During those times, I may think hey what about the other person's side of the story? Did the person I talk to keep unflattering information from me to boost themselves? Maybe their SO saw a side of them I don't see? Maybe there are things that have gone down I don't know about. Since I've done that enough within myself I don't even necessarily have to go back into a cave to have those thoughts spring in my mind, they come automatically. Which is why I rather be neutral and project neutrality than camaraderie...the neutrality is a product of trying to think and be healthily skeptical of how people present themselves, what they say to me and not trying to take either "side" or opinions that I can't verify. For me, it's a check on an aspect of Fe that I find irritating. Converse of this is it can get you into trouble when you don't automatically assume the best (personal experience!) so at that point it's up to you to decide how you want to go forward.
I think that when these thoughts penetrate through for Fe doms, natural instinct is to beat them back. It's not viewed as something good or something to be encouraged...that's there's something worthy in allowing those those to continue. The only advice I can give is there's nothing wrong with feeling those things and having those thoughts. There are insights in there. Welcome them, go have a margarita with them, sit down and chat. The more comfortable you become with those thoughts, the less you will feel like it's some ugly thing you have to hide or steal away from people in order to indulge in. I guess it's about being receptive to them and maybe that walled garden will disappear.
For me, I have a walled garden. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get rid of it, but I do think it should be transparent. I'd rather feel like I have nothing to hide, even if there are boundaries.