I have terrible memory which I am now attributing to inferior Si. Not memory like reading a novel and not remembering specific details - I am actually fairly good with that stuff. But memories with people, conversations, emotional memory maybe.
Someone said something very important to me about a year ago. It was so important. It was an essential part of our relationship and it really could have helped me a lot when I have tried to go back and understand. I have the hardest time trying to understand the past. I much prefer to just move on and create future possibilities than to try to understand something that happened in the past. I hate doing it but I find myself stuck in the Fi-Si loop a lot when I am, well, just stuck and cannot implement external plans to move forward yet.
We had an important, long conversation where I asked for clarification many times. But even if that happened last week, I can guarantee that I still won't remember most of it. I will remember the gist of it and the outcome, but all the important facts in-between, I wouldn't have a clue. I am also fond of deleting memories and just closing doors on the past.
My Si-dom friend sees me as confused, which is true because all I have is Fi and Ne and blunt Te. How am I to understand the past and stick to one 'theory' or 'fact' of what happened if I have so much Ne. Even when I think of the past, I still focus on possibilities of what had happened, completely forgetting what actually did happen. And these possibilities of mine are more cynical and dramatic that what actually transpired. And I get stuck in this loop of making the past worse than it actually was, not because I want to or because I have so much free time on my hands. It's because I want to understand, I want to remember, but I cannot. Maybe Event A happened but I can still find reasons to believe the evidence for Event A is false and misleading and the possibilities of Event B/C/D are still there.
It's like having an ocean of positive and negative tidal waves for a foundation instead of a sturdy layer of bricks to keep me steady and keep the scenarios down to one.
So I was washing the dishes when this tiny little piece of information decided to laser itself into my brain and I feel like such a fool because I forgot something so, so important. It wasn't the code to my secret bank account or something, it was a piece of conversation, an emotional memory. I just can't god damn remember what happened in the past in the midst of all these possibilities my brain is just endlessly generating.