[MBTI General] NF love?

[sakuraba]

to me is seems so flaky.

if you can go from person to person proclaiming them all to be "the one true love of my life"

and seems like the ysometimes FORCE themselves to "love" someone just for the sake of having someone... ie, would rather be in a bad relationship than be single and find someone they can have a good relationship with


overall i dont get the NF when it comes to love and relationships
can you guys help me out here...explain your views and such

 

[Snowey1210]

Hmm... From my perspective I'm not going proclaim someone as the love of my life until I'm entirely certain. Perhaps due to my P tendencies the idea of commiting to such a notion is way too final for my liking.

I'm not really into the idea of love at first sight either, in most cases people I've had feelings toward have been the result of some sort of development. Love to me is not found, but instead uncovered. My feelings are deep but are not entirely irrational either, perhaps thats due to a strong T.

For me, I find SF's to be more the "one true love" type. (Not that there's anything wrong with that). I'd wager that when NF's say such things they would really mean it.

 

[ferrisbueller]

I do think that you're describing ENF's here rather than INF's. The INFJ's and INFP's I know are very careful about who they love romantically but when they do get involved they do so very deeply. The reason we ENF's may declare profound love a little bit often is pretty simple: that's how we feel, we get very excited about relationships very quickly and I know that I'm very quick to apply the love label to a relationship. As for staying in bad relationships, NFs put a tremendous amount of work into making their interpersonal relationships work, and I think to an extent leaving that relationship is admitting failure. A lot of NFs tend to shoulder the blame for relationship problems, so we stay in bad relationships not because we are necessarily afraid to be alone, but because we feel like we are responsible for the relationship's flaws and we feel like we can fix them.

 

[Kiddo]

to me is seems so flaky.

if you can go from person to person proclaiming them all to be "the one true love of my life"

and seems like the ysometimes FORCE themselves to "love" someone just for the sake of having someone... ie, would rather be in a bad relationship than be single and find someone they can have a good relationship with


overall i dont get the NF when it comes to love and relationships
can you guys help me out here...explain your views and such

From the NF attraction threads and the Type and Passion survey thread, I have to disagree with your assessment. It seems that a good share of NFs have tried the pragmatic set up that you are suggesting and have learned that only genuine emotion will allow them to continue the relationship. In fact, it seems only SP and SJ types have any real capacity to have such relationships.

 

[cafe]

to me is seems so flaky.

if you can go from person to person proclaiming them all to be "the one true love of my life"

and seems like the ysometimes FORCE themselves to "love" someone just for the sake of having someone... ie, would rather be in a bad relationship than be single and find someone they can have a good relationship with


overall i dont get the NF when it comes to love and relationships
can you guys help me out here...explain your views and such

I think your ideas about NFs are inaccurate. I know they are for me, and several of the NFs on this forum.

I've only ever dated two guys my whole life. The second one I've been married to for fifteen years. I'm not capable of flitting from relationship to relationship. That's why I've never dated casually.

I would rather be single than in a bad relationship, but my relationship is good. I know everybody says that, but my best girlfriends agree with me and sometimes tell me they wish they had what my hubby and I have. If your best girlfriends say that kind of thing, then it's probably true.

 

[Geoff]

to me is seems so flaky.

if you can go from person to person proclaiming them all to be "the one true love of my life"

and seems like the ysometimes FORCE themselves to "love" someone just for the sake of having someone... ie, would rather be in a bad relationship than be single and find someone they can have a good relationship with


overall i dont get the NF when it comes to love and relationships
can you guys help me out here...explain your views and such

As others have said, this isn't an NF hallmark. The flitting thing could even be SF (ESFP, particularly).

Presumably this is from personal experience?

 

[wedekit]

Yeah, I personally never have jumped from one relationship to the next. That would be too heartbreaking of an experience for an NF in my opinion.

 

[Shinzon]

*

 

[wolfmaiden14]

unhealthy or immature NFs may flit around due to their idealistic nature, and becoming bored or some other form of dis-satisfied with a relationship once they see the flaws. They may have a million "the ones" because they really do connect deeply and intensely with other people and may just be mis-interpreting that as attraction all the time, or because that's truly how they feel at that given moment(Especially in the case of ENF's as stated in a different post). Or, it could just be the ST shadow showing up.

Other than that, what you describe is pretty opposite for at least most of the NFs on this forum.

As for looking for a relationship just to be loved, that's really just an immaturity thing regardless of type. Ferris brings up really good points about why an NF would stay with a bad one, too.

 

[Carebear]

I'll jump on the NF bandwagon here and say the same. The OP doesn't really fit the NFs I know. I'd rather be single than in a bad relationship (though I can tolerate periods of problems in good relationships, and therefore also tolerate bad relationships for a while until I realize they're not good relationships with problems, but formerly good relationships that have turned bad.)

I don't believe in any "one true love", but I do believe in deciding that you'll treat your partner as if he/she were your one true love if the relationship is good and has promise. It's not something I rush into though. If it turns bad you break the illusion, cut away, lick your wounds and analyze what happened . There's no point in chasing love, but if you after a while find yourself entering a new relationship, you repeat the procedure if the relationship seems good and has promise even after the initial infatuation wears off.

 

[faith]

Huh? Where the heck did you get that idea? You're way off.

I'm 34. Until about year ago, I'd only ever loved one man. I'd loved him for 12 years, though he'd never loved me back. I tried and tried and tried to get over him, but how does one stop love?

If anything, I have the opposite problem. The best I've found is that I can redirect love from a romantic nature to a friendship/brotherly nature. To stop loving entirely would be like carving out my heart.

 

[Lateralus]

I do think that you're describing ENF's here rather than INF's. The INFJ's and INFP's I know are very careful about who they love romantically but when they do get involved they do so very deeply. The reason we ENF's may declare profound love a little bit often is pretty simple: that's how we feel, we get very excited about relationships very quickly and I know that I'm very quick to apply the love label to a relationship. As for staying in bad relationships, NFs put a tremendous amount of work into making their interpersonal relationships work, and I think to an extent leaving that relationship is admitting failure. A lot of NFs tend to shoulder the blame for relationship problems, so we stay in bad relationships not because we are necessarily afraid to be alone, but because we feel like we are responsible for the relationship's flaws and we feel like we can fix them.

Most of what you say about ENFs applies to me. Although, in the past my approach to bad relationships is different than you describe. I would lose interest and start to distance myself, but I wouldn't actually end it. I didn't want to deal with the conflict/emotion/etc. I used to string along a lot of girls, which I'm not exactly proud of. In the end, it made things worse (a big reason I'm not friends with most of my ex's). It's a behavior I think I've eliminated. Then again, I haven't been in that situation in quite a while...

To answer the OP: The number of girls I've truly loved? One.

 

[cascadeco]

to me is seems so flaky.

if you can go from person to person proclaiming them all to be "the one true love of my life"

and seems like the ysometimes FORCE themselves to "love" someone just for the sake of having someone... ie, would rather be in a bad relationship than be single and find someone they can have a good relationship with


overall i dont get the NF when it comes to love and relationships
can you guys help me out here...explain your views and such

I'd say I'm almost the exact opposite of what you describe. 'Just for the sake of having someone' goes against my grain -- and if that were the case, I wouldn't be perpetually single and go years without being in a relationship.

But yes, in one relationship I did try to convince myself of feelings I didn't truly have, for a variety of reasons, but I was miserable the whole time and I'll never do that again.

Yep, check out the Passions thread.

 

[SolitaryPenguin]

*grabs one of the open seats on the back of the bandwagon*

Gonna have to agree with the majority here. I've spent more time single waiting for the right one than I did actually dating. It takes a lot for me to want to invest that time in a person, so I take my time trying to find out whether I even want to.

I only had one bad relationship that I felt obligated to stay in, but not because I needed to be with someone, more for my son.

 

[Domino]

I've attached to two people. TWO.

Both of them took me years just to think of them without crying and wanting to explode.

 

[Geoff]

OK, I think maybe enough people have jumped on the original post now...!

 

[Carebear]

OK, I think maybe enough people have jumped on the original post now...!

True. Let's jump on this one instead. I disagree wholeheartedly with it.

 

[Geoff]

True. Let's jump on this one instead. I disagree wholeheartedly with it.

Oh, so do I!

 

[Domino]

That Geoff is such a post-jumper.

 

[substitute]

Sakuraba, do you mean that from your POV, it seems as though NF's are often more in love with the idea of being in love, than actually truly in love with the person?

My experience says that can be the case with many types... it's often the case with young/immature people, generally. The ideal is pushed on us all so hard that lots of people (maybe more so females) are made to feel like they're a failure if they don't find their "one true love" and have a dream wedding etc, etc... They want to live the dream/ideal so bad that they convince themselves that someone who comes along, fits the part, when really they've just been sorta shoe-horned into it.

I've been on the receiving end of an INFJ doing that to me, but I can say I've been as guilty of it in the past myself, and I'm definitely not an NF.