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Thread: NF love?

  1. #31
    will make your day Carebear's Avatar
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    It seems a lot like what nightning talked about though. Not really daring to commit emotionally to the relationship, because he can only do that when everything is perfect. In that respect he could be said to be doing the opposite of flitting from relationship to relationship. He never really begins them in the first place.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Carebear View Post
    It seems a lot like what nightning talked about though. Not really daring to commit emotionally to the relationship, because he can only do that when everything is perfect. In that respect he could be said to be doing the opposite of flitting from relationship to relationship. He never really begins them in the first place.
    I think you may be right...he never really begins relationships in the first place. Even when he was married....he was alway gone from the home.

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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Sakuraba, do you mean that from your POV, it seems as though NF's are often more in love with the idea of being in love, than actually truly in love with the person?

    My experience says that can be the case with many types... it's often the case with young/immature people, generally. The ideal is pushed on us all so hard that lots of people (maybe more so females) are made to feel like they're a failure if they don't find their "one true love" and have a dream wedding etc, etc... They want to live the dream/ideal so bad that they convince themselves that someone who comes along, fits the part, when really they've just been sorta shoe-horned into it.

    I've been on the receiving end of an INFJ doing that to me, but I can say I've been as guilty of it in the past myself, and I'm definitely not an NF.


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  4. #34
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sakuraba View Post
    BINGO!!!
    If that's what you're talking about... you're likely to be referring to all young/immature Fs... it doesn't just pertain to NFs. *shrugs* A lesson people learn... eventually.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Carebear View Post
    It seems a lot like what nightning talked about though. Not really daring to commit emotionally to the relationship, because he can only do that when everything is perfect. In that respect he could be said to be doing the opposite of flitting from relationship to relationship. He never really begins them in the first place.
    Just some thoughts...

    NFs approach love, perhaps as a search for a person. They commit to the person, in a relationship.

    This means they could slip in and out of actual relationships, without ever really cheating. Since the love for the person may have been very real. So to them, it isn't a betrayal at all. You love different people in different ways. Whether or not it was in a relationship is secondary. And F as a judgement filter, means personal shades of gray as to what constitutes faith, and what constitutes betrayal, isn't it. I tend to think of Fs as reactionary that way... i.e. if they were tempted and circumstances were favourable, they'd see it as another love, and separate and distinct from their other relationships. Not sure if that is clear..

    I think NTs tend to commit to the relationship, and not necessarily the person. In that, they choose someone, and even as the person changes, they tend to be blindsided in their commitment and stay on even when the feelings have died. They're committed to the commitment. Betrayal is the breaking of the faith, whether or not the other person was hurt is not the question.

    Both approaches have their flaws obviously. The F approach makes me nervous, I'd have to admit. It makes me wonder when love dies, would the person just walk. i.e. he sees no reason to be committed anymore. Whereas a T would keep their word, miserably, until an external catalyst comes to change the principle. I hope I'm wrong. But I don't know.

    Hard questions...

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    Quote Originally Posted by nightning View Post
    If that's what you're talking about... you're likely to be referring to all young/immature Fs... it doesn't just pertain to NFs. *shrugs* A lesson people learn... eventually.
    Not even just F's... and haha... I've known a few T's of various flavours to get hooked on moping about, revelling in the 'tragedy' that they can never have their true love... for all the tragic reasons they give... that really amount to "I barely know her actually, and besides, she's with someone else".

    I've seen many a Thinker go down that path. Attributing qualities to someone that they don't have, getting obsessed with them, and pretty much fixating on the impossibility of this 'doomed love' maybe as a defense mechanism to stop them actually seeking a proper relationship of true intimacy... of which they're afraid.
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    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Not even just F's... and haha... I've known a few T's of various flavours to get hooked on moping about, revelling in the 'tragedy' that they can never have their true love... for all the tragic reasons they give... that really amount to "I barely know her actually, and besides, she's with someone else".

    I've seen many a Thinker go down that path. Attributing qualities to someone that they don't have, getting obsessed with them, and pretty much fixating on the impossibility of this 'doomed love' maybe as a defense mechanism to stop them actually seeking a proper relationship of true intimacy... of which they're afraid.
    Because of the Ti isn't it. A perfect system. That's what I meant that a T clings to a principle/ideal of a love, and to a relationship which may not be real. Because the ideal matters more than the person. ?

    make sense?

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    will make your day Carebear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aelan View Post
    Just some thoughts...

    NFs approach love, perhaps as a search for a person. They commit to the person, in a relationship.

    This means they could slip in and out of actual relationships, without ever really cheating. Since the love for the person may have been very real. So to them, it isn't a betrayal at all. You love different people in different ways. Whether or not it was in a relationship is secondary. And F as a judgement filter, means personal shades of gray as to what constitutes faith, and what constitutes betrayal, isn't it. I tend to think of Fs as reactionary that way... i.e. if they were tempted and circumstances were favourable, they'd see it as another love, and separate and distinct from their other relationships. Not sure if that is clear..

    I think NTs tend to commit to the relationship, and not necessarily the person. In that, they choose someone, and even as the person changes, they tend to be blindsided in their commitment and stay on even when the feelings have died. They're committed to the commitment. Betrayal is the breaking of the faith, whether or not the other person was hurt is not the question.

    Both approaches have their flaws obviously. The F approach makes me nervous, I'd have to admit. It makes me wonder when love dies, would the person just walk. i.e. he sees no reason to be committed anymore. Whereas a T would keep their word, miserably, until an external catalyst comes to change the principle. I hope I'm wrong. But I don't know.

    Hard questions...
    Well, to a degree it makes sense, especially the commitment to person vs. commitment to principle, but you'll find so many individual differences that it'll rarely apply in the way you describe it. There are also huge differences between J and P/I and E in this regard. NFJs are probably more likely to commit to the principle and stick with it than the NFPs etc.
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  9. #39
    Lallygag Moderator Geoff's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by aelan View Post
    Just some thoughts...

    NFs approach love, perhaps as a search for a person. They commit to the person, in a relationship.

    This means they could slip in and out of actual relationships, without ever really cheating. Since the love for the person may have been very real. So to them, it isn't a betrayal at all. You love different people in different ways. Whether or not it was in a relationship is secondary. And F as a judgement filter, means personal shades of gray as to what constitutes faith, and what constitutes betrayal, isn't it. I tend to think of Fs as reactionary that way... i.e. if they were tempted and circumstances were favourable, they'd see it as another love, and separate and distinct from their other relationships. Not sure if that is clear..

    I think NTs tend to commit to the relationship, and not necessarily the person. In that, they choose someone, and even as the person changes, they tend to be blindsided in their commitment and stay on even when the feelings have died. They're committed to the commitment. Betrayal is the breaking of the faith, whether or not the other person was hurt is not the question.

    Both approaches have their flaws obviously. The F approach makes me nervous, I'd have to admit. It makes me wonder when love dies, would the person just walk. i.e. he sees no reason to be committed anymore. Whereas a T would keep their word, miserably, until an external catalyst comes to change the principle. I hope I'm wrong. But I don't know.

    Hard questions...
    I don't want to give you a hard time for trying to fit a pattern around the types.. but.. putting aside introversion/extraversion there is too much variation between the different types (NFJ, NTJ, NTP NFP) to try and put it down to one pairing vs another quite this simply.. I think..

    It is also a bit too easy to justify the reverse behaviour using the same arguments.. eg perhaps NTs don't commit because their feelings aren't involved, or are less well understood (rather than the opposite).. Or, NFs may commit for life because they are so values driven, and they may hold the values that lifelong love and commitment are a core quality...

    Hmm, hard questions indeed. Maybe it is just something that happens to "people".. and then how they react to it is based on type (so the type is a secondary impact, not a primary cause).

  10. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Geoff View Post
    I don't want to give you a hard time for trying to fit a pattern around the types.. but.. putting aside introversion/extraversion there is too much variation between the different types (NFJ, NTJ, NTP NFP) to try and put it down to one pairing vs another quite this simply.. I think..

    It is also a bit too easy to justify the reverse behaviour using the same arguments.. eg perhaps NTs don't commit because their feelings aren't involved, or are less well understood (rather than the opposite).. Or, NFs may commit for life because they are so values driven, and they may hold the values that lifelong love and commitment are a core quality...

    Hmm, hard questions indeed. Maybe it is just something that happens to "people".. and then how they react to it is based on type (so the type is a secondary impact, not a primary cause).
    not a hard time, was merely observations (while at work!), and was wondering if there was any relation.

    True that... love is a personal experience at the end of it, isn't it. Otherwise there'd only be 16 ways of loving in the world. And the types don't take into account experience and conscious control of destructive behaviour....

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