[INFJ] INFJ woman with the blues lacks motivation

[mochajava]

I'm the INFJ woman in question So, the blues. They've come. And settled upon my life, due to tons of difficult situations in the past year that are littered all over this forum wherever relevant. Not what I'm asking about here.

What do you do to regain motivation? I'm overwhelmed (not that I've been working particularly hard, I think that the aforementioned blues are just decreasing my capacity so much that any normal-person 40-hour week feels overwhelming). I have a very flexible, interesting, stimulating, and self-directed research position -- but as night approaches, I am dreading tomorrow. I don't want to wake up and deal with my deluge of e-mails, wading through data, etc. Is this the time where I take the morning off and go out and do something different / fun? I've read that sometimes when you're feeling totally overwhelmed, you should just take a break and try to remember what having fun feels like (though the blues inhibit this a lot).

I also exercise a lot (weightlifting, hot yoga, aerobic stuff), and I'm getting help with the blues / life events, just in case.

 

[Sniffles]

Find a quiet spot and just drift off for a certain period of time -like an hour or two. This will at least take some of the edge off. I've been burned out too lately, so you have my sympathies.

 

[cafe]

If it won't mess anything else up, I'd definitely give yourself a morning off. I've found a little break from my day job, even though I don't work outside the home, helps me go back in with a good attitude, even if it's just taking myself out for lunch with a good book. All work and no play . . .

 

[eclare]

I assume that "getting help with the blues/life events" means you're seeing a psychiatrist? Definitely recommend getting evaluated for a mood disorder.

Also, I'm not sure where you're located, but I find that I always get the blue in late October/early November as the days get noticeably shorter. If you think you may be susceptible to Seasonal Affective Disorder check out www.sunbox.com. My sunbox has made a huge difference.

 

[mochajava]

@Cafe - What a good idea! I remember when I was in Seattle, I'd do lots of books + good coffee + alone time at lunch, and it really helped. And then I started doing it when I didn't "need" it.

@Peguy - I hope you find a good antidote to your burnout!

eclare: I assume that "getting help with the blues/life events" means you're seeing a psychiatrist? Definitely recommend getting evaluated for a mood disorder. If you think you may be susceptible to Seasonal Affective Disorder check out www.sunbox.com. My sunbox has made a huge difference.

I'm seeing a psychologist, rather than psychiatrist, since I think much of this may be linked to events / beliefs / upbringing and not an underlying chemical imbalance.

Also, is getting a full spectrum lightbulb the same as getting a light? Those seem a little cheaper / easier in that you don't have to rearrange your house quite as much.

In general, I think I get burnt out fairly easily... how much work each day is ENOUGH? I still haven't been able to answer this for myself. 8 hours? 10 hours? Does that include meetings or not? I suppose I'm fairly achievement-driven and for that, more is better, but you do have to balance it with your personal life, happiness, and as cafe says, "all work and no play..."

 

[Arclight]

This is along the lines of the mini book coffee break, just a little more intensive. It depends on several factors. (time, money, obligations to family and work)
But You sound like you need a holiday, even just a weekend to yourself somewhere away from where you normally are.
A change of scenery can do wonders in terms or shifting perspective and gaining new insights.

 

[Vasilisa]

mochajava, I notice there isn't much mention of loving people around you. Do you have cherished people around you right now? Introverts, yes, but nothing can really warm us like another person who cares and is understanding and just rooting for you. I can float off in my own sad head space, not noticing how isolating I have become, while at the same time thinking hard about how isolated I am. And I find myself believing its always been that way. But a person who cares can help me shake that delusion.

I'm rooting for you here. Please follow up.

 

[mochajava]

@Arclight - I am taking a bit of a change of scene for Thanksgiving. My schedule is flexible enough that I'll be gone for 1.5 weeks. I suppose I should start planning and looking forward to it... planning mostly so that I put myself on busy friend's calendars. Always good to see old friends...

@Vasilisa - I really like your name! I've been meaning to tell you that since I read the myth about Vasilisa in Women Who Run With The Wolves . About your comment though, you may have hit the nail on the head? I've moved every 1-2 years since college, with stints of a few months here and there in between. I'm not the type of person who plunks down in a new location and has a group of friends. I'm slower, as I search for much closer connections. I'm surrounded by classmates (as a graduate student), people I work with, and my husband. So life isn't totally devoid of other human beings, but there's no one in my life on a day-to-day sort of basis that, well, understands and validates me. There's something about that type of relationship (being understood) that makes all the difference in the world. I had one INFJ friend like that last year, and we had that type of relationship, but she finished her degree and moved back to the country she was from... so I think I am looking for that now, maybe. Weirdly, these have all been INFJs (and INFPs) in my life! I don't think there is someone reaching out wondering how I'm doing though, except my husband, but his abilities to console / make me feel less alone are kind of limited because he doesn't really understand me (he's an INTJ). And his family is great, but they don't deal with topics of depth or feelings... more like what you ate and did today. Really loving people, but no deep conversations really. I kind of avoid them when I'm down, because they'll worry or wonder what's wrong with me... and I kind of don't blame them -- who would want their kid married to someone with "problems" (especially in a culture like mine, where it is so stigmatized)? So that's where I am with people... this is a hard subject for me to talk about, I think because I'm cut off from my family since last year.

 

[Sparrow]

Yes take a break! Sounds like you need one you might come back feeling rejuvenated <3. I was feeling the same way...I wish I would have taken a real vacation. I got so stressed out that I ended up quitting my job instead :|. But during the time that I was unemployed I did get a chance to take care of myself, it was a nice 1 month break lol, I got a chance to take care of all of my neglected relationships, car stuff, health, etc. The only shitty part is that I lost a really good job. So yes, take a nice vacation with some friends! It may do you some good .

 

[Intricate Mystic]

I assume that "getting help with the blues/life events" means you're seeing a psychiatrist? Definitely recommend getting evaluated for a mood disorder.

Also, I'm not sure where you're located, but I find that I always get the blue in late October/early November as the days get noticeably shorter. If you think you may be susceptible to Seasonal Affective Disorder check out www.sunbox.com. My sunbox has made a huge difference.

I get the winter blues,too! I have a light box that tilts over my computer monitor, and a second one at a desk for when I am reading something. I have really noticed in the past few weeks that other people are getting tired and draggy, but I'm doing pretty well. It becomes quite noticeable when you are doing light therapy and the people around you aren't. I remember going into the post office one December, standing in a long line to mail packages. I was feeling pretty well mood-wise due to having started light therapy several months before, but the people in line were like zombies....tired and just dull, and lacking in any enthusiasm for life. It was such a stark contrast. Lightboxes FTW!

I'm seeing a psychologist, rather than psychiatrist, since I think much of this may be linked to events / beliefs / upbringing and not an underlying chemical imbalance.

Also, is getting a full spectrum lightbulb the same as getting a light? Those seem a little cheaper / easier in that you don't have to rearrange your house quite as much.

In general, I think I get burnt out fairly easily... how much work each day is ENOUGH? I still haven't been able to answer this for myself. 8 hours? 10 hours? Does that include meetings or not? I suppose I'm fairly achievement-driven and for that, more is better, but you do have to balance it with your personal life, happiness, and as cafe says, "all work and no play..."

No, it's not the same. The lightboxes have a light diffusing screen over the bulbs to filter out the ultraviolet light wavelengths and distribute the light output more evenly. You basically just need to get more full-spectrum light coming in through your eyes, so reading a book with fairly white (not cream-colored) pages that will reflect the light from the box into your eyes is what you're aiming for. For people who are susceptible to getting the winter blues, the fatigue and lack of motivation can creep up on you before you realize it. If you are someone who is affected by the days getting shorter, light therapy will put a smile back on your face!

 

[Intricate Mystic]

I assume that "getting help with the blues/life events" means you're seeing a psychiatrist? Definitely recommend getting evaluated for a mood disorder.

Also, I'm not sure where you're located, but I find that I always get the blue in late October/early November as the days get noticeably shorter. If you think you may be susceptible to Seasonal Affective Disorder check out www.sunbox.com. My sunbox has made a huge difference.

I get the winter blues,too! I have a light box that tilts over my computer monitor, and a second one at a desk for when I am reading something. I have really noticed in the past few weeks that other people are getting tired and draggy, but I'm doing pretty well. It becomes quite noticeable when you are doing light therapy and the people around you aren't. I remember going into the post office one December, standing in a long line to mail packages. I was feeling pretty well mood-wise due to having started light therapy several months before, but the people in line were like zombies....tired and just dull, and lacking in any enthusiasm for life. It was such a stark contrast. Lightboxes FTW!

I'm seeing a psychologist, rather than psychiatrist, since I think much of this may be linked to events / beliefs / upbringing and not an underlying chemical imbalance.

Also, is getting a full spectrum lightbulb the same as getting a light? Those seem a little cheaper / easier in that you don't have to rearrange your house quite as much.

In general, I think I get burnt out fairly easily... how much work each day is ENOUGH? I still haven't been able to answer this for myself. 8 hours? 10 hours? Does that include meetings or not? I suppose I'm fairly achievement-driven and for that, more is better, but you do have to balance it with your personal life, happiness, and as cafe says, "all work and no play..."

No, it's not the same. The lightboxes have a light diffusing screen over the bulbs to filter out the ultraviolet light wavelengths and distribute the light output more evenly. You basically just need to get more full-spectrum light coming in through your eyes, so reading a book with fairly white (not cream-colored) pages that will reflect the light from the box into your eyes is what you're aiming for. For people who are susceptible to getting the winter blues, the fatigue and lack of motivation can creep up on you before you realize it. If you are someone who is affected by the days getting shorter, light therapy will put a smile back on your face!

 

[mochajava]

Intricate Mystic: I have really noticed in the past few weeks that other people are getting tired and draggy, but I'm doing pretty well. It becomes quite noticeable when you are doing light therapy and the people around you aren't. I remember going into the post office one December, standing in a long line to mail packages. I was feeling pretty well mood-wise due to having started light therapy several months before, but the people in line were like zombies....tired and just dull, and lacking in any enthusiasm for life. It was such a stark contrast.

This is so true. I notice these looks on people's faces, particularly public transportation in the northeast. Next time you're on a Boston or NYC subway, look at everyone's faces.

Seems like the lightbox is the way to go. It's not quite dark here yet, but it's getting there. Also, I work from home, so I could easily sit in front of the light those days.

And, btw, I should have said this long ago -- thanks to everyone who is contributing on here!

 

[cafe]

I don't want to derail the thread, but what is a good place to get a light box? I tried medication for the winter blues a few years back and it made me feel worse than I normally do. That was really not good.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I'm the INFJ woman in question So, the blues. They've come. And settled upon my life, due to tons of difficult situations in the past year that are littered all over this forum wherever relevant. Not what I'm asking about here.

I can relate to what you say in your OP. I was just wondering if the combination of having gone through difficult situations and then to be excessively busy with data and emails is a bad combo. Your mind might be trying to process everything that has happened, but the surface business never quite lets it finish. In that way you are actually distracted internally and so the external pressures are compounded. That could definitely cause burnout. I'm not sure what the answer is, but the lack of motivation might actually be your mind just needing time to process things internally. The problem is that it is difficult to have a life in which there is time for that sort of thing.

 

[mochajava]

cafe: I don't want to derail the thread, but what is a good place to get a light box?

Actually, I'd like to know that. I'd like to order one now before the short days really hit, and I'd love to get a good deal too (the cost is something that's deterred me in the past). Btw, cafe, one thing I really love about you besides the generosity and insightfulness of your posts, is that you know exactly who you are and you own that. That's huge and amazing to me!

Annwn: Your mind might be trying to process everything that has happened, but the surface business never quite lets it finish. In that way you are actually distracted internally and so the external pressures are compounded. That could definitely cause burnout. I'm not sure what the answer is, but the lack of motivation might actually be your mind just needing time to process things internally.

Oh my goodness. You're exactly right. Usually lack of motivation / burnout, etc. is a signal to you to slow down and to stop, because sometimes there's an underlying internal process that needs to happen. This is incredibly hard to remember when you are feeling buried and like you're lacking energy. Thanks SO much for this reminder. Okay - today will be an 8 hour workday, not a 10 hour one! In a way, I do have the time / flexibility to process things, until December anyway. I'm sort of in the habit of defining myself as an overachiever and that's something I need to break...

 

[cafe]

Actually, I'd like to know that. I'd like to order one now before the short days really hit, and I'd love to get a good deal too (the cost is something that's deterred me in the past). Btw, cafe, one thing I really love about you besides the generosity and insightfulness of your posts, is that you know exactly who you are and you own that. That's huge and amazing to me!

Thank you. Learning to accept myself and be okay with how I am, even though I'm not my own ideal is kind of a journey I'm on. It's gotten easier with age and I like it when I can make other people feel comfortable with being human by being open with my own struggles.

And I know what you mean about the price -- I've been among the uninsured since July so these things can be prohibitive.

Oh my goodness. You're exactly right. Usually lack of motivation / burnout, etc. is a signal to you to slow down and to stop, because sometimes there's an underlying internal process that needs to happen. This is incredibly hard to remember when you are feeling buried and like you're lacking energy. Thanks SO much for this reminder. Okay - today will be an 8 hour workday, not a 10 hour one! In a way, I do have the time / flexibility to process things, until December anyway. I'm sort of in the habit of defining myself as an overachiever and that's something I need to break...

I don't know about you, but sometimes I can't even gauge my level of . . . I don't know what to call it . . . emotional distress? until I'm on the other side of it looking back. It's easy to feel like you shouldn't be that screwed up by a particular set of circumstances or that you should be over it by now, but these things just take however long they take and there isn't anything wrong with cutting yourself a little slack after you've gone though something difficult. It's like a physical sickness -- if you overdo you can make the recovery take longer than it otherwise might.

 

[CuriousFeeling]

What helps me to regain motivation is the drive to do everything I dream of before I kick the bucket. As much as life can be challenging for everyone, there are two things we can do to overcome our challenges. One, we could sit around and do nothing about it and shoot ourselves later for not overcoming the challenges. Two, we can recognize that we are the ones in control of our lives, and we have the freewill to do what we want and be what we want and aim to get past the problem, even better to solve it. You've only got one life to live, so you might as well learn from the challenges, the blues we feel, and harness these feelings and put them into something creative. Make tomorrow today.

 

[SilkRoad]

I really don't have much to add (gosh, I say that too often). Because there have been loads of good comments already. But:

Take a bit more time for yourself to rest and do things you find refreshing and enjoyable.

Try to find a few people you can trust and discuss your feelings with...best if they are in your vicinity/have a physical presence in your life, but if not, something like this forum can be great too/as well

Recognize that there may have been a long buildup of stress in your life that is really affecting you negatively. I realised that this year. I think it had been years of various forms of stress, perhaps none of them huge in themselves but having a really bad cumulative effect. I was displaying many symptoms of a person under pretty intense stress, pretty much all the time. Although I am not an incredibly motivated person, too much of the time, I took action to make some positive changes in my life (new living space, new people in my life, the good old friends still in my life, more distance from potentially toxic people, etc...as well as a permanent job after three years of contracts and temping.) The payoff is - while things are never perfect - I genuinely feel better than I have in years. And it's great because I feel better in myself and am enjoying life more, and also feel I have more to offer others.

You seem like such a lovely genuine person with a lot to offer. Take care of yourself and everyone wins.

 

[mochajava]

Silkroad: Recognize that there may have been a long buildup of stress in your life that is really affecting you negatively. I realised that this year. I think it had been years of various forms of stress, perhaps none of them huge in themselves but having a really bad cumulative effect. I was displaying many symptoms of a person under pretty intense stress, pretty much all the time.

So glad to see you here, Silkroad! I relate so much to a lot of what you say... I wonder if there's a similar enneagram or shared experience or something beyond the shared MBTI type. I like what you said above. Last year lots of crazy things happened -- transitions, escaping from a toxic job into another environment that was incredibly hard for me, cutting off from my family, then starting graduate school. So my hair started to (literally) just fall off of my head. I'm not balding, but it was just really saddening/triggering to see the sheer amount that fell out during a shower. I went to the doctor to see if my thyroids were acting up or if I had some disease I didn't know about, and when she suggested stress, I thought, "well, my life and job are easy" completely oblivious to how the stress was stored up. What made you finally realize you had all this residual stress? I think I'm with you there... I did yoga, and felt so incredibly sad afterward... it was like something holding back the sadness was released. I think it's healthy and necessary to be in touch with what's actually going on within you (and that statement REALLY differs by type, I bet).

cafe: I don't know about you, but sometimes I can't even gauge my level of . . . I don't know what to call it . . . emotional distress? until I'm on the other side of it looking back.

Yes, exactly! Months later, I'll think, "that was so offensive!" but the conversation was months ago... so I can't say anything! And the people saying those sorts of things aren't going to be the ones who can relate to my delayed reactions / delayed emotional processing. Or like I was describing above, not realizing that stress might have caused the hair loss.

Okay - so I am on a long, slow road... I like this idea of not making life all about work, but about what you like / enjoy / feel refreshed from. Honestly, I know what those things USED to be for me, but I think I've been just getting through each day for so long that I'm slowly reminding myself of what those are. Is it okay to force yourself to do these things initially? These things might be... seeing a play. Going to an art museum. Calling up an old friend (even though social things are nervewracking for me until I actually DO them). Is it productive to force yourself into these types of healthy behaviors? It seems weird to force yourself to enjoy things -- is this ludicrous? Or has this worked to pull anyone else out of a rut? I think this is a 'rebuilding' phase for me.

Thanks again everyone!! This is really amazing and helpful for me. I've re-read this thread several times today; it's been a tremendous source of support.

 

[the state i am in]

the lightbox is interesting. how much do they cost?

i try to do yoga, things that feel cozy and help me slow down and dissolve a bit, music, film, takeout, cooking (and being focused on each step in the process), things that make me feel present, meditating if i were a better person than i am now, self-help, journalling, coffee conversations, usually being really selective about my social choices, anonymous spaces conducive for gently drawing me away from myself and feeling loosely and distantly and abstractly connected to others and thusly the world around me, a walk in an urban center usually helps me a lot, i start to like shake off a bit more with each step until i can slowly see the world a bit more again.

also, you should listen to the joanna newsom song this side of the blue off of milk-eyed mender. very infj. even the way that people seem so hard to reach when your eyes are covered with your own emotional fog. it's weird with Fe how it gets in our ears and makes it so that we can no longer hear. closing off the connection to the world to process what is inside of us, and then complaining about the world because we are toxic internally and unable to restore a more pristine hearing to recognize the music flowing again around and outside of us.

also, if you have any great enp friends, especially 7w6s, they help a lot. as an sx person, i need connection to help ground me. they just thaw me out, unlock me, deactivate some of the ticking time bombs, and i'm good to go. the problem may be so many things, but the problem we can control is trying to find our center.