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  1. #1
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    Default enfp intj marriage

    hello everyone.

    first ivy said i'm supposed to introduce myself.

    then the faq's said that i really shouldn't start a new thread if i could help it.

    i'm in the middle of an nf muddle/moment ...hahahahahaha ... um .. ok..on i go.

    so after close to 15 years of marriage i think it's impossible.

    in one of the earlier posts ... an intj said that intj's live on their islands and sometimes other people are invited in and sometimes not and only for a limited time.

    well i think that intj's live in a holodeck world (star trek the next generation fan here .... ) ... and they're so busy being inside it they never want to come out and play ( or play in someone else's holodeck). And they don't want to be interupted in theirs because unless they've made special provisions against interuptions the whole thing comes crashing down....

    ok enough ranting.... (although ofcourse i could do more)

    on the other hand ... an intj is wonderful to have around when i need to be by myself and yet have someone in the same house. He gives me tonnes of space to think/feel/be.

    but sometimes i have to wonder what the point of a relationship/marriage is.

    thanks. saffron.

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by saffron View Post
    intj's live on their islands and sometimes other people are invited in and sometimes not and only for a limited time.

    well i think that intj's live in a holodeck world (star trek the next generation fan here .... ) ... and they're so busy being inside it they never want to come out and play ( or play in someone else's holodeck). And they don't want to be interupted in theirs because unless they've made special provisions against interuptions the whole thing comes crashing down....

    ok enough ranting.... (although ofcourse i could do more)

    on the other hand ... an intj is wonderful to have around when i need to be by myself and yet have someone in the same house. He gives me tonnes of space to think/feel/be.

    but sometimes i have to wonder what the point of a relationship/marriage is.
    I was just talking about this point with another friend. Personally, I love INTJs, but their islandness and semi anti-social behavior was too much in terms of a love connection. I have dated a couple of INTJs and while the introversion was fine as well as the extra space...the lack of interest in my world ended the relationship. I am looking for someone who shares my interests and has a passion for living which I did not find in my INTJ men. I have my own money, home, job, interests.....so I didn't really see the point in basically having a relationship by myself. But other women that I know LOVE the fact that their INTJ husbands....just let them do whatever they want....but alone.

  3. #3
    Member lbloom's Avatar
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    @saffron: It might help if you told us what attracted you to him in the first place, and how that perception or your needs may have changed.

  4. #4
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    hello Ibloom; well the depth .. the honesty... the intelligence... the love of science fiction ... the substance (maybe that's depth)

    hm.... 15 years ago... long time...

    but also a warmth, a purity...a trustworthyness....

    he was like no-one i'd ever met before ...he captured my imagination.

    ok ... i'm logging off now ... thank you for listening.

    ps: armstrong .... so true is you ... (almost) having a relationship by myself and yet loving the space.......reality is wierd.

    oh and Ibloom.... maybe it's the extreme I of him versus the more moderate E of me, which as i'm getting older is probably going more towards a stronger E.

  5. #5
    Senior Member wedekit's Avatar
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    I just wanted to add an apology (as in defense) for my INTJ cousins.

    He has a difficult time understanding others feelings, which you have a much easier time doing because you are an F type. Specifically Fi, which is very intense. Express what you are feeling to him or he might never know. It would be a shame to let this unhappiness pile up inside you and cause you so much stress. He might appreciate your directness with the issue because it is "foreign land" to him. Of course, YOUR the professional on him since you have been with him for 15 years. You seem to understand him to a great extent, so maybe he needs some help understanding you and your needs.

    You guys have such a wonderful opportunity to "balance" each other's personalities out, and I would love to hear about how your relationship has changed you both.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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  6. #6
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    hello wedekit,

    well don't apologise for intj's because they're not all the same anyway ... different flavours ... as in intense dark chocolate all the way to milk or white....and there's nothing to apologize for ... they're not trying to be difficult ... (they just are ... sometimes ... to some people...)

    but we need them ... they're our doctors/scientists/thinkers etc...

    ok ...

    does he know how i feel? yes. i've told him but since he thinks feelings are not as important as facts/rules/logic/intelligence ... then not much will change. Once he's made up his mind - it's locked in.

    He subscribes to the popeye theory of personality development... "I yam what I yam etc."

    I do really, really hope that i do not come across as miserable since i'm more frustrated and angry with the stupidity of it all....and while i might come across as one of the more bitter nfp's ... i absolutely believe in laughing, happiness, joy and that things work out and everything happens for a purpose. (for example i have an advanced degree in nfp/ntj relationships)

    Ok, going back to him he is one of the most intelligent of all the intjs (only mildy joking here) .... and so walks around trying to figure out how to over-come gravity, building time-machines and who is going to win the world series .... (he's got very important things on his mind!!! and his job/career too)

    how has our relationship changed us both?????? wow. I'm not sure i can do this in the next 5 mins. we're both more mature. well obviously. well... me ... well ...i'm able to go into the types much more easily than i would have if he was an istj ... because of all that wonderful depth in him ... and i've become a lot more patient because again of that wonderful depth which makes him not realise that he's been tracking mud all over the floor while his wonderful J-overdose is complaining about why is there mud all over the floor.....

    I know that it's a serious question but i don't think i can answer better than that right now because so much of what i've learned has been because of the types and while he knows about the types - he's more impressed with other things....

    sorry, i'll have to let that go for now....

    thanks. saffron.

  7. #7
    Senior Member wedekit's Avatar
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    Hahaha! Sounds just like an IN_J. There's always something on our minds. =)

    It's too bad he doesn't look more into the MBTI. Theories like this would be right up his alley, and, at least in my case, the MBTI helped me grow as a person by allowing me to understand myself more. It sounds like he is submerged in his introverted intuition a lot while you would prefer him to use his extroverted thinking more, since he'd actually be interacting with YOU instead of cooped up in his head.

    He sounds like he is one of those T's that needs to learn that Feeling and Thinking are equally valid when it comes to reasoning. Your rationale comes from a lifetime experience with people and cultural assumptions while his comes from hard logic which ignores people. Since your a Star Trek fan, I want to share with you a good example of this division:

    When Dr. McCoy, Spock, and the others crash-landed on a primitive planet, McCoy is horrified to find that Spock is willing to leave the dead behind unburied. Spock has reasoned that survival of the group is a more "logical" aim than an unnecessary ritual service. McCoy has reasoned from a different perspective. He believes that Spock will forfeit the group's cooperation, even in the interest of their own survival, if he does not show the proper respect for human life conveyed by the ritual. Both of them are approaching the situation rationally; but one is focused on the impersonal criteria of logic, the other on the personal criteria of values.

    To summarize the conflict of Thinking and Feeling: McCoy reminds Spock that "life and death are seldom issues of logic". "Perhaps," Spock acknowledges, "but attaining a goal always is."

    Isn't it crazy how divided people can be in our reasoning? Being a fellow F I would never even consider not burying the dead, but both of my T brothers would argue all night with me on that one!

    And to tracking mud on the floor, I do stuff like that all the time that it's not even funny. I'm also not innocent when it comes to assuming someone else tracked it when it was in fact me.

    Good luck and welcome to the forums!
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
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  8. #8
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    hello wedekit;

    Thank God for Spock... got to love him.... and McCoy too....

    so yes, that's us... Spock/McCoy.... and the beat goes on....

    thanks for the welcome.

    saffron. (ofcourse we'd bury the dead!!!! properly...with flowers)

  9. #9
    Senior Member INTJMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by saffron View Post
    hello everyone.

    first ivy said i'm supposed to introduce myself.

    then the faq's said that i really shouldn't start a new thread if i could help it.

    i'm in the middle of an nf muddle/moment ...hahahahahaha ... um .. ok..on i go.

    so after close to 15 years of marriage i think it's impossible.

    in one of the earlier posts ... an intj said that intj's live on their islands and sometimes other people are invited in and sometimes not and only for a limited time.

    well i think that intj's live in a holodeck world (star trek the next generation fan here .... ) ... and they're so busy being inside it they never want to come out and play ( or play in someone else's holodeck). And they don't want to be interupted in theirs because unless they've made special provisions against interuptions the whole thing comes crashing down....

    ok enough ranting.... (although ofcourse i could do more)

    on the other hand ... an intj is wonderful to have around when i need to be by myself and yet have someone in the same house. He gives me tonnes of space to think/feel/be.

    but sometimes i have to wonder what the point of a relationship/marriage is.

    thanks. saffron.
    Welcome to the forum.
    One thing I have learned from 25 years of marriage, some of which was difficult, is that no one human being is able to fulfill all the happiness needs of another human being. In other words, it's not your husband's job to make you happy. It's your job to make you happy. Once I learned this, my attitude changed and I was able to take responsibility for my own happiness.

    I am an INTJ so my emotional needs are different than yours, but I have heard other women say that the reason they have girlfriends to talk to is because their husbands don't fulfill their emotional needs.

    I have another friend who says If her husband makes her happy, it's like frosting on the cake. He's not responsible for the whole cake.

    This is not to say that you should live separate lives. What I am talking about is mostly about expectations. Unspoken expectations are unfair and can destroy the satisfaction in a relationship.

    I am certain your husband is unaware of your unmet emotional needs. If you will tell him what you need, or even if you attend some marriage classes together, I'm sure he'll be willing to meet your needs, if he is told precisely how to do it. Just be careful not to demand too much all at once or he'll be too overwhelmed.

    For instance, you might tell him that you'd like to start a new thing of going out on a date once a week, or whatever you would like. Then he might say that he could manage once every other week. It would be my advice to decide on something you both can accept.

    If he doesn't like to plan where to go and what to do, but you do, then maybe you can come up with the ideas. INTJs don't like surprises so he'd want to know ahead of time.

    A healthy marriage is like a healthy plant. It doesn't get that way by being neglected. It needs the proper attention in order for it to grow and mature.

  10. #10
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    hello INTJmom....

    well ... if anything i'm rethinking my original post because at that time it was about intj/enfp not really being the most comfortable relationship from the enfp perspective.

    but it's not really about types as much as it's about 2 people who happen to be 2 different types.

    he's the first intj that i've known well .... so ... ofcourse i jumped to conclusions.

    so ... now on to your post.

    thanks very much for the welcome.

    no ... no-one can make another person happy ... (and luckily for me I am a happy person - i think it's called a base-line or something/ a set point...Tigger from winnie the pooh best describes me ... whoo hoo hoo ....)

    yes, unspoken expectations are deadly, especially when they're assumed but not discussed.... surprize, surprize ... I really don't want to spend a winter in antartica to study the mating habits of penguins - ha, who'd have thunk it....

    well, i guess, assumptions are deadly too....

    yes, i like that ... marriages/relationships are like plants ... so very true ... beginning with a healthy plant/not healthy plant, genetics, soil, microbes, too much watering, not enough watering, too much sun, not enough light, bugs, rabbits, deer.... the neighbours dog peeing on them ..... ok... now i stop but that was fun.... thanks for that.... oh ofcourse .... manure too.....

    one of the great things about this marriage is that i've learned to speak/ask/analyze/see things from a different perspective/and make myself understood by vulcans..... and i've read some really great books ... (John Gottman, David Schnarch "passionate marriage", Harriet Lerner - family systems, even caroline myss' 'sacred archetypes') and from everything i've learned something very useful....but the most useful thing i think is that you've got to respect people's boundaries and 'no means no'.

    ok ... maybe that's it... goodnight.

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