[ENFJ] How to spot an ENFJ a mile off

[Ivy]

I never asked you to be civil, in fact, I think it's insulting to lie and act nice. Perhaps some of us like to be insulted - I do.

You can find another forum to seek that out. It's not the purpose of this one.

 

[FC3S]

You can find another forum to seek that out. It's not the purpose of this one.

Oh, I've already found other forums. Just the same, the amount of pretentious and condescending (that's the word I'm looking for) individuals on this forum - playing passive aggressive - is why you are a hypocrite.

 

[FC3S]

First of all, I'm not "acting" anything.

Second, insulting people isn't more "real" than being nice.

Congratulations, you're finally catching on.

 

[Scott N Denver]

It's not fun to be around exploding Fe doms nor the intense moody vibe of an Fi dom. Both can be really scary!

Having been around both sides of that one, definitely! I can't speak for other INFP's about this per se, but personally, I try to keep my moods more to myself and not ?foist? them upon the world. Let's see if I can explain that better. I'm in many ways very self-contained, so whatever mood I am in, I am experiencing it, but I have no need to emanate that mood to others or make them feel it to. I can keep it in my own little bubble. Others will see that bubble, but they are not forced to participate in it. I don't know if ENFJ's are trying to emanate their moods to others per se, I would guess not, but between being "lets put things out there" [E] and "this is how this is" [J], I think its hard for them NOT to put it all out there in a way that affects others. It's like a light bulb thats on but is usually off, you can't not see it. EJ directiveness, even when you don't necessarily want it.

 

[A Schnitzel]

Oh, I've already found other forums. Just the same, the amount of pretentious and condescending (that's the word I'm looking for) individuals on this forum - playing passive aggressive - is why you are a hypocrite.

Did you just call a moderator a hypocrite for telling you what the purpose of the forum isn't? Most people at least pretend to care what the moderators think, or at least attempt coherance.

 

[proteanmix]

Having been around both sides of that one, definitely! I can't speak for other INFP's about this per se, but personally, I try to keep my moods more to myself and not ?foist? them upon the world. Let's see if I can explain that better. I'm in many ways very self-contained, so whatever mood I am in, I am experiencing it, but I have no need to emanate that mood to others or make them feel it to. I can keep it in my own little bubble. Others will see that bubble, but they are not forced to participate in it. I don't know if ENFJ's are trying to emanate their moods to others per se, I would guess not, but between being "lets put things out there" [E] and "this is how this is" [J], I think its hard for them NOT to put it all out there in a way that affects others. It's like a light bulb thats on but is usually off, you can't not see it. EJ directiveness, even when you don't necessarily want it.

And at this point I must step into the thread.

You may think you're keeping it to yourself but believe me, maybe it's because I'm a F-dom myself, but with Fi-doms they're feelings just emanate from them in pulsing waves without saying a word. When it's a good mood, it's a silent cheery buoyancy like a fragrant flower in the room contributing to the overall pleasantness and well-being of the atmosphere. When it's bad it's this inexplicable draining energy. It's like having rotting food somewhere that you can smell but you can't find where it is. When a Fe-dom rages and spews it's hard to ignore because we won't let you ignore it. I can agree with that and that's bad enough within its own right. With IxFPs, it's some toxic green fumes coming through the ventilation system or something crazy like that and you find people lying dead on the floor with a Fi-dom standing over them saying "Did I do that??" It's Legionnaires disease, I swear it!

 

[Scott N Denver]

And at this point I must step into the thread.

You may think you're keeping it to yourself but believe me, maybe it's because I'm a F-dom myself, but with Fi-doms they're feelings just emanate from them in pulsing waves without saying a word. When it's a good mood, it's a silent cheery buoyancy like a fragrant flower in the room contributing to the overall pleasantness and well-being of the atmosphere. When it's bad it's this inexplicable draining energy. It's like having rotting food somewhere that you can smell but you can't find where it is. When a Fe-dom rages and spews it's hard to ignore because we won't let you ignore it. I can agree with that and that's bad enough within its own right. With IxFPs, it's some toxic green fumes coming through the ventilation system or something crazy like that and you find people lying dead on the floor with a Fi-dom standing over them saying "Did I do that??" It's Legionnaires disease, I swear it!

I have to say that I have never experienced that. I work with lots of NT's and TJ's, not exactly people that seem to notice or care about others emotional states or feelings. In fact, I'm not sure I can recall ever seeing or participating in ANY displays of emotions or feelings while at work. Ok, I just thought of one counterexample, but ONLY one.

Since I was reading on a different thread, you work as support for a R+D group, is that correct? Can you tell me anything about what this group does? I'm about the only F on the technical side, but a lot of our support people are S's and F's. A couple of ISFPs, an ENFJ, I'm guessing an ISFJ, and then a bunch of STJ's.

 

[proteanmix]

I have to say that I have never experienced that. I work with lots of NT's and TJ's, not exactly people that seem to notice or care about others emotional states or feelings. In fact, I'm not sure I can recall ever seeing or participating in ANY displays of emotions or feelings while at work. Ok, I just thought of one counterexample, but ONLY one.

That's the key phrase right there, they don't notice it. That doesn't mean it's not happening though it may or may not be. Since you're in an environment that's not as sensitive to emotions unless they're extreme displays. I lived with several INFPs in college as roommates and have several IxFP coworkers. I don't find that they hide anything well, it's just quieter and if you're not looking or observant towards those things then yes, it goes unnoticed.

Since I was reading on a different thread, you work as support for a R+D group, is that correct? Can you tell me anything about what this group does? I'm about the only F on the technical side, but a lot of our support people are S's and F's. A couple of ISFPs, an ENFJ, I'm guessing an ISFJ, and then a bunch of STJ's.

I'm not in R&D...I work at a mental health organization so our research tends to be more physiological, neurological and psychological than other hard sciences. But I'll answer what I can if you ask.

 

[Scott N Denver]

That's the key phrase right there, they don't notice it. That doesn't mean it's not happening though it may or may not be. Since you're in an environment that's not as sensitive to emotions unless they're extreme displays. I lived with several INFPs in college as roommates and have several IxFP coworkers. I don't find that they hide anything well, it's just quieter and if you're not looking or observant towards those things then yes, it goes unnoticed.

Ok. I guess all I can say that is that with maybe an exception or two, I'm trying to remember but don't recall in enough detail, no one has ever mentioned this to me. I have been looked at a lot and told by people that I am too passive and the like, which to me seems sorta the opposite of controlling the collective emotional atmosphere.

I'm not in R&D...I work at a mental health organization so our research tends to be more physiological, neurological and psychological than other hard sciences. But I'll answer what I can if you ask.

Sorry, I saw "research" and made the jump to "R+D". For technical science and engineering stuff R=> R+D, but not all R need imply R+D. Sorry for the slip up.

 

[poppy]

eruptions of strange noises, flailing limbs

I know someone I suspect is an ENFJ who does exactly that. I was worried for a while, but now I can rest assured that she is a happy healthy ENFJ

 

[Scott N Denver]

And at this point I must step into the thread.

You may think you're keeping it to yourself but believe me, maybe it's because I'm a F-dom myself, but with Fi-doms they're feelings just emanate from them in pulsing waves without saying a word. When it's a good mood, it's a silent cheery buoyancy like a fragrant flower in the room contributing to the overall pleasantness and well-being of the atmosphere. When it's bad it's this inexplicable draining energy. It's like having rotting food somewhere that you can smell but you can't find where it is. When a Fe-dom rages and spews it's hard to ignore because we won't let you ignore it. I can agree with that and that's bad enough within its own right. With IxFPs, it's some toxic green fumes coming through the ventilation system or something crazy like that and you find people lying dead on the floor with a Fi-dom standing over them saying "Did I do that??" It's Legionnaires disease, I swear it!

This thread may shed some light
http://www.typologycentral.com/foru...lity-matrices/17963-fi-its-affect-others.html

Maybe its more of a E or ES thing??? Your above does say I_FP and Fi dom's though. I wonder if such problems are more common when dealing with SFJ's??? Fe doms??? SF's???

 

[Glycerine]

Having been around both sides of that one, definitely! I can't speak for other INFP's about this per se, but personally, I try to keep my moods more to myself and not ?foist? them upon the world. Let's see if I can explain that better. I'm in many ways very self-contained, so whatever mood I am in, I am experiencing it, but I have no need to emanate that mood to others or make them feel it to. I can keep it in my own little bubble. Others will see that bubble, but they are not forced to participate in it. I don't know if ENFJ's are trying to emanate their moods to others per se, I would guess not, but between being "lets put things out there" [E] and "this is how this is" [J], I think its hard for them NOT to put it all out there in a way that affects others. It's like a light bulb thats on but is usually off, you can't not see it. EJ directiveness, even when you don't necessarily want it.

I can usually tell when an Fi dom is mad (even as a little kid) They don't even have to say a word or do anything outwardly. It's a just a really strong vibe. In a sense, IXFP feelings are self- contained but I can almost always detect a strong mood. Fe-doms can be explosive outwardly but Fi doms can be just as moody inwardly.

Here's a typical conversation:

*some strong negative vibe*
Me: Are are upset about something?
INFP: No.
Me: Ok.
*the vibe is still there"
Me: Are you sure?
INFP: Yes.
(an hour later) INFP: You know earlier, I think I was mad about....

This has happened numerous times.

Don't get me wrong, Fi doms are usually my favorite type IRL.

But then it's probably going to be more of an individual thing There are INFPs that are much more relaxed than me and there are INFPs that are much more intense than me. One of the most relaxed people I know is INFP and one of the moodiest people I know is INFP. Even as a possible ENFJ, I rarely get mad and explode on people.

 

[CzeCze]

And at this point I must step into the thread.

You may think you're keeping it to yourself but believe me, maybe it's because I'm a F-dom myself, but with Fi-doms they're feelings just emanate from them in pulsing waves without saying a word. When it's a good mood, it's a silent cheery buoyancy like a fragrant flower in the room contributing to the overall pleasantness and well-being of the atmosphere. When it's bad it's this inexplicable draining energy. It's like having rotting food somewhere that you can smell but you can't find where it is. When a Fe-dom rages and spews it's hard to ignore because we won't let you ignore it. I can agree with that and that's bad enough within its own right. With IxFPs, it's some toxic green fumes coming through the ventilation system or something crazy like that and you find people lying dead on the floor with a Fi-dom standing over them saying "Did I do that??" It's Legionnaires disease, I swear it!

You know, maybe it's because a lot of my INFP personal experience has been in intimate relationships (people I was dating) but I like your analogies. It can be really tiresome to deal with an Fi - dom who is angry or in a bad mood but keeps denying it.

And it' s probably true, I think for a strong feeler and especially another Fi-dom those moods (good and bad) really get telegraphed loudly.

I don't think it's just a Fi-dom thing, but it is so frustrating to deal with people who have a problem with soemthing who get hung up on definitions so you never get to the actual root of the problem to address it. I think that might be inferior Te kicking in?

Like "I'm not upset I just didn't like it when you bailed on me last minute and made me late".

 

[linden clark]

[/QUOTE]

Miscellaneous ENFJ stuff: random sexual innuendos that are quickly backed out of, moments of hubris and megalomania, lots of unnecessary verbalization of circular thought processes (but don't you dare mock one for this!), eruptions of strange noises, flailing limbs, invasive questions, occasional belligerence followed by a spate of apologies, dramatics and/or theatrics for your viewing pleasure (Are You Not Entertained?), and some other stuff I can't think of right now.

And for Chrissakes: DO NOT EVER TELL AN ENFJ TO CALM DOWN!! I've rent people asunder over this.

P.S. Lots of exaggeration and hyperbole.

[/QUOTE]

This is me.... love it or hate it!


"I love you so much, it hurts my heart."
"There?"
"No, here, right by my nipple."

 

[OrangeAppled]

This is an interesting thread.....

Some noted patterns in ENFJs I know IRL:

- Uncanny ability to discuss personal topics without revealing a lot of personal info about themselves.

- Exude warmth, friendliness, charm. Compliment people a lot. Like to point out positives. Take a genuine interest in other people and their lives.

- Most of the male ENFJs have this nonchalant, faux-caddish attitude. It's like they pretend to be arrogant, but with a wink so that it's almost self-deprecating instead. I'm not sure how to explain it....it's terribly charming though

- State opinions very confidently at times without caring if it contradicts the majority, sometimes taking delight in ruffling feathers. Other times adapt their views to those around them in a diplomatic way. Can seem to "back track" because of it. Seem to seek a "consensus" at those times.

- Future-focused. Love to discuss "what-ifs" and think of ways to better things, especially people and quality of life.

I know an ENFJ-ESFJ couple, and we had a conversation once that illustrated a difference between the two types. The ENFJ mentioned these plans for a park the city once had, which were abandoned due to costs; he was very excited about this. He got that NF far off look in the eye when discussing it and how nice it would be; but then his ESFJ wife got very irritated and kept reminding him that plan was abandoned because it was impractical. The ENFJ then got annoyed at her for dismissing this great idea, and kept insisting that if they only wrote the city, then maybe they could come up with a way to make it happen after all. It was clear this was an issue they were not going to see eye to eye on...one was practical-minded and focused on what is possible now, and the other had his mind in the future and refused to give up on a good possibility, just feeling it needed to be tweaked a little. I admit, I was on his side

- Like abstract, imaginative things; lean toward the arts and spiritual interests... typical NF stuff.

- Seek out, create, maintain, and organize social connections above almost anything else. They make friends, or friendly connections, rather easily. They don't see themselves as social butterflies though, because they have high standards for friends - so anything less than "deep" is not seen as anything extraordinary. From my perspective though, it is interesting how easily they get a response from people and how well they adapt to the other person to do so.

- Most of the ones I know are not ambitious in the way the "typical" J is. The dreamer/idealistic/perfectionist aspect of being an NF can get in the way, or their ambitions are so much in the interpersonal realm that practical goals get put on the back burner.

- Like to be inspirational, influential, etc. Will do things to "nudge people in the right direction" as one of my ENFJ friends put it.

- Brood when alone a lot. Too much reflection can make them negative and really depressed.

- Seem to have a conflict of wanting to lead, fit in, be important and also to stay unique.

- Fit this so well it's almost comical:

TRADEMARK: "The first shall be last"This refers to the open-door policy of ENFJs. One ENFJ colleague always welcomes me into his office regardless of his own circumstances. If another person comes to the door, he allows them to interrupt our conversation with their need. While discussing that need, the phone rings and he stops to answer it. Others drop in with a 'quick question.' I finally get up, go to my office and use the call waiting feature on the telephone. When he hangs up, I have his undivided attention!

I notice the person or issue closest to the ENFJ's heart can be put to the bottom of the pile until it can be given their undivided attention. Most of the time, this makes sense, but occasionally it can be confusing.

What are the characteristics of an ENFJ in public?
Moving from person to person, focusing intently on each for a period, then their head moves to the next person and off they go. The shy ones will be more reticent, but I always sense an anxiousness to not stay in one place too long, mentally, even if not physically. The eyes always look far off, they're not fully engaged in the present even though they seem wrapped up in it from first glance.

How would an ENFJ personals ad typically read?
Well, on social networking sites, they often have little personal info, but a lot of interests and opinions listed. In a contradiction of that they'll sometimes have a blog entry that is very personal in nature, or they'll post rather emotionally dramatic statements for their statuses (but often vague again). Many of the ones I know like to write, so blogs are a big thing for them.

Where do ENFJs like to hang out?
I've met most through church, but they also seem to like things in the realm of poetry/literature, music, travel, etc. Like I said above, the arts, culture, spirituality. Most of the guys I know like to follow soccer/football, but don't actually play it.

How might one break the ice with an ENFJ?
IDK....they always talk to me first. I get the impression they want to initiate and aren't as receptive to people approaching them, but I actually have more experience with male ENFJs. It feels like they have some time table or order of things, and they'll get to you when they're ready....Once there's a relationship established they seem to appreciate initiative though.

 

[Poki]

ENFJs tend to be pretty blendable. Unless you're looking for a Jesus Christ Superstar ENFJ that's shining and glistening everywhere I don't think you'd immediately recognize one.

When I read threads like MBTI superlatives and which type is more likely to do whatever, I notice a lack of ENFJ descriptors. I'm guessing that one of the reasons this must be is because people simply don't know how to recognize an average ENFJ. I suspect two women at my job are ENFJs and half the reason why I'm leaning towards ENFJ is because they are so absolutely blendable. I'm not getting a firm read which also contributes to my suspicion. I don't work closely with them enough to know for sure. I know they're EFJs but they don't feel ESFJ to me so that leaves me with ENFJ. No they're not leading a crusade or canvassing for members for their newly formed religious cult. Speaking for myself, I can't stress how much I tend to blend into the groups I'm with. I think I've written about this before, but I'll repeat it again. It's not a conforming blend, it's more a camouflage blend that's more versatile than an ESFJ blend.

Another way to spot an ENFJ is to get a group together and see who rises to the top. I'm the leader of a film group and I know I'm on my A-game when I'm with my members. An ESFJ and ENFJ would start organizing the people fairly quickly, but I don't think an ESFJ would be as comfortable in a prime leadership position as an ENFJ. I unfortunately think I should always be in charge of groups because it's my rightful place in the universe and I'm SOOO magnanimous.

Miscellaneous ENFJ stuff: random sexual innuendos that are quickly backed out of, moments of hubris and megalomania, lots of unnecessary verbalization of circular thought processes (but don't you dare mock one for this!), eruptions of strange noises, flailing limbs, invasive questions, occasional belligerence followed by a spate of apologies, dramatics and/or theatrics for your viewing pleasure (Are You Not Entertained?), and some other stuff I can't think of right now.

And for Chrissakes: DO NOT EVER TELL AN ENFJ TO CALM DOWN!! I've rent people asunder over this.

P.S. Lots of exaggeration and hyperbole.

And yeah, this mostly pertains to me. I'll let other ENFJs do what they do and speak for themselves.

And will participate in a belching contest with no worries of not being lady like:yim_rolling_on_the_ In fact probably initiated it.

 

[Glycerine]

This is an interesting thread.....

Some noted patterns in ENFJs I know IRL:

- Uncanny ability to discuss personal topics without revealing a lot of personal info about themselves.

- Exude warmth, friendliness, charm. Compliment people a lot. Like to point out positives. Take a genuine interest in other people and their lives.

- Most of the male ENFJs have this nonchalant, faux-caddish attitude. It's like they pretend to be arrogant, but with a wink so that it's almost self-deprecating instead. I'm not sure how to explain it....it's terribly charming though

- State opinions very confidently at times without caring if it contradicts the majority, sometimes taking delight in ruffling feathers. Other times adapt their views to those around them in a diplomatic way. Can seem to "back track" because of it. Seem to seek a "consensus" at those times.

- Future-focused. Love to discuss "what-ifs" and think of ways to better things, especially people and quality of life.

I know an ENFJ-ESFJ couple, and we had a conversation once that illustrated a difference between the two types. The ENFJ mentioned the plans for a park the city once had that they abandoned due to costs; he was very excited about this. He got that NF far off look in the eye when discussing it and how nice it would be, and then his ESFJ wife got very irritated and kept reminding the him how plan was abandoned because it was impractical. The ENFJ then got annoyed at her for dismissing this great idea, and kept insisting if they only wrote the city, then maybe they could come up with a way to make it happen after all. It was clear that was an issue they were not going to see eye to eye on...one was practical focused on what could actually be possible now, and the other had his mind in the future and refused to give up on a good possibility, just feeling it needed to be tweaked a little. I admit, I was on his side

- Like abstract, imaginative things; lean toward the arts and spiritual interests... typical NF stuff.

- Seek out, create, maintain, and organize social connections above almost anything else. They make friends, or friendly connections, rather easily. They don't see themselves as social butterflies though, because they have high standards for friends - so anything less than "deep" is not seen as anything extraordinary. From my perspective though, it is interesting how easily they get a response from people and how well they adapt to the other person to do so.

- Most of the ones I know are not ambitious in the way the "typical" J is. The dreamer/idealistic/perfectionist aspect of being an NF can get in the way, or their ambitions are so much in the interpersonal realm that practical goals get put on the back burner.

- Like to be inspirational, influential, etc. Will do things to "nudge people in the right direction" as one of my ENFJ friends put it.

- Brood when alone a lot. Too much reflection can make them negative and really depressed.

- Seem to have a conflict of wanting to lead, fit in, be important and also to stay unique.

- Fit this so well it's almost comical:



I notice the person or issue closest to the ENFJ's heart can be put to the bottom of the pile until it can be given their undivided attention. Most of the time, this makes sense, but occasionally it can be confusing.

What are the characteristics of an ENFJ in public?
Moving from person to person, focusing intently on each for a period, then their head moves to the next person and off they go. The shy ones will be more reticent, but I always sense an anxiousness to not stay in one place too long, mentally, even if not physically. The eyes always look far off, they're not fully engaged in the present even though they seem wrapped up in it from first glance.

How would an ENFJ personals ad typically read?
Well, on social networking sites, they often have little personal info, but a lot of interests and opinions listed. In a contradiction of that they'll sometimes have a blog entry that is very personal in nature, or they'll post rather emotionally dramatic statements for their statuses (but often vague again). Many of the ones I know like to write, so blogs are a big thing for them.

Where do ENFJs like to hang out?
I've met most through church, but they also seem to like things in the realm of poetry/literature, music, travel, etc. Like I said above, the arts, culture, spirituality. Most of the guys I know like to follow soccer/football, but don't actually play it.

How might one break the ice with an ENFJ?
IDK....they always talk to me first. I get the impression they want to initiate and aren't as receptive to people approaching them, but I actually have more experience with male ENFJs. It feels like they have some time table or order of things, and they'll get to you when they're ready....Once there's a relationship established they seem to appreciate initiative though.

WOW, thats so insanely accurate pertaining to the ENFJ male I know.... it's spooky. Much of it also describes me.

 

[proteanmix]

Ewww. I look at my old post and want to throw up a little. How we change over the years!

 

[syndatha]

Ewww. I look at my old post and want to throw up a little. How we change over the years!

And I just loved your old post

 

[Domino]

The men seem to radiate either a confidence that you feel you could never hope to unseat, or a strange low level smiling aggression that can be both sexy and unnerving.

Are the women perceived the same way?