New to the forum, but I've started reading some days ago ^_^
I'm an INFJ in need of some insight and clarification about something I'm going through.
I'm not able to fully classify actions/behaviors thru the 4 letters yet, and I think I'm in need to do this, cos I want to understand what's happening to me.
I feel I'm sliding into another type, to cope with the situation I'm in.
I want to know which one... not knowing is making feel kinda stranded.
I'm a girl and I'm at my first relationship with another girl.
We met three years ago, in an online game.
She lives in another country, 10 hours of flight far from mine... but last year we met and spent a weekend together. Things went great so we decided to give this relationship a serious try: I planned to spend 3 months at her.
I arrived here in August and I'm going to live in early December.
She lives with her parents, after a failed, abusive marriage she was in.
We dreamt a lot, together, about this.
We used to spend hours in imagining all the things we could in these 3 months.
Watching movies or our fave TV shows together, cuddling on the sofa, cooking our fave dishes for each other, etc etc.
I couldn't wait to come here and have all of this.
I arrived and things didn't turn out as I expected.
She wasn't so affectionate to me as she was online, to the point to make me feel neglected.
To this I reacted in the worst way: I started to give affection, loads... sort of try to compensate what I wasn't getting.
So the less I was getting, the more I was giving... and of course she wasn't responsive to my tries.
I started to be demanding, clingy, needy, controlling.
This is an aspect of my personality I NEVER experienced before.
As INFJ I'm alergic to control... so what happened?
Is this my F gone wild? Or which other letter messed up so much with me?
I was watching myself not understanding what I was doing, sort of: this is not me.
I think she's INFJ too... but I'm not sure.
(She seems more ISTJ to me now... maybe she's shifting too x_x)
I know for sure that she caves.
She was dwelling in her cave when I was doing that... and it was poisonous to her.
As INFJ, I have an understanding of cave time... I go in that mode a lot, and I know how it feels to be pressured to go outside by needy friends.. I know how it makes me feel bad and how I do NOT need that, cos it makes me feel guilty and it actually slows down the process of exiting it.
So here it's my second question: how can it be, that being so understanding of cave time, when I see it in her... I don't recognize it and I feel abandoned, left out?
Is this cos I'm involved and I'm having an attached vision of it?
Is this again my F?
She tried to talk to me and said that I was being too much affectionate for her, that she's not used to that, that she spent most of her marriage feeling neglected and in isolation and just can't take so many hugs and cuddles in a day.
She asked to slow down and to build up affection...
I understood this rationally, but I just couldn't stop.
I guess I was eaten up by my anxiety and feelings of being abandoned.
I was in some serious pain, cos we weren't doing things together... in our daily life and not anymore online.
You have to keep in mind that for all the last year most of my time online was spent with her.
This feeling of being so close to her, yet so far... to live under the same roof, even in the same room, yet being on two different PCs, doing separate things, was driving me mad.
There were lots of days where I used to run to bathroom and cry - trying to hide my pain from her.
I didn't hide too well, since she noticed I was in pain and felt horribly guilty.
I kept pressuring about spending more time together and I took her to the breaking point.
She wrote me a letter where she said that though loving me a lot, she wasn't in love.
That she couldn't feel the spark anymore... and that she couldn't understand why.
And also that she was feeling horribly cos I was in pain.
Then she added that she felt pressured a LOT... that she was caving but she felt pressured to go out and this was affecting us negatively.
This sorta worked as a (hurtful) waking call for me.
I realized the damage I was doing, and that I was smothering her...to the point that she was doubting her feelings for me.
So I asked not to break up, that we had 2 more months to spend under the same roof... and to give us time.
And I started to change.
I backed off completely.
I immediately stopped the random hugs and kisses and physical touch (holding her hand, caressing her shoulder etc).
I tried to forget my expectations.
This was very hard and there's still times where I think of what I dreamt to have, what I was supposed to have... and it's hurtful.
But I'm slowly accepting things as they are. Not as I planned them to be.
So I need to live in the moment.
To deal with one thing at time.
To plan as things go.
To not plan at all.
To be super understanding and to accept whatever way she wants to spend her time.
I needed to stop taking things personally.
I started to respect her caving, her need to be separate from me online or in the daily life.
I stopped asking things.
I started to occupy my time differently.
I stopped being dependant.
Then I slowly moved to find some kind of balance in this:
I started to ask again - but at the same time accepting a no.
I stopped guilting her.
I found a moment of the day that she could accept as 'cuddles'.
When she goes to bed, I go there and I rub her shoulders.. or I caress her head till when she falls asleep.
I asked if this was ok for her to handle - she's fine with it and enjoys it.
It's now an established routine.
I'm not pressuring to have more - and to have an actual romantic moment, like a kiss.
I'm listening her a lot and I'm understanding, even if she needs to talk about stuff that hurts me.
Things are now better for both of us, cos this way is less painful for me - though it demands a huge, constant work on myself - which I'm willing to do cos I see hope.
And she started to be much more responsive, to spend more time with me and even to try some first steps (like..walking to me and hugging me etc)
So my big question is... what am I becoming? o.O
I'm holding back all of my needs.
I'm forcing myself to understanding and acceptance. (T?)
I'm forcing myself to constantly adapt to the scenario she places me in. (P?)
My guess is that I'm moving to INTP.
I also would like to know if this is common.
Cos I feel I'm acting as a chamaleon... has this happened to some of you?
Shifting to another type in order to deal with a difficult situation?
Is this change something "in surface" only?
Please let me know your thoughts