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[ENFJ] Are ENFJs Kissable?

Firelie

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I don't know about ENFJs in general, but mine's certainly kissable.
 

TopherRed

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"More shields!!" *flings self to left with everyone else on the bridge*
 

skylights

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hah. more like what do i not like about ENFJs :doh:

it's like they're a reflection of myself... we're on the same page, but at opposite ends of the spectrum. which is simultaneously really attractive and kind of maddening.

so... i love the ENFJ outward confidence and warmth. i love that when they're passionate about something, they're very dedicated to it, and that they're serious about commitments. i love that they're always watching out for people and that they always have an endgoal in mind - they like fun, too, but don't lose sight of their longterm goals because of it.

i love that they can walk in a room and command everyone's attention, and that they're such effective leaders - that they can run a tight ship and still take care of people. i love their "silly switch" and that their sense of humor is similar to mine. i love that they usually love kids, but are still good at directing them, and how they don't take shit from people but people always seem to like them anyway. i love how they'll take someone under their wing and help them - oftentimes a lot of someones! i love how they can be so social but still be really into nerdy theoretical things, and i love that they're genuinely interested when i talk about random ideas like string theory and taoist scripture. i love that they're concerned with meaning too, and aren't as interested in the "bottom line", but are still practical and don't sacrifice reality for pipe dreams - they make reality work for them.

i think it's intriguing that they throw up a barrier even though they're such people-persons, and it makes me want to get to know them even more. i find it intriguing that they won't quickly spill their deepest thoughts to me, like a lot of people tend to do. it's both sweet and respectable how they try to conceal all their worries from the world, and it's humbling to learn how someone who makes everything look so damn easy can carry so much complex anxiety in a hidden place.

also, try an ENFP-ENFJ tag team sometime. there's pretty much nothing you can't do together.

except basic math. :yes:

Fuzzcrossed said:
On the other hand, with INFPs, I find I often can't win...they care about/for themselves very well, but I think they find it difficult to care for others. Same with ENFPs to some magnitude; I've got one friend who calls me up only when she has a problem.

what i suspect you're perceiving as not interested in you is the NFP tendency to not want to infringe upon other people. NFJs are quicker to insert themselves in others' lives, to direct them and to begin interactions with them. NFPs are very interested in people and, usually, we really, really care about others, but we also find the Fe way of interacting to be somewhat off-putting, because it seems like it might be interfering - it might get in the other person's way. your NFP friend might not call you up because she doesn't want to inconvenience you, and will only call when she feels like it's very important - and she probably assumes that you will do the same. it's not about self-absorption at all, even though i understand how it can come off that way. the way i see it is wanting to let you decide if you'd like to contact me, instead of bugging you with phone calls all the time, you know?

OrangeAppled said:
The other issue is, I know some ENFJs who refuse to open up & keep deflecting the conversation away from them; what's a person supposed to do then?

this too. it usually takes a LOT of work to get through an NFJ shell. if you keep your defensive walls so strong and push others away, how can you chide someone else for not seeming interested in you? it's especially hard for Fi types, because we need to know who you are inside to be able to take care of you in the way that we best can. we can try Fe, but we're kind of bad at it. we'll do much better if you'll open up a little.
 

TopherRed

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Thank you Sky, I miss my friend, and I didn't want to intrude on her life either, but I was starting to wonder if it was appropriate to call her once and awhile for "non-crisis" items.
 

skylights

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^ yes!! i think i should probably mention too that Fi users tend to be kind of bad at FePi understanding of how/when to approach someone and engage them, you know? like when my mom (ESFJ) or best friend (ENFJ) contact me or do things for me, they're usually really great at knowing how to treat me and how to be a positive force. especially my friend, which i suspect is a combination of Ni and just being a peer. but for me, i always struggle with wondering if i've called too much, or if maybe the other person will be busy, or not really having something to talk about, or any other host of little worries that make me think it might be better for both of us to just let them decide when they'd like to call me! and that's with people i know very well. it's even harder with people i'm not as close too. but i do try to keep consistent contact to show that i care. i have another ENFP friend who drops off the face of the planet sometimes and it's kind of hurtful. i see how that can be negative and i don't want to be like that.

i suspect your friend would probably like it a lot if you called. :)
 

OrangeAppled

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^ To add a bit more....Fi-ers may not instinctively pick up on the sort of universal appropriateness Fe picks up on, but we do pick up on individual standards. So if you set the tone, then we may know how to proceed. If you call a lot or at certain times of day, I think Ne sees patterns & Fi devises a general concept of how to deal with you. Like skylights, I'm sort of petrified of annoying people & for every reason to call I may think of 5 not to; and it's probably bad past experiences blown seriously out of proportion in my mind due to hypersensitivity. I have some social anxiety though, but it seems like for even non shy NFPs there's some over-thinking involved in relationships, and it helps when the other person is direct about what they'd like/need. I find myself a lot more flexible than others, so if they call me, then I am usually cool with it, but I find other people have all these weird rules, and I'd rather to wait & see what they are before inadvertently crossing one.
 

TopherRed

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Very insightful my dears, thank you.
 

Firelie

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IN my experiences??.. Intriguing conflict.

Hmm, that's interesting. Well, we certainly find each other intriguing, but there have been no conflicts as of yet. It is a fairly new relationship, though.
 

TopherRed

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If the two of you survive the entry into each other's atmospheres, the conflict will become a passionate benefit to the relationship. But it's a pride thing. If both of you can tolerate AND respect the other's pride, then it should be a successful relationship.

P.S.- If you haven't come across this problem yet, don't anticipate it will happen for sure; this has been my experience though. My best friend is an INTJ.
 

Arclight

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Hmm, that's interesting. Well, we certainly find each other intriguing, but there have been no conflicts as of yet. It is a fairly new relationship, though.

Well I was just going on personal experiences .. and of course there are always exceptions to every generality. All it takes is two people to value each other and no issue is insurmountable.
 

Firelie

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No worries, I won't judge my relationship based on other people's experiences. :) I was just saying. We do find each other incredibly odd at times, but it's more endearing than conflict-inducing.
 

Neutralpov

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I don't think this is a fair statement. INFPs tend to show they care in non Fe ways, so if you're looking for Fe displays of caring, then no, you're not going to get it. However, that does not mean INFPs do not care; we may care so intensely that it's almost impossible to express.

I've been on the other end of both an INFJ & ENFJ who only talk about themselves & only call when they're down & need to vent. I think this has more to do with NFs attracting broken people in need of a listening ear than any particular type being only takers & not givers (but sometimes those broken people are other NFs...). The other issue is, I know some ENFJs who refuse to open up & keep deflecting the conversation away from them; what's a person supposed to do then?

Easy answer imo. You have to be trustworthy, reciprocal (give and take is healthy), sincere, and vulnerable yourself. If you aren't these that is why you hit a locked gate.


P.S. Bonus quality is awesomely loving in conflict resolution with us and believe the best automatically of us.
 

OrangeAppled

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Easy answer imo. You have to be trustworthy, reciprocal (give and take is healthy), sincere, and vulnerable yourself. If you aren't these that is why you hit a locked gate.

I don't think it would be inflated of me to say that I possess those qualities; in fact, I'd say those are quite basic strengths associated with INFPs in general. It doesn't appear quite that simple, from my perspective....
 

ceecee

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They're a big, warm, furry blanket of awesome.
 

TopherRed

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I don't think it would be inflated of me to say that I possess those qualities; in fact, I'd say those are quite basic strengths associated with INFPs in general. It doesn't appear quite that simple, from my perspective....

If only I would be so lucky to find that someday, my dear. :)

They're a big, warm, furry blanket of awesome.

*bear hugs himself*
 
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