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  1. #11
    Senior Member tkae.'s Avatar
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    Just be there for her.

    School, grades, responsibility, those are things that an INFP has to learn on their own. Your job as a parent, while it might feel like it's your duty to "teach" them those things, will be so much better spent concentrating on being her safety net than her educator.

    My mom's an ESFJ, and other parents disapproved when she didn't do anything when my grades slipped in high school. But she knew, and I'm glad she knew, that pressuring me would have just added to the pressure that I was already getting from school. I didn't fit in, the social structures and other kids didn't make sense, etc. But she was my emotional support, and that was so much more vital to me making it through high school than anything else.
    "Not knowing how near the truth is, we seek it far away." -Ekaku Hakuin
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  2. #12
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    Cool Heres my two peneth!

    As an INFP and teacher I would recommend...
    1. Teach her the knowledge from Dale Carnegies 'How to win friends & influence people' (changed my life)
    2. Teach her De Bono - six thinking hats, very simple yet will help her to organize her thoughts when completing essays etc (essential for the INFP thinker)
    3. Subtly explain Myers Briggs to her so she can understand why people act/think in completely different ways to her - definitely helped me to accept others and myself.

  3. #13
    Junior Member SpacemanSpiff's Avatar
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    Middle School is likely a lost cause. Try to get through it with minimal damage.

  4. #14
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    I am the INFP mother of an INFP teenager daughter. she just turned 13. I have to say her and I share one of the richest enjoyable relationships than any other parent I know because of our mutual personalities. INFPs crave being seen and recognized for what they are and who they are on a profound level. We seek relationships that are full of meaning and understanding. Surface relationships are never rewarding for us and can cause a lot of frustration. However they can be endured especially if there is at least one person in our lives we can connect with. I did not find this until I was in my late teens into adulthood. Now that I am in my thirties I have found many different personality types who enjoy and support my own even if they do not see eye to eye. NT's especially! I had no one to tell me the things I felt were normal so I always felt like an alien. I would alternate between wishing I was like everyone else to feeling superior because no one could think or feel on the level that I did. Guilt would always immediately follow the feeling of superiority of course because we are walking contradictions at times. So when I realized I had an INFP for a daughter I made it my goal to be for her everything I needed but could not find. Full acceptance, encouragement and praise for being the extremely unique individual she is. I do my best to encourage the many positive traits of an INFP in her and to take pride in it. Her and I talk for hours about anything and everything. I do my best to never dismiss these golden opportunities even if what she is talking about means nothing to me. They are vitally important to her at this time in her life because everything a teen INFP feels is extreme! They need to have an outlet for all of these emotions. Dont be alarmed about some of the extreme ones. Often we feel something deeply and once expressed some of the pressure is drained and the feelings are much more manageable. So do not panic or over react. Another wonderful phrase for any parent to their INFP teen is "Do you need to vent or do you need my help with this?" This question has done wonders for my marriage as well. Takes out so much of the confusion! More than anything just be there to listen with out judging and encourage her and praise her as it seems you already are. An INFP child can be an absolute joy! My mother never prepared me for the depth of love I would feel for my daughter and the level of pride I would feel. Although not an INFP she did a wonderful job of raising one. She died when I was 18 but I will never forget that she was that person who accepted me for everything I was, contradictions, strong emotions, melodrama and all! Enjoy your little INFP! Shes is a gift! Oh I forgot an area of caution, when we are around crowds for long periods of time it drains us badly so we need a place to be alone for a bit to re-energize and re-coop. INFPs are the empaths of the world (though not exclusively). We are emotional sponges and all of the combined emotions of so many people at one time can leave us moody, short tempered and depressed. School is a hot bed of teen angst so dont be surprised if she catches colds and flues easy and yes even others bad moods. They are also contagious! Just give her some alone time and lots of hugs and cuddling. Believe it or not a hot shower after school did wonders for me and it does for my daughter as well. But if you give a teen INFP to much alone time they become self absorbed, not in a selfish egotistical way but we get literally lost in emotion and thought and have difficulty coming out of it. We have an extremely rich inner world that can be dark, scary and down right morbid just as easily as whimsical and beautiful. Its a balancing act I know but it will pay off. The extra time and effort is so worth it!!! I hope this helps! I think you are doing a wonderful job in nurturing her creative side and the fact that you are looking for ways to bond with her tells me your going to do just fine.

  5. #15
    Senior Member JivinJeffJones's Avatar
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    Paragraphs woman!

    And welcome

  6. #16
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    She sounds just like me when I was a teenager. My school years, especially teenage/high-school years, were the worst years of my life. First, the fact that you are wanting to understand her and help her is fantastic and I'm sure she would appreciate that! I always appreciated when my parents did things like this for me.
    Here is my advice based on my experience as an INFP:

    - Be gentle. For me, school was horrific. Before high school, I was bullied constantly, but during high school, I was ignored completely. Being ignored hurt worse than the bullying. At least I existed then. Of course, her school experience may be different. She may love it. I really hope so. Either way, make sure her home life is as calm and reassuring as possible. Give her as much space as she needs and let her do things the way she feels will work best for her. Remember that not only are you dealing with a teenager, but an INFP teenager. Teenagers are moody and emotional and INFPs feel more intensely than the other types (from what I've read... and I'd believe it).

    - Support her with all her interests (it sounds like you do!) I was also into reading and drama. What meant most to me was my father being there at my recitals and plays and concerts or whatever. I was also into writing and choir and I was in the Indiana State Youth Orchestra when I was a kid (first violist). I had a fascination with a new topic every month and I would research tirelessly and talk about it nonstop. I loved when my parents would research it, too, and talk to me about it!

    - Show her all of her strengths and be gentle with her weaknesses. We INFPs are perfectionists and we don't like making mistakes... at least I do. Encourage her strengths and help her overcome her weaknesses. Connect on an emotional level, and most of all, LISTEN. Listening is more important than talking right now.

    - She is going to be different. We all are. We are all unique, but it is very hard for the unique-ier INFP. I've noticed INFPs tend to be brooding and we are cruel to ourselves regarding our inner dialogue, and some, like myself, are self-deprecating in their humor. That is incredibly hard in an environment such as school where conformity is key and being unique is sometimes frowned upon by peers. Simply support her through this. Just listen and give lots of cuddles and show her how wonderful she is.

    Last but not least... good luck.

  7. #17
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    OH! Geez... I thought of another really important one. Well, it was important to me and would have REALLY made a difference in my life if I had known this...

    Her friends may be extraverted and want her to go shopping, go to the movies, hang out, etc., and she may (and probably will) a lot of times wish to have her alone time. I felt like it was wrong to put off hanging out with my friends, so instead of ignoring my friends, I ignored my own needs. I've also noticed that INFPs, since we do feel our emotions so intensely, tend to have our stress/emotions manifest physically. Ignoring my own needs made me very ill as a teenager.

    Tell her it is okay to take her alone time. It is important to be there for her friends when they need her, and she needs to support them and their needs, but she mostly needs to love herself first so she doesn't burn out. If a friend gets angry, then they aren't a friend at all (which is a hard lesson to learn at that age). Tell her it is okay to have just a few friends if she ends up not having a bunch of them. I felt weird that I only had a couple of friends. Everyone else had hordes of them. What was wrong with me? Nothing. I'm introverted and I did NOT understand that back then.

    I wish I had.

  8. #18
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    I think that the most important thing you can do is to make yourself available to her when she really needs you and be your accepting self with her. You have Fe, you can probably pick up on when something isn't right within. I know times are hard and we all have to pay the bills, but I believe this to be, from childhood experience with busy parents, of very great importance.

    My own parents were constantly working to provide for me and my four brothers. I knew very well the reason for their frequent and often long absences and I understood it, but it was still agonizing to be/feel totally alone when I needed someone to be there for me most the way I needed someone most.

    My dad and I have grown very close since they closed their bakery (loads of work), he's easily the closest relation I have in my family and we both count each other as a friend as well as family. Even though I have a very hard time going to anybody with problems unless I'm sure they can help, if I need to talk to somebody about something, chances are I'll go to my dad because he'll listen, do his best to understand, and whether he can or not, he just accepts me. It's a very special relationship. I can have conversations with my dad that I could never have with my best friend.

    Be there for her. Encourage her with honesty when everyone else says it's not possible (unless it's something really is impossible, but such things are so few) and that she can't do it or she feels that she can't simply be who she is. Listen when she needs somebody to listen. In my experience as an INFP, I haven't really cared much for unsolicited advice. Asking to give it would probably be a good idea.

    But be there for her. Encourage her and listen. These three things, I find, to be what I wish I had most in my teenage years.

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