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  1. #1
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    Default INFJ seductive or scary?

    Here's something that has always puzzled me -

    I am an INFJ and I have had no end of guys in general who are/were enamored with me. But back when I was dating and I really liked a guy, he would generally run in the other direction or just not be interested in anything other than friendship.

    Why was it so easy to catch "any" guy, but so impossible to catch the ones I really liked? It's like the same flirting techniques that worked on the duds, drove away the good ones.

    I did eventually find the right guy, who actually liked me back, but that duality of being very popular with guys in general but not popular with the guys I liked, has always been a mystery to me.

    What do you think?

  2. #2
    Senior Member Onceajoan's Avatar
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    What kind of guy do you like? vs. what kind of guy do you attract?1

    BTW: scary can be seductive! Happy Halloween!

  3. #3
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    Wow, I have encountered the exact same thing throughout my life. I'm always being asked out by people who I don't really like, but then when I (every once in a blue moon) find a guy I like, they are not super into me. I have no idea what causes this, but I'm encouraged to hear that you eventually found someone who reciprocated because I'm beginning to lose hope, lol.

    I've done a ton of self examination about it and even asked a few of the guys what turned them off. It seems like they can never really put their finger on it but for some reason just feel like we'd be better as friends, even though they were initially interested. The only thing I can think of is that when I really like someone I tend to get anxious for a while around them until I know they are going to stick around, and that probably keeps me from entirely being myself so maybe they just aren't getting to see the real me (?) I also tend to be most attracted to other INFJ's and INFP's, so maybe there are similar blind spots and tendencies towards anxiety, so that neither of us are able to help the other person calm down. With the two long term relationships I've had that lasted for years, both guys were really hesitant to get involved with me at first (again for some unquantifiable reason) but ended up really committing after they got over their doubts, and both men still tell me I was the love of their lives. Dunno. I've stopped thinking its because something is wrong with me, though. I figure the stars will eventually align and something will work out. :-/

    I have no problem whatsoever making good friends. Other INFJ friends of mine (both men and women) have had the same exact problem when it comes to dating. It's definitely an INFJ phenomenon.

  4. #4
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    The trick is finding a guy who is smart enough to be a little scared, but brave enough to go for it.

    I don't think I was ever particularly popular with guys. Sometimes people see my cold, uptight facet and sometimes they see my sweet, mousy, naive facet. Neither is particularly seductive to most guys.

    I'm not actually great with friendships, but I did find a compatible guy pretty young. Being grown-ups has often sucked, but the relationship part of things hasn't been as difficult as I expected.

    I think, though, with INFJs we have pretty high and mostly non-negotiable standards in some areas plus we can be difficult to read and those things can make us a little intimidating.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  5. #5
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    "The trick is finding a guy who is smart enough to be a little scared, but brave enough to go for it."

    So true!!!

  6. #6
    Member 1.000.000's Avatar
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    I was actually complaining about this a friend of mine recently, about how the girls I like are the ones that don't feel the same way while a bunch of ones that I'm not interested in have crushes on me. She said I can be really intimidating at times and that, that scares people off quite a bit. I think it has something to do with people finding the deeper, caring side of my personality attractive and me not showing that to girls I'm flirting with out of fear of being too nice.
    "Wait, time out. I just wanted to ask real quick, if I can. You believe in rebellion, freedom and love, right? "

    You! Yes, you there! What's on your mind when you're just walking along not thinking about anything?

  7. #7
    Senior Member hilo's Avatar
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    I seem to like INFJs, when I can find them

    But I find this concept of "intimidation" odd.

    Is that really a factor for you guys/girls? Can you explain how you can be "scared off"? Either you like someone or you don't. Intimidation is for playgrounds, don't we get over that at some point?
    I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.
    - Umberto Eco

    INTP e9 (sx/so/sp)
    Ti = Ne (41.3) > Si (31.2) ~ Ni (31.1) ~ Te (30.1) > Se (24.1) >> Fe (21) & Fi (20.1)

  8. #8
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I don't think we're intentionally intimidating. Didn't have that effect on my INTP thankfully. He just seems to think I'm quirky and cute, but not to be crossed.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #9
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    I haven't been told that I am intimidating, but I have been told I am "intense." I suppose the problem is that love feelings just drove the intensity up too high for any reasonable person to handle.

  10. #10
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lily flower View Post
    I haven't been told that I am intimidating, but I have been told I am "intense." I suppose the problem is that love feelings just drove the intensity up too high for any reasonable person to handle.
    I think I had more of the opposite problem: I usually think I'm showing a lot more emotion than I'm actually showing. It seemed to make one guy I dated really insecure and then he got really controlling, which did not go over well.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

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