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  1. #11
    Sniffles
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    I never seemed too popular with the girls, yet people would always assume I was a swinging womanzier who could seduce girls with one glance.

  2. #12
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    I agree that your feelings drive up your intensity level to high for any person to handle. Your not going to be able to hide the way you feel being an Infj and that may make some people uncomfortable. Conversley if your not interested in someome romanticlly you will probably make it clear in some way without you realizing it, and I believe in the theory of people want what they can't have.

  3. #13
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    There is some aspect of me that has been described as unapproachable. I didn't date much when single and was mostly lonely during those years with unrequited crushes. The people who had crushes on me tended to be rejected socially and mistook my respect for them as someone who would go out with them also, but it had nothing to do with compatibility. I was mostly in environments where I was just too different from the cultural norm to be involved socially. The dating I did do was with guys who had very stereotyped, externally based views of who I was based on my being quiet and polite, but even that was rare. They had strong preconceived notions about how I was expected to think and behave and would tell me the ways I needed to change to fit their expectations. That was a long time ago.

    It took longer, but I found a kindred spirit to love, and that's what matters to me.
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  4. #14
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Resurrecting old threads today.

    I certainly seem to have this issue with men having some degree of attraction to me but feeling we're better off as friends, and I also can't quite put my finger on it...

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I think I had more of the opposite problem: I usually think I'm showing a lot more emotion than I'm actually showing. It seemed to make one guy I dated really insecure and then he got really controlling, which did not go over well.
    This definitely applies to me. I tend to think I'm being too obvious if anything, and then find out later that the guy didn't even know I liked him. I obviously need to dial it up a bit, but I'm really worried about scaring the horses, because I know how super-intense and emotional I am inwardly and I think that can freak people out who get a glimpse.
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  5. #15
    violaine
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    I've noticed (i.e. been told directly) that some men make all kinds of assumptions as to how much you might need them if you seem very together but are hard to read. This has even happened to me inside of a relationship. :/ It's made me slightly paranoid about how much of my dreams and goals I can share. Cue unrelated (but in my mind related in every way) anecdote: I mentioned to someone the other day that none of my boyfriends ever really bought me flowers and that in hindsight, I thought that odd. (Note: This was not a big deal, I never even realized while dating any of these guys that they didn't buy me flowers, etc.) And he said that it was probably because they found me/my taste intimidating. Which was extremely surprising to me. And almost upsetting, I feel as though I make such an effort to show that I'm accepting of the people I love and that my own tastes are just that... *shrug*

    It got me thinking though and I did conclude that I can be hard to get to know, even in a relationship. I can be so focused on being polite and getting to know the other person in whom I'm genuinely interested that I forget to share parts of myself that make a guy feel like he is really getting to know me. For me, that usually comes after we've started the relationship and perhaps a long way down the track. I can see how being a bit more truly open can make a guy I'm interested in feel more comfortable.

  6. #16
    Certified Sausage Smoker Elfboy's Avatar
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    scary
    on the outside, they look like pleasant, sweet, innocent ISFJs. on the inside however, they're directing, calculating and visionary.
    ENFP: We put the Fi in Fire
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  7. #17
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elfboy View Post
    scary
    on the outside, they look like pleasant, sweet, innocent ISFJs. on the inside however, they're directing, calculating and visionary.
    You have a point there

    Quote Originally Posted by violaine View Post
    I've noticed (i.e. been told directly) that some men make all kinds of assumptions as to how much you might need them if you seem very together but are hard to read. This has even happened to me inside of a relationship. :/ It's made me slightly paranoid about how much of my dreams and goals I can share. Cue unrelated (but in my mind related in every way) anecdote: I mentioned to someone the other day that none of my boyfriends ever really bought me flowers and that in hindsight, I thought that odd. (Note: This was not a big deal, I never even realized while dating any of these guys that they didn't buy me flowers, etc.) And he said that it was probably because they found me/my taste intimidating. Which was extremely surprising to me. And almost upsetting, I feel as though I make such an effort to show that I'm accepting of the people I love and that my own tastes are just that... *shrug*

    It got me thinking though and I did conclude that I can be hard to get to know, even in a relationship. I can be so focused on being polite and getting to know the other person in whom I'm genuinely interested that I forget to share parts of myself that make a guy feel like he is really getting to know me. For me, that usually comes after we've started the relationship and perhaps a long way down the track. I can see how being a bit more truly open can make a guy I'm interested in feel more comfortable.
    Oohh, you have some VERY good points there. Together/hard to read: yes. I think the flowers/intimidating taste thing kind of applies to me too. In my case, I also make a huge effort to be accommodating and not to inflict my tastes on others and that sort of thing but I do tend to have intellectual interests and my passion really manifests itself in those areas, and I am sure that can be intimidating. Mind you, I'm an odd split between highbrow and lowbrow tastes. If I think you can handle it, practically in the same breath I'll tell you how much I love some obscure German poet, and why, and then why I think Hysteria by Def Leppard is one of the greatest records of all time, in a totally non-ironic way.

    It does seem that INFJs generally have issues with thinking that we're being quite open and sharing emotionally and so on and yet we don't come across that way. Something to watch out for. We have the odd blend of formality and personal warmth, as I think Skylights said in another thread.
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  8. #18
    violaine
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Mind you, I'm an odd split between highbrow and lowbrow tastes. If I think you can handle it, practically in the same breath I'll tell you how much I love some obscure German poet, and why, and then why I think Hysteria by Def Leppard is one of the greatest records of all time, in a totally non-ironic way.
    Heh, love it.

    Another thing I just thought of: I find it really hard to let a guy do things for me. As in, it's almost unbearable. I'm working on letting the guy carry my bags for me and pay for me and such. A good friend of mine told me that I have to let the guy I'm with feel like the hero sometimes. (A completely foreign concept to me, because if I'm with him, he is my 'hero'.) She's right though, bless her for her advice, and I do know it's nice to feel needed in tangible ways. (I feel like I really need my BF but it's in those intangible ways because that's the way that I feel close to someone.)

    I remember a study done with respect to how best to ingratiate oneself with a person. Those who asked the subject of the study to do a favor for them were deemed more important and closer to the subject than those who did the subject of the study a favor. Actually makes some kind of sense.

  9. #19
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    It's sort of weird with me. In summary (for those who don't want to read everything), I think it's almost entirely my quietness that would put most people off - would put guys off, and also would keep acquaintances/friendships at bay. In a purely romantic context, the other thing that applies is that I simply am not interested, romantically, in most guys. I have pretty high standards in terms of who I want in my life in a deep/meaningful/real way, and with everyone else I'll deliberately keep things pretty walled off and I'll talk about myself if asked, but I really won't elaborate a whole lot - mostly pleasantries and my just asking them questions. I am almost positive this is read [correctly] by most that I am not interested - hence they don't pursue.

    When I DO like someone though? I think it's fairly obvious. In the end, I think I come across very feminine, and I know that I can't stop my body language from showing if I like someone - inflections of the voice, eye twinkles, the way I smile, whatever. Now I'm not one who's overly demonstrative, so I won't touch the other person much (or at all), but it's more subtle. I still think guys would pick up on it though. As one silly example, I have the unfortunate affliction of *blushing* pretty readily. It can be very embarrassing as I can't control it. But my boyfriend likes to point out when I do blush. lol. I bring that up because it's something that would be obvious if I were with someone, and like them, and at certain moments I'd probably blush....

    I don't think I'm seductive or scary. I'm not... effusive enough to be seductive, I don't think. I'm too contained. I'm not scary either, although like I said in the beginning, I DO put up noticeable walls that keep others at bay. Walls aside, the common theme that I get all the time is that I am 'sweet'. I don't exactly understand it (honestly) - that this is a universal view - but most acquaintances I meet end up citing this. Especially of late, everyone references me as 'sweetie' or 'sweet pea' (when saying bye to me), or this older gentleman friend of my boyfriend told my boyfriend recently that I was a 'real quality girl' and if anyone messed with me, they were messing with him. I hear this stuff and I'm like... really? Holy crap, I hardly say a thing, and I treat people respectfully... is this such a rare thing and as such I'm universally Sweet and guys end up wanting to protect me? I actually find it kinda sweet. lol!!! haha. It's like I exude this feminine/cute/innocent/sweet vibe (again - definitely not seductive, le sigh) -- which will obviously be alluring to certain sorts but totally boring to others. Not that that really matters... I mean I like who I like, and I'm not out in the market for some 'protector' or any such thing (I'm very self-sufficient and independent), nor is any of this an act where I'm putting on airs or even consciously trying to 'be sweet' or whatever. I'm just being my usual quiet self, being nice to people.

    Edit: I've also mused too over the impact of ones own genetics/physique, and corresponding cultural associations with said physique. So with myself, given my build, my voice pitch, my facial features, and the like, there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to carry off the 'seductive' vibe - as culturally viewed. Which is why I'm always 'cute' and 'sweet'. Whereas I have an INFJ friend who is over 6 ft tall, dark hair, more exotic looking, more curvaceous, and she'd totally pull of the seductive vibe rather than the 'cutesy' vibe. The two of us next to each other, interacting with the same guy, would end up impacting the guy in different ways, simply by virtue of our differing looks. I'm not saying this is the only thing behind such things as whether a person is viewed as 'seductive' or 'scary' or whatnot, but it certainly plays a part.
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  10. #20
    From the Undertow CuriousFeeling's Avatar
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    I've gotten mixed reactions from guys... usually one end of the extreme to the next, either they barely even know I'm alive, or they're chasing after me. Thing is, in middle school through high school, when a guy would say that his friend likes me, I often thought they were full of it just seeing how gullible I was. I think at times my brainy nature would scare guys off... or some guys that would secretly have a crush and admit it years later would tell me that they were too shy because they weren't sure if I'd give them the time of day.

    As the years have progressed, things have changed though. But still, I can seem a little intimidating. I have learned that the right man for me will find my intelligence seductive.
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