DJAchtundvierzig
New member
- Joined
- Jul 27, 2010
- Messages
- 272
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 4w3
- Instinctual Variant
- sx
INFJ
Personality
INFJs focus on possibilities, think in terms of values and come easily to decisions. The small number of
this type (1 percent) is regrettable, since INFJs have unusually strong drive to contribute to the welfare of
others and genuinely enjoy helping their fellow men. This type has great depth of personality; they are
themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.
It is an INFJ who is likely to have visions of human events past, present, or future. If a person
demonstrates an ability to understand psychic phenomena better than most others, this person is apt to
be an INFJ. Characteristically, INFJs have strong empathic abilities and can be aware of another’s
emotions or intents even before that person is conscious of these. This can take the form of feeling the
distress of illnesses of others to an extent, which is difficult for other types. INFJs can intuit good and evil
in others, although they seldom can tell how they came to know. Subsequent events tend to bear them
out, however.
INFJs are usually good students, achievers who exhibit an unostentatious creativity. They take their
work seriously and enjoy academic activity. They can exhibit qualities of overperfectionism and put
more into a task than perhaps is justified by the nature of the task. They generally will not be visible
leaders, but will quietly exert influence behind the scenes.
INFJs are hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend
not to share their reactions except with those they trust. Because of their vulnerability through a strong
facility to interject, INFJs can be hurt rather easily by others, which, perhaps, is at least one reason they
tend to be private people. People who have known an INFJ for years may find sides emerging which
come as a surprise. Not that INFJs are inconsistent; they are very consist and value integrity. But they
have convoluted, complex personalities, which sometimes puzzle even them.
INFJs like to please others and tend to contribute their own best efforts in all situations. They prefer and
enjoy agreeing with others, and find conflict disagreeable and destructive. What is known, as ESP is
likely found in an INFJ more than in any other types, although other types are capable of such
phenomena. INFJs have vivid imaginations exercised both as memory and intuition, and this can amount
to genius, resulting at time in an INFJ’s being seen as mystical. This unfettered imagination often will
enable this person to compose complex and often aesthetic works of art such as music, mathematical
systems, poems, plays, and novels. In a sense, the INFJ is the most poetic of all the types. Just as the
ENTJ cannot not lead, so must an INFJ intuit; this capability extends to people, things, and often events,
taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things
to come. INFJs can have uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.
Career
INFJs often select liberal arts as a college major and opt for occupations, which involve interacting with
people, but on a one-to-one basis. For example, the general practitioner in medicine might be an INFJ, or
the psychiatrist or psychologist. As with all NF’s, the ministry holds attraction, although the INFJ must
develop an extraverted role here, which requires a great deal of energy. INFJs may be attracted to
writing as a profession, and often they use language, which contains an unusual degree of imagery. They
are masters of the metaphor, and both their verbal and written communications tend to be elegant and
complex. Their great talent for language usually is directed toward people, describing people and writing
to communicate with people in a personalized way. INFJs who write comment often that they write with
a particular person in mind; writing to a faceless, abstract audience leaves them uninspired.
INFJs make outstanding individual therapists who have the ability to get in touch with the archetypes of
their patients in a way some other types do not. The INFJs are also the most vulnerable of all the types to
the eruption of their own archetypal material. As therapists, INFJs may choose counseling, clinical
psychology, or psychiatry, or may choose to teach in these fields. Writing about these professions often
intrigues and INFJ. Whatever their choice, they generally are successful in these fields because their
great personal warmth, their enthusiasm, their insight, their depth of concentrations, their originality,
and their organizational skills can all be brought into play.
At work as well as socially, INFJs are highly sensitive in their handling of others and tend to work well in
an organizational structure. They have a capacity for working at jobs, which require solitude and
concentration, but also do well when in contact with people, providing the human interaction is not
superficial. INFJs enjoy problem solving and can understand and use human systems creatively and
humanistrically. As employees or employers, INFJs are concerned with people’s feelings and are able to
provide in themselves a barometer of the feelings of individuals and groups within the organizations.
INFJs listen well and are willing and able to consult and cooperate with others. Once a decision is made,
they work to implement it.
INFJs are generally good at public relations and themselves have good interpersonal relations. They
value staff harmony and want an organization to run smoothly and pleasantly, themselves making every
effort to contribute to that end. They are crushed by too much criticism and can have their feelings hurt
rather easily. They respond to praise and use approval as a means of motivating others, just as they, the
INFJs, are motivated by approval. If they are subject to a hostile, unfriendly working condition or to
constant criticism, they tend to lose confidence, become unhappy and immobilized, and finally become
physically ill.
Home
As mates, INFJs are usually devoted to their spouses, but may not always be open to physical approaches.
They tend to be physically demonstrative at times, but wish to choose when, which is when they are in the
mood. This may be quite confusing to an extraverted mate. Often an INFJ’s expressions of affection will
be subtle, taking a humorous, unexpected turn. INFJs need and want harmony in their homes and find
constant conflict, overt or covert, extremely destructive to their psyches. Their friendship circle is likely
to be small, deep, and longstanding. As parents, INFJs need and want harmony in their homes and find
constant conflict, overt or covert, extremely destructive to their psyches. Their friendship circle is likely
to be small, deep, and longstanding. As parents, INFJs usually are fiercely devoted. A female INFJ,
particularly, is linked to her children in a way different from the other types; with almost a psychic
symbiosis. This deep bond can create an overdependency that can be unhealthy for both mother and
child. At the same time, INFJs tend to be good friends with their children, while firm in discipline. They
usually are concerned about the comfort of a home and most especially the comfort, physical health and
emotional well being of both mates and children.
Midlife
At midlife an INFJ can best continue developing the thinking function in the form of logic and the
pursuit of theory. The pleasure of taking a theoretical model and applying it to a situation may be a
source of interest, which an INFJ may have been neglecting. While continuing to pursue the person-toperson
in feeling-type relationships, at midlife INFJs may want to get more involved in working with
NT’s, who offer a dimension not dominant in NF’s and vice versa. Carefully providing for rest and
taking care of physical health is vital to the INFJ at all times, and mandatory for midlife on.
Mates
The particular INFJ may opt for the inventive ENTP, but also may go for a different kind of contrary,
namely the ESTP. The ESTP and ENTP, to the casual observer, look pretty much alike. Charming,
suave, urbane, humorous, witty, fantastically easy to approach, venturesome, even reckless. But one is
out to invent, the other to promote; this is not small difference. It takes an inventor to make a
mousetrap, it takes a promoter to make an enterprise. To succeed, the promoter has to be, in the best
sense of the word, a con artist. He must be able to get people’s confidence. Now why woul d a meaninggiver
INFJ be intrigued by an entrepreneur ESTP? Because he wishes to rescue this iconoclast from his
seeming folly (and let’s face it, most inventions are abortive, or stillborn).
Courting
If ever a person died for love, it was sure to have been and Apollonian (NF), Romeo and Juliet, both NFs,
could not face the prospect of life without each other and so chose to die in a way which was symbolic of
their single minded and eternal commitment to each other. Other famous lovers, such as Heloise and
Abelard, the Brownings, Antony and Cleopatra, Beth the landlord’s daughter and her highwayman, all
created a work of art in their courtships. This is not surprising, since one of the arts at which the NF is
skilled is that of creating the romantic relationship. In fact, the term sex would seem somehow crude
when used in discussing the NF; love better captures their appreciation of the physical relationship. Both
the NF female and male respond to their mates with sympathy, tenderness, and frequent, passionate
expressions of love, both verbal and nonverbal. Possessing facility with language. NFs are able too
express nuances of emotions that may escape other types. NFs are not afraid of using poetry, that may
escape other types. NFs are not afraid of using poetry, music, and quotations to enhance their courting
relationships: the romantic developments in the lives of NFs thrive on receiving these tokens of affection
and dedication. NFs have a flair for dramatizing their courtships, making each the perfect love. A
storybook flavor permeates their courtship behavior. The NF suitor is certain he will live happily ever
after, and transmits this certainty to the object of romantic pursuit. The ideal of the perfect love that will
never die motivates the NFs in their search of a partner who can relate spiritually as well as physically.
They strive to be authentic lovers capable of sustaining deep intimacy. Seeing their identity as mate is a
major part of their personality.
Just as the possible rather than the actual lures NFs in other parts of their lives, so do the possibilities in
relationships inspire them. When a relationship is being established, the recipient of the NF's attention is
apt to be the center of his world. The pursuit is given almost single-minded attention and no effort is
spared in the wooing. An undying love is in the offing, and once the physical relationship is
consummated (for a male NF) or the words of love spoken (for a female NF) the relationship will be
blessed with romantic bliss. Both NF males and females are likely to be blind to any flaws in their
beloved in the early stages of a romance. Life will be happy ever after (although the details of this happy
ever after are usually not explored in depth). The romantic gesture and the idealization of the
relationship are characteristic of the courting behaviors of the NF. The dream is sometimes preferred to
reality. At times the fantasy of the sexual encounter cannot survive the reality of consummation,
especially for the male NF.
Sex
It appears female NFs are more able to sustain the depth of romanticism involved with a relationship
longer than male NFs. Once the physical side of the relationship is acted out, the male NF can lose
interest and turn to pursue the impossible dream of a larger than life, giant-screen goddess who will be
Madonna, mistress, lover, whore, mother, daughter, and wife. His real-life mate is not always able to
measure up. The NF male, in hot pursuit, is likely to express a love which is undying but which can
vanish all to soon in the harsh light of the morning after. The female NF does not demonstrate this
characteristic; rather, she is likely to increase her dedication after the physical relationship is
consummated. She becomes more and more devoted, continuing to romanticize the relationship and
believe in its perfection. To give small transactions profound significance, to dramatize the interactions
with her mate, to be willing to die for love. She seems seldom disappointed in the sexual act; orgasmic
response on her part is seen as inconsequential compared to the pleasure of giving pleasure to her mate.
What matters is that he is fulfilled and satisfied. For the male NF, ennui can set in as a result of
familiarity; for the female NF, this is not as likely to happen. The SP can say, and mean, with Dorothy
Parker, “I’ll be true as long as you, and not a moment after…,†the female NF is more likely to have as a
part of her mating identity the image of falling in love once and for a lifetime. The fact that his does not
always work out does not negate the possibility of the dream coming true. Fortunately, both male and
female NFs have a capacity for deep affection and caring over and above sexual expression, and out of
this capacity can grow a lasting, satisfactory relationship.
In the last decade or so a curious phenomenon has occurred, perhaps arising from the female NFs
characteristic of maintaining her romantic dream even in the face of a contradictory reality. The group
that spearheaded the sexual revolution were the female NFs. It has been the female NFs who have said
“NO†to the double sexual (and other) standards. It has been the female NFs who have been most
militant in demanding equal orgasmic rights. It has been the female NFs who have decided that they are
not sure they will be true, even as long as their male partners. Somehow female NFs have decided that
their vision of a better, more satisfactory mating relationship can be actualized. They seem willing, in
ever growing numbers, to take whatever risks are necessary to find that relationship, either in or out of a
legal contract. In fact, more and more the NF females seem reluctant to tie themselves down to a legal
arrangement, putting off the urgings of their housemates, asking that both wait until she is sure she is
doing the right thing. More and more NF females seem to be willing to bear their children outside a legal
arrangement and to raise them alone. This is not to say that other types are not also involved in this
movement, but it is the NFs, along with a limited number of NT females, who provide the vanguard of the
revolution. Instead of being ready and willing to die for love, the current NF female seems to be willing
to live for the possibility of a better way of relating to mates.
Interpersonal
Both male and female NFs are likely to be charming mates, and a source of continuing warmth, support,
and understanding. They are usually ready to lend sympathy to a mate when the outside world turns
hostile and are not apt to use that moment to point out the errors of a mate’s ways, something which
other types might be tempted to do. The NFs are generally skilled socially, and people usually feel
wanted and well-hosted in their homes. They often are experts in the ar ts of appreciation, especially in
the area of personal characteristics, and they are apt to be generous in expressing these appreciations to
their mate. It is probably the NF who is the most loving, dedicated, affectionate, appreciative mate, and
is unstinting in the expression of these emotions, both to mate and to children. Their conversations,
particularly those of extraverted NFs, are apt to be sprinkled with terms of endearment, especially in
private. The NF can be as extravagant as an SP when expressing love through the media of gifts, but the
NF is more than likely to present the gift in private, and select with extraordinary care something with
special or even symbolic meaning. NFs, both male and female, usually remember birthdays,
anniversaries, and the like without being prompted, or at most needing only a hint. If, in turn, the NFs’
milestones are not heeded, they are deeply hurt, as deeply as they are appreciative when theirs are
noticed.
Although NFs, especially the male NF, become restless if others (including mates, children, or parents)
are dependent, NFs have in their own personality characteristics that promote this dependency. They
pride themselves on being sensitive to others and caring about them. It is almost impossible for NFs to be
unaware of others’ psychological needs. Yet the NF becomes restless when these ties begin to bind, as
they do when the amount of emotional input becomes a psychological overload for the NF. At this point
the NF can seem cruel, insisting unexpectedly that the other “stand on his own two feet.†This shift in
attitude is usually abrupt and the person who heretofore believed that he was very special in the eyes of
the NF now finds himself apparently rejected. The NF does not mean to be unkind; he or she is simply
disconnecting a relationship which can no longer be handled – in spite of the reality that the NF created
this dependent relationship through expressions of empathy and unique understanding. Building
empathic relationships is second nature to this temperament, a master of the art of intimacy. But as
those around the NF want more and more attention, more and more expressions of this unusual
appreciation, more and more signals of deep affection, the NF seemed promised; the ideal love, the
perfect friendship, complete understanding, and total acceptance.
The NF is vulnerable to this kind of misunderstanding because of his extraordinary capabilities to
interject. He can take into himself the point of view, the emotions, and the psychological state of another
so completely that the other feels totally received. The other person may not realize that the NF does this
in most relationships, and may be hurt on discovering that he is not valued as uniquely as he first
thought. When the NF leaves each person, the NF no longer resonates to that person, but relates to the
person now present. Understandably, this can cause some difficulty in the mating relationship for mates
who want this characteristic to be exercised more exclusively; the NF may not know how not to respond
to the emotional demands of others.
Social
A danger an NF faces in his intimate relationships is that he will move from relationship to relationship
rather than making the necessary effort to develop those already existing. The NF’s tendency to
experience anticipation as more attractive than consummation can cause him to use his energies pursuing
the dream at the expense of what is actually available. Once an NF believes that he or she knows all there
is to know about another, disinterest sets in; restlessness and a sense of boredom develop. NFs, as do
other types, want a certain amount of variety and change in their lives. Other types, however, may seek
this through intellectual pursuits, adjustment of living routines, vacations, and new activities. The NF is
most vulnerable to seeking this through searching out new relationships, more often than not at the
expense of deepening those already existing.
A quality an NF can bring to intimate relationships is an extraordinary sensitivity and ability to
communicate emotionally. In the affective areas the NF is without equal. No other type is as sympathetic
to others as is the NF. As mates they can be a source of warmth, appreciation, and support which other
types have difficulty emulating.
Domestic
After the honeymoon is over, the mate of an NF can feel let down when the reality of living with the NF
may be in some contrast with what was anticipated. The discovery by the mate that the NF is, after all,
less than perfect often results in feelings of resentment ill-deserved by the NF, but nonetheless real. NF
mates themselves are in a dilemma. They are caught up in the romanticized expectations of the
psychological and sexual experience generated in their own perceptions and encouraged by others. The
fantasy is more than likely to be exaggerated by both the NF and the mate, and it is a common experience
for NFs to express that anticipation was more delightful than consummation. The actual sexual act, in
particular, can be less than anticipated, for, more often than not, the NF’s romantic nature will not allow
him or her to acquire sexual expertise through study. Rather they see themselves as somehow supposed
to know the appropriate loving and tender approach intuitively. Consulting scientific studies is seen as
cold an objective and somehow destructive. Thus, the actual sexual relationship may be a let down
initially and a disappointment to both partners until both acquire the necessary competency.
Although NFs are almost hypersensitive to the moods of their mates, especially if they are also introverts;
they may not always be willing to deal positively with the other’s emotional reactions. NFs report that
they find their own emotional circuits often so overloaded with their own concerns that they cannot deal
with the emotional experiences of others who are especially close to them, particularly when experiences
involve conflict and hurt. Thus, the mates of NFs can see their mates responding to relative strangers
with a degree of warmth and acceptance that may not be available to them.
As parents, NFs are sensitive to the viewpoint of their children, sometimes to the point of siding with
them in a way which reinforces the youngsters’ antisocial, self-defeating behaviors. An NF parent, for
example, can rush to rescue a child from consequences of his wrongdoing and, in the process, not permit
the child to develop necessary skills which he needs to deal with the realities of a less protective world.
NF mates may have difficulty de taching themselves from their jobs or social demands in order to
preserve time for family. In this the NF is like the SP. They have some difficulty saying “no†to
attractive offers and thus may neglect priorities. Whoever is there and demanding time gets it, even
though other may be waiting elsewhere.
And yeah, there ya go.
Personality
INFJs focus on possibilities, think in terms of values and come easily to decisions. The small number of
this type (1 percent) is regrettable, since INFJs have unusually strong drive to contribute to the welfare of
others and genuinely enjoy helping their fellow men. This type has great depth of personality; they are
themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.
It is an INFJ who is likely to have visions of human events past, present, or future. If a person
demonstrates an ability to understand psychic phenomena better than most others, this person is apt to
be an INFJ. Characteristically, INFJs have strong empathic abilities and can be aware of another’s
emotions or intents even before that person is conscious of these. This can take the form of feeling the
distress of illnesses of others to an extent, which is difficult for other types. INFJs can intuit good and evil
in others, although they seldom can tell how they came to know. Subsequent events tend to bear them
out, however.
INFJs are usually good students, achievers who exhibit an unostentatious creativity. They take their
work seriously and enjoy academic activity. They can exhibit qualities of overperfectionism and put
more into a task than perhaps is justified by the nature of the task. They generally will not be visible
leaders, but will quietly exert influence behind the scenes.
INFJs are hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend
not to share their reactions except with those they trust. Because of their vulnerability through a strong
facility to interject, INFJs can be hurt rather easily by others, which, perhaps, is at least one reason they
tend to be private people. People who have known an INFJ for years may find sides emerging which
come as a surprise. Not that INFJs are inconsistent; they are very consist and value integrity. But they
have convoluted, complex personalities, which sometimes puzzle even them.
INFJs like to please others and tend to contribute their own best efforts in all situations. They prefer and
enjoy agreeing with others, and find conflict disagreeable and destructive. What is known, as ESP is
likely found in an INFJ more than in any other types, although other types are capable of such
phenomena. INFJs have vivid imaginations exercised both as memory and intuition, and this can amount
to genius, resulting at time in an INFJ’s being seen as mystical. This unfettered imagination often will
enable this person to compose complex and often aesthetic works of art such as music, mathematical
systems, poems, plays, and novels. In a sense, the INFJ is the most poetic of all the types. Just as the
ENTJ cannot not lead, so must an INFJ intuit; this capability extends to people, things, and often events,
taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things
to come. INFJs can have uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.
Career
INFJs often select liberal arts as a college major and opt for occupations, which involve interacting with
people, but on a one-to-one basis. For example, the general practitioner in medicine might be an INFJ, or
the psychiatrist or psychologist. As with all NF’s, the ministry holds attraction, although the INFJ must
develop an extraverted role here, which requires a great deal of energy. INFJs may be attracted to
writing as a profession, and often they use language, which contains an unusual degree of imagery. They
are masters of the metaphor, and both their verbal and written communications tend to be elegant and
complex. Their great talent for language usually is directed toward people, describing people and writing
to communicate with people in a personalized way. INFJs who write comment often that they write with
a particular person in mind; writing to a faceless, abstract audience leaves them uninspired.
INFJs make outstanding individual therapists who have the ability to get in touch with the archetypes of
their patients in a way some other types do not. The INFJs are also the most vulnerable of all the types to
the eruption of their own archetypal material. As therapists, INFJs may choose counseling, clinical
psychology, or psychiatry, or may choose to teach in these fields. Writing about these professions often
intrigues and INFJ. Whatever their choice, they generally are successful in these fields because their
great personal warmth, their enthusiasm, their insight, their depth of concentrations, their originality,
and their organizational skills can all be brought into play.
At work as well as socially, INFJs are highly sensitive in their handling of others and tend to work well in
an organizational structure. They have a capacity for working at jobs, which require solitude and
concentration, but also do well when in contact with people, providing the human interaction is not
superficial. INFJs enjoy problem solving and can understand and use human systems creatively and
humanistrically. As employees or employers, INFJs are concerned with people’s feelings and are able to
provide in themselves a barometer of the feelings of individuals and groups within the organizations.
INFJs listen well and are willing and able to consult and cooperate with others. Once a decision is made,
they work to implement it.
INFJs are generally good at public relations and themselves have good interpersonal relations. They
value staff harmony and want an organization to run smoothly and pleasantly, themselves making every
effort to contribute to that end. They are crushed by too much criticism and can have their feelings hurt
rather easily. They respond to praise and use approval as a means of motivating others, just as they, the
INFJs, are motivated by approval. If they are subject to a hostile, unfriendly working condition or to
constant criticism, they tend to lose confidence, become unhappy and immobilized, and finally become
physically ill.
Home
As mates, INFJs are usually devoted to their spouses, but may not always be open to physical approaches.
They tend to be physically demonstrative at times, but wish to choose when, which is when they are in the
mood. This may be quite confusing to an extraverted mate. Often an INFJ’s expressions of affection will
be subtle, taking a humorous, unexpected turn. INFJs need and want harmony in their homes and find
constant conflict, overt or covert, extremely destructive to their psyches. Their friendship circle is likely
to be small, deep, and longstanding. As parents, INFJs need and want harmony in their homes and find
constant conflict, overt or covert, extremely destructive to their psyches. Their friendship circle is likely
to be small, deep, and longstanding. As parents, INFJs usually are fiercely devoted. A female INFJ,
particularly, is linked to her children in a way different from the other types; with almost a psychic
symbiosis. This deep bond can create an overdependency that can be unhealthy for both mother and
child. At the same time, INFJs tend to be good friends with their children, while firm in discipline. They
usually are concerned about the comfort of a home and most especially the comfort, physical health and
emotional well being of both mates and children.
Midlife
At midlife an INFJ can best continue developing the thinking function in the form of logic and the
pursuit of theory. The pleasure of taking a theoretical model and applying it to a situation may be a
source of interest, which an INFJ may have been neglecting. While continuing to pursue the person-toperson
in feeling-type relationships, at midlife INFJs may want to get more involved in working with
NT’s, who offer a dimension not dominant in NF’s and vice versa. Carefully providing for rest and
taking care of physical health is vital to the INFJ at all times, and mandatory for midlife on.
Mates
The particular INFJ may opt for the inventive ENTP, but also may go for a different kind of contrary,
namely the ESTP. The ESTP and ENTP, to the casual observer, look pretty much alike. Charming,
suave, urbane, humorous, witty, fantastically easy to approach, venturesome, even reckless. But one is
out to invent, the other to promote; this is not small difference. It takes an inventor to make a
mousetrap, it takes a promoter to make an enterprise. To succeed, the promoter has to be, in the best
sense of the word, a con artist. He must be able to get people’s confidence. Now why woul d a meaninggiver
INFJ be intrigued by an entrepreneur ESTP? Because he wishes to rescue this iconoclast from his
seeming folly (and let’s face it, most inventions are abortive, or stillborn).
Courting
If ever a person died for love, it was sure to have been and Apollonian (NF), Romeo and Juliet, both NFs,
could not face the prospect of life without each other and so chose to die in a way which was symbolic of
their single minded and eternal commitment to each other. Other famous lovers, such as Heloise and
Abelard, the Brownings, Antony and Cleopatra, Beth the landlord’s daughter and her highwayman, all
created a work of art in their courtships. This is not surprising, since one of the arts at which the NF is
skilled is that of creating the romantic relationship. In fact, the term sex would seem somehow crude
when used in discussing the NF; love better captures their appreciation of the physical relationship. Both
the NF female and male respond to their mates with sympathy, tenderness, and frequent, passionate
expressions of love, both verbal and nonverbal. Possessing facility with language. NFs are able too
express nuances of emotions that may escape other types. NFs are not afraid of using poetry, that may
escape other types. NFs are not afraid of using poetry, music, and quotations to enhance their courting
relationships: the romantic developments in the lives of NFs thrive on receiving these tokens of affection
and dedication. NFs have a flair for dramatizing their courtships, making each the perfect love. A
storybook flavor permeates their courtship behavior. The NF suitor is certain he will live happily ever
after, and transmits this certainty to the object of romantic pursuit. The ideal of the perfect love that will
never die motivates the NFs in their search of a partner who can relate spiritually as well as physically.
They strive to be authentic lovers capable of sustaining deep intimacy. Seeing their identity as mate is a
major part of their personality.
Just as the possible rather than the actual lures NFs in other parts of their lives, so do the possibilities in
relationships inspire them. When a relationship is being established, the recipient of the NF's attention is
apt to be the center of his world. The pursuit is given almost single-minded attention and no effort is
spared in the wooing. An undying love is in the offing, and once the physical relationship is
consummated (for a male NF) or the words of love spoken (for a female NF) the relationship will be
blessed with romantic bliss. Both NF males and females are likely to be blind to any flaws in their
beloved in the early stages of a romance. Life will be happy ever after (although the details of this happy
ever after are usually not explored in depth). The romantic gesture and the idealization of the
relationship are characteristic of the courting behaviors of the NF. The dream is sometimes preferred to
reality. At times the fantasy of the sexual encounter cannot survive the reality of consummation,
especially for the male NF.
Sex
It appears female NFs are more able to sustain the depth of romanticism involved with a relationship
longer than male NFs. Once the physical side of the relationship is acted out, the male NF can lose
interest and turn to pursue the impossible dream of a larger than life, giant-screen goddess who will be
Madonna, mistress, lover, whore, mother, daughter, and wife. His real-life mate is not always able to
measure up. The NF male, in hot pursuit, is likely to express a love which is undying but which can
vanish all to soon in the harsh light of the morning after. The female NF does not demonstrate this
characteristic; rather, she is likely to increase her dedication after the physical relationship is
consummated. She becomes more and more devoted, continuing to romanticize the relationship and
believe in its perfection. To give small transactions profound significance, to dramatize the interactions
with her mate, to be willing to die for love. She seems seldom disappointed in the sexual act; orgasmic
response on her part is seen as inconsequential compared to the pleasure of giving pleasure to her mate.
What matters is that he is fulfilled and satisfied. For the male NF, ennui can set in as a result of
familiarity; for the female NF, this is not as likely to happen. The SP can say, and mean, with Dorothy
Parker, “I’ll be true as long as you, and not a moment after…,†the female NF is more likely to have as a
part of her mating identity the image of falling in love once and for a lifetime. The fact that his does not
always work out does not negate the possibility of the dream coming true. Fortunately, both male and
female NFs have a capacity for deep affection and caring over and above sexual expression, and out of
this capacity can grow a lasting, satisfactory relationship.
In the last decade or so a curious phenomenon has occurred, perhaps arising from the female NFs
characteristic of maintaining her romantic dream even in the face of a contradictory reality. The group
that spearheaded the sexual revolution were the female NFs. It has been the female NFs who have said
“NO†to the double sexual (and other) standards. It has been the female NFs who have been most
militant in demanding equal orgasmic rights. It has been the female NFs who have decided that they are
not sure they will be true, even as long as their male partners. Somehow female NFs have decided that
their vision of a better, more satisfactory mating relationship can be actualized. They seem willing, in
ever growing numbers, to take whatever risks are necessary to find that relationship, either in or out of a
legal contract. In fact, more and more the NF females seem reluctant to tie themselves down to a legal
arrangement, putting off the urgings of their housemates, asking that both wait until she is sure she is
doing the right thing. More and more NF females seem to be willing to bear their children outside a legal
arrangement and to raise them alone. This is not to say that other types are not also involved in this
movement, but it is the NFs, along with a limited number of NT females, who provide the vanguard of the
revolution. Instead of being ready and willing to die for love, the current NF female seems to be willing
to live for the possibility of a better way of relating to mates.
Interpersonal
Both male and female NFs are likely to be charming mates, and a source of continuing warmth, support,
and understanding. They are usually ready to lend sympathy to a mate when the outside world turns
hostile and are not apt to use that moment to point out the errors of a mate’s ways, something which
other types might be tempted to do. The NFs are generally skilled socially, and people usually feel
wanted and well-hosted in their homes. They often are experts in the ar ts of appreciation, especially in
the area of personal characteristics, and they are apt to be generous in expressing these appreciations to
their mate. It is probably the NF who is the most loving, dedicated, affectionate, appreciative mate, and
is unstinting in the expression of these emotions, both to mate and to children. Their conversations,
particularly those of extraverted NFs, are apt to be sprinkled with terms of endearment, especially in
private. The NF can be as extravagant as an SP when expressing love through the media of gifts, but the
NF is more than likely to present the gift in private, and select with extraordinary care something with
special or even symbolic meaning. NFs, both male and female, usually remember birthdays,
anniversaries, and the like without being prompted, or at most needing only a hint. If, in turn, the NFs’
milestones are not heeded, they are deeply hurt, as deeply as they are appreciative when theirs are
noticed.
Although NFs, especially the male NF, become restless if others (including mates, children, or parents)
are dependent, NFs have in their own personality characteristics that promote this dependency. They
pride themselves on being sensitive to others and caring about them. It is almost impossible for NFs to be
unaware of others’ psychological needs. Yet the NF becomes restless when these ties begin to bind, as
they do when the amount of emotional input becomes a psychological overload for the NF. At this point
the NF can seem cruel, insisting unexpectedly that the other “stand on his own two feet.†This shift in
attitude is usually abrupt and the person who heretofore believed that he was very special in the eyes of
the NF now finds himself apparently rejected. The NF does not mean to be unkind; he or she is simply
disconnecting a relationship which can no longer be handled – in spite of the reality that the NF created
this dependent relationship through expressions of empathy and unique understanding. Building
empathic relationships is second nature to this temperament, a master of the art of intimacy. But as
those around the NF want more and more attention, more and more expressions of this unusual
appreciation, more and more signals of deep affection, the NF seemed promised; the ideal love, the
perfect friendship, complete understanding, and total acceptance.
The NF is vulnerable to this kind of misunderstanding because of his extraordinary capabilities to
interject. He can take into himself the point of view, the emotions, and the psychological state of another
so completely that the other feels totally received. The other person may not realize that the NF does this
in most relationships, and may be hurt on discovering that he is not valued as uniquely as he first
thought. When the NF leaves each person, the NF no longer resonates to that person, but relates to the
person now present. Understandably, this can cause some difficulty in the mating relationship for mates
who want this characteristic to be exercised more exclusively; the NF may not know how not to respond
to the emotional demands of others.
Social
A danger an NF faces in his intimate relationships is that he will move from relationship to relationship
rather than making the necessary effort to develop those already existing. The NF’s tendency to
experience anticipation as more attractive than consummation can cause him to use his energies pursuing
the dream at the expense of what is actually available. Once an NF believes that he or she knows all there
is to know about another, disinterest sets in; restlessness and a sense of boredom develop. NFs, as do
other types, want a certain amount of variety and change in their lives. Other types, however, may seek
this through intellectual pursuits, adjustment of living routines, vacations, and new activities. The NF is
most vulnerable to seeking this through searching out new relationships, more often than not at the
expense of deepening those already existing.
A quality an NF can bring to intimate relationships is an extraordinary sensitivity and ability to
communicate emotionally. In the affective areas the NF is without equal. No other type is as sympathetic
to others as is the NF. As mates they can be a source of warmth, appreciation, and support which other
types have difficulty emulating.
Domestic
After the honeymoon is over, the mate of an NF can feel let down when the reality of living with the NF
may be in some contrast with what was anticipated. The discovery by the mate that the NF is, after all,
less than perfect often results in feelings of resentment ill-deserved by the NF, but nonetheless real. NF
mates themselves are in a dilemma. They are caught up in the romanticized expectations of the
psychological and sexual experience generated in their own perceptions and encouraged by others. The
fantasy is more than likely to be exaggerated by both the NF and the mate, and it is a common experience
for NFs to express that anticipation was more delightful than consummation. The actual sexual act, in
particular, can be less than anticipated, for, more often than not, the NF’s romantic nature will not allow
him or her to acquire sexual expertise through study. Rather they see themselves as somehow supposed
to know the appropriate loving and tender approach intuitively. Consulting scientific studies is seen as
cold an objective and somehow destructive. Thus, the actual sexual relationship may be a let down
initially and a disappointment to both partners until both acquire the necessary competency.
Although NFs are almost hypersensitive to the moods of their mates, especially if they are also introverts;
they may not always be willing to deal positively with the other’s emotional reactions. NFs report that
they find their own emotional circuits often so overloaded with their own concerns that they cannot deal
with the emotional experiences of others who are especially close to them, particularly when experiences
involve conflict and hurt. Thus, the mates of NFs can see their mates responding to relative strangers
with a degree of warmth and acceptance that may not be available to them.
As parents, NFs are sensitive to the viewpoint of their children, sometimes to the point of siding with
them in a way which reinforces the youngsters’ antisocial, self-defeating behaviors. An NF parent, for
example, can rush to rescue a child from consequences of his wrongdoing and, in the process, not permit
the child to develop necessary skills which he needs to deal with the realities of a less protective world.
NF mates may have difficulty de taching themselves from their jobs or social demands in order to
preserve time for family. In this the NF is like the SP. They have some difficulty saying “no†to
attractive offers and thus may neglect priorities. Whoever is there and demanding time gets it, even
though other may be waiting elsewhere.
And yeah, there ya go.
