[ENFP] ENFP's idealist view of INTJs

[alovestorm]

Is it common for ENFP's to be attracted to INTJs in so long as they look "perfect" to the ENFP? Is the INTJ's goal for self-perfection what attracts ENFPs?

I dated an ENFP, who gradually became my harshest critic after we were not dating. He disliked that I was changing, taking risks, and moving forward (dating etc) which I understand to a certain extent because maybe he was jealous, insecure etc. But overall, it hurt me deeply to see his clear inability to respect the fact that I was human, needed to grow up on my own and was prone to discovering my own faults and make mistakes. For this ENFP I was "his perfect girl" now imperfect, which bothers the deepest part of me no matter how much I try to ignore it.

 

[Thalassa]

Sounds like he was just jealous and not over you, that's all.

 

[ilovelurking]

+1

What marm said.

I had a colleague who is a male ENFP. I'm big on self-improvement and have big ideas on what to do with my life whereas he was contented with whatever he had for himself and whoever I was. He wanted to date me and I refused. Up until now we have never kept contact. He even changed his phone number.

 

[RDF]

Sounds like the guy was a control freak. Sounds like he wanted to freeze you in time and space (no more dating) even after he and you were over.

If that's the case, then you're well rid of him. Who needs onlookers deciding for you whether you're perfect or imperfect, especially when by your own definition you're still growing and changing and getting out in the world?

 

[Malkavia]

Seems more like an insecure male problem and not really an MBTI problem.

ENFPs, at their best, are supposed to be enthusiastic and supporting.

 

[Starry]

I need to agree with all that was said here before. I've got more ENFPs in my life than I know what to do with...and I have never, ever heard of anything like this. This is, obviously, not to say that an ENFP couldn't behave like this...but of all the types...well...something just doesn't ring totally true. An ENFPs 'after-break-up' behavior is pretty predictable imo. You either will never see them again...or...if they want you back...they will be putting on the ENFP charm +100. Once back in the relationship...once they were comfortable...some complaining may come out...but it would be unusual to do this after a break up. Are you absolutely positive of type? BTW...I love INTJs.

 

[Thalassa]

I need to agree with all that was said here before. I've got more ENFPs in my life than I know what to do with...and I have never, ever heard of anything like this. This is, obviously, not to say that an ENFP couldn't behave like this...but of all the types...well...something just doesn't ring totally true. An ENFPs 'after-break-up' behavior is pretty predictable imo. You either will never see them again...or...if they want you back...they will be putting on the ENFP charm +100. Once back in the relationship...once they were comfortable...some complaining may come out...but it would be unusual to do this after a break up. Are you absolutely positive of type? BTW...I love INTJs.

You don't think that if they're still friends or acquaintences - on speaking terms - and he wants her but can't have her back he couldn't express any sour grapes, bitterness, or jealousy as an ENFP? Why is that?

Do you think INFP is more likely?

I'm just curious as to why you think an ENFP couldn't show cattiness. I think any human being could, but I'm interested in what your theory might be.

 

[Lady_X]

seems odd to me...enfps in my experience usually handle break ups well...in the sense that they would be happy for you and encourage you to move on...even being totally fine and cool being friends but i admit my sample size isn't that big.

 

[Moiety]

He probably was having a hard time dealing with the fact he loved you and now all of a sudden you are a completely different person in his eyes. Identity isn't extremely fluid to ENFPs, we usually pride ourselves on staying true to ourselves and all that jazz...so it can be quite painful to perceive drastic changes on someone who is close to us.

 

[Starry]

You don't think that if they're still friends or acquaintences - on speaking terms - and he wants her but can't have her back he couldn't express any sour grapes, bitterness, or jealousy as an ENFP? Why is that?

Do you think INFP is more likely?

I'm just curious as to why you think an ENFP couldn't show cattiness. I think any human being could, but I'm interested in what your theory might be.

No...I did say in my post "This is, obviously, not to say that an ENFP couldn't behave like this..."

Why I wanted to know if the OP was convinced of Type is because I do feel it is less likely for an ENFP to complain after a break-up. An ENFP scorned...is likely to disappear. Disappear after handing out a few choice words...but disappear all the same. An ENFP set on winning back their ex...will probably use charm as oppose to harsh treatment. I could also see an ENFP using manipulation...but not necessarily abusive manipulation when trying to win someone back.

But I do understand your point. Maybe he wants her back but doesn't think he will ever get her back so he 'attacks' her 'current character'. Still...I have a hard time seeing an ENFP doing this. 1.) ENFPs idealize the object of their affection. 2.) ENFPs tend to forget all the 'bad'...only remember the good in relationships - post relationship. And 3.) ENFPs tend to be future thinkers with short attention spans...they have a low tolerance for prolonged negativity. I can't just see them sticking around ripping on someone that they are not in a declared relationship with.

Again...there is ALWAYS an exception to the rule. Always.

 

[Starry]

seems odd to me...enfps in my experience usually handle break ups well...in the sense that they would be happy for you and encourage you to move on...even being totally fine and cool being friends but i admit my sample size isn't that big.

Great comment, as always X.

I'm basically friends with every dude I have ever dated. There is one that got the 'ENFP doorslam'...but the rest of them are still in my life on some level. As they have changed...I've been happy for them...even during the time I held out hope we would be together again. But also...as ENFP...I can always 'catch glimpses of the whole'. In other words...no matter how much they change (and my P says bring-it)...I can always see them. They always are still the same to me.

 

[skylights]

eh, i dunno, maybe i'm not as good a person as you guys, but i've been kind of nasty without really meaning to in the past. it was due to jealousy and hurt because i wasn't over the other person and i didn't understand how they could move on so fast.

i think it's hard to really judge the situation without really knowing how you broke up, etc., but if you broke up with him, i can see him just being sad and hurt and jealous, and not over you. if he's like me, then his antagonism is not as much about you being his perfect girl as much as it's about you both being good together and him being heartbroken and hurt that you can move on so (relatively) quickly and easily. like, the other person seems perfect and you don't understand what happened. so you try to see faults in them to protect yourself, but the fact is, you're still completely in love.

Sounds like the guy was a control freak. Sounds like he wanted to freeze you in time and space (no more dating) even after he and you were over.

yes to freezing, no to control freak. i don't think it's about control, because have you really ever met a consistently controlling ENFP? i think he's still in love with her and is having trouble letting go.

But also...as ENFP...I can always 'catch glimpses of the whole'. In other words...no matter how much they change (and my P says bring-it)...I can always see them. They always are still the same to me.

which ends up being part of the problem, really. i can still see myself with exes. i do think that the idealism is sort of a problem in that we can always see the best in people but we can't always grasp that things aren't going to work out between ourselves and others in practicality. it's a NeFi problem. too much seeing of future possibility and loving of the other person to easily let go, and then realizing you're hurting but not being able to deal with that because you won't let go of the possibility because you know it exists, and you won't let go of loving the other person because you believe in people's goodness deep down.

well that hurts to admit

 

[Emectar]

I have to admit, i definetely idealize INTJ's. I have one friend, (same sex) who's one and i tend to see him as a perfect human being, that is, everything i want to be.
On those rare occasions when he does something i don't like, i am far too horrified and upset by it. I'm not sure what it is about INTJ's that i find so awesome and baffling but i think it is clearly a flaw, and that being more grounded in my understanding of them would help me have a more fair view of them when they are 'imperfect'.