I sometimes feel pretty cursed by the NF thing because I don't just want, I require, an all-systems fusion. Add that to a weird peculiarity in my attractions plus my need to be sure of what I'm seeing (which entails some passage of time to get to know him better), and you have "alone forever" lurking at the end of the equation.
My older sister tried to push me into various practical arrangements. She's a very cut-and-dry ST and she honestly meant well, but she was coming at it from her perspective. She told me she'd LIKE to marry for love, but it wasn't necessary. I was astonished when she said that. I mean, I see her point, but I couldn't ever see myself marrying for anything other than love. If I did, it would be a desperate maneuver and the man involved would be relegated to caretaker status, which I KNOW isn't what a man wants out of me. She told me that I would just have to get over my "idealism" and stop behaving like I've got the time to burn and the choice to be attracted.
Maybe I don't. Maybe she was right.
But it doesn't change the nuts and bolts of the matter for an NF like me. I'd be miserable married to someone that I wasn't all-in for.
Honestly, I can relate to nearly all of this. I find I can go through endless loops in my head when I try to figure out what I want out of a relationship, but it really boils down to what you've written. I run into problems when I try to view my relationships as being, or needing, any less than the above, and the bottom line is that I don't WANT a relationship that is less than 'all-systems' fusion. I don't see the 'point' of it. So I won't enter one if I don't already see a lot of potential, on MANY levels -- one of which is physical attraction - the presence or absence of which is what distinguishes between partner and friend. And chemistry to me = emotional/intellectual/interaction being excellent, which exponentially adds to the attraction. Chemistry is like..interactive attraction. hahaha.
And I certainly wouldn't marry for less than a deep love and respect for the person, and my thinking we're both on similar pages as far as journeying through life -- which is something you cannot force. It's either there, or it's not. Anything less would be meaningless for me....
If I wasn't attracted to the person, I would be their friend. That's just how it would be. Since I can be emotionally incredibly close to my friends, I don't see how elevating that to a romantic level, just for the sake of it, would make it any better...if the attraction isn't there. It would make it worse for me, and I'd feel unauthentic, and I think it would be a disservice to the other person too, because my feelings/desires would never be truly there. I could envision resentment or mismatched expectations/conflicting needs looming down the road in this scenario....
I am also curious how many people who are already married, or already in a happy relationship, are not physically attracted to their significant other. Of course no one would really admit it, but... It seems that the people who try to say 'you don't have to be attracted, it's not important' are the ones who ARE in relationships.
Are THEY (or were they) all unattracted to their spouses/significant others, and when they married them, did they find them unattractive or were they totally lacking in chemistry? ;-) I somehow doubt it.
Attraction IS in the eye of the beholder...and I've mentioned elsewhere that attraction can work in funny ways -- that someone who might have initially been attractive becomes *really* unattractive to me if I cannot make any sort of emotional/intellectual/spiritual connection with him. And those other levels, if present, indeed make someone all the more attractive in my eyes.
