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  1. #1
    Senior Member INTPness's Avatar
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    Default ENFP/INTP friendships

    I became very close with an ENFP woman once - we became best friends and it resulted in a lot of heartache when the feelings she developed were unrequited. And to be quite honest, I really miss our friendship - we got along that well! So in the end, both of us ended up feeling like we lost something.

    Well, recently I met a girl who I quickly recognized as an ENFP. I invited her to hang out (this is off-the-charts rare for me to do), but specifically told her that I just think it would be fun to hang out - it's not a "date". I'm strictly interested in hanging out with someone with whom I know I can have some good conversations with and the shared Ne makes for a great time. Well, we went out and now I'm getting the 5-10 texts a day wondering what I'm up to and if she can come over (???), bring me cookies, etc. As much as I had a blast hanging out with her, I'm just not interested in all that stuff with her. It's difficult because as an INTP, I love picking her brain and having the deep, connecting conversations and I think that plays into her internal "soft spot", but I only say that based on experience with the previous ENFP.

    ENFP's, how can I slow this train down and keep it going at a very slow and comfortable pace? I'd love to ease into a friendship with her - at an introverts pace, but I don't want her coming over and having to respond to all of these texts. Is she just excited about the new friendship or is this a sign that she's "idealizing me" already? If she is idealizing should I just pull away completely since I'm not interested in her a romantic way? I just want to keep it simple, innocent, and fun.

    "This is not a date" is pretty blunt and straightforward, right? Do I need to have "the talk" very early in the friendship? Thoughts, comments, suggestions? I'd love to have her as a friend!
    NTJ's are the only types that have ever made me feel emo.
    ENP's are the only types that have ever made me feel like a sensor.


    There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why. --William Barclay

  2. #2
    meinmeinmein! mmhmm's Avatar
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    i like honesty and value clarity. sometimes to cut through the excitement,
    i need the brutal kind. you know, nothing like a rude
    awakening for a message to get through.

    i say this often to people i become friends with, and when
    i get into my excited mode, to not freak them out: and
    prevent any one sided feelings.
    there is without doubt a certain connection between us.
    but i have no romantic feelings for you and i don´t see us
    as a couple any time in the future.


    i hate being reactive in matters like this.

    and if they still don't get it. bye!
    who wants pansy people for friends!
    every normal man must be tempted, at times,
    to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag,
    and begin slitting throats.
    h.l. mencken

  3. #3
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Do I need to have "the talk" very early in the friendship?
    YES.


    i say this because that warm close ENFPy connection that others talk about (esp enneagram sx/so), we feel it too, and sometimes it's easy to slip into being convinced that this happiness we're feeling with you is what we want, all the time, and that it'll make us really happy. and, well, it might. and we would like that now, plz. but if it doesn't make you happy, then that's no good. cutting off and saying no up front stops Ne from going wild and finding loopholes and interpreting signs and generally seeking for a means to fulfill Fi's lovey dovey prophecy. i think she'd find it cute and funny if she doesn't actually like you, but it's really important if she does. that's why i would err to the side of saying something. you don't really have anything to lose by saying something, maybe just her being a little disappointed and/or laughing at you, but you might lose a chance for a normal friendship if you don't. i mean she still might fall for you - not like any human can really help that - but at least she'll try to restrain herself.

    (sidenote - if you by chance might develop feelings later, you'll have open to the fact that she may have moved on since then. can't really have it both ways :/ )

    Well, we went out and now I'm getting the 5-10 texts a day wondering what I'm up to and if she can come over (???), bring me cookies, etc.
    lol, well. my best friend (totally platonic) and i probably send around 20 texts a day. sometimes way more. we also used to see each other like more than once a day, on a normal basis. we're both extraverts, though, and she's Fe dom, so it worked out nicely. i usually hang out/communicate with my introverted friends and family much less... it's so weird to me that i generally know more about what's going on with her than my INTP family members that i live with!
    Last edited by skylights; 10-19-2010 at 12:26 AM. Reason: clarification

  4. #4
    Senior Member ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
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    Just explain that you prefer your friendships to progress slower than it's going. If she cares about the friendship she'll back off.

    I think sometimes ENF's either forget or don't remember that other types need different things from relationships than ENF's give sometimes.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Rachelinpa's Avatar
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    i have an intp friend who lately has been wanting to hang out with me. this is very odd to me... we've always been friends... but he has NEVER been one to initiate. i was beginning to wonder about his interest in me since this was so out of character for him.

    however,i figured out he wasn't interested when he started talking about other girls and asked for my advice. now, i know that's not a SURE sign that he's not interested, but close enough for me. can you talk about other girls with her? i'd say that was the nice way of him saying, "this is not a date." oh, also, he told me that he tried to get his other roommates to come out with us, which again implies that he is only interested in friendship.

    to be clearer... i think this is great:

    there is without doubt a certain connection between us.
    but i have no romantic feelings for you and i don´t see us
    as a couple any time in the future.
    i would LOVE to be told that. it acknowledges the connection and that the relationship is special (affirmation) AND clarifies it for both parties (so i can adjust without feeling rejected).

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by INTPness View Post
    I became very close with an ENFP woman once - we became best friends and it resulted in a lot of heartache when the feelings she developed were unrequited. And to be quite honest, I really miss our friendship - we got along that well! So in the end, both of us ended up feeling like we lost something.

    Well, recently I met a girl who I quickly recognized as an ENFP. I invited her to hang out (this is off-the-charts rare for me to do), but specifically told her that I just think it would be fun to hang out - it's not a "date". I'm strictly interested in hanging out with someone with whom I know I can have some good conversations with and the shared Ne makes for a great time. Well, we went out and now I'm getting the 5-10 texts a day wondering what I'm up to and if she can come over (???), bring me cookies, etc. As much as I had a blast hanging out with her, I'm just not interested in all that stuff with her. It's difficult because as an INTP, I love picking her brain and having the deep, connecting conversations and I think that plays into her internal "soft spot", but I only say that based on experience with the previous ENFP.ENFP's, how can I slow this train down and keep it going at a very slow and comfortable pace? I'd love to ease into a friendship with her - at an introverts pace, but I don't want her coming over and having to respond to all of these texts. Is she just excited about the new friendship or is this a sign that she's "idealizing me" already? If she is idealizing should I just pull away completely since I'm not interested in her a romantic way? I just want to keep it simple, innocent, and fun. "This is not a date" is pretty blunt and straightforward, right? Do I need to have "the talk" very early in the friendship? Thoughts, comments, suggestions? I'd love to have her as a friend!
    Hi INTPness. I'm reaching here since I'm an INFP but I recently spent some time with an ENFP male and could sense that instant connection that I know well with ENFPs. I would suggest not assuming that she's idealizing you. She might be but then again, she might just enjoy the connection as much as you. I would say, give it a little more time and see what happens. Saying something now might put her off and you would lose the connection you already value. And she would lose it as well. If, after a little more time, you feel that she's developing feelings or expecting more , than you could say something like mmhmm suggests. Also, NFs are more hard-bitten than others might realize. I might appear to idealize but what I see is the best in a person, what I love most. I don't overlook the shadows but I prefer to look at the light, if it's someone with whom their particular shadows don't matter all that much.

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