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  1. #31
    Junior Member stellachiara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mochajava View Post
    Seems like the INFJs concur. To summarize:
    1) Say something (kindly)
    2) Do it in writing.
    3) Ask questions about what happened.
    Very much agreed!

  2. #32
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    subtle like a pink elephant

  3. #33
    Junior Member stellachiara's Avatar
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    What shade of pink are we talking about here?

  4. #34
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    stellachiara Telling me my feelings or needs are wrong or not to be taken seriously is pretty much grounds for a cutoff, and the older I get, the quicker I will do it.
    Right on! I think more of us need to consider cutting off or at least very quickly raise the issue of someone tells us our feelings or needs are wrong. I have something similar happening with my sister right now. Good to know that standing your ground paid off.

  5. #35
    Member Evi's Avatar
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    I think I also normally err on the too subtle side, for fear of hurting the other person, but then often enough I blow up and end up hurting them anyway which really doesn't work. But I think/hope I'm a bit better at expressing myself than I used to be.
    I also agree with saying something kindly in writing to ask about a doorslam. There are a few people that I have shut out that I would really like to have contact me and ask me why we don't talk anymore, because I actually care about them a great deal. But it was far to much of a one-sided friendship and I don't think they really cared that much. On the other hand there is someone I have truly doorslamed but they keep sticking their fingers under the door and I'd love to chop them off. They have repeatedly demonstrated that their behavior has not changed, nor do they think it needs to change and refuse to consider the possibility that they are very, very wrong. I really wish they would leave me alone but they won't.

  6. #36
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Evi View Post
    There are a few people that I have shut out that I would really like to have contact me and ask me why we don't talk anymore, because I actually care about them a great deal. But it was far to much of a one-sided friendship and I don't think they really cared that much.
    Yeah, I hear you on this. It's a sad situation, but if they don't even care enough to make contact and redress the balance of the friendship somewhat, perhaps it's for the best.
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  7. #37
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Why do you think many of us on this thread end up in one-sided relationships? Is it just something that happens from time to time? Or a consequence of some shared tendency?

  8. #38
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mochajava View Post
    Why do you think many of us on this thread end up in one-sided relationships? Is it just something that happens from time to time? Or a consequence of some shared tendency?
    Not sure I can speak for all INFJs...but personally...I just end up feeling like a sad needy individual who automatically invests more in friendships, potential relationships, and actual relationships than the other person will ever bother to do with me.

    Unfortunately, it can make you feel like you're just not worth much of other people's investments.

    sorry...having a down day
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  9. #39
    Member Evi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Yeah, I hear you on this. It's a sad situation, but if they don't even care enough to make contact and redress the balance of the friendship somewhat, perhaps it's for the best.
    Yes at the moment I would say it's for the best. I feel more or less ok with that situation.

    I seem to end up in a lot of one sided friendships, either me caring more about them than they do or trying to distance myself from someone I really don't like but respect enough to not be their friend, because it wouldn't be real, I'd be faking it. Does that makes any sense?
    I don't really know why it happens, I think other people would say it's because I'm not very open.

  10. #40
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Evi and Silkroad, I have got to say that you are being hard on yourselves -- Evi, I think you're probably open enough, but it makes sense to close off a few things, just for the sake of balance and sanity. Like a budget or bank account, our energy stores are limited. If you were running a deficit in either of those areas, you'd see what you could stop spending on, right? Same is true here... so distancing from someone you're not friends with but don't want to waste your precious I-for-introverted social energies on (not said sarcastically at all, I promise!) seems perfectly logical and healthy to me. I think other people do this all the time, but without second-guessing themselves like INFJs often do.

    And Silkroad -- I definitely understand how you feel! I was new in town last year (grad program), and I really reached out to several women, but it felt like they weren't returning it. And then I stopped reaching out. And they never reached out. Then something like tension ensued. Now I only hear from them when they want something (favors, job contacts, rides, other information), and it hurts like hell if I think about it. I guess it's important to remember that even with a few "defeats" you, as a full being, can still be a "success". Some of those come just because of ... probability. Randomness. Nothing to do with you. What I'm saying is that even in the case of these women last year, it's not necessarily the case that I caused them some great aversion (combined with giving off a huge doormat vibe). I mean, it MIGHT be, but most likely it's not. I say that judging by the fact that there are many other successful, mutual relationships in my life (though family is not one! ).

    Please forgive me for jumping in and giving advice, but when I see people being extra-tough on themselves, it kind of presses a button and it's hard for me to hold back. So I apologize if this was not useful for you at all, but though I would take the risk of sharing just in case it was.

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