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  1. #1
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Default Are INFJs just presumptuous...?

    I’ve posted a couple of threads about this particular situation in the last couple of months. It’s a long story but I told a friend (a guy who I also had feelings for for a long time) that I could no longer deal with his issues, effectively – the way he was constantly saying one thing and doing another (and I mean constantly, over the four years I’ve known him). I told him I still wanted to maintain the friendship and even offered to in some specific ways but that it was best for him to speak with others if he needed to about his confusion and decisions he needed to make, because speaking to me didn’t seem to be helping him, and it certainly wasn’t doing me any good.

    I didn’t say “I can’t deal with your issues”, by the way. I tried my very best to be kind and diplomatic. I asked him to forgive me if I was misunderstanding him or being condescending. I did enumerate the ways that he has said one thing and done another, but tried not to do it in an accusatory way. Just mainly so he could understand what I was upset about. And I offered to maintain the friendship. His response sounded slightly apologetic (“I have a lot to work on, I haven’t been good with personal relationships”) but also petulant (“I thought in an open friendship it was about sharing thoughts and feelings…I guess not.”) Although I wrote back to him and said I still wanted to be his friend, I have not heard from him again.

    I thought I was moving past the whole thing but I noticed something stupid the other day, he’d untagged a photo of just him and me on FB. (We are still friends on FB but there has been no contact - it's close to two months now.) And not because it was a bad photo of him, I don’t think (it definitely wasn’t.) It upset me, stupid I know, but it did, and kind of brought me back to the sad feelings I had about the whole thing.

    I also wondering…as an INFJ…am I just being presumptuous when I do something like this? Is it just some sad impulse to lecture people? Is it a really bizarre thing to contact someone and say “I still want to be friends with you, but for x y and z reasons I don’t want to talk about your personal issues and confusion any more?” Would that seems really weird and nonsensical to a lot of people? (I think he’s an ESFP. Definitely ESxx).

    I don’t know. I went to a social occasion the other week where there were many of our mutual friends. He wasn’t there, which I was somewhat grateful for. I think it will be awkward at best now, unless we patch things up again – and we’ve just done that so many times and something always seems to happen again. But I got a bit paranoid. I could be totally speculating but I thought a couple of the people who he is good friends with were a bit funny with me. So maybe he had told them something. Totally speculating, but I wonder. And I wonder what his version would be… “Silkroad decided she was too good for me? She abandoned me? She’s not a loyal friend?”

    Really…part of me thinks I did the only thing I could. And part of me thinks, maybe INFJs are just presumptuous assholes. And maybe I'm not a loyal friend, though I think most of my other friends would say I am.

    Anyone have comments on this and perhaps specific situations?
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  2. #2
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Anyone have comments on this and perhaps specific situations?
    Any interaction you have with this asshat is a losing scenario for you.
    He is likely a low grade sociopath, or at least an emotional vampire.

    So what if he deleted a photo tag on Facebook, thank goodness!

    If you put worth into such trivial matters, you empower them to harm you.

    If you've told him that you're willing to associate with him so long as he does not go into details about his (fukt) personal life, and he's got an issue with that, then that is HIS PROBLEM.

    You might need to tell this guy to piss off.
    Beleaguring that is only keeping you in a state of spinning your wheels, in my opinion.

    Thoughts?



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  3. #3
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    I have kind of noticed a few people complain that that INFJs "bail out" when the going gets tough. I have also seen INFJs hang in there way longer than they should have..
    So this is a tough call

  4. #4
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    Like all other messiahs, INFJs can have a bit of presumption yes, but I think that that word presumptuous is too often associated with negative connotations.

    1 - "Love is the answer"
    2 - Fuck you, presumptuous bastard. Who are you to know? That is YOUR opinion. Who are you to give me advice when not asked? etc
    1 -

  5. #5
    Senior Member Trentham's Avatar
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    Interesting question since I've had a number of INFJ friends over the years. I wouldn't say that INFJs are particularly presumptuous, but they do seem to be very frank and up front about anything that bothers them on an interpersonal level, diplomacy be damned. It can be a bit jarring to those who aren't as forward in the way they deal with others.

    That said - you did nothing wrong in dealing with this guy in an honest manner. It sounds like he's got a good bit of growing up to do.
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  6. #6
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Halla74 View Post
    Any interaction you have with this asshat is a losing scenario for you.
    He is likely a low grade sociopath, or at least an emotional vampire.

    So what if he deleted a photo tag on Facebook, thank goodness!

    If you put worth into such trivial matters, you empower them to harm you.

    If you've told him that you're willing to associate with him so long as he does not go into details about his (fukt) personal life, and he's got an issue with that, then that is HIS PROBLEM.

    You might need to tell this guy to piss off.
    Beleaguring that is only keeping you in a state of spinning your wheels, in my opinion.

    Thoughts?



    -Halla
    Nah...you're right. Totally right. It really bugs me that something like that sets me off balance when I thought I was pretty much ok with the situation...and yeah, I've wasted way too much emotional energy on this person.

    I guess it made me wonder though if it was weird of me to say "we can still be friends, but I have to put these conditions on it"...etc etc. It seems to be relatively normal for INFJs to do this. I just wonder if it makes us look psycho.
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  7. #7
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    I have kind of noticed a few people complain that that INFJs "bail out" when the going gets tough. I have also seen INFJs hang in there way longer than they should have..
    So this is a tough call
    I think when we bail, we do it big time. LIke, we make an announcement. But by then we have probably hung in there too long already so things get a bit dramatic...

    dammit, I am not going to feel bad about this. I did my best...and probably shouldn't even have bothered.
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  8. #8
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    I think it puts more structure on the friendship than most people are willing to maintain and still call it a friendship. But I understand where you're coming from.

  9. #9
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I would tell you to let it go, but that would make me such a hypocrite!
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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  10. #10
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Tiltyred View Post
    I think it puts more structure on the friendship than most people are willing to maintain and still call it a friendship. But I understand where you're coming from.
    I admit that it might well be the case that if you feel the need to put those kind of strictures on it, it has become a friendship no longer worth maintaining for anyone...
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