I’ve posted a couple of threads about this particular situation in the last couple of months. It’s a long story but I told a friend (a guy who I also had feelings for for a long time) that I could no longer deal with his issues, effectively – the way he was constantly saying one thing and doing another (and I mean constantly, over the four years I’ve known him). I told him I still wanted to maintain the friendship and even offered to in some specific ways but that it was best for him to speak with others if he needed to about his confusion and decisions he needed to make, because speaking to me didn’t seem to be helping him, and it certainly wasn’t doing me any good.
I didn’t say “I can’t deal with your issues”, by the way. I tried my very best to be kind and diplomatic. I asked him to forgive me if I was misunderstanding him or being condescending. I did enumerate the ways that he has said one thing and done another, but tried not to do it in an accusatory way. Just mainly so he could understand what I was upset about. And I offered to maintain the friendship. His response sounded slightly apologetic (“I have a lot to work on, I haven’t been good with personal relationships”) but also petulant (“I thought in an open friendship it was about sharing thoughts and feelings…I guess not.”) Although I wrote back to him and said I still wanted to be his friend, I have not heard from him again.
I thought I was moving past the whole thing but I noticed something stupid the other day, he’d untagged a photo of just him and me on FB. (We are still friends on FB but there has been no contact - it's close to two months now.) And not because it was a bad photo of him, I don’t think (it definitely wasn’t.) It upset me, stupid I know, but it did, and kind of brought me back to the sad feelings I had about the whole thing.
I also wondering…as an INFJ…am I just being presumptuous when I do something like this? Is it just some sad impulse to lecture people? Is it a really bizarre thing to contact someone and say “I still want to be friends with you, but for x y and z reasons I don’t want to talk about your personal issues and confusion any more?” Would that seems really weird and nonsensical to a lot of people? (I think he’s an ESFP. Definitely ESxx).
I don’t know. I went to a social occasion the other week where there were many of our mutual friends. He wasn’t there, which I was somewhat grateful for. I think it will be awkward at best now, unless we patch things up again – and we’ve just done that so many times and something always seems to happen again. But I got a bit paranoid. I could be totally speculating but I thought a couple of the people who he is good friends with were a bit funny with me. So maybe he had told them something. Totally speculating, but I wonder. And I wonder what his version would be… “Silkroad decided she was too good for me? She abandoned me? She’s not a loyal friend?”
Really…part of me thinks I did the only thing I could. And part of me thinks, maybe INFJs are just presumptuous assholes. And maybe I'm not a loyal friend, though I think most of my other friends would say I am.
Anyone have comments on this and perhaps specific situations?