Late to the game here, but I had a few thoughts while reading this thread.
I find this very interesting because I've always thought of INFJs (myself included) as being extremely diplomatic and generally overly-accomodating. I think what happens is that we are only frank and up front about things that bother us when we've basically run out of patience. I think a lot of INFJs have basically two modes of communication - super subtle, and painfully blunt. When we're dealing with people who understand subtlety, we can get away with only given small hints about our displeasure and the problem resolves itself. When dealing with people who don't understand subtlety, we become increasing resentful and angry as we feel we are being taken advantage of. That's what leads to the "door slam."Interesting question since I've had a number of INFJ friends over the years. I wouldn't say that INFJs are particularly presumptuous, but they do seem to be very frank and up front about anything that bothers them on an interpersonal level, diplomacy be damned. It can be a bit jarring to those who aren't as forward in the way they deal with others.
Oh boy, is this the truth. In no way would I ever claim to be god's gift to men or a seductress of any kind - in fact, before online dating became more or less standard, my dating life was non-existent. But because I am much more comfortable getting to know people in a one-on-one situation where I can focus my attention on getting to know them, I've unfortunately ended up giving people the impression that I am far more interested in them than I actually am. This has led to some very awkward, and sometimes downright ugly, situations.But XNFJs have this way of making people feel special.. and then making them feel not special. I still haven't quite figured it out.. but I have been on both sides of it. Its confusing and hurtful whichever side you are standing on.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Empathy is a blessing and a curse. A blessing when we can help people through difficulty and leave them feeling better - there we get to feel both their pain and their triumph. But such a curse when someone refuses to accept the kind of help we want to provide. If someone can't put the effort into trying to make themselves feel better, then the pain we experience from being around them is pointless.I do not know about the specific situation, but I have found it hard when a friend comes to me about the same situation for years and won't do anything to actually address the problem. I feel distressed when my friends and loved ones are distressed, so I can understand if they don't really want to change the way they are doing things, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with being repeatedly distressed by something that doesn't distress them enough to do something about, if that makes sense.
I broke up with my long-term boyfriend not too long ago. He seemed unusually OK with it for a few weeks until it finally dawned on me that he was still completely convinced that I was just going through some sort of temporary personal issue and I would come back to him as soon as I was done moping. Not knowing what else to do I finally admitted (which I absolutely never had any intention of doing prior to this point) that I had started dating again and had actually been intimate with another person since our break up. As predicted, he was completely destroyed, and I still feel intensely guilty about it. But I couldn't find any other way of proving to him that I had moved on.Honestly, this is someone who has hurt me many times in many ways...possibly because I left myself vulnerable to it...but still. And this time I had to hurt him - as much as I tried to be kind, diplomatic, reassure him of my friendship etc etc. I say "I had to", I really feel like I did. I didn't see any other option.
Lily flower wrote:
This is a typical problem for INFJs and it relates very much back to several other points made here. I think INFJs have the tendency to fall into an unhealthy relationship pattern that tends to look something like this:Honestly, it doesn't work that way. Either you are there for people and they are your friends, or you do not want to be there for people and they are not your friends.
It's perfectly fine to cut someone out of your life that is causing you problems and you can have some good boundaries with people who are your friends, but don't tell someone everything you don't like about them and expect them to still like you.
Phase 1 - Meet someone and make them feel very special by listening to their problems and just generally exhibiting all of the positive INFJ behaviors.
Phase 2 - Enjoy a honeymoon period in the friendship/relationship whereby the other person loves being around you because you make them feel special and you love the fact that you have made somebody feel wonderful and encourage them to depend on you more and more.
Phase 3 - You get tired of hearing the same problems over and over again with no sense that the other person is actually making any progress in solving these problems. You try to stay supportive but become increasingly irritable as they seem to be ignoring your feelings and wishes. In many cases this is because you have, up until this point, never made any demands whatsoever on the other person, so your subtle requests for space now are being misunderstood or missed completely.
Phase 4 - Get completely fed up and, convinced that they have no respect for your emotional boundaries, completely unload all of your pent of frustrations on the person, not realizing that this seems totally out of the blue to the other person who had no idea that you were getting increasingly frustrated over time.
Phase 5 - Feel incredibly guilty about having hurt someone you care about, you want very badly to go back to the way things were when the other person thought you were wonderful.
In really bad relationships, this can go back to Phase 2 and start cycling all over again. In healthier relationships, INFJs can learn to set boundaries earlier on and enjoy a long and fruitful friendship. Most often people just part ways with regrets on both sides.