User Tag List

First 345

Results 41 to 47 of 47

  1. #41
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    139

    Default

    Late to the game here, but I had a few thoughts while reading this thread.

    Trentham wrote:
    Interesting question since I've had a number of INFJ friends over the years. I wouldn't say that INFJs are particularly presumptuous, but they do seem to be very frank and up front about anything that bothers them on an interpersonal level, diplomacy be damned. It can be a bit jarring to those who aren't as forward in the way they deal with others.
    I find this very interesting because I've always thought of INFJs (myself included) as being extremely diplomatic and generally overly-accomodating. I think what happens is that we are only frank and up front about things that bother us when we've basically run out of patience. I think a lot of INFJs have basically two modes of communication - super subtle, and painfully blunt. When we're dealing with people who understand subtlety, we can get away with only given small hints about our displeasure and the problem resolves itself. When dealing with people who don't understand subtlety, we become increasing resentful and angry as we feel we are being taken advantage of. That's what leads to the "door slam."

    Arclight wrote:
    But XNFJs have this way of making people feel special.. and then making them feel not special. I still haven't quite figured it out.. but I have been on both sides of it. Its confusing and hurtful whichever side you are standing on.
    Oh boy, is this the truth. In no way would I ever claim to be god's gift to men or a seductress of any kind - in fact, before online dating became more or less standard, my dating life was non-existent. But because I am much more comfortable getting to know people in a one-on-one situation where I can focus my attention on getting to know them, I've unfortunately ended up giving people the impression that I am far more interested in them than I actually am. This has led to some very awkward, and sometimes downright ugly, situations.

    Cafe wrote:
    I do not know about the specific situation, but I have found it hard when a friend comes to me about the same situation for years and won't do anything to actually address the problem. I feel distressed when my friends and loved ones are distressed, so I can understand if they don't really want to change the way they are doing things, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with being repeatedly distressed by something that doesn't distress them enough to do something about, if that makes sense.
    Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Empathy is a blessing and a curse. A blessing when we can help people through difficulty and leave them feeling better - there we get to feel both their pain and their triumph. But such a curse when someone refuses to accept the kind of help we want to provide. If someone can't put the effort into trying to make themselves feel better, then the pain we experience from being around them is pointless.

    Silkroad wrote:
    Honestly, this is someone who has hurt me many times in many ways...possibly because I left myself vulnerable to it...but still. And this time I had to hurt him - as much as I tried to be kind, diplomatic, reassure him of my friendship etc etc. I say "I had to", I really feel like I did. I didn't see any other option.
    I broke up with my long-term boyfriend not too long ago. He seemed unusually OK with it for a few weeks until it finally dawned on me that he was still completely convinced that I was just going through some sort of temporary personal issue and I would come back to him as soon as I was done moping. Not knowing what else to do I finally admitted (which I absolutely never had any intention of doing prior to this point) that I had started dating again and had actually been intimate with another person since our break up. As predicted, he was completely destroyed, and I still feel intensely guilty about it. But I couldn't find any other way of proving to him that I had moved on.

    Lily flower wrote:
    Honestly, it doesn't work that way. Either you are there for people and they are your friends, or you do not want to be there for people and they are not your friends.

    It's perfectly fine to cut someone out of your life that is causing you problems and you can have some good boundaries with people who are your friends, but don't tell someone everything you don't like about them and expect them to still like you.
    This is a typical problem for INFJs and it relates very much back to several other points made here. I think INFJs have the tendency to fall into an unhealthy relationship pattern that tends to look something like this:
    Phase 1 - Meet someone and make them feel very special by listening to their problems and just generally exhibiting all of the positive INFJ behaviors.

    Phase 2 - Enjoy a honeymoon period in the friendship/relationship whereby the other person loves being around you because you make them feel special and you love the fact that you have made somebody feel wonderful and encourage them to depend on you more and more.

    Phase 3 - You get tired of hearing the same problems over and over again with no sense that the other person is actually making any progress in solving these problems. You try to stay supportive but become increasingly irritable as they seem to be ignoring your feelings and wishes. In many cases this is because you have, up until this point, never made any demands whatsoever on the other person, so your subtle requests for space now are being misunderstood or missed completely.

    Phase 4 - Get completely fed up and, convinced that they have no respect for your emotional boundaries, completely unload all of your pent of frustrations on the person, not realizing that this seems totally out of the blue to the other person who had no idea that you were getting increasingly frustrated over time.

    Phase 5 - Feel incredibly guilty about having hurt someone you care about, you want very badly to go back to the way things were when the other person thought you were wonderful.

    In really bad relationships, this can go back to Phase 2 and start cycling all over again. In healthier relationships, INFJs can learn to set boundaries earlier on and enjoy a long and fruitful friendship. Most often people just part ways with regrets on both sides.

  2. #42
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    7,371

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by eclare View Post
    I broke up with my long-term boyfriend not too long ago. He seemed unusually OK with it for a few weeks until it finally dawned on me that he was still completely convinced that I was just going through some sort of temporary personal issue and I would come back to him as soon as I was done moping. Not knowing what else to do I finally admitted (which I absolutely never had any intention of doing prior to this point) that I had started dating again and had actually been intimate with another person since our break up. As predicted, he was completely destroyed, and I still feel intensely guilty about it. But I couldn't find any other way of proving to him that I had moved on.
    Not trying to be nosy or offtopic too much, I'm curious about this, since, from many other INFJ posts, the general consensus is that it takes a long time for an INFJ to develop friendship and much more for intimate relantionships, so can you comment on this regarding the text in bold?

  3. #43
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 sp/sx
    Posts
    3,938

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by eclare View Post

    This is a typical problem for INFJs and it relates very much back to several other points made here. I think INFJs have the tendency to fall into an unhealthy relationship pattern that tends to look something like this:
    Phase 1 - Meet someone and make them feel very special by listening to their problems and just generally exhibiting all of the positive INFJ behaviors.

    Phase 2 - Enjoy a honeymoon period in the friendship/relationship whereby the other person loves being around you because you make them feel special and you love the fact that you have made somebody feel wonderful and encourage them to depend on you more and more.

    Phase 3 - You get tired of hearing the same problems over and over again with no sense that the other person is actually making any progress in solving these problems. You try to stay supportive but become increasingly irritable as they seem to be ignoring your feelings and wishes. In many cases this is because you have, up until this point, never made any demands whatsoever on the other person, so your subtle requests for space now are being misunderstood or missed completely.

    Phase 4 - Get completely fed up and, convinced that they have no respect for your emotional boundaries, completely unload all of your pent of frustrations on the person, not realizing that this seems totally out of the blue to the other person who had no idea that you were getting increasingly frustrated over time.

    Phase 5 - Feel incredibly guilty about having hurt someone you care about, you want very badly to go back to the way things were when the other person thought you were wonderful.

    In really bad relationships, this can go back to Phase 2 and start cycling all over again. In healthier relationships, INFJs can learn to set boundaries earlier on and enjoy a long and fruitful friendship. Most often people just part ways with regrets on both sides.
    Thanks for this, very well expressed. Although it hasn't happened to me many times, this is very, very accurate for what happened to me in this situation and at least to a certain extent with one or two other situations. I am going to do my best to avoid this kind of scenario in future...easier said than done.

    It would also help me to avoid - if possible - situations where I end up in the friend zone with a guy who I keep hoping is going to realise he likes me. And of course, it never happens. All those frustrations, etc etc etc are going to be so much worse in this scenario if there is that element to it as well. Again, easier said than done.
    Female
    INFJ
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


    I DOORSLAMMING

  4. #44
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    139

    Default

    Grr....I started to reply, then hit some evil button that erased the whole thing. Anyway, the short version of what I had previously written is that there are three different things in play in a situation like mine.

    First, people in a rebound situation will often do things that seem very out of character. Someone who is normally very reserved may throw caution to the wind and go completely wild after a bad break-up just to feel something different than the misery they were in. This can be healthy if done correctly, but it can also end in disaster if taken too far. There was a small element of this in my case, I'll admit.

    Second, INFJs are first and foremost people pleasers, so we can be extremely easy to take advantage of if you catch us off guard. We will often end up doing things that we don't want to simply because it's easier to give in than it is to say no. This is not what happened in my case this time, although I have certainly made bad decisions for this very reason in the past.

    Third, I don't think it's quite true that INFJs are always slow to develop friendship and intimacy. I think that may be true most of the time, but the correlary to that is that when every now and then we meet someone and feel an instant connection. When that happens, at least in my experience, all caution is thrown to the wind and we dive in head first. This is mostly what happened in my case.

    Oh, and one more element to it, and this probably played a larger role than I like to admit, but I think it was also part of the doorslam. I knew I needed to find a way to keep myself from going back to my ex, and the most obvious way to do that was to become involved with someone else.

  5. #45
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    478

    Default

    eclare Second, INFJs are first and foremost people pleasers, so we can be extremely easy to take advantage of if you catch us off guard. We will often end up doing things that we don't want to simply because it's easier to give in than it is to say no. This is not what happened in my case this time, although I have certainly made bad decisions for this very reason in the past.
    Very, very true. I often find that when I hit phase 4 (as shown above) I withdraw, and if they're someone I can talk to, then I do that. Otherwise, I just insert distance by hanging out / communicating less often.

    eclare Third, I don't think it's quite true that INFJs are always slow to develop friendship and intimacy. I think that may be true most of the time, but the correlary to that is that when every now and then we meet someone and feel an instant connection. When that happens, at least in my experience, all caution is thrown to the wind and we dive in head first. This is mostly what happened in my case
    I absolutely love it when this happens!

  6. #46
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    478

    Default

    eclare Second, INFJs are first and foremost people pleasers, so we can be extremely easy to take advantage of if you catch us off guard. We will often end up doing things that we don't want to simply because it's easier to give in than it is to say no. This is not what happened in my case this time, although I have certainly made bad decisions for this very reason in the past.
    Very, very true. I often find that when I hit phase 4 (as shown above) I withdraw, and if they're someone I can talk to, then I do that. Otherwise, I just insert distance by hanging out / communicating less often.

    eclare Third, I don't think it's quite true that INFJs are always slow to develop friendship and intimacy. I think that may be true most of the time, but the correlary to that is that when every now and then we meet someone and feel an instant connection. When that happens, at least in my experience, all caution is thrown to the wind and we dive in head first. This is mostly what happened in my case
    I absolutely love it when this happens!

  7. #47
    Member Torai's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1 sx/so
    Socionics
    EII
    Posts
    88

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Moiety View Post
    Like all other messiahs, INFJs can have a bit of presumption yes, but I think that that word presumptuous is too often associated with negative connotations.

    1 - "Love is the answer"
    2 - Fuck you, presumptuous bastard. Who are you to know? That is YOUR opinion. Who are you to give me advice when not asked? etc
    1 -
    My reply: *Under my breath* Defensive bitch.

Similar Threads

  1. [INFJ] Do INFJs just follow the leader?
    By ReadingRainbows in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 11-16-2012, 10:43 AM
  2. [INFJ] Are INFJs naturally fascinated with ENTPs?
    By Quay in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 281
    Last Post: 08-21-2010, 05:46 PM
  3. [INFJ] Are INFJ's a mixed bag?
    By Lux in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 55
    Last Post: 11-20-2009, 04:00 PM
  4. [INFJ] Are INFJ's seen as detached in new or uncomfortable settings
    By CindySue in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 32
    Last Post: 10-16-2009, 05:51 PM
  5. [INFJ] what are INFJs thinking of ?
    By Hap in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 04-20-2009, 12:54 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO