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  1. #1
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    Default INFJ and Love - Is not having it an issue that needs fixing?

    I'm a 37 year old INFJ. I've had love but lost it. Now I'm practically two years out of my last serious relationship and I still haven't met anyone new. I dated someone for several months, but it wasn't true love, so it doesn't really count in my mind. I don't think I'm good at finding love either because I'm fairly introverted, enjoy my usual routine, and avoid big groups and events with lots of people And if I go to one, I tend to just stay alone and act, well, like a typical INFJ

    I feel like I appreciate love and the potential that intimate relationships offer more than anyone I know. I love the idea of love. I think about it and write about it often. Yet, searching for love seems like an illusive, non-gratifying act. Although I'm not in a relationship, I lead a really happy full life now and feel complete, and I don't think I'd be happy "searching" for love if it meant I would have less time to do the current activities I so enjoy.

    I'm not sure how to address this - or even if it needs addressing. Does anyone have a similar situation? How did you fix it? Is it even possible to fix it?

  2. #2
    Welcome to Sunnyside Mondo's Avatar
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    Your expectations for what "true love" is might be unrealistic.

    Unless you're absolutely itching to find someone to have sex with (which doesn't seem to be your case) and if you aren't content with your current state of affairs- I'd say don't spend too much time trying to find "true love".

    If you find "true love"- great. Otherwise, you can live a life you love without it.
    MBTI Type: iNTj
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  3. #3
    Senior Member DJAchtundvierzig's Avatar
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    Don't think too much... It will come. It's difficult for us INFJs, but it's all worth it.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    What's the point of love if it doesn't make you happy?

    If you are happy and content, you shouldn't try to find love. If you find it and it doesn't make you happy, lose it.

  5. #5
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    I feel like I appreciate love and the potential that intimate relationships offer more than anyone I know
    Suppose for a minute you not only underestimate other people in their capacity to appreciate love and the potential that intimate relationships offer, but that you also underestimate their ability to be insightful enough to pick up on your belief that no one can appreciate love quite you, and you might understand why your relationships fail and why you are single. Most people would also appreciate how arrogant you are being.

    Excuse me for being blunt.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Lightyear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    Suppose for a minute you not only underestimate other people in their capacity to appreciate love and the potential that intimate relationships offer, but that you also underestimate their ability to be insightful enough to pick up on your belief that no one can appreciate love quite you, and you might understand why your relationships fail and why you are single. Most people would also appreciate how arrogant you are being.

    Excuse me for being blunt.
    Well being rude and interpreting someone's statement in as negative a way as possible is a certain way to set an end to an otherwise very interesting thread.

  7. #7
    Scream down the boulevard LadyJaye's Avatar
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    Not to sound saccharin, but your pursuit in life should always be to find what makes you feel actualized and fulfilled, apart from the presence of any other person. If your life is full of what affirms you as you, then if you don't find that special person, you'll still feel that your life was full and wonderful. And if you do find that person, then incorporating them into an already rich and rewarding life will just make it even better.

    There's a verse in the Bible that says, " Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." If you take it in a secular sense, it still applies - seeking out the higher and fulfilling things, your life is complete. But then all the things you were searching in vain for will come to you because you sought the higher path.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lightyear View Post
    Well being rude and interpreting someone's statement in as negative a way as possible is a certain way to set an end to an otherwise very interesting thread.




    Have a good look in the mirror.



    Regards!!!!

  9. #9
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kccrush View Post
    I'm a 37 year old INFJ. I've had love but lost it. Now I'm practically two years out of my last serious relationship and I still haven't met anyone new. I dated someone for several months, but it wasn't true love, so it doesn't really count in my mind. I don't think I'm good at finding love either because I'm fairly introverted, enjoy my usual routine, and avoid big groups and events with lots of people And if I go to one, I tend to just stay alone and act, well, like a typical INFJ

    I feel like I appreciate love and the potential that intimate relationships offer more than anyone I know. I love the idea of love. I think about it and write about it often. Yet, searching for love seems like an illusive, non-gratifying act. Although I'm not in a relationship, I lead a really happy full life now and feel complete, and I don't think I'd be happy "searching" for love if it meant I would have less time to do the current activities I so enjoy.

    I'm not sure how to address this - or even if it needs addressing. Does anyone have a similar situation? How did you fix it? Is it even possible to fix it?
    This is amusing to me because yes, I have been in the same situation. I am older than you, so in some ways my decision was easier for me -- I decided to live as I please, and I decided that my idea that I needed to "find love" or at least want a partner or else something was wrong with me was a wrong idea. I felt I had been brainwashed, that it may be true for some people (and I believe it is) but that for me, it is not true -- I am more than fine without a partner and without troubling myself with a search for love. Once I accepted that, I became delighted with the idea and quite happy with my life. I don't know how true this is for you, but for me, if I have an ideal, my ideal is not love. My ideal is freedom. Experiencing freedom makes my life complete, not having a partner. One does not necessarily preclude the other, at least theoretically, but I find that in practice it often does.

    So if you're not feeling pressed about it, then don't press yourself. Watch how that feels and see what results you get out of it in your life and then you can re-evaluate. But I think there is no reason to push on this subject and that more unhappiness is made by pressure around it than is made by the actual obtaining of the object.

    And you can experience many kinds of love, you can be in love with the world, with God, with art forms, love is not confined to True Love between men and women.

    When I was having relationships, it could go two-three-five years between meeting anyone who I wanted to partner with, so I don't think that's abnormal either.

  10. #10
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    I guess the reason why I made the statement about appreciating love more than most people I know was just to demonstrate how seriously I take it. I'm not the kind of person who needs to always be dating, but when I do date, I try to demonstrate my love and affection, etc. Anyways, to Arclight's point, I suppose there are many ways to demonstrate appreciation for love.

    Alas, I just am curious if there comes a point where you need to say to yourself, "I'm going to be happy without love but open to the idea of it." I live in San Francisco, and it's completely acceptable to be any which way in the universe. So this is just about internal pressure I'm putting on myself. That's why I was interested in hearing from other INFJs. Thanks everyone (even the non INFJs) for answering.

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