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  1. #21
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by William K View Post
    A couple of other thoughts
    - INFPs tend not to meet the mainstream definitions of success in life. I don't mean we don't have dreams of being successful, but we do tend to be less materialistic about it. Hence there are times when I look at my former classmates and see how successful they are, and feel like I'm a failure.
    Definitely....it reminds me of a point on personalitypage.com that its important for INFPs to observe people without making comparisons. Observe to get perspective, to learn, and to get a grasp of reality, but don't judge yourself based on it. I think INFPs may have "different" goals that don't always result in material success, but then when we observe other people, we come up short in comparison because we're only seeing what is on the surface - their material success. However, our priorities may leave us feeling compromised if we took the route they took to get there....

    There is also the whole thing about being praised and being the centre of attention. I like it when other people notice what I've said/done and tell me so, but at the same time I'm not comfortable pushing myself out there. It's a real conundrum, this craving for validation yet not wanting to ask for it for fear of being inauthentic. I guess it's because we don't do things that are important to us in half-measures. When we put ourselves on the line for something (like commenting in a thread), we go all in so anything we perceive as an 'attack', no matter how minor, will hurt like hell.
    My issue with praise was not downplaying someone else's compliment. I've learned to just say "thank you" gracefully and not attempt to qualify their statement. Part of this is embarrassment - I like compliments, but they also put the spotlight on you, and I hate the spotlight.

    And yeah, when I've put myself out there & put my heart into something just to have it/myself criticized or rejected, that is a hard blow. When you have a couple of those in a row, you can start to doubt yourself and your capabilities.


    Oh, I thought of something else : self-deprecating humor. I think sometimes this does not register with people and they think you are serious .
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  2. #22
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Oh, I thought of something else : self-deprecating humor. I think sometimes this does not register with people and they think you are serious .
    Self-deprecating humour is from a low self esteem to harass the self into an inferior state of being. On a conscious level they think its just their kind of humour, on a subconscious level what they are saying to themselves I am unworthy so I'll belittle myself.

  3. #23
    Senior Member KDude's Avatar
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    I am partly serious in my self-deprecation, but partly telling everyone else "Why so serious?" It's good to lighten things up sometimes (imo).

  4. #24
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KDude View Post
    I am partly serious in my self-deprecation, but partly telling everyone else "Why so serious?" It's good to lighten things up sometimes (imo).
    But that's the shadow function at play I would of thought, I doubt self deprecation is good for self esteem.

    Its good to lighten up but not at the expense of telling yourself off. Isn't that coutnerintuitive?

  5. #25
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    I mean don't get me wrong I used to chronically self-deprecate when I was depressed and when I get stressed I tend to self-deprecate in a funny way.

    Except when I am happy who I am where I am I have no need to self-deprecate, I express humour but hardly inward like I used to.

  6. #26
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    I mean its like a way of control, to control our emotions and keep them in a negative frame of reference instead of letting go pointless habits and changing towards a positive frame of reference imo.

  7. #27
    Reptilian Snuggletron's Avatar
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    I think I used to use self-deprecating humor at times when I was a teenager, particularly in the early years of high school because I found that I could connect with others through humor and found that was the primary basis for a lot of the friendships I had then, self-deprecation came easy because I surely didn't think highly of myself, so maybe if I utilized it into humor people would think I was comfortable with it all. I don't think I understood that was what I doing, though. Or even if that's what I was doing, exactly.

    Later I began to disassociate with my old image, because I began to gain enough self-esteem to no longer want to be merely a laugh for people and wanted to form some relationships based on actual substance, starting with my real desires. But I don't know, humor is still a big part of me...but the role it plays has switched. Now instead of targeting me, it targets the world instead. Sometimes it's kind of critical, I can't explain but I think it's a product of ideals failing to be realized and cynicism taking its place. Probably due to my lack of positive mental growth from the beginning, so even after I abandoned the pathetic foundations of my personality to try and become a better person they still rear their ugly heads every now and then in strange forms.

    Kind of feel like I'm exposing too much of myself here but I think it relates to this topic and writing it out helps me maybe understand it better..

  8. #28
    Senior Member Synapse's Avatar
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    ^ You aren't really exposing anything of yourself there, I can relate to all of it.

    Do you think the substitute to cynicism is another coping style adopted from exposure to critical thinking?

  9. #29
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Des the following scenario help add color to the situation?
    - it's an INFP teenager
    - incredibly smart, creative, artistic, excellent writer, gifted; scores 95% or more on standardized tests; great at everything but math's not her favorite
    - perfectionist
    - has feelings of incompetence so doesn't do homework which doesn't get done which fuels more feelings of incompetence, etc.
    - it is a bit like performance anxiety combined with self esteem issues
    - is not into something bad like drugs, have friends who are a bad influence or anything like that

    Does that explain it better?

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

    Tri-type 639

  10. #30
    Senior Member KDude's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Synapse View Post
    But that's the shadow function at play I would of thought, I doubt self deprecation is good for self esteem.

    Its good to lighten up but not at the expense of telling yourself off. Isn't that coutnerintuitive?
    If I feel I intimidate people at times - or people are on guard about something in general, this is when I might do it. It's me telling them I'm OK. Just easing tension a little. Or if I see someone having difficulty with something, I might help, and say.. "No problem.. I used to really suck at this. You're not doing half as bad." Sometimes it isn't necessary to take some "pillar of strength" or overly-respectable approach with people, but to work with them on an equal level. I wouldn't call it shadow behavior.. it's probably me at my best

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