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  1. #1
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Default Dealing with lingering feelings (INFJ)

    I have been at a mental impasse the past week, trying to rationalize the potential relationships that I have come across.

    There is one I have had feelings for for at least four years (A long time at my age). She is a beautiful INFJ that is both popular (Not in the S way, but everyone pays attention to her, especially for playful teasing) and busy. The former gnaws at my jealousness (I have learned to handle it to a degree, thankfully) and the latter tries my patience, but would be not a problem if not for the second person I have feelings for.

    The second, in comparison, feels like I'm 'settling' (I cannot compare them to each other- I do not like bringing up looks, but it is a criteria I think about) but on the flipside I enjoy her childlike enthusiasm and feel more natural around her (Around the first I am gernerally more polite and less wacky).

    In a sense, the first is perfect but had to grasp due to her elusivity, and the second is more available and suitable. However, feelings for the first interfere with feelings for the second, who I have started liking recently.

    I do not even know how to approach the situation and thus am just waiting for an opportunity- but if I go with one, then feelings for the other, especially the first if I go with the second, will nag at me the whole way.

    I overthink, people tell that to me all the time, and cannot help it. Unless the knot is straightened out in my mind I cannot help but pick at it.

    Is there a way to deal with lingering feelings? I feel as if I'm asking for a magic cure.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  2. #2
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    My gut feeling tells me that your heart is more focused on the second person, and your head (which is dominant in intp's) is more focused on the first person. And for relationships you will be better off following your real feelings and needs.(ie:needing to be natural and relaxed etc) As for being worried that you will yearn for the other once you've settled with either, my advice is again, if you are true to your hearts needs you will never be sorry.

  3. #3
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    I am an INFJ. The 'Squishy INTP' is reference to my more intellectual bent.

    I have feelings for both these people, hence the problem. Having been yearning for the first person so long, I feel that if I 'drop' those feelings that all the effort I have put into it will be wasted and that a golden opportunity will be missed by my impatience.

    I do not think my feelings for the second person are as strong as for the first, only that I like her. Nothing has built up like with the second. It would be a like a breakup without a relationship if I stopped pining for the first.

    I don't want to move forward until my feelings are clear.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  4. #4
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    Oh! That was funny - there i was giving my advice to a fellow infj, thinking you were an intp! Oh well, i wouldn't worry about the 'wasted' feelings.

  5. #5
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Have you asked the first one out?
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  6. #6
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Oh! That was funny - there i was giving my advice to a fellow infj, thinking you were an intp! Oh well, i wouldn't worry about the 'wasted' feelings.
    No problem, I forgot how confusing my label could be.

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Have you asked the first one out?
    I haven't.

    According to our mutual ENFP friend she 'doesn't date.'

    And She spends all of her weekday time going to practice and weekends at her work. The joke is that she gets about 5 minutes of nap time a day. The only time we see each other is in the one class we share in which I try not to make an ass of myself (If that is possible, well... )
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  7. #7
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skyward View Post
    I haven't.

    According to our mutual ENFP friend she 'doesn't date.'

    And She spends all of her weekday time going to practice and weekends at her work. The joke is that she gets about 5 minutes of nap time a day. The only time we see each other is in the one class we share in which I try not to make an ass of myself (If that is possible, well... )
    She's sort of an imaginary girl, then.

    That's a hard one. She's apparently inaccessible, which makes it hard to see what the real girl is like. I'd ask her out anyway, if you think you are going to have trouble getting her out of your system. Engaging her directly would at least give you a clearer picture of the real girl.

    It's possible girl 2, because she is already a real girl, might push girl 1 out of your mind, but it's possible she won't. You could try to get something casual started and see what happens.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  8. #8
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    Thanks for the advice . I'll follow them to see how it plays out. Only have to swallow my fear and go for it.

    If the feelings for the second one were stronger than for the first I wouldn't be struggling.

    I know in earlier years it was probably obvious there was something about the First that would affect me - she noticed that I was acting weird around her. SHe also gave me her number soon after I returned to the US (she said she would give it to me over facebook chat a few months before that). She isn't completely imaginary.

    There is also a level of intimidation I feel. Do people normally get intimidated by INFJs?

    If I follow my heart I will be strung along by the 'imaginariness' of the first, and that would mean my mind is turning to the second because it is more accessable. I think that is where the conflict occurs between heart and mind.

    It's tough to get this whole train of thought straight in my own mind, let alone outside of it. Please forgive the disjointedness of it all.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

  9. #9
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    I think that unless you engage the 1st in some way, and really try that out, you're always going to have lingering/nagging doubts and 'what if' questions. And, from your posts, it seems the 1st is who you're more into at this point (although I understand you like the 2nd as well).

    Yes, it's scary and you might be rejected by the 1st, but honestly without experiencing that potential rejection you aren't going to KNOW. And it's the not knowing that's keeping her on your mind and keeping those feelings intact. If she would turn out differently than you imagine, or if she would say 'no way', or you'd find that after engaging more directly w/ the 1st girl that your feelings dissipate (OR they grow stronger), then you'd feel more solid. Right now you just have a lot of unknowns/uncertainty about all of it.

    You won't clear things up unless you try.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  10. #10
    Badoom~ Skyward's Avatar
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    I understand. There are times when the chance is there, but get hung up. I think I get a vibe of 'please don't interrupt' off of her... which could be my projections and over-thinkage.

    I don't like first times.
    'Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.' - Marilyn Monroe

    This is who I am, escapist, paradise-seeker.
    -Nightwish

    Anthropology Major out of Hamline University. St. Paul, Minnesota.

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