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[NF] NF Tips for a Lasting Relationship

wedekit

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Nov 10, 2007
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694
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INFJ
Well, I thought it would be an interesting topic. What would you say is the best advice you can give to prevent putting that malignant distance between you and the one you love?

I am no professional, but I hear having separate bank accounts works wonders, haha.

(Note that I'm not in a relationship; just afraid that I might someday screw up a perfectly good one.)
 

redacted

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if you're at all bothered by something, bring it up and talk it out until you're both satisfied. otherwise, you'll end up holding enough little things inside that you'll start acting out passive aggressively or even just plain aggressively.

obviously use tact in bringing these things up though: I-statements and such.

i've seen so many relationships fail because of tiny problems growing over long periods of time...
 

tovlo

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if you're at all bothered by something, bring it up and talk it out until you're both satisfied.

Agreed. I don't know if would be the case for anyone else, but for me being in a relationship where there is complete openness of experience is essential. I have been in relationships where that may have been attempted, but was eventually abandoned because of the difficulty in reaching any sort of feeling of being heard.

I have found the ideas of non-violent communication to be very useful in my relationship with another NF for effectively communicating my experience in a way that allows me to I feel I've been heard and for effectively engaging in their experience in a way they express leaves them feeling heard.

I personally wouldn't choose the separate bank accounts option. It would violate at some level my sense of openness between the partners, but that is a personal choice. Thankfully it's a choice my partner agrees with me on. ;)
 

wedekit

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Thanks for the great replies. I have spent a lot of time observing and mediating my friends' relationships, and a lot of what you guys mentioned was an issue. (All of my friends tend to be NF girls.)

if you're at all bothered by something, bring it up and talk it out until you're both satisfied. otherwise, you'll end up holding enough little things inside that you'll start acting out passive aggressively or even just plain aggressively.

obviously use tact in bringing these things up though: I-statements and such.

i've seen so many relationships fail because of tiny problems growing over long periods of time...

I have an ENFP friend with an INTP boyfriend that she has dated for about one year. She has such strong passive-aggressive tendencies when it comes to him. She will get mad about something but internalize it and not bring it up, and when she collects enough she just lets all of her feelings spill out on him. He responds by thinking she is hysterical or trying to manipulate him, and so he tries to logically explain her feelings to her. She takes this as him trying to criticize her intelligence, leaving her feeling valueless. It's a vicious cycle that they go through often.
 

Domino

ENFJ In Chains
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sx/so
A roll of 100-mile-an-hour tape, a sturdy chair, and a threat to sing Disney show tunes ad infinitum works marvels for relationships! :D

No, seriously - the best and simplest way to avoid malignant distance during an argument is to not be disrespectful. No name calling. No dismissive language. No eye-rolling. No starting a fight and then walking off. And certainly NEVER dump-and-run tactics. If you love this person, their welfare should be at the front of your mind. Anyone who's says they love another person and then proceeds to think the worst of them or treat them like they're irrational (the "tut-tut" response which makes me red-line) or not as intelligent is ridiculous. You treat that girl/guy as you would want to be treated, end of story. That doesn't control decibel levels (because some couples like to have a good door-slammer :D and then making up later with the same energy) but it does keep a mortal wound from being laid.

The people I have loved most deeply are the kind I can already argue with. I can tell how much I love them by the level of anger I can feel and STILL want to take a bullet for them.
 

Lateralus

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Don't allow yourself to get spiteful. It's not worth it...ever.
 

JivinJeffJones

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if you're at all bothered by something, bring it up and talk it out until you're both satisfied. otherwise, you'll end up holding enough little things inside that you'll start acting out passive aggressively or even just plain aggressively.

The INFJs I know take this advice entirely too far. They just will not let something drop. I think they're all afraid of being doormats or something, with the result being that they hound you about every little thing until you blow your stack and tell them to fuck off. Then they give you a week or two to cool down and start feeling horribly guilty and then start up again on the same fucking subject.

Honestly, I think some things you just have to accept aren't gonna change and either let them slide or call the whole thing off. There's a lot to be said for letting them slide. So they aren't perfect? Just as well.
 

Priam

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Dec 20, 2007
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I have an ENFP friend with an INTP boyfriend that she has dated for about one year. She has such strong passive-aggressive tendencies when it comes to him. She will get mad about something but internalize it and not bring it up, and when she collects enough she just lets all of her feelings spill out on him. He responds by thinking she is hysterical or trying to manipulate him, and so he tries to logically explain her feelings to her. She takes this as him trying to criticize her intelligence, leaving her feeling valueless. It's a vicious cycle that they go through often.

Exactly the danger! The terrible part is how hard it can be to break out of these cycles, especially when they're enshrined as habitual. The misunderstanding can rapidly turn into relationship dogma, where she always expects he's patronizing her and he always expects she's a hairs-breadth from total psycho. That's how two loving people morph into tragic caricatures...
 

alcea rosea

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No matter what MBTI types are in a relationship (I think that basically any type combination can work) it's important to have similar values and some similar interests. +lots of work, love :wubbie: , flexibility, dedication, support and so on. So, it's not just a party, it's also lots of hard work especially when the bad times arrive. And there are some bad times in each relationship.
 

wedekit

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I saw Juno last night (which I loved, btw) and a nice little quote about love came up:

"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with."
 

redacted

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The INFJs I know take this advice entirely too far. They just will not let something drop. I think they're all afraid of being doormats or something, with the result being that they hound you about every little thing until you blow your stack and tell them to fuck off. Then they give you a week or two to cool down and start feeling horribly guilty and then start up again on the same fucking subject.

Honestly, I think some things you just have to accept aren't gonna change and either let them slide or call the whole thing off. There's a lot to be said for letting them slide. So they aren't perfect? Just as well.

quite true.

so basically, only bring something up if it can be changed/worked on. otherwise, say it ONCE, then suck it up or end the relationship.

but yeah, i agree with you. i pushed my last gf too far (or maybe she fucked up too much, depending on your perspective), and she started acting out passive aggressively, etc. until i had to end the whole thing.

reminds me of the serenity prayer (from 12-step programs):
grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

although when i was going to meetings i never said it once... (they make it seem too religious)
 

heart

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The INFJs I know take this advice entirely too far. They just will not let something drop. I think they're all afraid of being doormats or something, with the result being that they hound you about every little thing until you blow your stack and tell them to fuck off. Then they give you a week or two to cool down and start feeling horribly guilty and then start up again on the same fucking subject.

Honestly, I think some things you just have to accept aren't gonna change and either let them slide or call the whole thing off. There's a lot to be said for letting them slide. So they aren't perfect? Just as well.


I think INFJ engage in a lot of nervous venting and complaining. It makes it hard at times because I will take what is said very seriously and it really is just mostly blowing off steam for the INFJ. :devil:
 

cafe

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I think INFJ engage in a lot of nervous venting and complaining. It makes it hard at times because I will take what is said very seriously and it really is just mostly blowing off steam for the INFJ. :devil:
Oh yikes! Yeah. I only expect my spouse to listen to my venting enough to get a vague idea of what I'm going on about and I don't vent to him about him. He is pretty good about tuning me out, which helps him keep his sanity, I'm sure.

A lot of times, too, I will keep worrying a situation like an old bone because I so desperately want closure, but it simply can't be had in some situations. I'm either sure if I just find the right angle, it can be solved or else I just can't let it go. Eventually I will get tired of it and leave it alone for awhile, but I will go back to it periodically until I am assured that there really isn't anything I can do that I'm not already doing. I don't expect full, active listening in that situation, either. I just want the illusion that I'm not talking to myself.
 

unsung truth

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well I haven't been in a relationship yet... but I've been trying to make friends with girls whom I have a crush on to see if we could even have a relationship.
That has been a slow process... and not successful yet...

Ideally I like how Khalil Gibran describes it:
The Prophet
The Prophet
 

heart

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Oh yikes! Yeah. I only expect my spouse to listen to my venting enough to get a vague idea of what I'm going on about and I don't vent to him about him. He is pretty good about tuning me out, which helps him keep his sanity, I'm sure.

A lot of times, too, I will keep worrying a situation like an old bone because I so desperately want closure, but it simply can't be had in some situations. I'm either sure if I just find the right angle, it can be solved or else I just can't let it go. Eventually I will get tired of it and leave it alone for awhile, but I will go back to it periodically until I am assured that there really isn't anything I can do that I'm not already doing. I don't expect full, active listening in that situation, either. I just want the illusion that I'm not talking to myself.


Yes, that too general angst.
 

wedekit

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Am I the only person that believes this isn't true? I hear it all the time in type conversations and in type books, but I personally think that there are lots of types that I could not have a relationship with. I can't see myself with ISTJ, ISTP, ESTJ, ESTP, ESFJ, ISFJ, ESFP, even ENTP and INTP seem like stretches to me. I think that most types are only compatible with a few other types. I could (and do) have friendships with people of those types but in terms of a romantic relationship I think the options are a lot more limited.

I think maybe the point is that, in my example, trying to have a lasting relationship with an SP will take much, MUCH more effort from both parties than having one with a NT. It's possible, but you're in for a rough ride. I have plenty of SP friends, but as partners we probably wouldn't last longer than a week. However, I would never not date someone I liked because of their type. I think in my case I just tend to not be attracted (beyond appearance) to certain types in general. ESTP would be a nice example.

Oh yikes! Yeah. I only expect my spouse to listen to my venting enough to get a vague idea of what I'm going on about and I don't vent to him about him. He is pretty good about tuning me out, which helps him keep his sanity, I'm sure.

A lot of times, too, I will keep worrying a situation like an old bone because I so desperately want closure, but it simply can't be had in some situations. I'm either sure if I just find the right angle, it can be solved or else I just can't let it go. Eventually I will get tired of it and leave it alone for awhile, but I will go back to it periodically until I am assured that there really isn't anything I can do that I'm not already doing. I don't expect full, active listening in that situation, either. I just want the illusion that I'm not talking to myself.

Haha, you remind me of myself in this aspect. I basically stew in everything until it's nice and cold. I can't have peace of mind unless I have closure. Usually if I can find someone to vent to (usually my best friend) and get it all out of my head and into reality, I recover with flying colors. I have no idea why it works but it does, so I'm satisfied.
 

SolitaryPenguin

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I think INFJ engage in a lot of nervous venting and complaining. It makes it hard at times because I will take what is said very seriously and it really is just mostly blowing off steam for the INFJ. :devil:

This is kinda the same with me. I realize in hindsight that she was just blowing off steam (I am actually thankful that she can with me) but while it's happening, I get completely engaged in it, and almost stressed along with her. It's probably an empathetic thing, but I am slowly getting used to it and almost enjoying it.
 

quietgirl

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Sep 29, 2007
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The best thing I've learned is to simply accept the other person for who they are. Once you get it out of your head that they are exactly the same as you or exactly what you want them to be, then you're free to decide whether or not you want to be in the relationship. Once you decide to be in the relationship, I find it works best to put yourself in the other's shoes before reacting negatively to their actions and to accept their differences - because hey, you're not perfect either.

Compromise is key, too. Finding a middle ground that doesn't sacrifice either person's needs is really what makes a relationship last after the inevitable arguments.

Also, as cliche as it sounds, a couple who plays together stays together. I don't think you have to share all of your interests, but I find my most successful relationships have had the common denominator of both of us sharing at least one interest & doing activities involving it. Right now, my boyfriend & I share a love for exercise, outdoor activity, and travel. Doing these activities together really strengthens our relationship.
 

cafe

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I think the best thing is to be very, very lucky and to never forget it.
 
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