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[INFJ] INFJ and Feeling

streetlightfancy

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Jul 22, 2010
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6w5
I've recently began to reconsider my personality type (again)

I thought I was an INFJ however, I have recently noticed how difficult and straight up uncomfortable it is for me to sympathize with others, particularly my friends.

It's not that I don't care about my friends, on the contrary I welcome venting from my friends. I like talking about people and logically working through why people are the way they are.... but when it comes to feeling these emotions and trying to feel what they are feeling, it's a struggle.

Do other INFJs (or NFs in general) experience this?
 

MrRandom

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Jul 19, 2008
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INFJ
INFJs are the thinkers of the NFs. INFJs are also said to seem distant and cold sometimes, maybe even with friends if they are not used to expressing their emotions... being private and all. It's also common for INFJs to question themselves being Fs at all (going towards INTP rather than INTJ). As far as I know.

Sometimes I have trouble sympathizing with other people, because my thinking tends to be critical and "objective". I can find myself thinking: "That wouldn't have happened to you in the first place if you wouldn't have done X, just as I foresaw and warned you... now I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?". This is sometimes the case, but even then I'm trying to be empathetic and put aside my analytic nature.

Perhaps it could be illustrated by comparing ISFJ and INFJ... ISFJs can be very empathetic and great at supporting you no matter what, good friends... INFJs are more understanding, and it's not always a pretty sight they see. It's like INFJs are more interested in how someone's mind works rather than merely supporting it. INFJs see the human mind as this huge clockwork puzzle and they don't care what the time is like ISFJs do... uh, maybe this is going nowhere :)
 

KDude

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INFJ's risk being "not worth listening to" if they behave in a way without a sense of extroversion in their experience (in their case, Fe or Se). You can be in your own world if you want, but it just makes one's "storehouse" of interpretations that much poorer. This is what you become without Fe, but Ti:


As a Tertiary Function, Ti leads IFJs to....
...."advise others on the wisdom of their choices"(edited from Lenorep.231 on INFJs.) vis a vis Ti as a primary attribute. Also, tertiary Ti leads to an important emphasis on personal experience. Yet unlike dominant and secondary Ti, tertiary Ti can often lead sweeping generalizations induced from sparse evidence. Tertiary Ti leads can lead to a narcissistic focus on your own experience, or the experience of people who stand with you. If someone disagrees with you, then they must be naive. This kind of narrow view is often used defensively. Especially when combined with dominant Ni, tertiary Ti can be used to defend bizarre theories that are completely unfalsifiable.
 

Billy

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Oct 20, 2009
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1,192
MBTI Type
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I get what youre saying OP, I feel the same way, because usually I can identify the cause or the source of my friends "pain" and more often then not its self caused, I only really empathize with people if they are in extreme agony like crying, or the pain wrought on them has no official source or is out of their control. It feels like a waste of time to console someone who causes their own problems, I would rather they just solve their problems instead of focusing on them and how bad they are. If something is wrong, fix it, especially if its in your power.
 

Aquarelle

Starcrossed Seafarer
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Jun 16, 2010
Messages
3,144
MBTI Type
INFJ
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4w5
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
Sometimes I have trouble sympathizing with other people, because my thinking tends to be critical and "objective". I can find myself thinking: "That wouldn't have happened to you in the first place if you wouldn't have done X, just as I foresaw and warned you... now I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?". This is sometimes the case, but even then I'm trying to be empathetic and put aside my analytic nature.
This, exactly. I've been working hard on being more empathetic in such situations, trying to see things from their point of view even if I can see how the situation arose and it's totally their fault. Or if I think they're in the wrong. But it's hard sometimes.
 

Tiltyred

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Why is it a struggle? Is it a struggle in some cases but not in others?
 

KDude

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I took a "kid's MBTI" test recently and it came out EFJ. :rolleyes: I wonder if that's what my difference is - F has always been a pretty noticable element with me. And I don't have the patience to depend on Ti, truth to be told. Wildcat's thread makes my head hurt :doh: Although, I want to tell him how much I like his style at least.

If INFJ's are inclined to be Ti over Fe now, man, I'm going to change my type again.
 

cascadeco

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Oct 7, 2007
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9w1
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sp/sx
I've recently began to reconsider my personality type (again)

I thought I was an INFJ however, I have recently noticed how difficult and straight up uncomfortable it is for me to sympathize with others, particularly my friends.

It's not that I don't care about my friends, on the contrary I welcome venting from my friends. I like talking about people and logically working through why people are the way they are.... but when it comes to feeling these emotions and trying to feel what they are feeling, it's a struggle.

Do other INFJs (or NFs in general) experience this?

I've never felt compelled to feel what everyone else is feeling.

Are INFJ's supposed to be sympathetic towards all causes/situations/people? I can't say that I am. Actually this describes the vein of my thoughts in many situations like this -

MrRandom said:
I can find myself thinking: "That wouldn't have happened to you in the first place if you wouldn't have done X...

.... now I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?".
 

Tiltyred

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sx/sp
I'm sympathetic when people get themselves into jams by their own doing -- at least the first time. Or if the 2nd time is on a different subject. But if they keep doing the same dumb thing over and over and want me to feel sorry, I lose interest in participating.
 

KDude

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I've never felt compelled to feel what everyone else is feeling.-

Of course, but if it becomes a pattern, it's due to heavy introversion. If someone isn't moving towards the auxiliary, and needs to go their other introverted function as a rule with people, it's not productive. Ni-Ti - at the risk of sounding silly, it's as simple as looking at the two "I's" there. Same with Fi-Si, Fi-Ni, Ni-Fi, etc.. I do it myself, and it's cool for awhile, but damn.. we all need to connect somehow.
 

cascadeco

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Of course, but if it becomes a pattern, it's due to heavy introversion. If someone isn't moving towards the auxiliary, and needs to go their other introverted function as a rule with people, it's not productive. Ni-Ti - at the risk of sounding silly, it's as simple as looking at the two "I's" there. Same with Fi-Si, Fi-Ni, Ni-Fi, etc.. I do it myself, and it's cool for awhile, but damn.. we all need to connect somehow.

Sure, connecting is one thing.. but feeling the same emotion the other person is feeling? I've never really understood that. I feel my own emotions, other people feel theirs, my own emotions might be influenced by the other person, but to feel just what the other is feeling? I can't really wrap my head around it. I'm a distinct person from them, and might feel/think quite differently about something from what they feel/think.
 

KDude

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I can half of the time. Or at least, it's something like noticing an element that approximates my own experiences or POV, and might set off an actual identification with their emotions. I can do that with fictional characters too, for that matter. :doh: :)

I guess it's another subject though.
 

cascadeco

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I can half of the time. Or at least, it's something like noticing an element that approximates my own experiences or POV, and might set off an actual identification with their emotions. I can do that with fictional characters too, for that matter. :doh: :)

I guess it's another subject though.

For me, intellectually understanding why they feel what they feel, and seeing their pov, is what I might do... but that's separate imo from my actually *feeling* it, like viscerally or something.
 

KDude

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For me, intellectually understanding why they feel what they feel, and seeing their pov, is what I might do... but that's separate imo from my actually *feeling* it, like viscerally or something.

I do feel it viscerally, but like I said, not all of the time. I'd probably go insane if that happened. Sometimes it's intellectual too, and I somewhat "cerebrally" choose to communicate in a sensitive manner. I don't think it's all that conscious, but it works like that sometimes, I guess. Or I come up with a thought that might get them over their trouble, and say "Hey, maybe if you did this.." Or just listen. I'm not much of a "I told you so" type though. Life is more complicated. If we can say anything about Ni, it sees that (and in that complication is where I might find myself feeling something too). If I disengage my sympathy or understanding, it's for people that are bringing others down..Not someone's personal problems.
 

mochajava

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One of my friends noticed this tendency in me, and I'd like to share the way she put it into words: "I know that you mirror moods." I thought that was a very helpful way to say it.
 

stellachiara

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I haven't read the whole thread, so I may repeating something already said, but I think some INFJs feel so strongly inside ourselves that we sometimes harden ourselves to other people's feelings, kind of in self-defense against over-empathizing, or feeling responsible for "fixing" them.
 

Random Ness

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I don't have a problem with empathizing. I can always sympathize with a person...

...unless I think they are overdoing it. If someone caused their own problem, or if someone is making a big deal over something that isn't, I start being just annoyed at the person instead. To an INFP I knew, I could come off as very cold and uncaring. Is it such a bad thing to refuse to empathize with someone over every little stupid superfluous thing?

[/rant]
 

Random Ness

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I didn't mention this part of INFJ empathy in my post, but I agree with stellachiara wholeheartedly.

I think some INFJs feel so strongly inside ourselves that we sometimes harden ourselves to other people's feelings, kind of in self-defense against over-empathizing, or feeling responsible for "fixing" them.

Self-defense against over-empathizing and feeling responsible for fixing them--sooo true.

When I am being self-defensive (instead of just plain being annoyed like I described in my above post), I counteract the over-empathy by being indifferent, so that I don't have to feel the person's feelings, feel guilty that I don't have their problem, and feel like that if I can't help them then I'm useless. Always, though, as the denied over-empathy rises, so does the indifference and it turns into hate. Eventually, both the over-empathy and the hate reach their limit and explode.

Having empathy isn't always a great thing.
 

the state i am in

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Feb 12, 2009
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sx/sp
sp types are generally more aloof unless they have the space to feel privately.

e5s and w5s are generally feeling avoidant bc they are terrified of feeling overwhelmed. they immediately replace it with detachment, but when it's strong (for sx types?) it kind of radiates into anger more quickly, although an anger kind of tremor that doesn't act and release itself but instead burns itself out much like the feeling would but with no release and nothing learned.

1s and w1s rely on standards of conduct to insulate themselves from others and instead focus on their own deliberations of what is right, necessary, acceptable. it balances out the suggestibility, openness, and empathy of e9.

i think sx types can, at times, drown out the feelings of others with their own desires and demands. whereas so types are generally more avoidant and will rely on distraction to take them out of that mental/emotional space.

i think, more generally, infjs can get clouded when entranced and that cloud can specifically fog up Fe until it cuts itself off and tries to isolate itself (drowning out the sounds of others with earplugs). maybe bc (all?) infjs seem to have a pretty strong sp instinct.
 

redacted

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I haven't read the whole thread, so I may repeating something already said, but I think some INFJs feel so strongly inside ourselves that we sometimes harden ourselves to other people's feelings, kind of in self-defense against over-empathizing, or feeling responsible for "fixing" them.

I definitely do this.

Not sure if I'm INFJ though.
 
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