[ENFP] Upset ENFPs: Handle With Care

[InvisibleJim]

I only read the OP, it was very accurate regarding a friend of mine.

How do i make an ENFP STFU when they're upset more often than i can deal with? He has been grieving for some time and i have done what i can to help, but as an introvert i simply don't have the time or energy to deal with his endless self-expression that dominates our friendship. I am his best friend apparently but I am very over it and want to decrease his attachment to me in a nice way... but he won't let me - he is demanding of my attention which is extremely irritating and is basically making me hate him. Avoiding/ignoring an ENFP seems to make them very dramatic, frustrated and angry and therefore much more annoying. Directly asking for space caused him to try to guilt trip me into talking to him in a way that i thought was blatantly obvious; i don't really want anything to do with someone like that. I think i am going to need to tell him to simply leave me alone and be mean... is there not a nicer way? We have mutual friends so i don't want to create lots of drama, though it seems inevitable as he doesn't seem willing to let his attachment to me go.

Urgh. Takes me back to being a teenager. Sorry dude, I don't know a way out of your conundrum short of major major doorslamming. Unfortunately drama will ensue regardless.

 

[animenagai]

No, it was fine as it was, don't quote modify for your benefit. I was being very explicit in my viewpoint.

But yes ENFPs; just listen to them, hug it out. With a little luck the ENFP is patient enough to listen back. They are going to do what they want anyway.

I don't really see what benefit I can get from that really. I'm being honest and I'm not alone here among ENFP's.

 

[Amargith]

I only read the OP, it was very accurate regarding a friend of mine.

How do i make an ENFP STFU when they're upset more often than i can deal with? He has been grieving for some time and i have done what i can to help, but as an introvert i simply don't have the time or energy to deal with his endless self-expression that dominates our friendship. I am his best friend apparently but I am very over it and want to decrease his attachment to me in a nice way... but he won't let me - he is demanding of my attention which is extremely irritating and is basically making me hate him. Avoiding/ignoring an ENFP seems to make them very dramatic, frustrated and angry and therefore much more annoying. Directly asking for space caused him to try to guilt trip me into talking to him in a way that i thought was blatantly obvious; i don't really want anything to do with someone like that. I think i am going to need to tell him to simply leave me alone and be mean... is there not a nicer way? We have mutual friends so i don't want to create lots of drama, though it seems inevitable as he doesn't seem willing to let his attachment to me go.

You catch them on a moment that they're reasonably stable, not lamenting, and tell them that you need to talk. You explain to them clearly but emphatically that you understand the pain they're going through, and how hard it must be to deal with that, and you do wanna be there for him as a friend, as you do care for them, but you're not sure you're capable of actually providing what they truly need to deal with this properly.


Allow time for them to ask: what do you mean. You then explain to them in the same way as you did to us, minus the harsher parts of how you're resenting him and trying to avoid him, that it's something that's above your capacity, though you clearly see that he needs help and therefore are trying your best but not feeling it's adequate. Emphasize that you like who they are but just don't know how to deal with this. Then proceed to explore their options with them, as this is what you guys are best at. Is there a friend, a teacher, a counsellor, his mother, *anyone* who would be qualified to do this job?


Also, I gotto ask, if it's not too personal, what happened, how long ago was it and is he stuck in a loop? Coz that could mean that he's stuck in ranting mode and not moving on..and that means something needs to happen to get him to the next stage (the five stages of processing shit 'denial to acceptance'). If you could trigger that in some way, you'll find it a lot easier to be around them. I too go mad when someone gets stuck in a loop and refuses blatantly to move naturally through that loop as it is just not healthy..not for the individual, nor the environment.

I know ENFPs can be incredibly intense to deal with, and few people are actually up to this, ime. Don't feel bad, you're not the first, nor will you be the last to feel an incredible need to get away from this *now*
Know that once ENFPs somewhat get a handle on riding the wild Fi-beast, they tend to self-regulate this stuff, and find, as a back-up, someone who can take their rants.

If you would wanna be that person, btw, you can learn to be that (it's incredibly appreciated, trust me), by being your INTJ self, and using your understanding of who they are and how they work to see through the emotions (I'm talking in general now, not if they're stuck on a loop), and help them logically walk through things after they've done the whole ranting/venting thing. It tends to rerail us as we need someone to sort out our thoughts with us

 

[Xander]

The best strategy for dealing with an upset ENFP:

As was told to me by an MBTI professional, it consists of 3 stages.

1. What's the matter?
2. What do you intend to do about it?
3. STFU

Apparently if asking one and two does not lead to an answer then most probably the ENFP is trying to get you as wound up as they are and as such should be silenced as they will achieve no good.

I've been informed by an ENFP that this tactic is adversarial, counter productive and grossly unfair.

So it seems to be working so far

 

[Amargith]

That man needs his license revoked.

 

[Xander]

That man needs his license revoked.

License?

Consultants aren't licensed. You're supposed to just accept them as qualified.

Btw, it does work. It's the same theory as the one Wonka posted... just phrased for an NT's memory

 

[Amargith]

License?

Consultants aren't licensed. You're supposed to just accept them as qualified.

Btw, it does work. It's the same theory as the one Wonka posted... just phrased for an NT's memory

Crude. But this is kinda like your cue-card then I take it? You fill it in a bit more? Plz tell me you soften out those rough edges during the process

 

[Amargith]

License?

Consultants aren't licensed. You're supposed to just accept them as qualified.

Btw, it does work. It's the same theory as the one Wonka posted... just phrased for an NT's memory

Crude. But this is kinda like your cue-card then I take it? You fill it in a bit more? Plz tell me you soften out those rough edges during the process

 

[Xander]

Crude. But this is kinda like your cue-card then I take it? You fill it in a bit more? Plz tell me you soften out those rough edges during the process

Not really. I try to never give my ENFP friend any "side" to what I say. If I ask him to be quiet he should be able to relax knowing that there is a reason I asked and it's not to suppress him or anything. HE should be able to trust that I'm asking him to be quiet so I can say something or I heard something or some such like that. I tend to find that the more I complicate the message, the more his brain finds an alternate meaning which matches what his current mood is. So yeah I'm entirely likely to deliver it warts and all in part just to stop him doing the whole negative ISTJ where he rejects all ideas because he's not sure what he wants but he knows he wants something.

It's been my experience that pandering to NFs is counter productive. Sometimes punching cute ol kitty in the face is precisely what is required to help them feel better. Especially with ENFJs!!

 

[Amargith]

Might work with ENFJs but I think you'll just alienate an ENFP in that way. I can take all the punching you wanna throw at me, but only *after* you've shown that you do understand and respect my pov. I have no problem with most NTJs telling me like it is, but usually they'll first show that they care about me and understand where I'm coming from before they rip me a new one *for my own good* That kinda tough love...really awesome. Do it without the prep though and I just wanna get away from you asap.

 

[Little Linguist]

How to make an ENFP STFU? Wow, good question.

Hmm let me think, how can you make me STFU?

Well, I'm a weird ass, so don't think I'm going to be like other ENFPs, but I can tell you how to make me STFU:

- shock me with an idea I hadn't considered before. This will make me analyze and process the new information.

- say something that hits a big nerve. It'll make me go all emo-ey. But that's a bad kind of quiet. It might also backfire and cause me to go RAWR. Or I'll analyze it to death first, get more and more grumpy, and explode (that is what I used to do when I was younger, not now really).

- distract me. HAAHA. Easy to do unless I'm on a rampage or really, really determined. Then I will just dismiss you as an idiot. But I'm talking about the emo-ey shit. Just distract me.

- get me so pissed that I just ignore you. But that usually first results in a cat fight.

Bottom line: Best way is

A. Emo cat crap: distract me
B. Really serious, determined phase: give me something to chew on

 

[Xander]

Might work with ENFJs but I think you'll just alienate an ENFP in that way. I can take all the punching you wanna throw at me, but only *after* you've shown that you do understand and respect my pov. I have no problem with most NTJs telling me like it is, but usually they'll first show that they care about me and understand where I'm coming from before they rip me a new one *for my own good* That kinda tough love...really awesome. Do it without the prep though and I just wanna get away from you asap.

You've got to remember though that even if you've had the worst day ever you're engaging someone else in conversation. There's now two people's needs in circulation. To an NT running about screaming with no purpose is purposeless. To an ENFP it sometimes seems like the entire purpose.

Oh and this whole reassurance BS that many NFs run with... you don't know enough NTs personally. We don't tell you you're okay, we alert you when you're not. It's kinda a secret language but when you get used to it you can mostly QUIT WORRYING. Seriously

 

[Little Linguist]

You've got to remember though that even if you've had the worst day ever you're engaging someone else in conversation. There's now two people's needs in circulation. To an NT running about screaming with no purpose is purposeless. To an ENFP it sometimes seems like the entire purpose.

Oh and this whole reassurance BS that many NFs run with... you don't know enough NTs personally. We don't tell you you're okay, we alert you when you're not. It's kinda a secret language but when you get used to it you can mostly QUIT WORRYING. Seriously

Yes, it took a while for me to realize that Ts in general always tell you when something is wrong, never when something is right.

A lot of Germans are Ts.

American culture is more F-based in comparison anyway.

So when people don't say anything, I get really nervous. Now I'm used to it though.

 

[Xander]

American culture is more F-based in comparison anyway.

You must live in a really totalitarian area to come to that conclusion!!!

How come if an ENFP can read people and has empathy, they never actually see that they are fine in other people's eyes and always have to ask?

 

[Amargith]

You must live in a really totalitarian area to come to that conclusion!!!

How come if an ENFP can read people and has empathy, they never actually see that they are fine in other people's eyes and always have to ask?

You need some distance to gauge these things correctly, and the hardest part of Fi is learning how to step back and read situations that involve yourself, especially if you're also emotional at the time. It screws up the readings

I once somewhere posted the 4 prerequisites (that I've found so far) to using Fi in order to gain a reasonably reliable result. These two were on that list

 

[Xander]

You need some distance to gauge these things correctly, and the hardest part of Fi is learning how to step back and read situations that involve yourself, especially if you're also emotional at the time. It screws up the readings

I once somewhere posted the 4 prerequisites (that I've found so far) to using Fi in order to gain a reasonably reliable result. These two were on that list

That makes sense. Having guided a couple of ENFPs through some difficult decisions it does seem that once they can rationalise their situation with their feelings clarity does resume but I always assumed that was my preference being projected...

Hmm... interesting.

 

[Little Linguist]

You must live in a really totalitarian area to come to that conclusion!!!

You think the USA is a T-BASED???????? culture??? Whoaaaaaa. Why?

You go into the damn store, and everyone asks how the fuck you are. If you found everything you were looking for. Blah blah freaking blah. Packs your bags. Meets and greets at the store when you come in. When you go out. When you take a cigarette break while your SO is looking at every single fucking aisle for something you may need 10 years from now.

You meet someone you know on the street. First question: How are you? No one gives a rat's fat behind how you are, but it's one of these social niceties.

Small talk. But only certain kinds. No politics. No religion/philosophy. Nothing people might not be familiar with. No sex. In other words, inane bullshit no one cares about.

Parties and shit. Sororities and fraternities. Everyone does volunteer work. Donates to charities, and everyone goes AWWWW, what a nice person. He might beat up his wife when he gets home, but yay he goes to church. What a nice guy.

Positive feedback. Always tell people when they did something right.

And if they do something wrong, always say it nicely.

We do it for the country man. America first. America rocks! America's the best!!! YAYYYYYYYYYY! We're all patriots. Unified!!!!!

Even linguistically. Man. The language illustrates it, too:

- Softening negative stuff. I'm afraid.... Unfortunately.... Well, I see your point, but... You may be on the right track, but.... I'm not quite sure about that.... Well, normally I would love to help, but.... Well, I'm not sure if I have time.

- Asking for things with softening language Would you mind.... Could you please...? Flowery language.

- Question tags 'isn't it?, don't you?, right?'

- If clauses: If you're not doing anything on Saturday, maybe you'd like to hang out?

Dude, English is a pansy language. Seriously.

What happened to:

You're fucking WRONG man. Wronger than wrong. Stinky methane gas wrong.

Do it, damn youuuuuu!!!!! I'm not going to say it again! Get off your fat dumb ass and DOOOOOO ITTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!

You are late. Where the fuck were you?

Nope. It ain't there. And you suck.

This is what I think!

Wanna go out with me? Let's grab a coffee and chat

I suck. You suck. We all suck.

No. NO. N-O spells No. Not yes. Not maybe. Not could be if I won a million dollars. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel shitty, actually. Really shitty. If I feel any shittier, I'll probably barf on your head.

Or kick my in-laws in the butt.

Yeah, that's right. The order's late. You're not the only asshole who wants something.

Do it, please.

I want ________. No, not that. THIS.

No, you're on the wrong ball field. You're swinging a bat on a diamond field playing singing in the rain while we're waging war on the offensive and tackling each other with a damned football.

The weather sucks. Get over it. You bitch when it's hot, cold, sunny, rainy, windy, dry, wet, humid, snowy, icy, and everything else.

And, yes, I'm exaggerating. And ranting. And whatever.

How come if an ENFP can read people and has empathy, they never actually see that they are fine in other people's eyes and always have to ask?

Because I suck at telling. And if I don't ask, I start analyzing too much and causing myself too much aggravation. So asking is easier, quicker, and usually less painful.

 

[Xander]

You think the USA is a T-BASED???????? culture??? Whoaaaaaa. Why?

You go into the damn store, and everyone asks how the fuck you are. If you found everything you were looking for. Blah blah freaking blah. Packs your bags.

Because they're supposed to and that's what the rules say.

You meet someone you know on the street. First question: How are you? No one gives a rat's fat behind how you are, but it's one of these social niceties.

Precisely, they don't actually care but they're supposed to ask. SJ culture. ESxJ and with the whole running the world... ESTJ. Plus more knee jerk reactions than a physiotherapy convention.

Small talk

Parties and shit. Sororities and fraternities. Everyone does volunteer work. Donates to charities, and everyone goes AWWWW, what a nice person. He might beat up his wife when he gets home, but yay he goes to church. What a nice guy.

Positive feedback. Always tell people when they did something right.

Interesting. An extrovert complaining about extroverted traits.

*puts freud hat on*
So, how is your mother?

Even linguistically. Man. The language illustrates it, too:

- Softening negative stuff. I'm afraid.... Unfortunately.... Well, I see your point, but... You may be on the right track, but.... I'm not quite sure about that....

- Asking for things with softening language Would you mind.... Could you please...? Flowery language.

- Question tags 'isn't it?, don't you?, right?'

- If clauses: If you're not doing anything on Saturday, maybe you'd like to hang out?

Dude nice people exist everywhere. Seriously. Like even deepest darkest peru!!

Dude, English is a pansy language. Seriously.

What happened to:

Come round my house. I'll illuminate

Sorry, get your fat ass over here fore I kick it.

And, yes, I'm exaggerating. And ranting. And whatever.

What's the problem?

Because I suck at telling. And if I don't ask, I start analyzing too much and causing myself too much aggravation. So asking is easier, quicker, and usually less painful.

Lol. ENFP expediency. Very ISTJ.

 

[Little Linguist]

Because they're supposed to and that's what the rules say.

Precisely, they don't actually care but they're supposed to ask. SJ culture. ESxJ and with the whole running the world... ESTJ. Plus more knee jerk reactions than a physiotherapy convention.

Interesting. An extrovert complaining about extroverted traits.

*puts freud hat on*
So, how is your mother?


Dude nice people exist everywhere. Seriously. Like even deepest darkest peru!!

Come round my house. I'll illuminate

Sorry, get your fat ass over here fore I kick it.

What's the problem?



Lol. ENFP expediency. Very ISTJ.

GAHHHHHH! Who came up with these shitty ideas? Surely not an XSTJ. They'd say, "Come in, buy our shit, and get the fuck outta here!!!!" lol j/k

All these freaking fake shit. That's what I hate. Freaking fake shit. How are you? And when you answer, they don't even listen.

People never fucking listen. They're only waiting to say their own shit. And it's usually inane because you can't talk about stuff that matters.

Imagine this scenario (I stole this from the other dude, but who cares?)

So how are you?
:steam: I feel like a mixture between horse shit, dog shit, and cat shit.
Uh...uh....welll...uh...why?
:steam: Well, to be entirely honest, my political party lost, I have ten dollars in my account, and I haven't gotten a blow job in about a month, much less real sex.
*gulp* *sigh* Well....that's...relatively...bad.
:steam: BAD??? BAD YOU SAY??? WHAT THE FUCK! IT sucks BALLS, man. And even worse, my in-laws are bitching that I don't go to church!!! As if that's the worst of my problems. I'm about to go to my dog and say.....
Right, well, what nice weather we're having!!!!
:steam: WEather!!!! WEATHER????? WEATHER???? Are you deaf? Insane? Stupid? On crack???? Haven't you been goddamn listening?
Could you watch your language?
:steam: Watch my language???? How should I do that? Draw it on your forehead? YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!

***storms off***

 

[Xander]

So there you have it, a way to identify ENFPs. The moral conviction that if you don't understand them, you're just not listening hard enough.