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  1. #901
    darkened dreams labyrinthine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    ...When it happens the other way around, I assume people are doing that for the same reason. When I find out after that they didn't even really mean those things or are feeling happy now, it hard not to feel pretty frustrated at them for just taking out their emotions on me without any regard for the impact those words have had. I wonder what other kinds of signals I am consistantly missing, what kind of a friend I am, or else what kind of chooser of friend I am.

    It is devastating if you think things between you are mostly okay and then without warning get a torrent of words unleashed on you. For me anyway, I also feel an extreme amount of embarrassment and shame, as I pride myself on trying very hard to look at things from the other person's point of view and not knowingly bothering or hurting them. It makes me feel as if I have been completely unaware of the dynamics between us, or it shovels on loads of extra stuff to sort through before I can get on with giving the person what it is that they need at the time, and its hard for there not to be lingering wariness or annoyance (if it was a false alarm) even if I have forgiven them. I wonder what else there is that may come my way when I least expect it (I hate emotional surprises), or if I should tolerate being someone's emotional punching bag if they didn't really mean what they said. I do assume that anything said either in a joking manner or in the heat of emotion is the unedited version of what they truly believe about me (I don't say everything I think, particularly if it is not productive or I'm not sure it's valid or if I don't want to hurt someone I love and don't think it is best dealt with in that way) and it hurts greatly to know that I'm not safe with someone that I previously thought I was...
    I related to this. I can't comprehend the idea that someone doesn't mean what they say. I realize people will say things in a state of upset, but if someone says it, the ideas came from some place in their mind. Maybe they didn't mean it exactly how it was said, but I do think there is some way that they meant it. I'm never entirely certain how to reconcile it when it comes from left field.
    Step into my metaphysical room of mirrors.
    Fear of reality creates myopic morality
    So I guess it means there is trouble until the robins come
    (from Blue Velvet)

  2. #902
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Yeah, when I say something when I haven't had time to think it over or am really upset (which is rare because I usually undersay things rather than oversay them), it may come out less refined and more unvarnished, but it still has been floating around in there. It's like when people are drunk they just are more unfiltered versions of themselves, but I believe that most of the words and behaviours were floating around somewhere in there before even if they wouldn't normally allow it all out.

  3. #903
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    ...
    I'm confused about whether they work out situations at all. So NFPs, do you work out situations in your head and don't feel the need to express is outwardly?

    If you withold information from an NFJ, you're just causing them pain. And what should NFJs not do to NFPs?

  4. #904
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    Quote Originally Posted by Random Ness View Post
    Question for NFs: When you get into a fight with someone, what do you do? What do you want from it? Do you want to talk things out? Understand each other? Leave it alone? Pretend it never happened?

    I just recently learned that my INFP has a completely different way of coping with arguments than I do.

    For me, I want us to talk about our problems and clear up any misunderstandings. The bad feelings from that argument keep coming back until I do. I want to know that either they have valid points and I should not condemn them or they are just a jerk and I shouldn't waste my sanity on them. I want to know that I've exhausted every possible tool to make amends. Just leaving an argument the way it is is unacceptable and exquisitely painful for me.

    I didn't know that other people don't have this desire. My INFP refused to talk about anything with me and said it was because she didn't want to destroy our friendship. I didn't know her POV, so I thought she was purposely being avoidant and mean. Only recently did I learn that INFPs tend to be satisfied without knowing why an argument happened because they consider talking about things to be a negative waste of energy.

    I admit I was frustrated because if she had just explained this to me, I wouldn't have been so mad at her, and we could have found some kind of common ground so we both could get closure. But I guess she thought I wanted the same type of closure as she did, too.

    So, what do YOU do when you're in an argument with a friend? What do you wish other types would know about your argument style?
    I don't know if this is Fe vs. Fi at all, because there are probably a lot of INxx who can seem "avoidant and mean" for various reasons. One of the reasons why I always flip-flopped between ENFP and INFJ is because I like to talk things out and I'm expressive, and I'm pretty sure that's both a trait of Fe and ENFPs.

    In fact, I'd wager that INFJs are actually more reserved than ENFPs, which made me think I'm not, because I tend to blather more. Also, I know my ENFJ sister asked me once if I could control my emotions a bit more...at home. We're not even talking about a public outburst. I don't see the problem with being openly emo, especially if I'm at home or with people I'm close to.

  5. #905
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    ^^^I just wanted feedback to see if anyone had more insight on the subject, MBTI related or not. I just want to know various people's opinions.

    Lol, I don't see a problem with being emo with people I live with, either. It's only going outside that I try not to be a wet blanket. :P

  6. #906
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Random Ness
    Question for NFs: When you get into a fight with someone, what do you do? What do you want from it? Do you want to talk things out? Understand each other? Leave it alone? Pretend it never happened?
    i want to talk things out immediately, which i have found is not always what the other person wants to do. i want to hear each other out fully (and wait until each person is done speaking to pass judgment), and try to understand one another completely. we don't necessarily have to agree but i want to reach a place of relative harmony.

    i tend to progress very quickly from fiery anger to emo sappiness to mushy gushy warmth...

    Lol, I don't see a problem with being emo with people I live with, either. It's only going outside that I try not to be a wet blanket. :P
    same here! i try to generally contain the emo... but sometimes it results in good talks.

  7. #907
    Senior Member KDude's Avatar
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    Randomness and Skylights: Your avatars look like twins.

    See, Fe and Fi aren't that dramatically different. Why is this thread 90 pages long?!

  8. #908
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    ^ it's only 10 pages long when you have 100 posts per page!
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  9. #909
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    Quote Originally Posted by Random Ness View Post
    I'm confused about whether they work out situations at all. So NFPs, do you work out situations in your head and don't feel the need to express is outwardly?

    If you withold information from an NFJ, you're just causing them pain. And what should NFJs not do to NFPs?
    I almost always work out situations in my mind before responding. I mean I think about what the other person has said, what they have said in the past (our relationship), where I could be wrong in my perceptions, before I address something. Again because I choose what I'[m going to say very carefully and as fideia said, I too take it to heart if I hear something hurtful from someone I care for. If I say something hurtful, I feel that adds up in the end. The other person will feel less safe and betrayed on some level.

    I see what you mean about withholding information. I've thought about how my not saying or explaining myself in the moment may be construed as a withdrawal and anger. But, for me, it's not that at all. I need time to process what's just happened and not say something I don't mean. However, recently with one good friend, I realized that not talking about something when it arose was causing confusion. In that instance, I decided it was best not to wait but just clear it up by talking and getting his feedback. My experience with him has taught me the benefits of getting immediate feedback from someone, rather than waiting. The downside of going away to process is that you may miss the opportunity to get that feedback or clear things up. Then, the friend may be left in the dark about how you really felt until another situation arises.

  10. #910
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    @KDude and PeaceBaby: Wow, guys. xD

    @skylights: Does immediate feedback ever cause you to say something you regret? Do you bug people if they want to wait until they finally talk to you (not that it's a bad thing; that's what I do)? Do you get frustrated when people don't ever want to talk about it?

    @Lauren: That sounds like my method, actually. I'm okay with waiting for feedback (since I don't give immediate feedback, either) under one condition--we eventually talk about it! So then do you eventually give feedback? I was wondering what the thought processes are of people who don't give feedback and just leave things alone. Is it a coping strategy or being immature? I'm not sure.

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