I think CzeCze is spot on here. When an Fi user expresses their Fi in a socially (inappropriate / clueless / tactless / honest with no fake Fe BS) kind of way, this usually has nothing to do with the people surrounding the Fi-user. Or perhaps, more correctly, if it rocks the social boat then this is not necessarily intentional. In fact, it's probably almost never intentional.
What you have to remember is that when push comes to shove, Fi is about speaking the truth. A young Fi user may not even realize why their truthiness (thank you Mr. Colbert) causes such an uproar. Your friend may have been puzzled by your irritated response. From her perspective, she was just telling you how she felt.
The above explanation, of course, doesn't excuse whinyness and immaturity. Most Fi users would not deliberately want to bring down the mood of a room full of people. For example, it is an important Fi value to me that I make everyone around me feel comfortable. So I work very hard at being aware of other people's feelings. But when I was in my early 20s I needed to practice this a lot to get it right.
Let me suggest another way you could have responded that perhaps would have satisfied you both in that you would have acknowledged her feelings (important to Fi) and still expressed your exasperation and rectified the situation. I think the key for Fe users when communicating with Fi users about an Fi driven behavior that the Fe user has a problem with, is to remind the Fi users of how what she is doing violates her Fi values. For example, instead of publicly rebuking her, you could pull her over to the side and say with empathy, "I'm sorry the game isn't working for you, but by being so vocal about it you're making it difficult for the others to enjoy themselves." I know if you had said that to me, I would have probably had to choke back my tears while I was apologizing. My guilt would have been immense. And, (I think this is an Fi thing) I would have needed 20 minutes alone in the powder room to regroup. Then I would have come out as the life of the party... determined to make everyone else as comfortable as possible.
Let me reiterate that the key points are:
- A private reprimand. It is very easy for an Fi user to perceive that the Fe user is using the group dynamic to control them. And, it is my experience that this is a natural way Fe handles certain situations. It may seem reasonable to you, an Fe user, to do this, but you need to be aware that this is possibly the worst and most-counterproductive move you can make when trying to communicate with an Fi user. To say it is very poorly received by the Fi user is the understatement of the year. The moment the Fi user smells this, bi-directional communication is over. For the Fi user it becomes, "How dare you try to gang up on me. You are trying to control me." This diverts attention away from the original problem.
- Refer to Other Fi Values. For the Fi user (or at least for me) there are values and then there are VALUES. Yes, me being honest about my feelings is an important value to me. But not making others uncomfortable is a far more important value. You, the Fe user, can use this to your advantage by reminding the Fi user that their behavior is conflicting with another of their Fi values. If you can do this, you'll be a black belt in Fi user inter-relations in no time.
I think Fi users speak to each other in symbolic value statements that may sound, to the Fe user, like a secret, unintelligible code. But what's really going on is Fi users referring to values (in the abstract / archetypal sense) with each other. Think of it sort of like Fi users constantly using fables to make their points. I don't think I'm explaining this very well, but maybe it will help if I tell you that I'm able to look at a situation and almost instantly crystallize it into 3 or 4 values that are in operation. I naturally (perhaps from years of practice) know which are the "Most Important" values at play. And, I work very hard to stay true to those values.
So as an Fe user, if you can figure out some of these archetypal values at play, and then refer to them, it's sort of like you're speaking Fi language. I'll get it... in a way all the finger wagging in the world won't communicate.
I hope this helps some Fe users who have asked me how to respond to an Fi user they are having problems with.
About the INTPs... I have several realllllly good INTP friends. But I have noticed that when they get into their "yuck, yay, or boo place" (Thank you Mr. CzeCze.) they will express these emotions at socially inappropriate times. I've never interpreted this as a lack of Fe awareness but more of a dominance of Ti-ness which can have maudlin tendencies. In other words, their Ti expressions override their social radar and they can just start kvetching in a way that it brings down the mood of the room. And, put two INTPs together that synch up their kvetching.... it is not a pretty, or pleasant sight.