I'll share a personal story, NOT with the intent for you all to tell me what I could have done better.
A couple of years ago we went on an extended family vakay, including my family, my ENFJ sister-in-law (we'll call her 'N') and her husband & kids, and my MIL. As usual, I do the research, finding out what everyone wants to do and where we can best meet all those needs and wants, and then plan & book the trip; my MIL has confidence (I suppose) that I can sort out all the details plus take care of all the people issues in the process. Fair enough, and true that. Plus it can be fun looking at all the possibilities! (And I know I could just say NO at this point because I know what kind of issues to expect and I could avoid having to get saddled with the tasks, but I don't. OK? I try to be a help.)
Anyways, I find this great deal early on in my research, but to do due diligence, I check out some additional resorts, compare prices, wheel & deal to get us the best price. Everyone is happy, MIL approves, but just before booking the trip, I mean, same day I am about to PAY and less than two weeks before we leave, the sis-in-law decides she wants to change countries we are looking at. Countries! And my MIL doesn't say no, she says, "Well, if that's what 'N' wants ..." Because, no one wants to pi** off 'N'!
So, OK fine, to keep everyone happy, I look at the new country, and behold - I see this great deal where we could all be in a 5 bedroom 4000 sq ft beachside villa, same cost - the most unique and best value of everything I have found so far! So, I get excited about that! But, sis-in-law doesn't like it because there's not unlimited drinks, so OF COURSE we are not going to choose that, and I feel annoyed to have my time thusly wasted, and my previous and present rational analyses discarded on a whim. (We ended up going to the first option I recommended anyway btw, and it was a great resort, so I had back-up plans crafted to suit these kinds of last-minute problems.)
But, I was annoyed with sis-in-law being over-represented, and at this point in my life I am not prepared to just swallow all my feelings on the matter. So, after I gather the courage to face her Fe fire and say I hadn't felt equally heard by her, that my opinion seemed to somehow matter less, you know what she said to me? "This was a democracy PB, and I didn't think your idea was what we wanted to do, so I guess YOU LOST." So, I am heard, but dismissed; majority rules, and my feelings don't matter either, apparently. I lost. Nice.
Fe does work like this AT TIMES, believing it knows what is best for all but really it's just best for the Fe user (not all the time of course, but sometimes.)
This is an extreme example to illustrate that point.
I would not say this is expecting some "special snowflake treatment" on my part, it's just the decency to treat someone on an even & equal level. My SIL would even believe she was being open and fair, which compounds the issue because she doesn't see how her own preferences already bias finding a fair solution for all! She has already made up her mind on several key factors and will not budge. So who is really making everyone happy, who is forced to flex? Usually I don't mind, because broaching the subject is hardly worth the trouble. But sometimes ... you know, I matter. I am important too. I have opinions, even if I am not as vocal about them. Don't pretend we live in a democracy when we really don't.
But let's imagine a work scenario instead now, where the construct of the environment lends itself to clearer examination than situations with baggage attached (with family, etc.) Fe-er holds a meeting, asks for input. Often this is ALL that happens ... it can appear as lip service to the task to see what's "good" for everyone; it's a different matter to actually create an environment where even the introverts comfortably share, where you are really tapped into everyone on a personal level. Where you sense the inner dissension and probe further to find where you are losing people along the way. I know that's not always practical, but it sure can be affirming and provide a team that's behind you as the leader 100%.
No. If I am not asked, or am asked but dismissed, I will feel annoyed though.Is it genuinely difficult to accept not getting your ideal desired outcome?
No. I try for win-win, but it's not always practical. Unless it is a clear moral matter. Then, compromise is not acceptable.Does compromise of any sort lead you to feel this way?
Yes, generally, unless it is a clear moral matter. Then again, compromise is not acceptable.What would you consider to be a good outcome with a Fe user? One where you felt valued. Are you okay with a compromise outcome if the Fe user heard you out and explored the possibilities, but ultimately felt that it wouldn't best suit the needs of the group?
It takes a lot of work, yes. It's not about making everyone 100% happy, so much as making people feeling validated, like they matter too even if the decision is not their favored outcome.I think what's hard for me to understand is that I can't imagine there ever being a situation in which each and every member of the group felt like every shade and nuance of their opinion was validated and a solution emerged in which everyone was 100% happy.
We know.We just haven't cared about you MORE than the other person.