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  1. #1
    Senior Member Lily flower's Avatar
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    Default INFJ feeling alone?

    Anybody relate to this?

    I have a husband who loves and adores me. I have a best friend who I can talk about anything with. My children love me. I have friends to go out to lunch with and have game nights. Even my relationship with God/Jesus is probably about as good as it gets...

    And yet I often feel alone and I feel like I have a need for love that isn't ever going to be completely filled. Why is this? Is it some horrible INFJ curse? Is there some way to accept the love that people give to me so that it doesn't all drain away?
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  2. #2
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    I have had those feelings in the past. Yours was not my situation, mine was very different. Have you ever thought that maybe you're not open enough with the people in your life that love you? And I don't mean in a 'you can tell them everything sense, so you must be being open..' I mean that for love to honestly be felt (for me), love has to go both ways. It must flow. If you are receiving love and not being as open to it (and be honest about it with yourself), then that could cause the feelings of being submerged in love but being in a bubble that never really allows it to fully reach you, and hence feeling lonely amidst people who love you. Maybe try sharing more of your world with them.. even if you think it will burden them. Often times I don't share what I am thinking or feeling because of that and then you are left alone with that discontent.. It adds up. Being in your own world can be great but in the end you're the only one there.

    Now I have no idea if that describes you, I am only speaking of what I know of myself. I truly hope you feel better.
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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  3. #3
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    I think Lux asks some good questions and poses some things to think about.

    To be honest, though, when I read the OP, my immediate answer was that it's not an INFJ thing at all - that it has nothing to do with being INFJ or any type (I've seen extroverts of all types post similar things from time to time on this board - so it has nothing to do with the number of contacts you have or the amount you share). That it's a human condition, that everyone experiences this from time to time. Maybe in varying degrees, but I am quite certain this is a side effect of being a sentient being. After all, we are and always have been in our own mind, and are unique individuals, the only one precisely like us with the same set of experiences in the world. And our awareness? All of our thoughts and feelings and all of that? Yes, we can share of ourselves, and become closer to those we share to, but we'll never find someone who will KNOW who we are, precisely, as they aren't us and aren't in our mind/body. They'll never *really* know what it's like to be us - to look out at the world with our eyes. No one will. The reverse of this is that we can't possibly know what it's like, really, to be in another persons' mind with other thoughts/perceptions spinning around. But I guess I've gained a sense of peace with this over the years.... because I take heart in the fact that everyone else is in the same boat as I. So that relieves the loneliness a bit, and it also provides the bridge/opportunity to feel more of an affinity and closeness to others. Ironically.

    But yes, sometimes I'm horribly lonely and feel utterly alone in this world. I see those bubbles/moments of feeling as 'normal' though - normal to everyone on this planet.

    And, your need for love might not ever be fulfilled in the way you really desire by any one person outside yourself for all time, at the deepest part of your core... if this is a fact of life - a reality - do you think you would be able to reach a point of peace/comfort with this? Do you think you would be able to accept it? I think a part of the intense loneliness is a dissonance, not wanting to accept that this might be the case, not wanting this to be how life might actually be (at least sometimes)... but if you would be able to accept it, the dissonance might slowly flow away or cease to have power or prominence in your mind.....
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  4. #4
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    "We're all of us sentenced to solitary confinement inside our own skins, for life!" --Tennessee Williams

  5. #5
    Member kccrush's Avatar
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    I think you need to find something in your life outside of those multiple people who love you. And that something needs to be what you throw yourself and your desires into. When you come back from that activity, you'll be fit for the type of love you describe.

    The alternative would be to find that kind of passionate love affair that gave you everything you desire. But since you are married and have a family, I don't think this is an available option for you (and honestly even for those unmarried INFJs, I don't think that this true love situation is ever the panacea it appears).

    You have to make your own lovely universe and come back from that to embrace the other earthly part you've already started.

  6. #6
    Senior Member tibby's Avatar
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    I think INFJs may be prone to it (Ni can be a bitch) if they haven't got supporting, understanding, close people in their lives. Communication bridges gaps. I want to help people understand, and just the process makes me feel better, and more close to them. Everyone understands from their own perspective, but for me just being heard, just being listened to and the effort mean a lot. I think it lies in communication, in the trying. It's just the matter of wanting to be vulnerable, and most people don't, me included. Most people fear it, but it isn't a type thing I think. But I think you'd be surprised how similar people really are at the end of the day.

    I think we're all in hiding in the world, and all yearning. In our own ways. (And then we're prescribed pills by labels and categorized).

  7. #7
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    Do you feel like your husband or your best friend understand you intellectually?

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lux View Post
    Have you ever thought that maybe you're not open enough with the people in your life that love you? And I don't mean in a 'you can tell them everything sense, so you must be being open..' I mean that for love to honestly be felt (for me), love has to go both ways. It must flow. If you are receiving love and not being as open to it (and be honest about it with yourself), then that could cause the feelings of being submerged in love but being in a bubble that never really allows it to fully reach you, and hence feeling lonely amidst people who love you.
    This is good.

  9. #9
    Junior Member Oddity's Avatar
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    I hate this feeling too. No matter how many people I love are around me, I feel so alone. Maybe it's the 4w5 coming out in me, but I feel like an outsider in the group... an imposter, or someone who is just extremely different.
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  10. #10
    Member HiddenAutumn's Avatar
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    I don't feel lonely like I used to when I was younger; however, I often don't feel loved for some reason and I'm like you, I have great friends, family, God and Jesus. You know what I found the problem was and is: I needed to serve others more. I've been trying to make an effort everyday to do something for someone else and I've been trying to make more plans to be charitable and spend more time thinking of others rather than overanalyzing myself and I'm already finding a deeper sense of joy and purpose. I don't know if this is what you need too but it seems to be working for me. It's kind of a relief.

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