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  1. #1
    `~~Philosoflying~~` SillySapienne's Avatar
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    Default A frightening epiphany....

    Except for my last relationship, I have had somewhat of a trend dating guys who were, more, or less, entirely lacking in depth.

    I have always been, what one would call, a "deep" person. I think deeply, and I feel deeply, and that's just the way I operate. Sensitive, and thorough, yes, I am both these things...

    Back to the topic at hand, the sad revelation I've had, which is... For some strange reason I have comfortably found myself in romantic relationships with men who were neither emotionally, nor mentally as deep as I. Our relationship would consist of eating, sleeping, and sexually pleasing each other. A coexistence sans any mental stimulation.

    My ex happened to be the deepest guy I've ever been with by a longshot, but he only thought deeply, and was rather lacking in the "Feelings/Emotions" department.

    I wonder what it would be like to be with another "Philosopher Poet", would it be like fucking yourself? Would it be utterly exhausting, and therefore ultimately not worth it?

    I guess I do view men like dogs, but in the best sense, that is that they're loyal, eager to please, and relatively simple.

    I don't know what the point of this thread is, exactly, perhaps to ask for other's opinions on the matter, or perhaps more honestly to ask, is something wrong with this?

    Can a relationship consist of, and persist with two NFs?

  2. #2
    Senior Member alcea rosea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    Can a relationship consist of, and persist with two NFs?
    I have no real experience but I would say that with 2 similar personalities it would be that you have double strengths and double weaknesses. So you would understand each other easily but not that much growing up in sense of learning from different person. Lots of comfortable feeling in this relationship I might say.

    When in relationship with your opposite you would have equal strengths and weaknesses but a lot of need for understanding a different person + lots of things to learn. So lots of growing + understanding needed.

    Did this make any sense?

  3. #3
    you are right mippus's Avatar
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    I don't know if it is of any help...
    I know quite a few couples where both partners have very similar types, and many are succesful. Strangely enough, the best couples I think of now all have the same type apart from E/I, so INFP and ENFP, ENTP and INTP, ESFP and ISFP, and now that I list them, they are all P's.
    Hm, strange coincidences, probably of no value at all
    Vanitas vanitatum omnia vanitas

  4. #4
    To the top of the world arcticangel02's Avatar
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    The ideal type for an ENFP in a romantic relationship is apparently the INTJ, so the NT must be good for us.
    ANFP:
    Extraversion (52%) ---- Introversion (48%)
    Sensing (26%) ---- iNtuition (74%)
    Thinking (16%) ---- Feeling (84%)
    Judging (5%) ---- Perceiving (95%)

    9w1 so/sx/sp

  5. #5
    Senior Member tovlo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    Can a relationship consist of, and persist with two NFs?
    Absolutely! My experience is that it can be amazing.

    However, I think people are a lot more than their MBTI type. I don't think every NF would be ecstatically happy in relationship with another NF as I am. I don't know that every other NF would value what I value in relationship.

    I guess I do view men like dogs, but in the best sense, that is that they're loyal, eager to please, and relatively simple.
    I think it's likely we would enjoy the company of very different sorts of men despite both being NF.

    I don't know what the point of this thread is, exactly, perhaps to ask for other's opinions on the matter, or perhaps more honestly to ask, is something wrong with this?
    I'd like to address a different question. Instead of questioning if something is wrong with this, I'd like to ask if you feel your current approach is taking you to places you desire to be? If it is, then I say continue on. If it's not, perhaps it's time to try a different path.
    "We don't see things as they are,
    we see things as we are."
    ...Anais Nin

  6. #6
    heart on fire
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    I guess I do view men like dogs, but in the best sense, that is that they're loyal, eager to please, and relatively simple.
    I could never go for a simple man. I like complexity and high imagination. I have been married many years to a INFJ. It is not like being with myself. He's different from me in enough ways so that it is not that way.

    You have to please yourself though. No one else can say whether your way or right or wrong for you but you.

  7. #7
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Hm, from reading your response in the 'lapdance' thread and knowing you referred to yourself as a 'misanthrope', maybe you

    1) Don't have high expectations and make them come true? On some level you dont' expect a man to be deep and so you don't seek out someone who will match you in this way.

    2) You don't actually want a 'deep' man. Perhaps you fear the intimacy on some level or don't want to be challenged or ???

    3) After having one such relationship, you just fell into a pattern by repeating and emulating the behaviors that netted you the first guy?

    Also, practically speaking it could also be affected by your age and where you usually meet guys. I know it's been said elsewhere on another thread, but women mature much faster than men on the emotional/self-reflective tip. And even when the guy is mature in this way, I think men really do deal with emotions differently. It takes certain kinds of men who are already deep-thinkers or sensitive or thoughtful, like artists, activists, social workers, you know the type (or maybe not from your dating history).

    Also, even though you said you were a misanthrope and deep, you are still an ENFP, and ENFPs generally have at the very least, a silly or even crazy or wild side. You mentioned you got on the dais and stripped for kicks on vacation once, that kinda says to me you are adventurous, spontaneous, and like to have fun. So it makes sense that you attract guys who like these qualities in you, but don't see your other 'deep' side to you or themselves shy away from what you consider depth and just like to have fun. Perhaps you assume they won't enjoy or be able to go to the level or kinds of conversation that you want to have and so you moderate this side of you around them. Perhaps you unknowingly seek introverts and listeners to complement your extroversion and talking inclination and your previous bf's were more than happy to do just that. It's not a bad arrangement at all, but if you want something else, I guess some kind of shake up is in order.

    Just some rambling suggestions.

    If you are single and dating now, how are you now going about getting the kind of guy you want?

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by CaptainChick View Post
    Can a relationship consist of, and persist with two NFs?
    I'm not an NF (I sort of vacillate), but I did date more than one NT....in fact.....I'm guessing that most of them were NTs. Even though more than one of them was mentally stimulating, the relationships didn't seem to involve too much emotion or feeling. I suppose at the time, I was fine with the "glossing over" of that area of my life. Now that area seems to be more important to me. It seems like this would be true with two NFs. I remember reading that Ns....NEED another N, but NF and NT would allow you to support weaknesses in each other. I would never date a person who was opposite as it is too much drama to constantly try to see things from a perspective that you don't understand. I do not believe that relationships should be that hard...because they aren't with your friends. Otherwise...they wouldn't be your friends. I can't imagine being with an SJ...pulling me down to earth like a stone, and unknowingly shattering my dreams and ideals.

    I do think that there are MANY men (and women for that matter) that are really, really simple....and they just want to have a simple life with friends, sex and some fun. These people don't ponder much and do even less in terms of seeking truth, knowledge, changing the world, etc. But there are some men who spend a lot of time thinking about how they feel, volunteering (on their own), etc. The trouble is...where are they? If you find out where they are....let me know...cause I've been looking for them all my life.

  9. #9
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Talking just about real-life relationships:

    One of the best marriages I know is an INFP/INFJ pairing. He is very INFP, she is an INFJ with a low Ni (closer to S), but they're like the "dream marriage" even having gone through some very hard times together (from external pressures, not internal ones).

    But many of the INFJ women I know seem to marry SP men. I don't know what the appeal is, although I know Se is the inferior and maybe they just really admire the Se qualities of these men or find them attractive/exciting in some way? They seem to enjoy being the stable/anchor force, and being with an SP male gives them more control over the relationship because the males tends to let them decide more of the particulars. INFPs seem more apt to want to find another "dreamer" type to be with.

    If I did ever go through the dating and marriage thing again, though, I would be looking for an N mate.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    If I did ever go through the dating and marriage thing again, though, I would be looking for an N mate.
    Thank you for your insight. It is helpful to know that there are many NTs (and I'm sure NFs too) that are looking for the N factor. There is something about another N...and the deeper conversations that I have...which cannot be duplicated with S people.

    There are times when the S factor is a turn off to me, especially when combined with J. In some way, I feel that this combination (even in friends) pulls me down and stifles my creativity....and I can't wait to go home and get away from them.

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