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  1. #1
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    Default infjs and casual sex

    around my infj friends there is this one girl, quite smart, strong moral backbone etc (usually), artsy (a painter and graphic designer), basically fits the description of the infj in every way possible...

    i am asking this because apart from her, all my other infj friends, male or female, including me, have a tendency to be flirty but very choosy on whom to date, etc

    so, she gets to meet a lot of guys, goes to a lot of parties etc, and will date a few guys here and there, but seems to never stick to one. she got out of a bad relationship about a year back, and is now even looking into casual sex with some of the guys she meets.

    i dont understand it. i mean, would that be explainable with shadow functions and her being hurt from that said past relationship?
    she used to be very romantic and have a strong adversion to "flighty" behavior like that (she calls it like this herself) but now she doesn't think of it "as a bad thing".

    i am not saying that i dont approve or anything, it is just that i havent ever seen such patterns in any other infj friends in my surrounding.
    she went through the normal post-break up anger and grief phases (we did talk a lot and she also talked with a few other close friends) and seems to be well recovered, even sometimes talks about a new relationship, but in the meantime cant hold on to any guy. the other day when i asked what she finds about the guys that she dates and eventually sleeps with if she knows that it is not really going anywhere anyways, she didnt really have any explanation herself. but she did say that she readily moves on.

    is she in trouble? can i help? should i just let it go and not worry about it? i mean, she is my friend and i just worry that she may be doing something she later regrets.

  2. #2
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    i am basically just questioning her behavior from the perspective of having casual sex when knowing it would not go anywhere. she used to share the approach of sex being a spiritual thing and the physical demonstration of deeper feelings for each other.

  3. #3
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Might be a phase, a way of working through her hurt. She might regret it later, but I don't think there is much anyone can do until she's ready to work on it in what might be a more constructive way. Therapy might help her work through it more quickly and with less damage but it doesn't sound like that's what she's looking for right now. INFJs aren't immune to this stuff, just more prone to other stuff.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  4. #4
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    I can't pretend to know how other people view it, but if she had strong morals before it could just be inferior Se creeping in. Putting her Ni considerations "into perspective". Or maybe she just gets a lot of attention from the opposite sex and just starts saying "why not?" after a while because she feels lonely or something.

    I will tell you though that this world was not meant for idealists and if that is her way to learn to cope and adapting to reality...then it's her prerogative.

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    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    I will tell you though that this world was not meant for idealists and if that is her way to learn to cope and adapting to reality...then it's her prerogative.
    Ain't that the truth! :steam:
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  6. #6
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    I can't pretend to know how other people view it, but if she had strong morals before it could just be inferior Se creeping in. Putting her Ni considerations "into perspective". Or maybe she just gets a lot of attention from the opposite sex and just starts saying "why not?" after a while because she feels lonely or something.

    I will tell you though that this world was not meant for idealists and if that is her way to learn to cope and adapting to reality...then it's her prerogative.
    I think the 'Why Not' piece is true. Also, I know from personal experience that after doing or being a certain way for a while (even if it's your 'true self'), if that's not working out so great, it sometimes becomes easy to justify and rationalize trying something new, and really reaching for or trying to achieve more of a living-in-the-moment mentality...or whatever it is that you decide has been crimping your life or style or making things harder for you. For infj, it could easily be the Se thing.

    I haven't personally done the casual sex thing, but I have a handful of times done things that aren't characteristically 'Me', simply out of curiosity or as an experiment. To see if I've been missing something -some other perspective - and also in the name of Letting Go more. I don't see it as an entirely bad thing, and I would imagine it's just a passing phase for her. If she doesn't seem to be self-destructing, and seems to be generally ok with her life and with what she's doing, then I think it's probably ok and she'll probably swing back more towards who she is once she's gotten whatever it is she's trying to get out of her system, or trying to learn, or playing with. Yes, she might regret some of it when looking back, but I'd imagine she will also have learned quite a lot about herself in the process. Not only who she is, but who she isn't.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  7. #7
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
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    ^I wonder if INFJs work differently in this regard. Not about casual sex in particular, but, if a precedent was introduced (something you said you'd never do) would that make it impossible to ever profess the same value again?

    As an ENFP, I'm forced to be detached from context and if I'm not coherent with myself I self-destruct and can't go back or I feel like a hypocrite.

  8. #8
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    ^I wonder if INFJs work differently in this regard. Not about casual sex in particular, but, if a precedent was introduced (something you said you'd never do) would that make it impossible to ever profess the same value again?

    As an ENFP, I'm forced to be detached from context and if I'm not coherent with myself I self-destruct and can't go back or I feel like a hypocrite.
    I don't think it would be impossible, no. For myself, I would look at that interim 'phase' with disgust, probably, with a good dose of self-loathing (at least initially), but would also be able to say I simply didn't know enough about myself at the time, and through that process learned. But through discussions with another nfp, I think this can be one key difference.. just the ability of the nfj to maybe 'flow' a bit more and have identity altering/morphing throughout life, and that doesn't imply a contradiction necessarily. Continuous refinement of ideas, maybe, and I doubt you'd ever go back to *exactly* the same place, as you'd be adding components of what you've learned since.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  9. #9
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    she did say that there were more important things on her mind right now than being in a relationship, and seems overall really composed and happy.
    it is just that this is 180° different from what i am used to from her, and it has increased in the past few months, especially since she considered having a relationship again.
    i must refine, she doesnt just sleep around though, it only happens when she finds somebody physically appealing and has a good connection to them but i wonder why she wont jump in and maybe try to get things to be more serious then?

    she basically runs away like a scared horse as soon as one of the guys will suggest being more comitted.

    maybe i am just in a different place right now, and she seems to have a j going strong onto p, whereas i am very much a j. or maybe this doesnt have so much to do with my misunderstanding of her behavior.

  10. #10
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    ^I wonder if INFJs work differently in this regard. Not about casual sex in particular, but, if a precedent was introduced (something you said you'd never do) would that make it impossible to ever profess the same value again?

    As an ENFP, I'm forced to be detached from context and if I'm not coherent with myself I self-destruct and can't go back or I feel like a hypocrite.
    I doubt it. We can do all kinds of weird, contradictory things with our brains and we can turn on a dime from one strong opinion to the opposite. Or it looks like turning on a dime, it can be something we're mulling over for quite awhile or it can be something that experience suddenly tells us in no uncertain terms we were wrong.

    And like cascadeco says, we tend to see ourselves as evolving and growing, so we are aware that some of those stages are unattractive and not as constructive as they could have been, but still a growing experience that helped us to evolve and develop new perspectives and refine our values.

    You can do something, decided it was not a good thing to have done, and hold a value that says that doing that particular thing is not good without, IMO, being a hypocrite.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

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