[ENFP] The basic ENFP dilemma

[Vamp]

I also have little patience for meaningless small talk. I met a guy I think is INXP that feels the same. We live states apart, tho.

I used to think I was just being unsociable but I realize now I crave deep thoughts. Not necessarily text book philosophy but an interesting, unorthodox conversation at least. The lost art of conversation. Stream of consciousness talking.

 

[Wonkavision]

Wonka..is your wife an enneagram 4 ?

Yep.

 

[Lady_X]

Yep.

cool...so i bet her lil interior world is endlessly fascinating for your 7 self...is she better at being emotionally expressive than you? her being dom fi and 4? just curious...sorry if i'm prying...

 

[tortoise]

Sytpg, I know what you mean. I have, in reference to myself, used this phrase, "One of the foibles of getting older is that I have an increasingly minimal patience for bullshit." With every passing year, I have increasingly less tolerance for ephemeral social niceties that waste my time.

And, tortoise, I loved your OP. I COMPLETELY feel lonely... longing for someone that I can pour my heart out to. Someone who gets the REAL me. Such persons are very few and far between. But as I look back over my life, some definite patterns start to emerge.

In terms of my friends and loved ones lessening my own loneliness, certain types are a better fit for me than others. (especially Ns over Ss.) INFPs have always been my closest friends. I'm in my late thirties, and in my 20 or so years of adulthood, I've always had an INFP BFF. I feel like I can let my guard down and be myself around them. I think of my current INFP BFF. She and I are inseparable. I can reveal to her my innermost self... and she gets it. Ohhhh. I adore her so much.

And in the romantic relationships department, I've also noticed very definite patterns. INTJs & INFJs (same dominant function in the reverse directions, viz., they have Ni dominance and I have Ne dominance) and ISTPs (my Socionics duals) have been the most significant romantic relationships in my life. And I think one of the reasons that I have chosen these men is that they get me. They are able to fill the void I so much want to be filled... They are able to *really* get me.

I really love this thread. And I appreciate a lot of the funny banter on here, but it also saddens me a bit because I think this is a very important issue for ENFPs. I think it drives a lot of our behavior. So I'd love to hear some serious and insightful thoughts from other ENFPs on this subject.

Yep, INFJ/INTJ girls are the ones I am definitely attracted to instinctively. They're the ones that get my heart beating faster. There's something about them ... however I married an INFP, who gets me more than anyone else on this planet, but an INFP/ENFP marriage is a BAD IDEA.

 

[Vamp]

Almost every ENFP in this thread has changed their avatar within the last week. What does that mean?

I can relate to the OP somewhat yeah.


My problem seems to be though, that unlike other ENFPs, I have very little patience for superficial interaction. I'm blunt in showing the inside part that ENFPs are afraid to show...and because I do it in a passionate, aggressive way....lol, yeah people don't respond to that in the nicest way sometimes.

So ENFPs, if you want proof of how uncool it is to reveal depth in normal interaction....here I am

I do both of those things (I mentioned my hatred of small talk before). When some shows a causal interest in something I like I go from 0 to insane in less than a second. I also accidentally get too personal too early. ....leads to alienation and being known as a "crazy bitch".

 

[tortoise]

When some shows a causal interest in something I like I go from 0 to insane in less than a second. I also accidentally get too personal too early. ....leads to alienation and being known as a "crazy bitch".

Yep. Same. Argh. I freak people out when I do that.

 

[tortoise]

If I'm at a party and I meet someone who I have a bit of a connection with, I tend to try to monopolise them and find out just how deep the connection goes. It comes across as intense and I try to stop doing it. Intensity drives most people away.

I hate having to hold it all in ... but I've learnt that people are mostly only comfortable with building a connection bit by bit, over time. If I really want to get to know people (one of the main drivers in my life) then I have to be patient so as to not scare them off.

 

[Vamp]

If I'm at a party and I meet someone who I have a bit of a connection with, I tend to try to monopolise them and find out just how deep the connection goes. It comes across as intense and I try to stop doing it. Intensity drives most people away.

I hate having to hold it all in ... but I've learnt that people are mostly only comfortable with building a connection bit by bit, over time. If I really want to get to know people (one of the main drivers in my life) then I have to be patient so as to not scare them off.

If I meet someone I have a connection with I keep aloof. It makes them come to you if they're at all interested and it prevents setting yourself up for failure by having high hopes on a perceived connection. If they're interested in you they'll seek you out, that would make the connection real instead of just perceived by one party.

I hate having to hold it all in too but I've gotten better at being solitary and investing my happiness in finding others like me in that I don't do it as much. I still have flights of fancy and longing (because I am lonely for a real connection, it actually interfered with my school and work) but I offset it with a

 

[tortoise]

Sytpg, I know what you mean. I have, in reference to myself, used this phrase, "One of the foibles of getting older is that I have an increasingly minimal patience for bullshit." With every passing year, I have increasingly less tolerance for ephemeral social niceties that waste my time.

And, tortoise, I loved your OP. I COMPLETELY feel lonely... longing for someone that I can pour my heart out to. Someone who gets the REAL me. Such persons are very few and far between. But as I look back over my life, some definite patterns start to emerge.

In terms of my friends and loved ones lessening my own loneliness, certain types are a better fit for me than others. (especially Ns over Ss.) INFPs have always been my closest friends. I'm in my late thirties, and in my 20 or so years of adulthood, I've always had an INFP BFF. I feel like I can let my guard down and be myself around them. I think of my current INFP BFF. She and I are inseparable. I can reveal to her my innermost self... and she gets it. Ohhhh. I adore her so much.

And in the romantic relationships department, I've also noticed very definite patterns. INTJs & INFJs (same dominant function in the reverse directions, viz., they have Ni dominance and I have Ne dominance) and ISTPs (my Socionics duals) have been the most significant romantic relationships in my life. And I think one of the reasons that I have chosen these men is that they get me. They are able to fill the void I so much want to be filled... They are able to *really* get me.

I really love this thread. And I appreciate a lot of the funny banter on here, but it also saddens me a bit because I think this is a very important issue for ENFPs. I think it drives a lot of our behavior. So I'd love to hear some serious and insightful thoughts from other ENFPs on this subject.

For me, the issue at the heart of this thread is totally the real issue with being ENFP, as opposed to the weaknesses we're all so aware of. The stuff about schedules, deadlines, tax forms, remembering the milk etc., well, those are a matter of training and maturity -- realising that do have to meet others' reasonable expectations and finding strategies to deal with those things. It's relatively surface-level, although the feelings of resentment and annoyance about schedules etc. and anger at a world that seems to only care about these things when there are millions starving and oppressed, can go quite deep.

No, the dilemma of getting our energy from our interactions, and the need for those interactions, and the frequent disappointment that those interactions don't go far enough because you have to keep stuff hidden so as not to scare people off ... that to me is the REAL problem because it seems like something that can't be dealt with just by strengthening Te or whatever.

 

[Goosebump]

I find myself listening to my ENFP friend more than she does. She's usually amazed by how well I know her and considers me a good friend because I remember what she said to me. She has many friends on facebook but she told me she would do the "monthly clean-up", which she deleted friends that she thinks are just on superficial level or has no real connection. At first I thought she was cocky for doing that, but I guess an ENFP would rather have friends who are close to them than many acquaintances.

 

[Vamp]

I find myself listening to my ENFP friend more than she does. She's usually amazed by how well I know her and considers me a good friend because I remember what she said to me. She has many friends on facebook but she told me she would do the "monthly clean-up", which she deleted friends that she thinks are just on superficial level or has no real connection. At first I thought she was cocky for doing that, but I guess an ENFP would rather her friends who are close to them than many acquaintances.

I used to do the same thing before I stopped using facebook completely. Before facebook was as popular I used to do the same with myspace before I deleted it.

 

[Devil Flamingo]

I visit Facebook like... once a month, and mostly because I keep in touch with two of my ex-teachers from high school who were very good to me and I occasionally send them messages saying hi and how things are going. Otherwise, I avoid it like the plague.

 

[Amargith]

Lol..I avoided facebook like the plague for years, but I recently actually made an account. I realize that I meet a lot of great people on the net and I do wanna be able to somewhat check up on them, without having to go look for them in all corners of the net. Despite the fact that Facebook is Big Brother and Pure Evil, I would see what the fuss is all about

 

[Esoteric Wench]

For me, the issue at the heart of this thread is... getting our energy from our interactions, and the need for those interactions, and the frequent disappointment that those interactions don't go far enough because you have to keep stuff hidden so as not to scare people off...

Yes. Yes. Yes. Tortoise, there are not enough Ys, Es, and Ss, in the alphabet to tell you how much I agree with you. Get out of my head!

Attn: Hoaky Sports Analogy About to Happen

I think being an ENFP can be likened to being on the elementary school playground.

I imagine a young girl that is sad and lonely because no one wants to pick her to be on their kickball team. She doesn't even really like to play kickball all that much, but she does like to feel included and she loves to be around people. So not being on the team means she's alone. Other than this, she could care less about kickball.

Then, imagine that some older, cooler kids (i.e., INFPs, other ENFPs, INFJs, and INTJs.... with even the occasional INTP, ENTP, ENTJ thrown in) come over and invite her to join them in a game of hopscotch. This is the game she's always dreamed of playing. This is the game that she was born to play with the people she was born to play with. They get her and she gets them.

Up until now, the story is all good.

But... she is so excited and has been lonely for so long and has soooo much to share that she puts all her energy into playing hopscotch and does not attend to what she normally attends to (viz., the emotional tenor of those around her.) She completely misses what she is normally so good at seeing, which is that her over-exuberance is perplexing / off putting / overwhelming to her hopscotch cohorts.

So it seems to me that the ENFP dilemma is in part a recognition that even though we ENFPs long to have deep and meaningful connections with other people, we also need to recognize that very few* can keep up with our "hit you in your face" intensity. We need to never forget this and find appropriate outlets for all of our pent up energy.


*Except perhaps other ENFPs, ENTPs, INFJs, INTJs, and INFPs

 

[skylights]

i am not as... CRAZY INTENSE as some of you, lol

i feel like my basic dilemma is that i would love to freely interact with people but i am very self-conscious and concerned that they will not like me.

it feels like a trap. if i am too lax, then i will say things that others don't like, so i will never get close to others. if i am not lax enough, i will never get to know others, so i will never get close to others. catch-22.

i can be sort of stand-offish because of this. it's what made me think i was INFP.


as for philosophy... geez guys, sometimes, i gotta say, it's REALLY boring. i am a strong N, but sometimes the "what-if" just gets far too ridiculous. it seems pointless to me. like nihilism. pointless, ha ha...

 

[Vamp]

I've never seen philosophy as "what if" stuff. I guess it depends on who you read (Marcus Aurelius doesn't really cover anything except the timeless issues with society. Siddartha never went into "what if" either) and why you read it. Philosophy answers all those questions with no real answers like "why do bad things happen to good people" etc.,