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Thread: Dear INFJs

  1. #1
    Senior Member burymecloser's Avatar
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    Default Dear INFJs

    Dear INFJs,

    Your community here is consistently considerate and generous with its time, and I wonder if some of you would be willing to tackle a few questions, as many or as few as you like. Any insight you can offer would be appreciated.

    Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

    If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

    If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

    Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

    If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

    Thanks for any help you can offer.

  2. #2
    Senior Member InTheFlesh's Avatar
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    1.Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

    Yes, I'm insanely passive-agressive
    Well, it depends. If I feel that they're really interested in helping me, than I will. I have to pick up a vibe that you really care to know before I will.


    2.If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

    If I think I offended someone or they're upset with me I normally give it a day or two without talking to them, and if they don't contact me within that time, I'll try to ask them what's up or what I can do to fix whatever problem is there. I tend to make problems out of everything, I assume everyone is as sensitive as I am and I'm always scared I offended or hurt someone.

    3.If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

    Well, I've only done that in a few occasions but when I have it's usually because they hurt me and never even realized it, or didn't bother to talk to me about it, and I couldn't move past it without the closure. I only avoid them if I think I'm important enough to them, and in avoiding them I'm passive-aggressively trying to hurt them like they hurt me.
    It's a horrible way to go about the situation, I know


    4.Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?


    It doesn't bother me at all if people are clingy and personal, I actually prefer it if I really care about them
    It's really painful for me if someone I feel really close to is detached, it makes me feel alone and like my emotions are for nothing. It makes me feel like I should just give up with them.

    5.If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

    Directly ask them if you hurt them. They might be hesitant to tell you at first, but keep at it and insist you're really sorry and you miss your friendship, if it's designated in any way. Just open up emotionally to them, and they will do the same back. I would anyways.


    I really hope I could help. Please keep me updated on how the situation plays out.
    I know, I'm nosy

  3. #3
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    Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

    Probably. Sometimes. If it's not something all that important and there's a chance that it won't happen again, I probably wouldn't tell them. But it also depends on the reason why I am upset with them. I guess things can pile up that way, so if it is really important to me or I can see how it would have a very negative effect on our relationship, I would tell them. Sometimes I lay things out in the open just to clear the air because for me things come to a point where I think that they really should be addressed and it's not really fair to me or to them to keep on going like this.

    If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

    Initially I take a step back and observe whether what I pick up is correct or not. If I really do sense that there's some definite tension between us and it starts to bother me I will initiate contact because it's not fun being like that. But usually I just wait for the other party to speak up if something seems to be troubling them. I probably try to encourage them a bit, give them a chance to open up on their own time. I really try not to assume too much, I sleep better that way, but I guess I worry a bit too much about everything. I just hope that if there is a problem and something is bothering the other person/persons, they respect me and themselves enough to address the issues rather than let them fester and become worse.

    If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

    I guess if they did something that shows complete lack of respect towards me and our relationship or somebody else and they show no remorse or willingness to amend things, our relationship would probably fade away. Things would never be the same. It wouldn't be all that abrupt, though. There is the infamous "doorslam", but it won't definitely happen abruptly, there should be signs of it coming this way, for sure. I guess the problem is that these signs might solely be markers for the INFJ and not for the other parties, which makes it seem abrupt.

    Sometimes time just flies by without anything being wrong, but there's so much to distract me so that seeking contact with anybody doesn't even cross my mind. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to keep on corresponding with someone the way it used to be. In either cases, it's definitely nothing personal.

    Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

    Oh, tough one. I'd rather not deal with either of them on a regular basis. Sooner or later problems emerge in both cases, so the relationship dynamic is not balanced and that's not fun at all.

    If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

    Honesty and openness, showing that they really are willing to make amends. Don't try to make amends just for the sake of making amends, if that makes sense.

    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    Thanks for any help you can offer.
    You're welcome. I hope this helps in some way.

  4. #4
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    I'm told I become passive aggressive when I'm upset, yup.

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    Senior Member sciski's Avatar
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    First, forgive me if my replies are brusque... it's late here, I'm overtired, yet your questions caught my eye so I would like to respond.

    ∙Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

    Yes I am passive-aggressive. A lot of it stems from trying to be nice while keeping my aggression under leash. The incongruity makes me leak out aggression in underhanded ways. I prefer to be polite to people even if I dislike them, but sometimes the dislike rears up in a barely controllable manner.

    As for the second question, I normally wouldn't confront someone who's hurt me because I would have rationalised away any justification for my upset. I'm awfully good at invalidating myself for the benefit of 'keeping the peace'. However, I've recently been learning to recognise my own feelings, validate them, and assert my rights. Life has improved as a result. I highly recommend it to other NFJs.

    ∙ If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

    For the occasions when I have felt something very wrong, I have tended to wait and ride it out to see if I'm just being paranoid and/or the situation resolves itself.

    Due to my recent focus on assertiveness training, I now confront the person (through email of course ). I feel like a right fool for doing so too.

    I do often get the response that there's nothing wrong, but sometimes my spidey sense (and their subsequent behaviour) tells me differently--and at that stage, I figure the onus was on them to tell me the truth. If they choose not to tell me the truth, then that's their issue and I will play by their rules (probably part of my passive aggression ).

    ∙ If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

    Forgetfulness. Busyness. If it was for these reasons, I would contact them after a while with sincere apologies.

    It might also be that the person doesn't seem to have any genuine interest in the correspondence. Though generally in these cases, I would try to close off the conversation to let them know that we're still on friendly terms.

    Otherwise, the reason is the well-documented doorslam. But they'd have had to be a deliberate jerk to me for an extended length of time before I'd engage this tactic... I also give many warnings long before the doorslam. Having read up on the doorslam thread, I think my warnings may be too subtle though.

    ∙ Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

    For a friend-level of relationship, clingy and personal bothers me. I'd rather have more space than less.

    For a relationship-level of relationship, detached and indifferent bothers me.

    But that's just a general answer... my answers could be different depending on the context.

    ∙ If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

    If it was really an accident, then just a sincere apology is fine. To make amends, just don't do it again. The worst thing to do is to shrug or laugh it off as if I'm crazy or somehow wrong/stupid for being upset.

  6. #6
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    If I'm upset with anyone, I probably would want to know that they want to know what I'm upset about (particularly if they were close to me) before I'd want to volunteer it. If they can't even tell there's something wrong, I probably won't say anything. Strangely enough, if I don't care about the person, I would find it much easier to be straight with them.

    I assume people are upset with me more often than they actually are. I usually would ask, but if I felt we weren't close enough anymore, I may not want to intrude, even though I'd feel the distance.

    Many reasons could be responsible for abruptly stopping correspondance - wanting to do such a comprehensive and good job that it starts seeming like an insurmountable task. If someone does something irrefutable that really makes me rethink everything I know about them, I may quit corresponding at least till I figure out my feelings. Sometimes it's that writing them requires some emotional energy, which I don't have at the moment (that's been true even for some of my better friends on here when I don't write them for awhile). Sometimes there's just lots making life busy right then and suddenly one day I get a craving for that person and decide to make time to write. I may not write an ex if I haven't heard from them for awhile and think they may be dating someone else or if they haven't answered the last thing I wrote or if I feel like the investment is too one-sided.

    Without a doubt, detached and impersonal is the biggest problem. I need to be reassured that I am welcome and wanted. Particularly if we have had a problem in the past, I need someone to make overtures towards me to be sure that I won't be making a fool of myself to go ahead and write. I also would add that what T types see as over the top is actually quite faint and understated to F types. If you want to get an INFJ's attention, she really needs to know that you still care about her and want contact with her.

    If someone did something accidentally to upset me, I think an acknowledgement that it happened and evidence that you have put some thought into why it happened and that you felt badly that it did would be good. INFJs deal better if they understand your thought process and motivations (they hate emotional surprises). They are pretty good at putting themselves in other people's shoes. Talking more rather than less would be good. Keep in mind that most interactions we have are based on the LAST interaction we had with you, not the present one. We have delayed processing time where we seek out more information AFTER we have thought the last interaction over. You have to actually really care that your actions affected them that way, rather than just wanting the problem to be over. They care about whether you really see that. I would also make sure that any other frustrations are out on the table. They really don't like crying in front of people or seeming picky about little things, but those things can kind of become a problem if they are allowed to linger. The fact that you are interested and actually want to know (and are persistent) will make the INFJ trust you more. Anyone that I can tell what they did wrong to me and we actually talk it out and make it through the conflict will be closer to me than ever. That's the kind of person who is in my inner circle.

  7. #7
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?


    I am not passive-aggressive, I feel like it is a waste of time, maybe when I was when I was younger.. I don't remember it, but that really means nothing... Now I would prefer to get to the bottom of things and to do that I need the cooperation of the other person, so passive-aggressiveness is really a detriment to that... So it really just wastes time and energy that could be better spent, like on resolving the issue.

    If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?


    I would at first try to go through my thoughts and the past interactions with a fine toothed comb to see if anything I said could have been misconstrued, if I find something I address it as soon as I can. If I don't I usually go for a walk to see if I still feel the same as I did when I left... If I still feel something is amiss, I bring it up. I usually bring it up in a nonchalant way because I know that my NiTi loop can be ... well.. lets just say that the world ends and all the main characters die a terrible death.. So since I know I have this tendency, I am careful to not overwhelm or play into the 'end scenario' in my head.. in fact the truth is rarely as bad as one I can create in my head. So to answer that last question, it certainly happens that I create something out of nothing, and at times nothing out of something. Hence why I like to communicate honestly, but not overbearingly with whomever I feel 'off' with.

    If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

    The only reason I have ever stopped corresponding with someone was that they seemed to never want to help themselves. If they constantly have the same issues that they never ever try to work on.. When people either become or remain stagnant. If these people were to at least attempt to improve, I would gladly be in their lives again if they wanted me to. I am just not into rescuing people. I love helping, but there has to be something on their end as well.

    Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?


    If it is just a friend it bothers me more for them to be clingy, I love personal though. But I hate jealously and when people feel like they own me.

    If it is romantic, the detached and indifferent bothers me more. I just need that connection with a romantic partner that a detached person would have trouble with. I have to feel like I matter and am loved... So that detachment would create a loop in my head, and I've been there, I hate it and won't be doing it again. Oddly enough the detachment can be combined with the clingy and then you have a total mess, someone that treats you poorly and feels like they own you... stay far away from that.

    If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

    Honestly not much upsets me, like at all. However, if something did, all the person would have to do is talk to me. I find that if I can understand where someone else is coming from, even if I don't like it, it makes me feel better.. So honesty and communication wins with me every single time.

    I hope this helps.
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

  8. #8
    Senior Member DJAchtundvierzig's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    Dear INFJs,

    Your community here is consistently considerate and generous with its time, and I wonder if some of you would be willing to tackle a few questions, as many or as few as you like. Any insight you can offer would be appreciated.

    Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?

    Yes I am VERY passive agressive. But I will tell them whats bothering me, but in a very polite way to avoid any discomfort.

    If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?

    If someone is upset with me, I just avoid them for as long as possible, even if its for a couple years. Not a good thing!
    As for assumptions, I almost always assume there is a problem that I caused if someone is acting a bit sketchy or weird around me.

    If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?

    1.They know to much, therefore I seperate myself.
    2. They intentually hurt someone I care about or myself.
    3. Or they are just negative nellys, but I will try to change that before I cut off contact.

    Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?

    That one.

    If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?

    An empathetic apology. Simple as that.

    Thanks for any help you can offer.

  9. #9
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    I can only speak for myself...

    I've gotten in big trouble for being passive-aggressive in the past. I don't want someone to know that they're annoying the hell out of me, because it would make them sad. But somehow, something usually causes me to burst. I'm trying to learn I don't have to put up with someone if I don't like them.

    If neither of us have established that there is something wrong, I usually don't ask the person about it. On the other hand, if it's really obvious that someone's upset with me, or someone has told me they're upset with me, I try to talk it out with them through written letters or e-mail (less hurtful than in-person). I always want to talk through problems when they arise.

    If they were trying to kill me? I find the silent treatment quite selfish and mean and I would never do that to someone.

    People who are detached and indifferent get on my nerves more often. I like affection and being involved in someone's life, so an indifferent friend would be considered less of a friend to me than a clingy friend.

    If someone upsets me, I would love it if that person gave me some time to cool down (the amount of time depends on how frequently you contact the person) and afterwards we'd talk things over by written letter or e-mail. I would love it if that person heard me out instead of interrupting me before I finish my points (which is why I prefer written messages over talking in person). I would love it if that person would be sensitive and respectful when they talked to me instead of brash and uncaring (the less nicely a person talks to me, the more I am able to hold a grudge). If we truly cared about each other's relationship then we should be able to work things out somehow, even if it means agreeing to disagree.

  10. #10
    Senior Member ItsAGuy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    Are you passive-aggressive? When you're upset with someone close to you, but with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact, are you likely to tell them what's bothering you?
    Um... I still wish I had a better understanding of the meaning of the term; I personally won't automatically tell someone what is bothering me unless there's really no other way around it. Often I can absorb and silence problems internally, and so my first instinct would be probably to 'not bother' anyone else with the burden of such things.

    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    If you think someone is upset with you, how do you usually react? Would you initiate contact to ask what (if anything) is wrong, or wait for the other party to come to you if there's a problem? How often do you assume there's a problem but it turns out to be nothing?
    Hmm. I have been known to worry that someone is upset with me (through their generic lack of initiation with me) when they are not... but when it come to people being upset with me? I strain to remember such a time. I may be too background for people to ever be really pleased or really upset with me. I do tend to ask 'what is wrong?' a lot, though. I don't typically leave it unspoken.

    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    If you were to abruptly stop corresponding with someone, what would be the most likely reason(s) for that?
    That might simply be the cleanest and least painful way I can think of to end something. I do think, though, it takes a lot of work to push me to this point, considering I tend to go to some lengths to accept what others think or do, whether that is outwardly visible or not.

    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    Which bothers you more, people who are too clingy and personal or people who are too detached and indifferent?
    Too detached and indifferent. I'm a dreamer and an idealist, which means that, regardless with how comfortable I am talking to any given person, things mean a great deal to me, and are important enough to do something about. So when someone is apathetic, it kills me a little inside. I can't stand it. In relationship terms, someone who is detached from me "can't like me very much, can they?" I'm kinda suffering this with my ISFJ crush right now... she doesn't initiate or ask much about me, but she sure as hell spends a lot of time with me when I initiate and ask about her. It's VERY confusing for me, and it makes me worry that she's only doing it because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    If someone accidentally did something to upset you, what would be a good way for the person to make amends?
    Be honest, direct, and talk about it. Authenticity is key to an INFJ. One of my exes from about 12 years ago, on a trip down i95 to the L.L. Bean outlet in Freeport (the original, actually) got really quiet after a while... then she just blurted out "I got drunk at the marching band party and ended up making out with someone."

    I was mad for all of about 5 minutes... but was so thoroughly impressed with her honesty with me that I felt even closer to her, and that feeling won out rather quickly. This is not to say you should go looking for things to do wrong and then tell your S.O. all about it. Mistakes are mistakes. Habits and habits, though.

    It's too bad she was an emotional wreck and the relationship fell apart after only a few months... cuz she's still one of my favourites of all time (we still talk.)
    Last edited by ItsAGuy; 09-07-2010 at 11:52 AM. Reason: typo awards
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