After doing some browsing here I feel a little bit better.
I generally feel lonely even though I am seriously just great with people, I know I have charisma, I use my intuition to help others, to teach others, to make them better at what they do, to give them what they need. I dont do any of this because I feel I should or anything like that. I do it because it is satisfying, natural to me, it makes me glad. I could not stop doing these things if I tried, and I would not want to try. I do not neglect myself in favor of others, I just find that I gain alot of pleasure in seeing what people need and giving it to them, and in teaching others, in motivating others.
On the flip side, I am just darned lonely. I DO tend to be more of a chameleon, I DO tend to withold my true opinions and feelings much of the time. Is this because I am fake? Perhaps I am a chameleon, but not because I want to be "fake"... As a matter of fact, I am probably more honest and genuine than anyone else I know. As long as I am able to be kind, I will tell you where I truly stand on a topic. Most people cannot handle that, dont truly want that... and with regard to my opinions, I withold my true feelings often because I know how much influence I can have. If I tell others what I really feel, what if I sway them to my way of thinking? Will it help them to know what I honestly think? Can they handle the fact that I have just about the same level of passion about which shampoo I use as I do about my opinions about movies, religion, politics, etc?
There are only some people with whom I can share my actual feelings on any topic... and even then, I often find that I simply feel too intensely, too passionately, for other people to be able to handle even glimpses of the "real me". I have learned to try to subdue some of this passion, and to also try to let go of the need to be understood, but am still lonely.
I think that all of the above is pretty typical of the ENFJ. We are great with people but tend to have trouble sharing our "real selves" and often lonely. But what about being sensitive, and what about having trouble forgiving others in friendships? Do others have difficulty with this? If I trust someone and open up to them (not easy for me to do, to feel that they really DO want to know my true thoughts and feelings and can also hande even my subdued intensity) and then to feel hurt or betrayed by them. I find that I am not able or willing to allow people who talk about me, or who play emotional head games, into my life. Since it seems that pretty much excludes everyone I work with, I am friendly and helpful and kind to everyone, but I am friends with no one in a genuine sense.
Other people, people I honestly consider to be "normal" in their frienships seem to accept this kind of thing as a matter of course. They all talk about each other negatively, they hurt each other, kiss, make up, and then gang up on someone else next week. They just roll this way. I actually think that the place I currently work is a pretty extreme example, but truly, most people seem to accept these things as a part of normal human interaction. I must be too sensitive... I let these things, the fact that I see these things, get in the way. I do not tend to just brush it aside and let it go. I give loyalty and I desire it in return.
I dont know how to get past this. I dont know if I even SHOULD try to do so. If I open myself up to those I know are very duplistic and back biting and join in the negative games, I will be someone I do not want to be.
I am just so lonely.