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  1. #21
    Junior Member Ambee's Avatar
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    I knew when I replied that it was an old topic but my best ENFP and I decided to look into what other people had to say about these friendships, and so much of what we felt was echoed in what skylights said that I had to post. When I was reading her post, I heard it in my ENFP's voice.

    I thought it might be helpful to someone to share another success story, especially since we find this relationship so rewarding. Before we met everyone told us how similar we were, and we couldn't deny it, and the longer we've known each other and the more we've come to understand our difference, the more we've turned into two sides of the same coin. We completely embrace our "twin"ness. (The fact that our voices sound identical when we're excited/happy - to the point our signficant others, parents, close mutual friends and even ourselves when we once listened to a video of us both talking can't tell us apart - helped us come to that conclusion as well haha.)

    She was just telling me yesterday after we replied here that she wishes she could help other people find their twin - a person they can tell anyone to and they know will understand but is just different enough to balance out each other's more extreme tendencies. Besides making me want to cry, it definitely reinforced the fact that I want to post here and say try to make this work! It can be an amazing thing!

    I can say for sure our biggest road block was dealing with each other's stress response. When I was going through a break up with a friend of hers, I was in obsess and fix it mode and she was hearing from both sides the stress, which sent her into panic and flail and run mode. It was overwhelming to us both and we ended up not talking for a couple of months until one of our mutual friends yelled at my ENFP to stop running from the situation and I had exhausted myself from obsessing and had finally come to except it. We never had a situation like that again, but I was afraid I'd lost her forever over being sad about a break up and that was scary - it was something so small. But we get each other now, though, so we know when we can come to each other crying and we know how to make suggestions for calming down that are a blend of our two ideas. Like I said, we're pretty much each other's greatest strength at this point.

    I would love to hear more about what your ENFJ - and any ENFJs have to think. Most of what I read online are from ENFP perspectives.

  2. #22
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    My personal experience.

    Friendship wise -- There are few that make better friends than ENFJ. They're so sincere.. they have a bazillion qualities that rock about them. they're just as flexible as I am, but more understanding and patient. The details about the friendship are more concrete with them.. they seem to remember the small details about it that I frequently forget. I love them in friendships.

    Relationship wise -- I don't know how well we'd work out. Granted, my personal experience has entirely been with one ENFJ WANTING to date me, but not being allowed to, so I haven't ruled them out at all or anything.. but so far, the experience has been that while they knew exactly what to say to make me happy at the time, their actions more reflected what they wanted than what they told me. always a bad idea.
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  3. #23
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    My personal experience.
    so far, the experience has been that while they knew exactly what to say to make me happy at the time, their actions more reflected what they wanted than what they told me. always a bad idea.
    explain this? didn't register...? sounds like I might need to understand it though

  4. #24
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    ^ not to speak for kyuuei, but i have felt a similar thing in the past.

    for example, what my ENFJ friend tells me is almost always true, but not necessarily always the whole story. she tends to leave important details out that make me think something different is going on, when it's particularly beneficial for her to do so. on one hand, there's no reason she should have to tell me everything, but on the other, it's a form of intentional deception, because she is well aware of what i conclusions i will draw based on the information she gives me. but then her actions will not match up, and i will realize that something different must be going on. though she has used it effectively to protect me from myself, which was actually sort of brilliant on her part.

    Quote Originally Posted by Ambee View Post
    I knew when I replied that it was an old topic but my best ENFP and I decided to look into what other people had to say about these friendships, and so much of what we felt was echoed in what skylights said that I had to post. When I was reading her post, I heard it in my ENFP's voice.


    I can say for sure our biggest road block was dealing with each other's stress response. When I was going through a break up with a friend of hers, I was in obsess and fix it mode and she was hearing from both sides the stress, which sent her into panic and flail and run mode.
    that's really funny, i totally agree that stress response has been the hardest thing to overcome, but with my ENFJ friend and me it's basically the opposite. i'm obsess and fix it and she needs to get away and think about it, and they clash. enneagram differences, i figure.

    i agree that we need more ENFJ perspectives on this... ENFPs like to blab about themselves online plenty... would love more ENFJ sharing

  5. #25
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by skylights View Post
    ...what my ENFJ friend tells me is almost always true, but not necessarily always the whole story. she tends to leave important details out that make me think something different is going on, when it's particularly beneficial for her to do so. on one hand, there's no reason she should have to tell me everything, but on the other, it's a form of intentional deception, because she is well aware of what i conclusions i will draw based on the information she gives me. but then her actions will not match up, and i will realize that something different must be going on. though she has used it effectively to protect me from myself, which was actually sort of brilliant on her part.
    I've gotta tell you that I've noticed this in my dealings with ENFJs. From a positive perspective, the ENFJ seems to have an almost genius ability to evoke whatever desired emotional reaction they want from their conversation partner. But from a more negative perspective this (at its worst) falls into the category of deception or at least outright manipulation.

    I think of it as that ENFJs always have an agenda they're working toward and they are able to (brilliantly) shepherd the people around them toward whatever endgame the ENFJ has. Used responsibly this is a gift that ENFJs can leverage. Used irresponsibly, these same skills can be used to manipulate and hurt other people.

    ENFPs also have this same skill set and are not above using it. However, I think the difference is that an ENFP's Fi effects how his/her people shepherding skills play out. In other words, I might be able to shepherd people toward an end result, but as a P, I don't always have an end result in mind to shepherd them toward. Also, I wouldn't want another person to act in a way that might be incompatible with their essence. (Voila Fi.) Thus, there is a large part of me that would be disappointed in myself if I thought I were guiding people toward a specific end game.

    ^^^^^^
    This is one of the things about ENFJs that offends my Fi sensibilities. However, I think this thread has really helped me see how ENFJs and ENFPs can find a common ground. I think Skylights was right (in her earlier post) that a great starting point in ENFP/ENFJ relations is how both ENFPs and ENFJs can read people so well. They definitely have this in common... even if what they do with this skill is very different.
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  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I've gotta tell you that I've noticed this in my dealings with ENFJs. From a positive perspective, the ENFJ seems to have an almost genius ability to evoke whatever desired emotional reaction they want from their conversation partner. But from a more negative perspective this (at its worst) falls into the category of deception or at least outright manipulation.

    I think of it as that ENFJs always have an agenda they're working toward and they are able to (brilliantly) shepherd the people around them toward whatever endgame the ENFJ has. Used responsibly this is a gift that ENFJs can leverage. Used irresponsibly, these same skills can be used to manipulate and hurt other people.

    ENFPs also have this same skill set and are not above using it. However, I think the difference is that an ENFP's Fi effects how his/her people shepherding skills play out. In other words, I might be able to shepherd people toward an end result, but as a P, I don't always have an end result in mind to shepherd them toward. Also, I wouldn't want another person to act in a way that might be incompatible with their essence. (Voila Fi.) Thus, there is a large part of me that would be disappointed in myself if I thought I were guiding people toward a specific end game.

    ^^^^^^
    This is one of the things about ENFJs that offends my Fi sensibilities. However, I think this thread has really helped me see how ENFJs and ENFPs can find a common ground. I think Skylights was right (in her earlier post) that a great starting point in ENFP/ENFJ relations is how both ENFPs and ENFJs can read people so well. They definitely have this in common... even if what they do with this skill is very different.
    Guilty, I have been known to do and say things to evoke certain reactions. Within reason and having a conscious, I usually know how to get what I really want from people. However, please don't mistake that for immorality because I do have strongly held values regardless of Fe or Fi like be authentic, honest, be logical, and individuals are free to do whatever within reason.

  7. #27
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    yeah, it'd be a serious tossup between my ENFJ friend and i as to who's more ethical. we both are and aren't, in different ways. i'm sure at least some of you guys have heard me say this before, but my Fi is relatively Fe as far as things go, and i tend to see a huge amount of similarities between the two. anyway, i'm more of a rulebreaker; she's more of a manipulator. she's more of an omitter; i'm more of a deceiver. she's more responsible; i'm warmer. i'm quicker to extend a hand, but she's more dedicated in following through. we both will tear you down if you insult us, and/or if you hurt someone we love. we both tend to have a very humanistic outlook in a broad sense while having a more "realistic" sense of morals in the day-to-day. we're both total NFs, but i would not tend to call either of us idealists.

    my point being, we're really very much alike, just in a mirrored sort of way.

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench
    Also, I wouldn't want another person to act in a way that might be incompatible with their essence.
    i know, i feel this too. but i think we have to remember that ENFJs don't find their introverted "core" in Fi, so what seems like directing someone to our Fi actually may very well not be an imposition on them in JePi terms. we tend to bristle at what seems like internal direction to us, but they don't have introverted Judgment, so their "essence" is elsewhere from ours, and is not threatened by the same things we find threatening. by the same token we have to realize when we are stepping on their toes in Je terms, that our Fi does not so readily understand...

  8. #28
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I want an ENFJ for a bff now. Seriously

    I tend to enjoy the charm and wit of ENFJs a lot. They also tend to be easy to have around as a back up. What I mean is...it is fun to be in a group and not have to keep an eye on the dynamics going on or worry about getting a head ache from people clashing. Or for that matter, to just be the observer for once instead of be on stage. ENFJs do that with ease and most also will gladly share the spotlight, especially if you can band together for maximum effect. My close group of friends would infinitely benefit from having an ENFJ in it. It's just me with a bunch of introverts atm. Organization is a frigging , and eventually every damned time between the INTJs and the ISFJs, as is initiative taking on a the social front. Lastly, getting all those people to get along and not bottle shit up, is a frigging nightmare. The group is too big for me to manage myself without getting a splitting head ache. I'm tempted to almost hire an ENFJ manager for it
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  9. #29
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    I just wanted to give everyone an update. A couple of days ago, I posted that I had an ENFJ acquaintance coming over to my house on Friday evening. I was going to remember what I learned in this thread when I interacted with him and see what happened.

    For those who may not know... I'd been burned by an immature ENFJ and it had put a bad taste in my mouth for the entire type... which I reluctantly admitted was unfair to ENFJs. One of the reasons I started this thread was that I wanted to figure out how to find common ground with the ENFJs in my acquaintance. I knew it was unfair to categorically reject an entire personality type, but I didn't know how to overcome some of the innate obstacles of ENFJ/ENFP interactions.

    Well, I wanted to report that my ENFJ and I had a GREAT time Friday night. We laughed and laughed together. He and I had so much in common and it was just like everyone said. We both could read people soooo well. It was nice to step back and observe while he stood in the spotlight. And, I was able to recognize that he was a very nice and ethical person. I was able to correctly read his Fe behavior for what it was and not let my Fi misinterpret his intentions. So thanks to EVERYONE who posted their thoughts on this thread!

    I feel like I confirmed my initial observation that ENFJs/ENFPs did have a natural tendency to let their Fe and Fi rub each other the wrong way. But much more important was that I learned how to correctly read an ENFJs' Fe behavior. I learned that I could see past the biases of my own type (which is Fi driven) and appreciate the strengths of the Fe perspective. This has been a wonderfully enlightening experience. And, I hope that my new ENFJ friend and I can become very good friends.
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  10. #30
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I feel like I confirmed my initial observation that ENFJs/ENFPs did have a natural tendency to let their Fe and Fi rub each other the wrong way. But much more important was that I learned how to correctly read an ENFJs' Fe behavior. I learned that I could see past the biases of my own type (which is Fi driven) and appreciate the strengths of the Fe perspective. This has been a wonderfully enlightening experience. And, I hope that my new ENFJ friend and I can become very good friends.
    Excellent news! EW!

    I happened to know a pair of ENFP and ENFJ in real life and they seem to be perfect for each other! (though they're co-workers, both met from workplace).





    We laughed and laughed together. He and I had so much in common and it was just like everyone said.
    This caught my attention. I know ENFPs can be great at lightening up the atmosphere and a great joker, though it seems to me that ENFJ are better at this with such little efforts such as laughter! They're both good conversationalist but it seems to me that I can connect more with ENFJ as they have this uncanned ability of focusing entirely on you during any types of conversation.

    Just adding my 2 cents here.

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