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  1. #11
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    In my experience FJ men can be very nurturing in general, especially toward female friends - I had one ENFJ male friend who had tons of female friends, he was always giving people things, we had really great talks together and he was always doing sweet but misguided things like sneaking cookies into my purse or repeatedly offering me candy insisting that I wasn't fat. I've also had other FJ male friends - ISFJs are good for this in particular - who want to form a very intense emotional bond with other people without there necessarily being sex.

    I disagree with Billy in saying there was no intention there at all ... it sounds like you guys were having what is called "an emotional affair." But bear in mind if this guy was INFJ it just may be his nature to be very nuturing toward his close friends because of Fe.

    I didnt say there was no intention, I am saying we arent getting enough information here to make a call on it, precisely for the reasons you mentioned in your post. I do nice things for my female friends all the time, including things that can be misconstrued as "interest" which is why I typically like to make it very clear by saying stupid crap like "i love you like my sister" etc.

    As for this thread, it seems like she wants it to appear 1 way, when it COULD have been a different way, which is why I am asking for specifics.
    Ground control to Major Tom

  2. #12
    Senior Member burymecloser's Avatar
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    FWIW, the man sounds more INFP to me than INFJ.

    Tiltyred's explanation seems plausible to me. I don't doubt that he enjoyed your attention, and it's likely that he was genuinely attracted to you, but ultimately, nothing happened. I guess my POV might change if I heard him discussing the situation, but from the available information, I wouldn't consider it cheating or an affair, not even an "emotional affair".

    You say you "fell deeply in love" with this man; are you doing okay now that he appears to have committed to his girlfriend? Is it difficult continuing to be friends with him? Best wishes in any case.
    i just want to be a sweetheart

  3. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Billy View Post
    My intuition is telling me that you still could be overthinking this... you are calling it a relationships, when in fact it wasnt one... it was too short to be considered a relationship especially since no one ever had the guts to ask the other "are we in a relationship" which P or J is a pretty standard step to take when getting into a relationship with someone.

    I would still need to know more about these intense flirtations etc... ive held hands with female friends when thier hands were cold because my hands are always hot, it was as much about stopping the cold on thier as it was about being selfish and cooling mine down... didnt mean I was interested.

    You need to be very clear here or we cannot really give you our insight into what your situation was. But that you are using such murky and cloak and dagger language and we only hear your side of the story, coupled with the fact that you left a relationship for someone who didnt leave his, indicated that you clearly wanted to be with him (you fell in love) could be ya know, disguising reality for you if you want to see something that didnt really exist.

    I am not trying to be mean, just objective. hit us with the facts, in clear language if you want our honest opinions. If you just want to be assured that he was a bastard and you were wronged, well... I dunno I just cant because its not that clear cut that he was even interested.
    I can't explain it any better than I have.
    Last edited by Lauren; 09-03-2010 at 07:16 AM.

  4. #14
    Crazy Diamond Billy's Avatar
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    Can you tell me his words at least? I am genuinely curious.
    Ground control to Major Tom

  5. #15
    Senior Member You's Avatar
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    Call him.

    Talk to him.
    Oh, its
    You
    ....

  6. #16
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Cheating is typically used to describe physical connections, not mental ones.

    But emotional cheating can be just as destructive to a relationship. Looking for emotional support elsewhere first before your SO can have a very negative impact, imo sometimes even more-so than physical cheating. It is the emotional bond to another that makes us monogamous as humans, imho.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
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  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    I think the bigger issue here is just why is he still with his long-distance girlfriend in a serious relationship if he likes you (have fallen for you? have expressed interest)? Either he takes responsibility for his feelings and his actions or he does not.

    If my boyfriend is doing all this long romantic looks, touching, affirmation, yes, I'd consider it cheating and I'd consider it unethical. I trust your judgment on this, that he is being very romantically affectionate, but now what are you going to do?

    Are you okay with just remaining friends? Either way, the situation needs a firm conclusion with boundaries, right?
    Thanks everyone for all of your thoughts. I appreciate all of the comments, even ones I may not agree with

    The bolded: He always encouraged the feelings in me, and I encouraged them in him. But, you're right, definitely, to your thought about taking responsbility. He's definitely not a man who plays games, by the way. I feel this caught him off guard, as it did me.

    To the other bolded part: I'm friendly with people and affectionate by nature. I have casual men friends that I work with. I know where to keep the boundary. My friend is also Fi; he's very warm and likes and engages people. When we met, we were like two magnets. People around he and I have talked about us for months (I've learned without directly asking). They thought we were lovers. But I've felt as well that if I had a boyfriend who was doing the things my friend was doing out of my sight, I would leave that relationship. Because I would think he's not ready or doesn't want to commit to me.

    I am more than OK with remaining friends, though it's just very difficult right now to reconcile and process all the feelings I have without knowing exactly what his feelings were. He wants to be friends as well and is trying to reframe the relationship now that he's more committed. Definitely I respect the boundary of his commitment to his girlfriend, now that he's made that decision. For a long time I didn't have a specific outcome in mind, only to explore the feelings I felt we shared. Just because that didn't happen doesn't mean that I stopped caring about him. The love is still there.

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by marmalade.sunrise View Post
    In my experience FJ men can be very nurturing in general, especially toward female friends - I had one ENFJ male friend who had tons of female friends, he was always giving people things, we had really great talks together and he was always doing sweet but misguided things like sneaking cookies into my purse or repeatedly offering me candy insisting that I wasn't fat. I've also had other FJ male friends - ISFJs are good for this in particular - who want to form a very intense emotional bond with other people without there necessarily being sex.

    I disagree with Billy in saying there was no intention there at all ... it sounds like you guys were having what is called "an emotional affair." But bear in mind if this guy was INFJ it just may be his nature to be very nuturing toward his close friends because of Fe.
    To the bolded, I think so too.

    I don't think he's an NFJ because he's so open ended in our conversations and in our relationship, and we seem so much alike. I think if he sought closure (which is more like a J), he would have brought things to a head with me a long time ago, either one way or the other. But again, he's fairly shy and extremely sensitive.

    I know what you mean about nurturing friends. He's affectionate and I've seen him pat a friend on the shoulder. He and I, though, crossed certain physical boundaries, which can only mean romantic interest. I usually can recognize just genuinely warm but not romantic behavior. Perhaps I don't always know when a man might be interested, if I'm not attracted to them.

    You know, I agree that there doesn't have to be sex and you can have a very close bond with someone.
    Last edited by Lauren; 09-03-2010 at 07:18 AM.

  9. #19
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    I think he had his cake and ate it too.

    He probably was unfaithful to the gf by talking to you.

    It was emotional infidelity.

    If I was dating someone long distance and then found out they were having some kind of intense relationship with someone who clearly was attracted to them, even infatuated, I would be displeased. Both because I would feel disrespected and because I would not like how that reflects on my SO's character. It is an act of weakness and selfishness at best (which can be rectified) and at worst a lack of understanding of boundaries (red flag) if you pursue the kind of situation that guy had with you while you have an SO.
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  10. #20
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    ^ Exactly. What do you have with someone long distance, if not conversation?
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
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