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Thread: I Lost My INFJ

  1. #1

    Default I Lost My INFJ

    I am an ENTP and I have spent a good deal of time seeking relationships in all of the wrong places. I had no clue that I was an ENTP or that there was a such thing as personality types; I thought that people were just people. I ended up married to a person who was completely wrong for me and it definitely did not work out. After the fall of the marriage I came in contact with a woman that I had known in high school. We hit it off very well and naturally shared many common interests and there was a lot of chemistry between us. While we were in our 'talking' phase she led me to a personality test. I took the test and it returned that I was an ENTP. I read the description and just thought "Wow, that is me all over." I was very amazed at reading the most accurate description of myself ever written and told her that I was an ENTP. She told me that she was an INFJ and I immediately dove into learning about her through everything I could read. We seemed pretty much perfect for each other on so many levels. It did not take long for us fall madly in love and for the passion between us to build. She was always excited to be around me and I would get so excited every time I knew she was coming over. It gave me butterflies just to think about her. We did a lot of things together and I opened myself up to her in a way that I have never done before. I told her things that I have never had the desire to share with anyone else. I was pretty sure that this was a relationship forged in Heaven and I was living a dream.

    We took a short weekend vacation to San Antonio, Texas and adventured all over the place. It was an amazing experience for me and I was glad to be sharing it with her. On our last night there she wanted to go to a piano bar so that I could experience that type of scene; I had never been to such a place before and she is a fan of them. I was exhausted from the earlier adventures that day and was not exactly keen to the idea of going. This, is where I made a crucial mistake. I did not tell her that I was not interested in going and that I would rather go down to the river and just enjoy my time with her. I did not realize that she was only recommending the piano bar because she thought that it was something that I would want to go do. I went along and tried to make the best of the experience, and don't get me wrong, it was a fun place. I started drinking because I thought that it would pick me up and that I would be more fun for her. It actually did not have such a glamorous effect on me and I became even more irritable.

    I was very much ready to leave but I didn't want to ruin her good time and I sat there and just let myself get angry over absolutely nothing. I eventually told her that it was time to go and we left. By this time I was intoxicated but the only thoughts on my mind were "She is my dream girl and she has done nothing wrong. Just deal with this in your mind and leave her out of it." I did not speak on the trip back to the hotel. When we got back to the hotel, she did not speak to me; we just got in bed. I am not the type of person to just say nothing when I feel tension in the air. Being a brilliant drunken person I said the best thing I could think of, "I don't think this is going to work out..." Really?!? That is the best I could come up with? I immediately realized that what I had said was stupid and that I should never have said that. I did not mean it at all. I could not picture my life without her. This led to an argument in which I said multiple stupid things. I was used to being on the defense when I was married and those arguments always resulted in me having to be on the edge. I have not had an argument with anyone since I was married and I was scared. I did not know how to handle the situation. I realized that I was being stupid and I took her in my arms and apologized and told her that I loved her.

    The next morning I felt so horrible for acting that way. I told her that I was sorry and tried to express my sorrow to her. Inside, I was devastated and destroyed. We went on and continued our relationship but I could feel that something was different. It was eating me alive and I was scared to death. This was a new feeling for me because I was never scared of ending a relationship before. Even when my marriage failed I was relieved and happy when she was gone. I figured that all I could do was pray that things would go back to normal and just be optimistic in the mean-time. I continued sharing my feelings and we still had a lot of fun together. Then a couple of days ago it finally came out. In lieu of her distance I asked her if everything was okay and she said that she did not know, that she just couldn't get back to the way things were before our argument. I was at work and this crushed me for the remainder of the day. We agreed to get together and talk after work.

    After work I went to her house and we sat down and had our talk. She told me that she thought that she had just needed time to get over everything and that it was not working and that the passion was not there. I told her that I had not wanted to go that night and she pointed out that all of this could have been avoided if I would have just told her that. This crushed me and I had a very hard time holding back my tears. We kissed for the last time and told each other "I love you" and I, full of emptiness, walked away. She sent me a text and asked how I was that night. I told her that I was very hurt and that I would wait for her in the event that she changed her mind. In my heart she is the one for me. I spent the majority of the night watching TV and trying to find inner-peace. It did not work out so well.

    The next day, I trudged to work and tried to remain optimistic. She sent me a text asking how I was and I told her I was great. She said that she was okay and I tried to assure her that everything would be okay. She told me she loved me which, of course, made my heart skip a beat. I told her that I loved her too and went about my business. That night I went out with a coworker and we left town and visited a few bars. I could not enjoy myself. I drank but the alcohol did nothing for me. There were a lot of people but I had no interest in them. I was watching my phone and waiting for that message that said she missed me. She did text me and ask how I was again, I told her that I was good and left it at that. Later on she sent me another message and we had a brief conversation before she went to sleep. I finally could not handle it anymore and returned home and went to sleep.

    This morning I woke up and opened up my laptop and noticed that she had sent me a page on Stumble. It was a page of nerdy wedding invitations. We are both attractive but very intellectual people and find a lot of humor in nerdy things. The thing that got me here was that it was wedding invitations. Does this mean something? I have no clue. I did not respond but I did initiate a conversation with her and we carried on a conversation for a bit.

    I know that this is a long post but I am destroyed. I don't understand the signs that she is showing me. I feel like she is showing me something by maintaining contact, and by letting me know that she loves me. I have lost my INFJ and it is killing me. I refuse to believe that this is the end of us and I need advice. I have never been in a good relationship before, other than the meaningless ones back in high school and I finally found one. One that was full of balance and true caring experiences. I need advice here. Can the passion be rebuilt? Is this typical of an INFJ and what can be done to fix it? In my dreams I can see our future together and I so desperately want that future.

  2. #2
    Junior Member Array
    Join Date
    Aug 2010


    I feel for you man. I'm an INFP, borderline INFJ, and I lost my ENTP a while back, and it still kills me every day. I've experienced the intense highway that develops between these types. It sounds to me like she just needs time to reflect. When we're overwhelmed by negative emotions we can pull away, but with alone time we'll always come back around to what's important to us, and how much we don't want to let that go. Let her know you just want her to make the best choice for herself, and that you're always there for her no matter what. Just make sure not to push her in any direction, and I'm sure she'll come around.

  3. #3
    Symbolic Herald Array
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    Feb 2010


    Hello DanAKAHollywood. I had the privilege of being in a relationship with a certain ENTP and I can relate to what you describe, both the beauty and the pain.

    I am biased, but from your message I, too, get the sense that it is not over. I speak for only this INFJ, but when someone truly hurts me or lashes out in anger at me - I am not trying to text them several times a night, the opposite in fact. But when it comes to a love relationship, I am going to fight for my love, for the union. I don't mean fight as in argue with, I mean fight to maintain the connection, fight to maintain some space in the other person's mind and heart. So it was with my ENTP, in fact.

    So perhaps if your INFJ is like me, she does remain in love with you, but she is truly reeling from your meltdown, and is indicating to you that it is not okay for you to snap that way and make such devastating pronouncements. Words cannot be unsaid, you know. For me as INFJ, I choose my words thoughtfully, considering how they describe my feelings and how they will affect others. So it can be hard to get past the "how could you?!" question in my mind when someone says something so upsetting. Just blurting out things to provoke a reaction in others sounds like the stuff of very immature ENTPs, I saw it enough to know. An ENTP lashing out in order to get chased after and loved by INFJ starts a a very destructive pattern for both parties.

    But I want to believe that your INFJ still loves you. She may be taking some time to process her feelings. Perhaps she is trying to reconcile them with the pain from the fight. She may wonder if a piano bar misunderstanding causes this, what do future disagreements hold. Is she wanting you to make some grand romantic gesture in the meantime? You can't know that. What I think is important is that you recognize what is going on with you right now. ENTPs in love sometimes seem to struggle with getting a grip on their feelings, the love and fear. Facing them as it were, instead of seeking experiences to take your mind off them. Conflict pattens get ingrained, it might be worth it for you to work on that in yourself to avoid this kind of thing in the future. Have you ever tried to express your true feelings to her in a letter? Your post here reads so well, I wonder if you wrote her a letter about the way she improved your life and sent it after some time, it might move her. Again, this comes from a personal place, because I was still treasure the letters from my ENTP.

    These are just some ideas from my personal experience. I don't mean to sound like I am lecturing you on your own emotions and processes. My vested interest is just a desire for INFJs & ENTPs to find each other and have beautiful love as I did once.

  4. #4
    Administrator Array highlander's Avatar
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    Dec 2009
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    Quote Originally Posted by DanAKAHollywood View Post
    I lost my INFJ
    It doesn't sound like it. Not yet anyway.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

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  5. #5


    Thank you very much for the responses so far. I am trying to make sure that I don't sway her one direction or the other. I am still including her in my life so that she will see that she is very welcome in my life. I have, in fact, written her and let her know just how much she means to me. I do not believe, at this time, that she is interested in reading about my feelings. I know from personal experience that when someone hurts me and then sends me a lengthy heart-filled letter it just seems like a bunch of excuses and a persuasive essay on why I should give them another chance. The last thing I want to do is seem needy or pushy. My actions that night were not a reflection of the kind and gentle spirited person that I am. I can completely see why she would be worried about future disagreements and it pains me that I have instilled that doubt into her. I would like to think that she is taking time to miss me and that the excitement and passion will again surface in her heart.

    Before and during our relationship, I reflected on myself and what my faults are, much as I do today. Sad reality is, we all have faults that will surface at one time or another and it is inevitable that problems will arise. I have learned from my past relationships that no matter how hard we try to not allow a conflict to flare, it will eventually happen. This has always discouraged me because I like to think that I'm a very easy person to get along with. I am opinionated but I do not try to push my opinion on anyone. I do like to be playfully argumentative but beyond that I shy away from conflict. In my past I have always been able to recover from a negative experience and bring things back to normal. It is really a sad experience this time because I actually want to bring this relationship back and show her that what happened is not an image of how I will treat her in the future. I have made a mistake and I have learned from it and I now know that I should speak up and tell her when I do not want to go do something. Had I known that she would have been just as happy going and have a quite evening by the river, same as I, then everything would be rainbows and butterflies. I am just not sure exactly how an INFJ functions and I cannot read her. The day that we went our ways I looked deeply into her eyes and I could still see the fire within. I believe what I saw within her was the desire to be with me. I took the moment to kiss her and I could still feel the passion there. I just hope that it isn't too late for that love to overpower the doubt.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Array Onceajoan's Avatar
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    Apr 2010


    Quote Originally Posted by DanAKAHollywood View Post
    I do not believe, at this time, that she is interested in reading about my feelings. I know from personal experience that when someone hurts me and then sends me a lengthy heart-filled letter it just seems like a bunch of excuses and a persuasive essay on why I should give them another chance. The last thing I want to do is seem needy or pushy.
    But with all due respect, (a) she is a she not a he, like you (b) she is an NF, not an NT - so it's a good idea to adapt to her style of communication even if wouldn't appeal to your sensibilities.

    Quote Originally Posted by DanAKAHollywood View Post
    My actions that night were not a reflection of the kind and gentle spirited person that I am. I can completely see why she would be worried about future disagreements and it pains me that I have instilled that doubt into her.
    She probably does know (based on your track record) that you are a kind and gentle spirited person. If she's a reasonable person, she also recognizes that people make mistakes. However, I think she's just trying to draw the line with you (i.e. she's letting you know that this behavior is inexusable now and in the future). She may forgive you this time, but not next time. That's for you to work out with her.

    Despite the worries either of you may have about disagreements in the future, you know it will happen. Relationships are not perfect. There will always be times when your relationship and love will be tested. There will be doubt. That's normal.

    Quote Originally Posted by DanAKAHollywood View Post
    I would like to think that she is taking time to miss me and that the excitement and passion will again surface in her heart.
    It moves me that you are making this effort to work on reconciling the difference between you. You must really love her. She probably knows that and feels the same if she texted you so many times. If you was really pissed, she would not have contacted you at all.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Array burymecloser's Avatar
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    Jan 2010


    What you've posted here is pretty powerful, Dan. Have you told her what you've told us? I'm an INTP who really did lose my INFJ, and it was awful. If you can't re-establish the connection you had, I think it's going to upset you for a very long time. I don't know enough about the situation to recommend a specific action to you, and I would strongly suggest soliciting advice from the INFJ community here, but I think you should develop a plan for (if necessary) dramatic action to get things back on track.

    I would also suggest that you consider revising your drinking habits. It sounds like that has created/exacerbated problems more than once. Maybe you could even talk to your INFJ about the issue and see what she thinks. Good luck.
    i just want to be a sweetheart

  8. #8


    I have told her the things that I have shared with you guys but she is quite used to me being open with her and sharing things with her. I think she has become numb to my emotions. I do not think writing anymore will help and I know that words will not bring her back. I am at a complete loss on this. Not having an answer here is really hard on me. I have always had the answers to everything that has happened to me. This time I do not have the slightest idea of what I could possibly do.

  9. #9


    I don't know. I guess what it all comes down to is that I am completely shattered. She had a way about bringing out the best in me. She was able to make me think and feel things that I have never known. She was a great friend, and a great lover. Everyone around me could see the happiness that I was feeling. She constantly pushed me to be the best person that I could be and when something would come up she would always tell me "We will take care of it." She never asked for things from me other than for me to be true to her. We were happy be it walking around in a mall, exploring a cave or just watching a movie. She introduced me to a world that I had never saw before. We didn't have to spend money to be happy; we only needed each other. She was like an extension of my own self and now that I have lost that piece, my tail has no wag. I do not blame her at all for being hurt and having doubt. And whatever happens, I wish nothing but happiness for her. I just pray that I can be that happiness again.

  10. #10
    meh Array Salomé's Avatar
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    Sep 2008
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    Wow. Chill out dude.
    Just give her some space. You seem kinda....intense.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Gosh, the world looks so small from up here on my high horse of menstruation.

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