I am an ENTP and I have spent a good deal of time seeking relationships in all of the wrong places. I had no clue that I was an ENTP or that there was a such thing as personality types; I thought that people were just people. I ended up married to a person who was completely wrong for me and it definitely did not work out. After the fall of the marriage I came in contact with a woman that I had known in high school. We hit it off very well and naturally shared many common interests and there was a lot of chemistry between us. While we were in our 'talking' phase she led me to a personality test. I took the test and it returned that I was an ENTP. I read the description and just thought "Wow, that is me all over." I was very amazed at reading the most accurate description of myself ever written and told her that I was an ENTP. She told me that she was an INFJ and I immediately dove into learning about her through everything I could read. We seemed pretty much perfect for each other on so many levels. It did not take long for us fall madly in love and for the passion between us to build. She was always excited to be around me and I would get so excited every time I knew she was coming over. It gave me butterflies just to think about her. We did a lot of things together and I opened myself up to her in a way that I have never done before. I told her things that I have never had the desire to share with anyone else. I was pretty sure that this was a relationship forged in Heaven and I was living a dream.
We took a short weekend vacation to San Antonio, Texas and adventured all over the place. It was an amazing experience for me and I was glad to be sharing it with her. On our last night there she wanted to go to a piano bar so that I could experience that type of scene; I had never been to such a place before and she is a fan of them. I was exhausted from the earlier adventures that day and was not exactly keen to the idea of going. This, is where I made a crucial mistake. I did not tell her that I was not interested in going and that I would rather go down to the river and just enjoy my time with her. I did not realize that she was only recommending the piano bar because she thought that it was something that I would want to go do. I went along and tried to make the best of the experience, and don't get me wrong, it was a fun place. I started drinking because I thought that it would pick me up and that I would be more fun for her. It actually did not have such a glamorous effect on me and I became even more irritable.
I was very much ready to leave but I didn't want to ruin her good time and I sat there and just let myself get angry over absolutely nothing. I eventually told her that it was time to go and we left. By this time I was intoxicated but the only thoughts on my mind were "She is my dream girl and she has done nothing wrong. Just deal with this in your mind and leave her out of it." I did not speak on the trip back to the hotel. When we got back to the hotel, she did not speak to me; we just got in bed. I am not the type of person to just say nothing when I feel tension in the air. Being a brilliant drunken person I said the best thing I could think of, "I don't think this is going to work out..." Really?!? That is the best I could come up with? I immediately realized that what I had said was stupid and that I should never have said that. I did not mean it at all. I could not picture my life without her. This led to an argument in which I said multiple stupid things. I was used to being on the defense when I was married and those arguments always resulted in me having to be on the edge. I have not had an argument with anyone since I was married and I was scared. I did not know how to handle the situation. I realized that I was being stupid and I took her in my arms and apologized and told her that I loved her.
The next morning I felt so horrible for acting that way. I told her that I was sorry and tried to express my sorrow to her. Inside, I was devastated and destroyed. We went on and continued our relationship but I could feel that something was different. It was eating me alive and I was scared to death. This was a new feeling for me because I was never scared of ending a relationship before. Even when my marriage failed I was relieved and happy when she was gone. I figured that all I could do was pray that things would go back to normal and just be optimistic in the mean-time. I continued sharing my feelings and we still had a lot of fun together. Then a couple of days ago it finally came out. In lieu of her distance I asked her if everything was okay and she said that she did not know, that she just couldn't get back to the way things were before our argument. I was at work and this crushed me for the remainder of the day. We agreed to get together and talk after work.
After work I went to her house and we sat down and had our talk. She told me that she thought that she had just needed time to get over everything and that it was not working and that the passion was not there. I told her that I had not wanted to go that night and she pointed out that all of this could have been avoided if I would have just told her that. This crushed me and I had a very hard time holding back my tears. We kissed for the last time and told each other "I love you" and I, full of emptiness, walked away. She sent me a text and asked how I was that night. I told her that I was very hurt and that I would wait for her in the event that she changed her mind. In my heart she is the one for me. I spent the majority of the night watching TV and trying to find inner-peace. It did not work out so well.
The next day, I trudged to work and tried to remain optimistic. She sent me a text asking how I was and I told her I was great. She said that she was okay and I tried to assure her that everything would be okay. She told me she loved me which, of course, made my heart skip a beat. I told her that I loved her too and went about my business. That night I went out with a coworker and we left town and visited a few bars. I could not enjoy myself. I drank but the alcohol did nothing for me. There were a lot of people but I had no interest in them. I was watching my phone and waiting for that message that said she missed me. She did text me and ask how I was again, I told her that I was good and left it at that. Later on she sent me another message and we had a brief conversation before she went to sleep. I finally could not handle it anymore and returned home and went to sleep.
This morning I woke up and opened up my laptop and noticed that she had sent me a page on Stumble. It was a page of nerdy wedding invitations. We are both attractive but very intellectual people and find a lot of humor in nerdy things. The thing that got me here was that it was wedding invitations. Does this mean something? I have no clue. I did not respond but I did initiate a conversation with her and we carried on a conversation for a bit.
I know that this is a long post but I am destroyed. I don't understand the signs that she is showing me. I feel like she is showing me something by maintaining contact, and by letting me know that she loves me. I have lost my INFJ and it is killing me. I refuse to believe that this is the end of us and I need advice. I have never been in a good relationship before, other than the meaningless ones back in high school and I finally found one. One that was full of balance and true caring experiences. I need advice here. Can the passion be rebuilt? Is this typical of an INFJ and what can be done to fix it? In my dreams I can see our future together and I so desperately want that future.