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Thread: I Lost My INFJ

  1. #31
    Senior Member Array sulfit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    6w5 sp/so


    I don't think the nerd wedding website consciously meant anything to her, may be subconsciously it did relate to her thoughts, as she is not over you. When I separated with my ENTP I had very little inclination to contact him and ask him how he is doing. He had emotionally hurt me to the point that it simply became an illogical thing to do (yes practically all of the feeling died off). The fact that she was constantly contacting you means that she still has feelings for you.

    I personally would also would not send a wedding website as a hint to a guy which whom I just separated, broken-up, or had a fight with. It would just seem an emotionally crude thing to do. Therefore I don't think she was trying to imply anything by sending you the link.

  2. #32
    Senior Member Array the state i am in's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    5w4 sx/sp


    you're not going to find a perfect maneuver that logically wins the game.

    you have to show her that you're willing to accept all the bad things you feel right now, and that even though you don't know, and even though you're not on top of your emotions, and even though you feel like you're drowning in chaos, you'll wait with her and be willing (determined) to work on/through it.

    this is what, i think, the other infjs mean by not giving up. even when you can't make her feel better, and you feel badly, you will keep her company, and you will continually choose to accept your feelings but try and try and try to act in accordance of both of your feelings, accepting hers too, even when you are too clouded to hear hers or yours (which happens with Fe, it happens to me, and somehow hanging in there when it's washing over your Ti and you can't fucking hear yourself think or figure out what's true and you risk being overwhelmed by them bc you know it's worth it to you and you've MADE THE DECISION).

    instead of the tendency to run away, escape, evade the feelings that are catching up to you and that you can't fully process, rationalize, discard, etc. bc those are the stakes, and everything rides on them, for good and bad.

    you have to find a way to assert control over yourself that allows them to breathe, that allows you to accept and fully experience them, but also balance them with another. and doing it all with a way to re-center yourself, and re-establish what's true for you when you lose your way.

    but not trying to do this too soon, as a way to avoid pain (bc we all know how easily Ti can generate truth, a story, reasons, etc, that can get you from point a to point b but don't necessarily allow you to experience all of the implicit implications in addition to the specific causal chain reaction, especially with Ne when in service of getting away from here as quickly as possible). bc then you're just running away. and you don't learn the true weight, risk, vulnerability, and depth of CARE that really shows you the significance of the situation to yourself (which yes, can make you very very scared).

  3. #33
    Junior Member Array Wrath Mania's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008


    I can totally relate, man. I was very much in love with an INFJ who was on-and-off with a previous boyfriend, an ISFJ who she eventually clung permanently too. After some pushing and pulling (fantastically accurate way of describing the ENTP-INFJ relationship) we developed a very deep and intimate relationship- the only thing we essentially didn't do was anything physical- that went far beyond the bounds it should have, with her in a previous relationship, and eventually reality hit and the whole thing crashed. We played some terrible games towards one another in the months that followed- me trying to get her attention, her trying to distance herself from me emotionally- before things finally simmered. With her in a relationship nearing marriage, there was no way I could keep fantasy land going. I haven't spoken to her for a few months.

    Now I go to the same school as this girl. I work at this school. I still see her. First time she saw me this semester she deliberately turned and ran the other way. Was it in disdain? Or in a grab for attention? I do not know. The truth is this: I cannot allow myself to pine over her anymore. In truth I am still deeply in love with her, and worry for choices she's made in her life. And yet, there comes a point where I can no longer compromise what I want to do with my life- my goals, my ambition- in a situation that will never work. It fucking sucks, it leaves me miserable when I allow it too, but I have to be realistic about it. I have to be rational about it.

    Please note that by being rational about it, I'm not ignoring my emotions. I used to do that, by pretending a close intimate "friendship" with her wasn't emotionally compromising me. The INFJs here are right: let yourself feel what you feel. Be totally ruthless with that experience. Only then will you know how to proceed.

    I used to chide myself for not ending up with my INFJ. If only I did this or didn't do that. What I've learned is that the outcome of these things is the product of much larger forces than a missed gift here or a meltdown there. If it doesn't work out, the two weren't ready for it. That simple. Discover why you weren't ready, then improve, if not for her, than the next. Realize that your meltdown was the product of larger things in your life; her reaction and withdrawal was the product of larger things in her life. Accept this, and learn.

    So my two pieces of advice are:

    1. Understand that what happened was not the product of one event, but of much more general things inside both of you.

    2. Be emotionally uncompromising with yourself, but then stay true to yourself. Do not compromise what makes you who you are.
    "The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."--George Carlin

    "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --Albert Einstein

  4. #34
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    1w2 so/sx


    Excellent advice, I think.

  5. #35
    FRACTALICIOUS Array phobik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009


    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Excellent advice, I think.

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