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  1. #1
    Junior Member PsychedelicPlatypus's Avatar
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    Default Emotionally Shattered INFJ

    This is something I've been needing to get off my chest for a while. A few months ago (three days before my birthday actually) I awoke to a text message from a person I'm not all that close to telling me that my boyfriend cheated on me with one of his old roommates (I actually trusted him to live with three girls). Apparently this was about six months before I found out. Funny part was, I actually "inherited" all his female roommates at the beginning of the summer, and so was living with this girl when I found out. Needless to say, my world was turned upside down. I love my boyfriend fiercely; he's an INTP and we just 'click'. He's always treated me like a princess, he's respectful, he's even very physically/verbally affectionate, and this was the one thing I was almost 100% certain he'd never do. I felt like I almost lost my mind when this came about, I've never been betrayed by someone I love like this, I don't trust easily. I've actually never had much experience with any kind of drama. Anywho, our whole friend circle knew about it the whole time and no one told me. So not only did my "best friend"/lover betray me, but my whole social circle feels like a lie and no longer exists. I've come a long way from where I was, and I can feel the healing process at work. I guess I'm not asking for relationship advice because I've chosen to stay in the relationship, but what I'm really hoping for is a similar perspective, preferably from an INFJ, just to compare notes. I just feel so exhausted and lonely and have had no one "neutral" to talk to. Sorry this is so horrendously long, and thanks for reading all of it lol

  2. #2
    Senior Member ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PsychedelicPlatypus View Post
    I've chosen to stay in the relationship
    Why?

    Your situation sucks, and I'm sorry to hear about it. I'm not INFJ, but girl, if that happened to me, I would have been out of there. As much as I'd love having super-close friends and someone to cuddle with at night, it's not worth the price of my self-respect.

    You deserve someone better for you! Someone who will treat you like a princess, AND not cheat on you! Who can give you everything you want and more!

    DTMFA!

  3. #3
    Junior Member PsychedelicPlatypus's Avatar
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    That's been the general consensus I guess...it's all just very confusing because he's never done anything else wrong, and we've been together for over a year and half now. I feel like it would be going against what he...deserves? I know that sounds weird, and I'm not usually one to dish out second chances. Everything's cooled over for the most part, I'm not exploding in a terrible Fe hissy fit every other day anymore, it just still 'hurts'. I still realize all the good qualities he has, I still adore him, but this is always in the back of my mind going "Do you really think he's a good person? Look at what he did to you - is that acceptable moral behavior?" Of course it's not. But it is getting better, we're living together now because the girls I was living with, his old roommates, decided to break the lease...it's been a crazy, emotionally fucked up summer...

  4. #4
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    aw

    that sounds rough. but i like your avatar.

    i would offer you a thought or two but i am notoriously bad in dealing with INTPs, lol

  5. #5
    Junior Member PsychedelicPlatypus's Avatar
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    hahaha well thanks for replying! and for the platypi compliment

  6. #6
    Member chelsea's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ExAstrisSpes View Post
    Why?

    Your situation sucks, and I'm sorry to hear about it. I'm not INFJ, but girl, if that happened to me, I would have been out of there. As much as I'd love having super-close friends and someone to cuddle with at night, it's not worth the price of my self-respect.

    You deserve someone better for you! Someone who will treat you like a princess, AND not cheat on you! Who can give you everything you want and more!

    DTMFA!
    I totally agree with this.

  7. #7
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    He deserves better? I think you do. It's hard when there's a bunch of stuff all mixed in there. I haven't experienced someone cheating but I have experienced the man I loved for several years leading a double sort of life depending on who he was around. I found myself in much the same position as you socially and felt betrayed, alone and not sure who I could trust. Some of the things I thought I could trust most that he would never do, he did - lied to me, spoke disrespectfully about me to people neither of us were close to, appeared drunk to ride the plane and go to a business meeting, picked fights with people - all very uncharacteristic of what I thought was him. I don't expect you to listen to advice from strangers, but this really has bad written all over it. You teach people how to treat you. He's shown you the ultimate disrespect and life has gone on as usual. That tells him that you'll take whatever comes your way. I think INFJs are far too prone to giving people the benefit of the doubt or explaining away faults if we think we understand why it happened or if there are other good things happening. Sometimes you have to draw boundaries for other people and stick to them.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    He deserves better? I think you do. It's hard when there's a bunch of stuff all mixed in there. I haven't experienced someone cheating but I have experienced the man I loved for several years leading a double sort of life depending on who he was around. I found myself in much the same position as you socially and felt betrayed, alone and not sure who I could trust. Some of the things I thought I could trust most that he would never do, he did - lied to me, spoke disrespectfully about me to people neither of us were close to, appeared drunk to ride the plane and go to a business meeting, picked fights with people - all very uncharacteristic of what I thought was him. I don't expect you to listen to advice from strangers, but this really has bad written all over it. You teach people how to treat you. He's shown you the ultimate disrespect and life has gone on as usual. That tells him that you'll take whatever comes your way. I think INFJs are far too prone to giving people the benefit of the doubt or explaining away faults if we think we understand why it happened or if there are other good things happening. Sometimes you have to draw boundaries for other people and stick to them.
    Completely agree. You have the uttermost sympathy from me; it's awful that that happened to you and your friends didn't tell you, on top of your 'perfect' boyfriend cheating on you. To be blunt, you need better friends. The most important thing to me about a friendship is the presence of loyalty! What do you need friends for except to tell you what you should know/to have your back? Love is seriously blind. I think you need to think about what qualities you most value in a boyfriend, in a person, in someone you love and would want to spend your life with. I think you are staying in the relationship because it will hurt less but in the long-run, I think it will hurt much more.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    I have been in the same situation.

    It's best if you end the relationship as soon as you are able. You're still in the denial stage. Be patient with yourself but work toward coming up out of denial.

    It's important to focus on practicalities rather than your ideals, and this is the hardest thing to learn. Point of fact: leave a healthy young man in a room full of females long enough, and something is very likely to happen. It's important not to be insulted by reality, I hope that makes sense -- to think, Oh, he loves me, so that could never happen, because our love is so strong, etc. No. Refer back to point of fact and keep your focus there. If you stay in common sense rather than in your dreams, you are less likely to be disappointed.

    People never know what the best thing to do is. If they saw you happy with him, how horrible to be the one to burst your bubble, and for what, because he does seem to care for you, right? if you do a poll "would you tell/wouldn't you tell" equally well-intentioned people will answer differently and give good reasons.

    It's entirely possible your boyfriend does in fact love you but is not ready to be monogamous. Even if he believes he is. When he's tempted, he can't withstand the temptation. You have to decide how you feel about that.

    (((((Hugs)))))

  10. #10
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    @Platypus,

    with friends like these, who needs enemies???

    So what are you now? Some fragile piece of China that will break if, " God forbid, she ever learned of her dear boyfriend's 'momentary lapse in judgment' " Cheating is cheating and if so early on, you let that one go, as if it was no big deal, you might as well placard 'doormat' on your brow.

    What are you aiming for? Sainthood? You deserve better respect, lady!

    There was a thread about 'dealbreakers'. So, figure out what are the 'non-negotiables' (for me, that would be no lying, no deception, no cheating) and 'negotiables'.

    Cheating, or a bit on the side simply ain't negotiables with me!

    Take it or leave it from a stranger.

    Very pissed-off INFJ.

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