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  1. #21
    Aspiring Troens Ridder KLessard's Avatar
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    Has he apologized, were you reconciled? What was that like? Was there any of it?

  2. #22
    mod love baby... Lady_X's Avatar
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    yeah the thing is...your putting the blame on you...if you end the relationship...everything that follows is your fault...all the hurt everything...you'll feel you caused...and you look at him and think of all of the sweet things he's said...all the times you've had together and you can't do that to him...well babe..ya didn't...you didn't do it...he made that choice the night he slept with someone else...you know how many choices you make during sex...the first move..flirting...deciding to kiss...undress her...all of it...it's all conscious...it didn't accidentally slip in...he could've changed any of those choices...but for that night...he didn't care...for that night he chose sex with someone else because he wanted to...was he thinking...how can i touch her when i'm in love with my girl...was he putting your feelings ahead of his needs? no..not at all.

    sorry...rant there...never experienced this personally but...i think it's just lame as all hell and i know if someone made that choice while with me...i'd put it on them and walk away from any responsibility for the hurt that follows.
    There can’t be any large-scale revolution until there’s a personal revolution, on an individual level. It’s got to happen inside first.
    -Jim Morrison

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by mochajava View Post
    ^Is that really the worst revenge you can take, as opposed to simply dumping/leaving him?
    Ever heard of eternal blue balls?

  4. #24
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sulfit View Post
    If you stay in a relationship with a cheater, the fact that he is untrustworthy will gnaw on you deep down inside forever. It is like an ulcer that never heals. For INFJs trust is a key issue in any relationship. Once somebody deals a huge blow to it like sleeping with somebody else behind your back, our trust just doesn't recoil with same strength and relationship remains damaged for a long, long time. On surface you might tell yourself that you have forgiven him, that everything is fine now, that it was in the past, that he is so nice and charming with you now, but deep down inside you will always remember this incident. Come any future offenses from him, the memory will surface up and you will say "I told myself so and it was stupid to stay".

    This is not to mention that I think cheaters should be made to suffer consequences of their behavior. Not out of hatred and malice of the victim but simply because otherwise they will morally degrade, start thinking that is wasn't such a big deal after all. This makes them more likely to cheat again in the future and likely to hurt more people if they aren't made to go through the negative consequences of their behavior.
    People are not always perfect and they do not always repeat mistakes. If you can't learn to forgive people who make mistakes, you can become a lonely person. That's not to say you should put up with crap.

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  5. #25

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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    People are not always perfect and they do not always repeat mistakes. If you can't learn to forgive people who make mistakes, you can become a lonely person. That's not to say you should put up with crap.
    I agree with this. I know of people who've stayed in relationships and can't forgive, and all it leads to is them being bitter and oppressing the other person for years to justify that the other person hurt them. There is no mutuality or positive dynamic to be found in it.

    I think a better approach is to understand the person and the situation and get everything above board. Once you can be completely honest with each other and are on the same page, things can move forward. You can also learn more about each other and advance the relationship in the process. They can learn more about you and understand the full impact of their actions.
    Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt.

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    People are not always perfect and they do not always repeat mistakes. If you can't learn to forgive people who make mistakes, you can become a lonely person. That's not to say you should put up with crap.
    I fully agree with this.

    The whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" motto is not necessarily true.

    And even less true is the notion "if they cheated once, they will cheat again".

    Just gotta put this in there in order to be fair and balanced.

    I still think you should give him eternal blue balls.

    If only because he's an INTP...


  7. #27
    "Everything in its place" fill's Avatar
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    If I were in this situation, I would have been out of the relationship the minute I received that text. That, and I would find a completely new circle of friends and stay close to the person who was nice enough to tell me in the first place. I also second the questions to whether or not you've addressed this issue head on. Yes, this person may have qualities that are admirable, but there is no use in justifying their actions because you aren't them. You may spend your life with this person, but you will never know every reason for what they do. As a result, giving them the benefit of the doubt to why they would cheat on you is naive, and it gives them room to do worse things. Also, if he hasn't been acting any differently during these past six months, you have no way of recognizing if something is wrong.

    Provided you have the details of how everything happened, you should:
    a). Tell him how you feel about this.
    b). Take a break. If he really is committed to you, he won't last long before he comes back.
    c). Focus on you. Don't throw forgiveness everywhere if nobody apologized in the first place. Get away from it all. Find something to improve in yourself in the meantime; things like this can have positive side effects as well.
    d). Approach your friends. Don't tread around the situation; hit them when they aren't expecting it: "Is there anything else I need to know? If you don't tell me we probably shouldn't be friends."
    e). Give it time; the truth tends to come out indefinitely.

    To sum it up: you really can't put yourself behind people that treat you unfairly. Yes, it may seem like the righteous thing to do, but in many cases it only gives people a reason to be more selfish.

    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    People are not always perfect and they do not always repeat mistakes. If you can't learn to forgive people who make mistakes, you can become a lonely person. That's not to say you should put up with crap.
    Agreed. But if they never face consequences for their actions, what reason do they have to stop? Their conscience? I would find that difficult to believe.
    "Poor bastard. Wait 'till he sees the bats. "
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  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by mochajava View Post
    ^Is that really the worst revenge you can take, as opposed to simply dumping/leaving him?
    Quote Originally Posted by Zarathustra View Post
    Ever heard of eternal blue balls?
    Yeah, that's worse than simply breaking up with him. If he cheated on her then you have to take into consideration that most likely he's not as emotionally attached to her as she is to him. She can't punish him emotionally to the extent that he hurt her, so the only thing to do is hit him where it hurts the most: his male ego. Flirt with him all day long. Tell him what a sexy guy he is and how much you want to fuck his brains out, but inform him that he has to wait until a particular time. Dress super seductively. Taunt and tease him throughout the day with innuendo and foreplay; assure him that he's going to have the best sex of his life. Tell him to go in the bathroom and take a shower beforehand; then leave a note on the bed that says, "Fuck you, bitch!" or something to that effect. He'll be so fucking pissed that even masturbation won't alleviate the rejection and relentless anticipation.

    Of course this will be much harder to accomplish if you live together.

  9. #29
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    I, personally, am a big fan of the mindfuck.

    Don't leave the note.

    Just leave.

    Leave him questioning what the fuck is going on.

    Slowly, the sense of guilt about what he had done will start sneaking in.

    He'll wonder if your disappearance has at all to do with what he did to you.

    Never talk to him again; rest peacefully in the knowledge that you have won.

    That kind of uncertainty will be a bitch to deal with, from his side of things.

    That, or fuck all his male friends.

    EDIT: Or, better yet, combine the two...

  10. #30
    Senior Member Jaguar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zarathustra View Post
    I, personally, am a big fan of the mindfuck.
    Oh?

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