[INFJ] Emotionally Shattered INFJ

[KLessard]

Has he apologized, were you reconciled? What was that like? Was there any of it?

 

[Lady_X]

yeah the thing is...your putting the blame on you...if you end the relationship...everything that follows is your fault...all the hurt everything...you'll feel you caused...and you look at him and think of all of the sweet things he's said...all the times you've had together and you can't do that to him...well babe..ya didn't...you didn't do it...he made that choice the night he slept with someone else...you know how many choices you make during sex...the first move..flirting...deciding to kiss...undress her...all of it...it's all conscious...it didn't accidentally slip in...he could've changed any of those choices...but for that night...he didn't care...for that night he chose sex with someone else because he wanted to...was he thinking...how can i touch her when i'm in love with my girl...was he putting your feelings ahead of his needs? no..not at all.

sorry...rant there...never experienced this personally but...i think it's just lame as all hell and i know if someone made that choice while with me...i'd put it on them and walk away from any responsibility for the hurt that follows.

 

[Zarathustra]

^Is that really the worst revenge you can take, as opposed to simply dumping/leaving him?

Ever heard of eternal blue balls?

 

[highlander]

If you stay in a relationship with a cheater, the fact that he is untrustworthy will gnaw on you deep down inside forever. It is like an ulcer that never heals. For INFJs trust is a key issue in any relationship. Once somebody deals a huge blow to it like sleeping with somebody else behind your back, our trust just doesn't recoil with same strength and relationship remains damaged for a long, long time. On surface you might tell yourself that you have forgiven him, that everything is fine now, that it was in the past, that he is so nice and charming with you now, but deep down inside you will always remember this incident. Come any future offenses from him, the memory will surface up and you will say "I told myself so and it was stupid to stay".

This is not to mention that I think cheaters should be made to suffer consequences of their behavior. Not out of hatred and malice of the victim but simply because otherwise they will morally degrade, start thinking that is wasn't such a big deal after all. This makes them more likely to cheat again in the future and likely to hurt more people if they aren't made to go through the negative consequences of their behavior.

People are not always perfect and they do not always repeat mistakes. If you can't learn to forgive people who make mistakes, you can become a lonely person. That's not to say you should put up with crap.

 

[BlueScreen]

People are not always perfect and they do not always repeat mistakes. If you can't learn to forgive people who make mistakes, you can become a lonely person. That's not to say you should put up with crap.

I agree with this. I know of people who've stayed in relationships and can't forgive, and all it leads to is them being bitter and oppressing the other person for years to justify that the other person hurt them. There is no mutuality or positive dynamic to be found in it.

I think a better approach is to understand the person and the situation and get everything above board. Once you can be completely honest with each other and are on the same page, things can move forward. You can also learn more about each other and advance the relationship in the process. They can learn more about you and understand the full impact of their actions.

 

[Zarathustra]

People are not always perfect and they do not always repeat mistakes. If you can't learn to forgive people who make mistakes, you can become a lonely person. That's not to say you should put up with crap.

I fully agree with this.

The whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" motto is not necessarily true.

And even less true is the notion "if they cheated once, they will cheat again".

Just gotta put this in there in order to be fair and balanced.

I still think you should give him eternal blue balls.

If only because he's an INTP...

 

[fill]

If I were in this situation, I would have been out of the relationship the minute I received that text. That, and I would find a completely new circle of friends and stay close to the person who was nice enough to tell me in the first place. I also second the questions to whether or not you've addressed this issue head on. Yes, this person may have qualities that are admirable, but there is no use in justifying their actions because you aren't them. You may spend your life with this person, but you will never know every reason for what they do. As a result, giving them the benefit of the doubt to why they would cheat on you is naive, and it gives them room to do worse things. Also, if he hasn't been acting any differently during these past six months, you have no way of recognizing if something is wrong.

Provided you have the details of how everything happened, you should:
a). Tell him how you feel about this.
b). Take a break. If he really is committed to you, he won't last long before he comes back.
c). Focus on you. Don't throw forgiveness everywhere if nobody apologized in the first place. Get away from it all. Find something to improve in yourself in the meantime; things like this can have positive side effects as well.
d). Approach your friends. Don't tread around the situation; hit them when they aren't expecting it: "Is there anything else I need to know? If you don't tell me we probably shouldn't be friends."
e). Give it time; the truth tends to come out indefinitely.

To sum it up: you really can't put yourself behind people that treat you unfairly. Yes, it may seem like the righteous thing to do, but in many cases it only gives people a reason to be more selfish.

People are not always perfect and they do not always repeat mistakes. If you can't learn to forgive people who make mistakes, you can become a lonely person. That's not to say you should put up with crap.

Agreed. But if they never face consequences for their actions, what reason do they have to stop? Their conscience? I would find that difficult to believe.

 

[Epiphany]

^Is that really the worst revenge you can take, as opposed to simply dumping/leaving him?

Ever heard of eternal blue balls?

Yeah, that's worse than simply breaking up with him. If he cheated on her then you have to take into consideration that most likely he's not as emotionally attached to her as she is to him. She can't punish him emotionally to the extent that he hurt her, so the only thing to do is hit him where it hurts the most: his male ego. Flirt with him all day long. Tell him what a sexy guy he is and how much you want to fuck his brains out, but inform him that he has to wait until a particular time. Dress super seductively. Taunt and tease him throughout the day with innuendo and foreplay; assure him that he's going to have the best sex of his life. Tell him to go in the bathroom and take a shower beforehand; then leave a note on the bed that says, "Fuck you, bitch!" or something to that effect. He'll be so fucking pissed that even masturbation won't alleviate the rejection and relentless anticipation.

Of course this will be much harder to accomplish if you live together.

 

[Zarathustra]

I, personally, am a big fan of the mindfuck.

Don't leave the note.

Just leave.

Leave him questioning what the fuck is going on.

Slowly, the sense of guilt about what he had done will start sneaking in.

He'll wonder if your disappearance has at all to do with what he did to you.

Never talk to him again; rest peacefully in the knowledge that you have won.

That kind of uncertainty will be a bitch to deal with, from his side of things.

That, or fuck all his male friends.

EDIT: Or, better yet, combine the two...

 

[Jaguar]

I, personally, am a big fan of the mindfuck.

Oh?

 

[Epiphany]

That, or fuck all his male friends.

EDIT: Or, better yet, combine the two...

Yeah, and make sure you take pictures of you fucking his friends so he can relish the experience.

 

[Zarathustra]

Yeah, and make sure you take pictures of you fucking his friends so he can relish the experience.

 

[Epiphany]

The idea came from Jarhead.

(This link is deceiving. It's not funny.)

Jarhead Sex Tape Scene at FunnyRemix.Com

 

[highlander]

If I were in this situation, I would have been out of the relationship the minute I received that text. That, and I would find a completely new circle of friends and stay close to the person who was nice enough to tell me in the first place. I also second the questions to whether or not you've addressed this issue head on. Yes, this person may have qualities that are admirable, but there is no use in justifying their actions because you aren't them. You may spend your life with this person, but you will never know every reason for what they do. As a result, giving them the benefit of the doubt to why they would cheat on you is naive, and it gives them room to do worse things. Also, if he hasn't been acting any differently during these past six months, you have no way of recognizing if something is wrong.

Provided you have the details of how everything happened, you should:
a). Tell him how you feel about this.
b). Take a break. If he really is committed to you, he won't last long before he comes back.
c). Focus on you. Don't throw forgiveness everywhere if nobody apologized in the first place. Get away from it all. Find something to improve in yourself in the meantime; things like this can have positive side effects as well.
d). Approach your friends. Don't tread around the situation; hit them when they aren't expecting it: "Is there anything else I need to know? If you don't tell me we probably shouldn't be friends."
e). Give it time; the truth tends to come out indefinitely.

To sum it up: you really can't put yourself behind people that treat you unfairly. Yes, it may seem like the righteous thing to do, but in many cases it only gives people a reason to be more selfish.



Agreed. But if they never face consequences for their actions, what reason do they have to stop? Their conscience? I would find that difficult to believe.

Why don't we rob a bank? Conscience, fear, guilt, shame - I'm sure there are a lot of reasons why we don't do things that are unacceptable. Maybe we are honest and have integrity. Two good reasons are that we want to feel good about ourselves and don't want to hurt other people. Though some people lack integrity, are narcissistic, psychopaths, or whatever. Remember - I said don't put up with crap.

 

[Words of Ivory]

I'm not usually one to discuss intimate details of my life on the internet, but for the sake of this thread, I can say that this situation is one that I can unfortunately say I relate to far too well. You said you want to hear from an INFJ with similar experiences, and that's what you're going to get.

I've been in the same situation you have at least five or six times. I've gotten close to people, gotten into relationship with them, and its when things get really close and intense that I find out the inevitable - they're been cheating on me.

The most recent examples go back five years, three years and two months respectively.

About five years ago I got into a relationship with a girl. It was nice, close, intimate, and it lasted for over a year and a half. Half way through it, I found out she was getting her jollies off with some guy on the internet. She begged and cried for me to not leave her, and for some reason, I didn't. Some time later, I criticised her for treating someone in a way that I thought was mean and cruel to them.

The next day she texted me a picture of her kissing some other guy. We haven't talked since.

I kept to myself for a while after that, and about three years ago I fell in love with a very old friend of mine. It had been building over a couple of years, until we just came out and said it to each other. For the time it lasted, it was perfect.

We had almost everything in common, we could spend 12 hours in each other's company and still not run out of things to talk about. She was thoughtful, inspiring and emotionally uplifting, and it was the happiest I've ever been. It's the closest I've ever been to anyone, before or since.

About seven months in, a friend of hers who had a not-even-remotely-secret dislike of me decided to spend lots of time with her, whilst refusing to even acknowledge my existence. This caused some obvious tension. I was angry because she refused to help resolve the situation or stand up for me. He didn't react at all.

A few weeks later, I was dumped. A few weeks after that, they were a couple.

The whole thing threw me off balance, a balance I don't think I've ever been able to get back. Just like you, it made me feel like the friendships I had with people were convenient little lie, without any real integrity. All I've learned from these experience is that people will do whatever they think they can get away with, which has completely killed me ability to trust people.

I shut myself off from interacting with people completely for over a year, until I started spending time talking to a woman by the name of Nickey. She was dealing with a lot of stuff herself, and she was in a similar place to me. It was a very slow process, but we got closer over the space of a year.

Past experiences have made me very unwilling to trust people or get close to them, even as friends, and this wasn't an easy experience. But she constantly tried to reassure me that she understood, that she couldn't even contemplate cheating on me, that it wasn't in her nature, blah blah blah.

About two months ago, while attending E3 in Los Angeles, she let me use her phone so I could get calls during the event. Some guy texted her with words that were... lets just say... not the sort of thing a friend says to a friend. When I confronted her about it, she attempted to kill herself. I haven't seen her since that day. The sad thing is... I still want her back.

My self worth is shot from the experience, and I haven't socialised with anyone in months. I don't want to be around people, or get close to anyone whose interested, and I know there people who are.

Why you would want to stay with this man is beyond me. Cheating is a choice, a willing action by a person that can act upon of their own free will. If he cared, he never would have done it in the first place. And it will probably happen again.

You deserve better. This feeling of loneliness and worthlessness you have right now is entirely his fault, and it will not go away unless you give yourself the respect and love you deserve, and find someone who can give you the same. Take it from someone with far too much experience with these situations, because I'm a complete and utter mess from putting myself through the same thing a half dozen times.

That will probably be the first and last time I'll ever post something so personal about my life on here. I hope you can acknowledge the point I'm trying to make, and do the right thing for yourself.

 

[fill]

Why don't we rob a bank?

Why don't I rob banks? Well, to start, the risk of doing so is not worth the consequences, jail time, court costs, lawyer fees, and the distress by me, my family, and my friends. Let's say I took the risk of doing so and got away with it. If the bank fails to show me any reason to not go back and steal from them again, like, you know, adding more security, putting a fine on my head, or showing any effort to stop it in the future, there is a high probability I will repeat my actions in the future because it's easy, risk-free, and rewarding (for me, at last). When someone is oblivious to the harm they've done, they don't comprehend their actions as wrong.

Conscience, fear, guilt, shame - I'm sure there are a lot of reasons why we don't do things that are unacceptable. Maybe we are honest and have integrity.

Yes, but in some situations the guilt, shame and fear are nonexist until the perpetrator looks back on what they've done, which can be years afterwords.

Two good reasons are that we want to feel good about ourselves and don't want to hurt other people. Though some people lack integrity, are narcissistic, psychopaths, or whatever. Remember - I said don't put up with crap.

I agree with what you've said here, but not everyone a). realizes what they're doing when they're doing it or b). focuses on how their actions affect others. Heck, a lot of people go great lengths to make their actions "justifiable" so they don't feel guilty.

 

[Halla74]

he's never done anything else wrong,

...that you've found out about...yet.

and we've been together for over a year and half now.

That's nothing. Seriously. Don't base your entire future on 540 days. That is a seriously bad move to get chronologically attached.

I feel like it would be going against what he...deserves?

He deserves a kick in the balls, and the bitch he slept with deserves to have her hair pulled out.

I know that sounds weird, and I'm not usually one to dish out second chances. Everything's cooled over for the most part, I'm not exploding in a terrible Fe hissy fit every other day anymore, it just still 'hurts'. I still realize all the good qualities he has, I still adore him, but this is always in the back of my mind going "Do you really think he's a good person? Look at what he did to you - is that acceptable moral behavior?" Of course it's not. But it is getting better, we're living together now because the girls I was living with, his old roommates, decided to break the lease...it's been a crazy, emotionally fucked up summer...

If he is begging and pleading and being honest and making efforts to communicate and to understand you and really being prince-fucking-A-charming, then great, there's hope, but if he's just letting this slip into oblivion by letting "water pass under the bridge" I would be hesitant to consider this a one time "Oopsy, I slipped on a banana peel, and I fell down, and my dick ended up inside her, how did that happen?"

The friends though, Jesus Christ, I'd be so pissed at all of them for not telling you. Fuck that. If they were really your friends they would have told you, that's my take on it. I told a friend of mine when his wife made a pass at me, knowing that it could risk our firendship, but I did it, and all turned out OK. If I would not have told him, and then 6 months later he finds out she is screwing around with someone, then I would have been guilt tripped for knowing she had that potential, and that he was not aware of it.

 

[Jaguar]

The next day she texted me a picture of her kissing some other guy.

What kind of person would do something like that?

 

[Zarathustra]

What kind of person would do something like that?

This kind:

 

[Halla74]

What kind of person would do something like that?

Only the meanest of the mean...