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  1. #1
    Cheeseburgers freeeekyyy's Avatar
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    Post INTJ Trouble With ENFP - Please Help

    Hi NFers! So I have a very close, important friendship with this ENFP girl. Right around the beginning of July, I moved away. I had to because I couldn't live where I was living anymore, due to employment issues. I tried to make it very clear to her that this didn't change anything in our relationship, and that she was still of utmost importance to me. I told her that I will be moving back, and I meant it and do plan on moving back once I get my financial house in order. She seemed to accept that. Now here's what doesn't make sense to me, I understand that it's a fairly common trait for ENFPs, but it's still very difficult for me to accept. I've tried contacting her on numerous occasions, via email, phone, texting, etc. Sometimes she responds, usually she doesn't. She tells me that she loves me, etc, but I have a tough time seeing how a person can totally forget to write back or return the call, or whatever, of somebody who matters to them at all. I wouldn't do that to a simple acquaintance, let alone somebody I care deeply for. I guess what I'm wondering is, is this behavior a sign that she's written me off, and is no longer interested in me in a romantic sense? Or is it something I just need to get used to?
    You lose.

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  2. #2
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    edit - you are romantic. my bad, missed that. brb. this is complicated.

    okay.

    the biggest questions here: how romantic is the relationship? how far did you move, and when do you plan to get back, and did you ask her to come with you? did she have any desire to come with you?

    long distance relationships... for me at least, they're hard. i can be in love with someone from far away, but unless i see them periodically, it really kills me inside and it's just easier to let go and immerse myself in my own world instead. it's hard to tell you anything specific without at least a general idea of how close/how far/how long, but it's not textbook-characteristic of ENFP not to respond to the person they love romantically.

    on the bright side, it seems consensus from the ENFP thread that, in general, ENFP tends to hold on to (at least an idea of) the love they had for their previous partners. that is to say - all hope is not lost.

  3. #3
    Cheeseburgers freeeekyyy's Avatar
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    I have to make clear that we were never "dating", however both of us were very much enamored with each other, and saw each other all the time. She expressed on multiple occasions her romantic interest in me, and of course I reciprocated.

    I figured it might be that she feels abandoned by me, but I told her up front, that this is not permanent. There's really not much I could do about it, I need work and there aren't any jobs in the area.

    It seems like I'm kind of stuck here. I want her to understand that I love her, more than anything, but I can't get past the fact that I need money. I have debts and obligations which need to be taken care of.

    I just wish there were something I could do about this. It's horrible. I'd move back today if I could, if that would make a difference.
    You lose.

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  4. #4
    i love skylights's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freeeekyyy View Post
    I have to make clear that we were never "dating", however both of us were very much enamored with each other, and saw each other all the time. She expressed on multiple occasions her romantic interest in me, and of course I reciprocated.

    I figured it might be that she feels abandoned by me, but I told her up front, that this is not permanent. There's really not much I could do about it, I need work and there aren't any jobs in the area.

    It seems like I'm kind of stuck here. I want her to understand that I love her, more than anything, but I can't get past the fact that I need money. I have debts and obligations which need to be taken care of.

    I just wish there were something I could do about this. It's horrible. I'd move back today if I could, if that would make a difference.
    aw, i'm sorry

    did you ask her if she wanted to go with you? or establish some kind of way you could keep in more constant contact? and how often do you contact her? i'm not trying to hound you with questions, sorry if it seems that way, but it's so hard to tell otherwise...

    i feel like, if someone i really cared about romantically suddenly told me they had to move away, it would kinda depend on how long they mean... i could handle a year maybe, but more than that? i don't know... unless we were able to see one another fairly regularly. and i would probably keep in rabid contact.

    but this is just going by me, of course. it's hard to know... maybe she's just very distracted and busy, but it's hard to imagine that she's not feeling at least a tiny bit sad/frustrated/abandoned.

    have you tried asking her about setting up some kind of regular contact? if not, maybe you could... or have an old friend from your old area drop by on her with some flowers from you... or send her goofy cards in the mail... just little things that help her remember you might be gone but you're still there...

  5. #5
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    I wouldn't worry about the distraction stuff. It's typical of us and my friends have the hardest time pinning me down and getting me to answer stuff or call back. We're usually in the moment and in the moment we're always happy to hear from you or see you, but our attention gets distracted in the next (that doesn't mean we don't miss you or think of you btw!).

    And yes, that little flame sticks around even with no contact though it's way more painful if you truly care for the guy. I had a three year long long distance relationship with my so, but we were dating and a couple at the time so do keep this in mind. It worked becoz he was, much like yourself, INTJ and therefore time-efficient
    He called me every night at first, later on twice week. He mailed me (I love mailing..it gives me a chance to respond on my own time), but most importantly, we talked on irc, keeping our interaction fresh.

    Now, the key is to catching her when it's already part of her life. I dunno if she typically likes to talk at specific times on the phone, or is on the internet typically in the evenings for instance. Coz that would be perfect, it means that she can be online, doing her thing while talking to you via msn or skype. That way it fits into her routine (yes, even we have routines ) and you guys can build on that friendship you have, doing the prep work for when you return to hopefully date
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  6. #6
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    hey - i saw the original post, and it made me think of an ENFP i know who i'm similarly confused about .. they seem to need a lot of attention and will be upset if they don't get it, genuinely reproachful and hurt (although they won't say it), yet they will seldom be in touch themselves.

    my first reaction is to think it is sort of sweet that they want to hear from you and receive regular affirmation, and almost don't think what they have to say in return matters as much, because of course they love YOU ..

    but it can be the case that i'm extremely hurt by not having heard from them, yet when we do finally make contact, and i'm admittedly slightly cold, they will heap the blame on and present a constructed narrative for how unloved they are.

    we each feel like the injured party and think the other is trying to leave. me for a lack of regular contact, ENFP for a lack of warmth.

    a similar imbalance is the hyper-sensitivity of ENFP - who will choose to take offence at every possible juncture, yet doesn't see that their need to be chased puts the other person in an almost demeaning position. if i back off i get blamed for abandoning.
    i'm happy to give attention, but there is no acknowledgment of how painful the uncertainty is of not hearing back.

    sorry to go off track, but i relate to the frustration - without knowing the exact situation, i would guess that the ENFP secretly blames you and can't accept that anything be more important than your relationship. if you said you were moving back tomorrow how would she react?

  7. #7
    Cheeseburgers freeeekyyy's Avatar
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    I guess I haven't really given enough detail here, have I? Anyway, her moving down with me is not an option, for multiple, not entirely relevant reasons. As far as how long I'm gone, it could be anywhere from 6 months to 3 years, depending on how things go. I'm trying to get a decent job right now, if that doesn't happen I'm probably going to be joining the army, in which case I would be gone for a minimum of 2 years. She knows this, and has accepted the possibility, at least she tells me she has. I have made one trip back since I moved, and she wasn't available to meet at the time, but said she would have liked to.

    I'll most likely be heading back this weekend. I think I might just have to surprise her...
    You lose.

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  8. #8
    Let me count the ways Betty Blue's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freeeekyyy View Post
    I guess I haven't really given enough detail here, have I? Anyway, her moving down with me is not an option, for multiple, not entirely relevant reasons. As far as how long I'm gone, it could be anywhere from 6 months to 3 years, depending on how things go. I'm trying to get a decent job right now, if that doesn't happen I'm probably going to be joining the army, in which case I would be gone for a minimum of 2 years. She knows this, and has accepted the possibility, at least she tells me she has. I have made one trip back since I moved, and she wasn't available to meet at the time, but said she would have liked to.

    I'll most likely be heading back this weekend. I think I might just have to surprise her...
    Aw, she's probably totally mooning over you in your absence and finds it hard to accept that you could move away like that.
    I'm not sure about the army thing though, do you think she could hang on for two years for you? Are you both quite young?
    Oh, heres the big question, do you love her?
    "We knew he was someone who had a tragic flaw, that's where his greatness came from"

  9. #9
    Cheeseburgers freeeekyyy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GemPOPGem View Post
    Aw, she's probably totally mooning over you in your absence and finds it hard to accept that you could move away like that.
    I'm not sure about the army thing though, do you think she could hang on for two years for you? Are you both quite young?
    Oh, heres the big question, do you love her?
    She says she's willing to wait for me if that's what has to happen. Yes, we both are fairly young. I'm 24, she's 21. And yes, I love her very much, and I have told her. And she has said the same thing about me. Basically, we both think that neither of us is mature enough for a "relationship" at this point in our lives. We both have some growing up to do, and both recognize this. I'm just not sure that her conscious knowledge is in line with her feelings. I can't shake the thought that she feels hurt by me, as much as she says otherwise.
    You lose.

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  10. #10
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    It's possible the situation hurts her without her blaming it on you...just pretty much sadness and regret that the situation is what it is

    I know first hand this aint easy..but, it is doable, I'm living proof of that.

    Good luck with your journey together.
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