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  1. #1
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Default NF and seeing weakness/negatives

    I would like advice and a better understanding of a trait that I believe might be NF (not just ENFJ) that has now become a pattern.

    I have had 3 trusted friends this year tell me that I missed a trait/weakness/characteristic about someone who I wanted to be better friends with. I don't know if this is the empathy in us NFs, the lack of sensing, the thinking function or what, or ENFJ strength in seeing potential? I was also brainstorming that I see things in relation, not in isolation?

    Whatever the reason I realize this pattern and would appreciate input, methods of overcoming, advice, similar experiences, and general witty banter.

    The specifics:
    1.) Had someone who I wanted to be closer friends with and a good friend told me I missed this person's obvious low self esteem
    2.) Missed that an ex-friend was commented to be completely someone who doesn't put effort into things
    3.) This past Saturday a good friend pulled me aside and said I was trying to become friends with a girl who was not good/trashy and how could I not see it
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  2. #2
    DoubleplusUngoodNonperson
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    Seems to me like they are merely hatin' on your positivity....

    if those people you wanted to know better haven't manipulated you or harmed in anyway(possibility, maybe?), is there really any reason to not see them in a positive light?

  3. #3
    THIS bitch stringstheory's Avatar
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    i find this to be a constant pattern, but that's only since EVERYONE has dark sides or weaknesses that come with their positive traits. I rarely find people who make a completely negative first-impression on me, and it's not like all of a person's positive or negative qualities are immediately recognizable. I let people reveal themselves to me at their leisure and decide for myself.

    to be honest i'd probably be a little offended if my friends pulled me aside to "warn" me like some of yours did, especially about some vague qualities that are subjective anyway...at least it seems to me like that's what they were doing, i don't see any other reason to approach you the way they did. unless they really fucked with someone i already care about then I'll figure out if a persons good qualities outweigh the bad on my own, thank you.
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  4. #4
    Uniqueorn William K's Avatar
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    Default

    Well, we are supposed to be idealists or something like that, so we can overlook stuff if we like the 'whole' package. And all those 3 negatives (low-esteem, doesn't put full effort, not good/trashy) are highly subjective anyway.

    And of course, you can always see negatives as a place/opportunity for improvement. Imagine if the 'low-esteem' person whom you already want to know better picks up some confidence.
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  5. #5
    Member chelsea's Avatar
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    The specifics:
    1.) Had someone who I wanted to be closer friends with and a good friend told me I missed this person's obvious low self esteem
    2.) Missed that an ex-friend was commented to be completely someone who doesn't put effort into things
    3.) This past Saturday a good friend pulled me aside and said I was trying to become friends with a girl who was not good/trashy and how could I not see it
    Did you actually miss these traits or did you notice them and still want to be friends with them anyway?

    In the first case I can see myself becoming friends with someone with low-self esteem. I would notice that they had low self esteem and would probably be drawn to them; wanting to help them and to find out why they have low-self esteem. This is especially true if I saw something else in them that I liked as well.

    In the second case I would notice that someone doesn't put effort into things but without knowing other things about that person I don't know if that would disqualify them as a friend.

    In the third case not good/trashy could mean many things. This is another case where I would want to try and help them if I could. Again, if there were other qualities that I liked about the person I can definitely see myself becoming friends with that person however that doesn't mean that I wouldn't notice their flaws.

    To me it's not necessarily a case of not noticing (for me that is) as much as it is a case of not disqualifying the entire person for a specific character flaw.

    I also find myself drawn to the underdog for a variety of reasons. In some cases I may want to try and help them and in other cases I feel a connection with someone that is struggling/misunderstood. Or a combination of the two.

    Unless your friends were worried about you/feared for your safety I wonder if they were afraid of how you being friends with these people would make them look. If that's the case then I'd be friends with the people you mentioned instead.

  6. #6
    Senior Member You's Avatar
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    Chelsea, your picture is distracting.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Default clarification

    I guess my worry is that I really did not see these things about people. Missing negatives about people could be dangerous right?

    And these good friends were helping me as the effects were negative from not seeing the "obvious" traits about people I bring into my life when things played out. And more than one friend or situation confirmed the weakness/trait/whatever you call it.
    Extroverted (E) 67.74% Introverted (I) 32.26%
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  8. #8
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    Default

    I don't know whether it's a type thing or not, but I have had a number of INFP friends who would invest a lot in people who later failed them... and I know that I was able to look at those people and, while not judgmental, I could see those flaws a mile away. It took some discussions with those INFPs to realize they hadn't seen what I had seen; I had just assumed they had, but were making a choice to look at the person differently / focus on something else.

    Maybe there are just some basic assumptions about humanity, how people work, what people want, etc., that get in the way here. I tend to see people, while unique, as machines (I hate that word but am not sure what word to use) within larger systems, and so I analyze them, know the pro's and con's and typical behavioral range of each piece, and then have a fairly good awareness of how they will respond in particular environments. It's typically accurate; I'm not usually caught off-guard, and when I am, I immediately reassess. The impersonal assessment helps to negate any personal bias I might have, what I'd like to see, my feelings toward the person, etc.

    The INFPs I've known see more the ideal of who a person could be and focus on that as the reality, assuming the person wants to be that; they've also discounted "warning signs" or written them off as anomalies when often they were more primary traits of the individual in question.

    I can't speak for whole types of people, but it does sound like you'd benefit from having a few people whose opinion you'd trust, who you can bounce your ideas off regarding potential relational investments you'd like to make... people you'd like to invest your energy and time in.
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

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  9. #9
    Junior Member Chill's Avatar
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    I will just share what I have noticed about an ENFJ friend of mine. She is currently involved with a person who a few friends and I think is number (1) and (3) of the specifics you mentioned. I don't know for sure, but I do feel that she is not aware of the aforementioned negatives of that person and who is also draining her of her energy and confidence in a way. I do not want to appear conceited but I've realised that her self-esteem is a bit shaky to start off with and I'm actually worried about what will come out of it all.

    HeatherC, you asked if it's dangerous to miss negatives about people. IMO it's dangerous if you're not aware of how the negatives will affect you in a negative way in the long run.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Default +10

    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I don't know whether it's a type thing or not, but I have had a number of INFP friends who would invest a lot in people who later failed them... and I know that I was able to look at those people and, while not judgmental, I could see those flaws a mile away. It took some discussions with those INFPs to realize they hadn't seen what I had seen; I had just assumed they had, but were making a choice to look at the person differently / focus on something else.

    Maybe there are just some basic assumptions about humanity, how people work, what people want, etc., that get in the way here. I tend to see people, while unique, as machines (I hate that word but am not sure what word to use) within larger systems, and so I analyze them, know the pro's and con's and typical behavioral range of each piece, and then have a fairly good awareness of how they will respond in particular environments. It's typically accurate; I'm not usually caught off-guard, and when I am, I immediately reassess. The impersonal assessment helps to negate any personal bias I might have, what I'd like to see, my feelings toward the person, etc.

    The INFPs I've known see more the ideal of who a person could be and focus on that as the reality, assuming the person wants to be that; they've also discounted "warning signs" or written them off as anomalies when often they were more primary traits of the individual in question.

    I can't speak for whole types of people, but it does sound like you'd benefit from having a few people whose opinion you'd trust, who you can bounce your ideas off regarding potential relational investments you'd like to make... people you'd like to invest your energy and time in.
    THIS! I don't know why seeing something put in words makes me feel sane again. Thank you. That is what my friends are trying to tell me. But is it a solution to be dependent on other's for opinions? (And the reason it surprised me and I am taking note is I thought myself a good judge of character of a person because I truly want good friends of character. So maybe it shook my self-concept in this light?)
    Extroverted (E) 67.74% Introverted (I) 32.26%
    Intuitive (N) 51.72% Sensing (S) 48.28%
    Feeling (F) 51.61% Thinking (T) 48.39%
    Judging (J) 69.44% Perceiving (P) 30.56%

    Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
    so/sx/sp

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