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  1. #1
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    Default When People DON'T Want Your Help

    Maybe I'm an unhealthy NF, but for some reason, I get offended when people don't want my help. I don't know if this is common among NF's or if it is just a personal, paranoia issue.

    Anyway, a friend of mine has two young kids. One a newborn, the other about a year old. Anyone who has kids knows that this can be stressful. So, I offered to come over and baby-sit and/or run some errands for her if she needed me to. She politely declined.

    Well, I later found out that one of our mutual friends was doing the same thing, after I had volunteered myself. I politely reminded her that I would still like to help in any way I could. To which she replied: "Oh, I thought you were joking." :steam: It sounds like a stupid reason to get mad, and maybe it is. But, for some reason, it pissed me off beyond belief. I mean, did she really think I was that narcissistic to actually be joking about wanting to help her out??

    Also, I'm a senior in highschool, and we all know highschool is drama, drama, drama. Most of it involving a close friend of mine. When she escapes to the bathroom to cry and throw a tantrum I always ask if she would like a hug or if she wants to talk. She always says "No! Just go away! I don't want to talk to anyone!"

    I know I shouldn't take it personally or be offended, but for some reason, I am.


    Is this common among NFs? Feel free to share any thoughts, opinions or personal experiences.

  2. #2
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    Default

    I think you have a right to be pissed off in this situation. It may have been she didn't trust you to take care of her kids, but she did this other person but didn't want to tell you directly about it. I would fall into similar situations where I'd try to show interest in someone else's interests and that person would totally blow me off. Whatever, their loss.

    Also, just getting hurt when people turn down your help I think is natural, especially for an NF, I mean, say you offered a thoughtful handmade gift to someone and they turned it down flat. That would hurt anyone's feelings. It's kind of the same thing when you offer help.

    Also, we're INFPs, musicnerd. We're designed to be hurt by anything and everything.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by SecondBest View Post
    Also, we're INFPs, musicnerd. We're designed to be hurt by anything and everything.
    lol. Yes. It's a gift and a curse.

  4. #4
    にゃん runvardh's Avatar
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    I typically don't bother unless they ask for it - less overbooking and more time for me.
    Dreams are best served manifest and tangible.

    INFP, 6w7, IEI

    I accept no responsibility, what so ever, for the fact that I exist; I do, however, accept full responsibility for what I do while I exist.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #5

    Default

    People could have a multitude of reasons for not accepting help. Refusing help isn't really a judgment. Sometimes you have multiple people asking if they can help with the same thing, sometimes you can handle something yourself, and, well, it could be anything. If you offered, that's great, but an offer of help should not turn into an obligation to accept help.
    Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight.

    Johari
    /Nohari

  6. #6
    Senior Member KDude's Avatar
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    Hmm.. I might press a second time. "You sure?" But get mad? I'm not sure why. Helping has nothing to do with me, unless... it really does. Which is a scenario I can't imagine exactly.. but it's possible. I'm drawing a blank though.

    Somebody not wanting a gift is bad.. but that's never happened, I think.

    My grandmother (ISFJ) was a little beside herself in things like this. My dad sort of takes after her, but he's ESTJ (I mean, he's pretty F and reflects her a lot with the family.. just not outside).

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    People could have a multitude of reasons for not accepting help. Refusing help isn't really a judgment. Sometimes you have multiple people asking if they can help with the same thing, sometimes you can handle something yourself, and, well, it could be anything. If you offered, that's great, but an offer of help should not turn into an obligation to accept help.
    This is a good point. Thanks for the feedback.

    Hmm.. I might press a second time. "You sure?" But get mad? I'm not sure why.
    Another good point. Should've thought to ask. Oh, well...

    Live and learn, my friends, live and learn.

  8. #8
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Default

    Also - there's a social thing around this too. You're supposed to act all self-sufficient. Most people I know are a little bit counter-dependent (opposite of co-dependent). I had a classmate who broke her foot while running. An older lady asked if she could give her a ride home. My classmate refused and CRAWLED all the way home!

    So yes - their response to you has much more to do with what's going on with them than something you are or did.

  9. #9
    Senior Member rowingineden's Avatar
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    I can get very hurt and annoyed, too (especially since my Enneagram 9 has a 1 wing), but have more and more quickly every time taken the attitude of, "Well, fine, crash and burn then. Tried to help you, and you wouldn't let me - you brought this on yourself."

    The most agonizing examples of this have been in my romantic life - the attachment is just so intense and so rapid. It's very hard for me to let go in these situations, but I think I'm learning...
    "You get what you're given, it's all how you use it."
    Pink - "God is a DJ"

  10. #10
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    Yep, it's a common thing. It's like, if you don't depend on me, what's the point to us being friends?

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